What Are Your Limits?

Limits are something that many people discuss within the lifestyle yet few seem to take the time to really analyze what a limit is.  The dictionary defines limit as:

 " the final, utmost, or furthest boundary or point as to extent, amount, continuance, procedure, etc.:" or "a boundary or bound, as of a country, area, or district."

In other words, a limit is a boundary.  The question is where is this boundary and how is it known?  Obviously, if we are looking at a map, it is easy to see the boundaries.  However, how do you map out the boundaries you have for yourself?  How is one to know when he or she reaches a limit?

The answer to this question is simply experience.  A person uncovers his or her limits over time.  It is through the interacting with others where we come to understand our limits.  For example, growing up, we all know the limits our parent(s) set down for us.  How did we come to know these?  The most direct way was to test the limits which usually resulted in some form of punishment.  Of course, now, perhaps the tables are turned and you have a child(ren) that tests your limits.  The bottom line is that through interaction and experience, we are able to uncover the limits for ourselves and others.

In the BDSM world, the tendency is to label limits either "soft" or "hard".  Soft limits are those that are open to discussion under certain circumstances.  Hard limits, on the other hand, fall into the "no way, never, not on your life" category.  These are those areas that a person is unwilling to engage upon.  It is a boundary that one claims an unwillingness to cross.

The problem with these ideas is that most of the things we discuss/encounter in the BDSM world are fluid.  Definitions can be a personal thing in their understanding.  What something means to me can be entirely different to you.  For example, we know that "abuse" is a limit or boundary people should not cross.  One should never take anything to the level where it is considered abuse.  I think this is a fairly common outlook by most within the BDSM way of life.  However, the difficulty in this concept is defining what abuse actually is.  What I might define as "abusive" someone else could consider appropriate.  The difficulty arises in that my definition or appraisal of the situation might not be accurate.  We all know the vanilla world looks at this way of life as full of abuse when, we who are involved in it, have a much different perspective.  Those of us who operate under the premise of safe, sane, and consensual do not believe that BDSM is abusive.  Nevertheless, we can see how a perspective plays a large role in how we define things.

Getting back to limits, one of the things I encountered is the fact that limits can be fluid.  What is a limit today is not necessarily the same in the future.  For example, in the area of weightlifting, a person might encounter a certain limit today yet be able to surpass it in a few weeks.  The same might be true in one's work life.  What is difficult to achieve today could be rather simple in a few months with experience and training.  The limits that previously existed were removed (or at least moved further out).  This individual can handle more.  Therefore, over time, as one learns and grows, he or she is able to handle more, changing the limits that were once there.

We see this fluidity on a daily basis too.  Using the gym example again, for a variety of reasons, I might not be able to lift the same weight I was able to do the last time.  The result is that my limits actually contracted from the previous session.  The same thing can occur in the BDSM world.  In the area of pain,  I have noticed that a sub/slave often can take varying degrees of pain depending upon the day.  There is rarely a continuous level that she can achieve.  Some days, for many of the same reasons as the weightlifter, she can take much less than she did in the past.  Her body simply contracted the limit area.  It is for this reason that a dominant needs to be ever mindful of how the sub/slave is responding during the session.

The final area that pertains to limits is simply our area of interest change.  What is a "no way, I never would do that" becomes an "okay I will try it" 6 months or a year down the road.  We evolve as people in all areas of our lives and BDSM is no different.  Over time, as our experience and knowledge grows, certain things become of greater attraction to us.  Perhaps our understanding changes or we meet someone who can safely teach us what that particular aspect is.  For example, one might abhor the idea of fire play until she meets someone who is experienced in it and describes the wonderful benefits while stressing safety when done properly.  After such an encounter and, perhaps, a live viewing, suddenly this is an area of intrigue for our sub/slave.  Notice how, over time, the limit was removed.

Therefore, what are you limits?  How did you arrive at them?  What do the limits mean to you?  Are they there because it is an area that you do not like?  Or is it a physical/psychological limitation that is holding you back?  Have you had someone who helped push you to that limit while trying to gently move you beyond it?  What if you could overcome one of your limits, how would that change things?  What limits do you hold onto the hardest?  Which ones are you willing to never change?  What are the ones that you will change? 

Consider all the different possibilities from the perspective that limits are fluid.  Of course, there are things that each of us is unwilling to engage upon, no matter what.  However, ponder some of the less rigid ideas that you have.  How different would things be if you were able to overcome what is holding you back?  Would you experience more freedom, and less fear, if you were to change this limit?  It is best to remember, BDSM is about the freedom to live how you choose.  Do not allow preconceived ideas to  handcuff you.  Shed light on all that you believe and conclude to determine if they are truly your beliefs and conclusions.  If you are like most, you will realize that society has a way of imprinting ideas upon our psyche which we embrace and hold dear.  Limits can be another form of bondage unless you determine they are for you.  These are the ideas that we must work to rid ourselves of.

DN

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Self Discipline

Discipline is a topic that appears to be misunderstood by many.  Obviously, this is a part of the BDSM world since discipline is part of the acronym we use on a daily basis.  Nevertheless, many people seem to think that discipline is something that only comes in the form of punishment or harness.  Sadly, this is missing most of what that word means.

The Key To Success

Have you ever considered what it takes to truly be successful?  If you study the personal development field, you will come across tens, if not hundreds, of key ideas that are the basis for success.  Unfortunately, with so many conflicting ideas to choose from, one could become lost.  Personally, this is why I believe so many suffer when embarking upon this realm.

Many claim that proper goal setting is the key.  Still others talk about motivation.  Another facet focus upon the idea of a well thought out plan.  Some promote the idea of courage.  Visualization is another component that many believe to be the link to high achievement.  Faith and belief are also touted as the magical elixirs which lead to getting all you want.  In short, I could go on for the next hour listing things that are all parts of success.

In my experience, while all these characteristics are crucial, the one overriding element for success is discipline.  Without discipline, all the other attributes are meaningless.  Ultimately, action is required in any area before success can occur.  We must DO something if we expect to get results (of course, NOT doing something also gets us results, just not what we desire).  Oftentimes, this action is not something that we desire.  In fact, quite often it is painful to do certain things which lead to success.  However, if you want the results, you must take the action.  Having the proper amount of discipline in your life is what enables you to do what is required to achieve the results you seek.

The Inner Game

Most of my regular readers know that I feel that BDSM is a journey within.  This belief stems from the fact that all of life starts with us.  It is through our minds that we perceive the world which we live in.  Everything we encounter is a result of what goes on between our ears.  If one wants to alter his or her present state, delving within is necessary.

BDSM is considered an "alternative" lifestyle.  Why is this?  The answer is fairly simple.  BDSM is different from what we are conditioned to believe is "normal".  The masses (or powers that be) decided what is considered proper and the path to follow and spent years pounding that into our heads.  It was nothing more than a propaganda machine meant to control our minds.  For those who entered and stayed in the BDSM world, obviously breaking away from this mindset was critical.  It was through the questioning of what was "normal" and the lack of fulfillment that resulted which led to our search.  Again, I want to point out that this search started within oneself.  It is only through the questioning that one determines that the belief system instilled in the mind does not work for oneself.  Thus. we start to follow another path in the quest for fulfillment.

Discipline is also an inner game.  This is something that seems to elude many people.  As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, too many believe that "discipline" is something that comes from outside ourselves.  The common view is that a Master is to discipline his slave or that one is disciplined when she is wrong.  In other words, discipline means punishment.  It is an external influence meant to deter certain behaviors.  When looking at the "carrot or the stick" scenario, this is the stick.  However, getting back to our success experts, external discipline is not the most effective.  The truly effective form of discipline comes from oneself.  Hence, self discipline is what we all need to focus upon.

The Ability To Act

It is not uncommon to read a profile stating "I am looking for a Master to give me the discipline I need in my life".  My question is why do you need a Master to instill this in your life and will this really make a difference?  So many believe that having someone else who is calling the shots is some kind of magical elixir for accomplishment.  While having that accountability is certainly helpful, it is not the end all and be all.  The problem with this concept is what happens when that individual is not around?  Or even more importantly, what are you doing today since that person is not yet in your life?  The obvious answer is nothing since this individual believes discipline is an external event.  She simply lacks the internal discipline to act herself.

Our military personnel are considered some of the strongest people around.  They endure tremendous obstacles upon their entry into the military.  The entire structure is one of discipline.  Certainly, when one is a green recruit, all discipline comes from an external source (usually a drill sergeant).  However, over time, the system is established where the discipline moves from external to internal.  It is not uncommon for one to make his or her bed, in a military fashion, years after leaving the service.  The discipline was such that it became a habit.  No external influence was needed.

We see the same thing happen with those who are fit.  If your body is not the way you want it and you are carrying a few extra pounds, the reason is fairly simple in most instances.  You either take in too many calories by eating the wrong foods or do not exercise to burn enough calories (or some combination of the two).  Therefore, if you are in this situation, it is because you lack the discipline to eat what you should while working out in a proper way.  It really comes down to that.  A person, on the other hand, who has a nice body, maintains an effective diet while getting the necessary exercise.  He or she takes the action on a regular basis to complete the activities which attain the desired result.

This idea is not relegated to only exercise and weight loss.  Take any area of life.  People who are slobs lack the discipline to pick up after him or herself.  Of course, when we are younger, we have mom after us about that.  But what about when we move out?  Do we have the discipline to put the plates in the sink and pick up the bath towel off the floor?  If your place is a mess, then you do not have this discipline.

In closing, I will mention that all of us fall short in the area of self discipline at times.  There are areas which all of us tend to overlook (read get lazy about).  Nobody is perfect in this regard.  However, some focus their attention on this more than others.  One observation I made over the years is that in the BDSM world, it seems that many feel that this idea only pertains to those who are submissive.  For whatever reason, the dominants feel they are exempt from all that they require those under their care (control).  This is absolute garbage.  The "do as I say, not as I do" philosophy is worthless.  A dominant is suppose to be a leader within the relationship.  This means that he is tasked with setting a good example.  Again, he will not be perfect.  However, being lazy and simply barking out orders is not domination.  If one cannot control oneself, how in the world does he expect to control someone else?  In my mind, this is an impossibility.  Domination starts with oneself and self discipline is a central requirement for success. 


DN  

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Power Exchange

Power exchange is one of the foundational concepts that exists within the BDSM world.  Almost all our interactions center around this single idea in one form or another.  A large part of what separates BDSM from the vanilla world is the fact that we are overt about the unequal way we structure our relationships.  Relationship parity rarely exists even in vanilla although it strives to promote that concept.  Look at any relationship for a short period of time and you will realize who "wears the pants" in that interaction.  Certainly, there are relationships where authority determines who has the power.  However, even in friendship or romantic relationships, usually one person has more control than the other.  This is determined, not so much by position, but, rather, by the personality of the individual.  One person tends to take on the leadership role while the other embraces the part of follower.  Oftentimes, this is not a conscious decision as much as one's underlying personality emerging.

BDSM is much different.  In this way of life, we are very open about the fact that we are not into equality of interaction.  Relationships and interactions are established based upon one's place along the domination/submission line.  Here, we find that power is granted to the dominant from the submissive.  It is a natural choice based upon the core component of each.  Each is following a natural tendency that was uncovered within each of them.  In contrast, society created a system or ideal which is not natural, in my view, while trying to mold everyone the same.  Under this realm, little thought is given to what is best for the individual.  Instead, we get a one size fits all.  Most often, this ideal is the monogamous, male/female, one on one, equal basis relationship or what I call the traditional model.  Unfortunately, those who are drawn to power exchange, homo or bisexuality, and polyamory need not apply.  Even today, people fall into these later categories are considered abnormal.

That being said, before we explore the concept of power exchange, we best define what it is.  Have you ever thought about what power is?  Certainly, we mention it often enough on the BDSM sites we visit.  Ironically, few of us ever think about what it is we are referring to and transferring.

According to dictionary.com, power is the ability to do or act.  It really is that simple.  Power is the ability to get something done.  To expand on this a bit further, power is what enables you to do those things that you should do.  At the same time, it is also the ability to refrain from taking those actions which are counter productive to what you desire.  For example, if your goal is to lose weight, power is both the ability to get your butt to the gym while also holding back from eating those fried mozzarella  sticks. 

Notice the individual nature of power.  What is ironic, when you look at the definition, you realize that power exchange is a bit misleading.  In fact, it is really impossible to turn one's power over to another.  The ability to do or act is still within one no matter what the circumstances.  What is really transferred is control.  Again, looking up the definition we see that control is to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.  Certainly, this sums up what we do in BDSM.  A sub gives control of herself over to a dominant.  While she still has power to do something, he is the one who determines whether it is exercised or not.  Nevertheless, since it is common to exchange these two words and ideas with each other, we will operate from this perspective.

There is a spiritual axiom that says you cannot give away what you do not have.  If we think about this in the physical realm, this idea really jumps out at us.  How can I give you $20 if I myself do not possess it?  The answer is I cannot.  On the emotional level, have you ever seen anyone who is not happy pass along happiness to another person.  Usually, if one is angry or miserable, those around him or her will not experience happiness in the moment.  What usually happens is that anger, tension, and misery are transferred.

What I am about to embark upon applies equally to submissives as it does dominants.  Many seem to think that submissives and dominants are completely different.  In truth, they really are not.  Their cores are different and actually form a reciprocal arrangement.  Therefore, the basic tenets of each is the same in terms of what I am going to discuss here.

Getting back to the axiom, one cannot transfer what he or she does not have.  I think we can understand this point.  Applying it specifically to our way of life, one cannot cede over control if he or she does not already have it.  Ergo, when looking at the topic of control (power), the starting point is with oneself.

This creates quite a quandary for many.  To start, so many dominants want to control another when they lack the ability to control themselves.  They believe their place is to tell a sub what to do and expect her to follow.  Certainly that is part of the BDSM arrangement.  However, one shows the ability to control by his own life.  If one's life is completely out of control, bet the ranch that person is a terrible master or dom.  He has no clue how to control anything.  Instead of being dominant, he ends up being domineering.  Many encounter this when traveling around the different BDSM "dating" site and running into all the pretenders barking out orders.  The "on your knees bitch" crowd knows nothing about control.  Individuals with this mindset believe that control is about the submissive when it is about himself.  This is a major point everyone needs to understand.

At the same time, a submissive needs to be able to control her own life.  She need the ability to get herself to act, i.e. exert power over herself.  This might seem contrary to what the BDSM way of life is all about but it is not.  Again, if she wants to cede control over to another, she ought to have it to begin with.  Someone who has a life that is totally out of control is not submissive but a train wreck.  Many times, she is using submissiveness as a means of avoiding responsibility.  Understand that being submissive does not make one free from responsibility.  Even slaves who are owned have responsibilities and require the power to act when instructed to. Ultimately, one chooses when she is going to exert her ability to act (of course, defying brings up consequences but that is another matter altogether).  It is a power that does not go away nor is it transferred.  The only difference is that when one cedes control, there is an outside influence "motivating" and directing her.

Which brings up a question I wrote about in the past: what are you truly offering another?  If you have no control over your own life, how can you either give control to another or accept something you have no ability to exercise.  I see this regularly when traveling around the online BDSM world.  So many want to be "owned" yet you start to investigate their lives and you realize they are offering nothing but a big pile of crap.  This is equally true on the dominant as well as submissive side.  Physically they are a mess because they eat garbage all day and refuse to exercise.  Financially they are in the ringer because they cannot control their spending.  Emotionally they are nothing more than children since they refused to engage in the maturation process required to control one's emotions.  Mentally they are slightly ahead of moron since they refuse to learn about anything and spend entirely too much time watching senseless television or posting stuff on Facebook.  In short, they are a mess yet they feel that entering a BDSM relationship will straighten everything out.  Of course, it comes as no surprise when one ends up bouncing from relationship to relationship with no results.

Thus, I ask you, are you exercising the power over yourself to:

-get you ass to the gym to lose that weight?
-avoid eating those nutritionally empty foods that are high in sugar and fat?
-living within a sensible budget so that you are not deep in debt?
-keeping your surrounding clean and tidy?
-pressing your clothes so that you put forth a nice presentation visually to others?
-educate yourself about important matters such as investing, child rearing, health, and money management?
-resist spending time online opting instead to take those classes that will further your career?

Whatever the situation, are you exerting control over yourself to get things done?  This is what it all basically comes down to.  Waiting until you are owned or own someone else is too late.  Discipline is a trait that is required for success in all BDSM interactions (and in life).  The only way to establish this characteristic is to exercise it over yourself.  Then, and only then, do you have something to offer another person.  Remember, before you can give something over to another, you must have it yourself.  If you want to cede control, establish it in your own life first.  And, if you are on the flip side, if you want to have all the control, make sure you have the ability to apply it to yourself.  From my experience, failure to do this will result in failure in all your BDSM interactions. 

DN

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Letting Go

Human beings hang onto things emotionally.  When compared to other species in the Animal Kingdom, the "enlightened" one seems to create a whole lot of pain for itself.  It seems the more developed and advanced we become, the unhappier we get.  Ironic that we do not see this in other animals.

Take a dog for example.  You can discipline your dog and 5 minutes later he/she will interact with you like you were always best friends.  Contrast that with humans, especially high school girls, and you will see a stark difference.  Humans tend to hold onto the past while replaying it over and over in the mind.  Feuds can last years between people oftentimes even after the reason for the dispute is forgotten.  Of course, this leads to misery.

Many disciplines throughout the ages have preached the need to let go.  While it takes on different forms, it always delivers the same message.  One will state that forgiveness is key.  Another talks about remaining in the present moment.  A third will refer to the idea that it is best not to buy into illusions and the past is nothing more than an illusion.  No matter how it is phrased, they all say the same thing.  The need to let go of what occurred is imperative.

As I travel around the internet, I am continually amazed how the exact opposite occurs.  People do not forget about the past.  Instead, they nurture it and add emotion to the thoughts until they grow and prosper.  Sadly, the only thing they are watering is negativity.  Few look on the positive experiences.  Rather, they dwell upon the loss and what is missing.  This leads to a state where one is "hurt" or "scarred".  Again, few seem to realize they are simply inflicting the wounds themselves.

This situation often plays out in the case of rape.  Obviously, this is a traumatic and painful experience that many encounter.  Going through a rape and the experience cannot be minimized.   In this situation, one is victimized by another by being taken without one's consent.  However, this is further enhanced when the victim "victimizes" oneself.  What I mean by this is the individual replays the events over and over.  It is not uncommon for someone to be doing this years later.  Naturally, I am not validating the initial crime.  Nevertheless, whereas the rapist assaulted the individual once, the individual does it to herself (or himself) repeatedly.  One of the first steps in therapy is stop the practice of reliving and replaying the events.  Letting it go is necessary to move past it.

The same can be seen in profiles posted on different BDSM sites.  People will talk about their inability to trust since they were harmed by other masters or slaves.  Certainly, one needs to resist the desire to act blindly and foolishly.  However, every relationship is different and not all are scumbags (just most online).  Having an intelligent approach to dealing with someone new is definitely sound.  Yet allowing this lack of trust because of past event to sabotage what one is dealing with is basically bringing the past into the present.  It is for this reason that many seem to get the same results.  If you bring the negative results from past relationships into your present one, what do you think will happen?  The only possible outcome is for the past to repeat itself.  This is why fear tends to be so powerful and create the results that one least wants.  It is impossible for anything else to happen.

People claim to want to be happy yet they seem to do all they can to counter this outcome.  The BDSM world is even worse since we know there is a large percentage of abusers, users, game players, and general misfits of society who do not seek the same end as those who are genuine.  People are very willing to lie, mislead, and disappear without considering the pain and suffering they cause another.  That is the reality of what we deal with, especially online.  However, it must be stated that not everyone is that way.  You simply do not know what the next profile holds for you.  Perhaps that is the real and genuine person you were seeking.  The point is that one simply needs to let go of what happened in the past.  I am not recommending forgetting all because that leads to reckless and stupid behavior.  However, do not allow the past to dictate all your actions.

Now I am going to state that many are going to disagree with me on this.  That is simply because most are immature.  If you do not believe me, watch all the childish behavior that occurs when someone feels slighted.  An example is when someone disappears after chatting for a couple weeks.  We all know this happens regularly online.  It is part of the realm we operate in.  There is no way around this.  People are going to play games.  Nevertheless, you will see some who make a big stink when it happens.  They will post entry after entry for weeks, if not months, on end mentioning what this "person" did.  The problem is each time this is done, energy is given to this situation.  In addition, this individual refuses to move on instead opting to live in the past.  It is done...get over it.  I know it is not easy but it is the only way.  Sadly, many refuse to do this.

So how do we let go of those things we do not like that happened to us?  My answer is to be like Nike and just do it.  As moronic as that sounds, it is the only way.  One simply needs to move beyond the situation.  Certainly, it is important to learn the lesson.  However, once that is completed, move on.  Take action immediately to move yourself in a different direction.  If you are dealing in the online world, send out the next email.  Do not allow the disappearing jackass to control your life any longer.  Starting chatting with someone who catches your attention.  And yes, the exact same thing could happen.  However, there is a chance that the next person you are chatting with is real and has what you desire.  Either way, you will not find out until you take the action.

People seem to want to hold onto their pain.  It is almost as if, for many, it is a badge of honor.  The reality is that holding onto pain only makes you a toxic person.  It resides within you like a poison.  I fail to understand why, as human beings, we are wired to hold onto pain while letting go of the pleasurable circumstances or memories but that seems to be the case.  When we are in pain, fear tends to rear its ugly head.  At this moment, there is a new master in charge and it does not have your best interest in mind.  Ultimately, one becomes imprisoned when the fear takes over.  Paralysis is the outcome since that is its desire.  We see this in the inability to open up to another or even send the basic emails.  The fear of rejection or getting hurt is too great.  Of course, like some of the disciplines throughout the ages taught, this is buying into an illusion.  The reality is the past situation has no bearing on the present one.  Humans tend to forget this idea.

Whatever your present situation in terms of frustration, hurt, or anger regarding the BDSM world, let it go.  I can tell you that few of us encountered a path without the emotions you are presently dealing with.  It is all the same for all of us.  None of us are exempt from the games that are played.  Nor are we insulated from the pain when a true relationship ends.  Nevertheless, moving on is vital.  Certainly, there are times when a "mourning" period is required.  However, once sufficient time is given here, one must move forward.  To do otherwise is enabling the past to dictate your present and this is pure insanity.  Stop buying into illusions.  Move forward and prosper.

DN 

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The Rifle Approach

I apologize for not writing the last couple weeks.  Sadly, I found myself a bit under the weather with a nasty bug which has taken some time to get past.

Today I am going to cover a topic, like many, that applies to more than simply BDSM.  However, since I do not view BDSM as a kink as much a way of life, it stands to reason that all things that apply to life are pertinent to BDSM.  My view is simple: BDSM is life.  There is no separation.

There is a saying in the personal development world that most people do not know  what they want simply because they do not know what it is they want.  This might seem strange until you thoroughly analyze what people do with their lives.  Have you ever noticed the success someone with a goal and a plan has?  When someone is crystal clear what they want, the chances of achieving that outcome are greatly increase.  Sadly, few have this laser-like focus.  Instead, most people waffle through life accepting what comes to them.  They have no specific goals with plans for the accomplishment.  In short, they are not very clear about what they want.  Therefore, they do not achieve it.

The same holds true in the BDSM world.  There are many difference facets, avenues, and structures that one can follow.   We see this when we interact with someone new and he or she mentions how overwhelming it all is.  When we step back, we do realize that this is certainly the case.  BDSM can be overwhelming at first.  With so many variations available (and acceptable), it is difficult to decipher where to start.  Couple this with the fact that, in my belief, we need to engage in extensive inner searching to truly uncover what we desire, we realize that it basically is too much for most people.  The average person is accustomed to waffling through life.  BDSM offers an opportunity to take control, something most people are not accustomed to doing.

Freedom is a wonderful thing.  Personally, I feel BDSM is the life choice that equals freedom.  This sounds strange considering that we are involved in something where bondage and enslavement are acceptable methods of interaction.  However, when one is being true to him or herself, as Shakespeare wrote hundreds of years ago, we see that this is, indeed, freedom.  One is free to choose basically whatever is desired.  The limitations that society likes to erect no longer exist.  Outside a few areas, most anything is acceptable (although, unfortunately, you will still deal with judgments even within the life itself).

A problem that arises is that with freedom comes responsibility.  While it is acceptable to have the "kid in the candy shop" situation when first encountering BDSM, after a while it is up to us to start deciding what it is we want.  I cannot tell you the number of profiles that I see online where someone writes something to the effect "I am just seeing what is here" and then I notice their profile is a few years old.  Naturally, not everyone fills in these profile pages but serious people usually have something to write.

Therefore, it is imperative that one decides exactly what it is he or she wants.  Again, going into the success management field, this is referred to as the rifle approach.  When trying to hit a target, a rifle is more accurate than a shot gun.  For those who know guns, a shot gun provides a much wider shot.  A rifle, on the other hand, is targets and provide a clean hit.  We can transfer this idea to our BDSM by simply acknowledging that it is too varied to use the shot gun approach.  Shaking a tree and seeing what will fall it simply will not work.

So, the question "what do you want" is something that everyone needs to sit down and answer.  What do you truly desire?  What will it take for you to be fulfilled?  Are you looking for full fledged service?  Do you like poly or do you prefer a monogamous situation?  What areas are you willing to explore and investigate?  Where are you willing to commit to improving so as to make yourself more attractive to those who are in that particular aspect of this life?  What do you want in the other person?

Now some will say that getting too specific eliminates too many possibilities.  To a certain degree I would agree.  However, the likelihood of someone being too specific is no where near the odds that one is too general.  This simply is human nature.  Remember, we are not accustomed to deciding, in detail, what we want.  Therefore, take the chance on overstepping the bounds and having too narrow a search.  You can always change it later.

One final thought on this subject.  You must decide what are the major sticking points for you.  The truth is that it is highly unlikely that you will meet someone who lines up with every criteria you set down.  Thus, it is imperative that you identify the major necessities for you.  For example, if you are seeking service that includes domestic work, you best be sure that one you are interacting with is willing to do that.  Those who only want bedroom submission tend not to line up when confronted with domestic duties.  The same is true for fetishes.  If you are a diaper girl, you should make sure he is into that sort of thing.  If not, as you can imagine, some conflicts will arise.  A situation like that is going to require some bending that each part is unwilling to do.

Remember the idea of a rifle.  A marksman is successful because the target is easily identified and he or she can take aim at it.  Apply this to your life (BDSM or otherwise).  What is it that you want?  Answer this question in great detail and you establish a target.  Then, you simply need to concentrate on hitting it.  But, at least you have a direction to go in which is more than most out there who are simply floating with the current.

DN  

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What Is Normal?

We use words such as lifestyle, vanilla, and traditional.  Non BDSM people tend to use words such as perverted, sick, and abnormal to describe us.  Obviously, we know, there is a major difference in perspective.  Yet this brings up the question, who is correct?

To start, I want to state that I do not like the term "lifestyle".  BDSM is not a lifestyle although that word is tossed around quite frequently.  I feel this is done to put this in a neat little box which is not possible.   This is not a lifestyle but, rather, my life.  Quite simply, people who are committed to this way of life simply made a choice of how they prefer to live.  It is no different than someone entering into a traditional marriage, being dedicated to a religious order, or a lifetime commitment to celibacy.  People are free to chose how they want to life.  For us, BDSM is the path we opted to follow.

That being said, most of us do not live this 24/7 in the sense we only interact with other people involved in BDSM and partake in the activities around the clock.  Most of us operate in the real world knowing that responsibilities still persist.  We are pragmatic in our outlook.  For example, most of us are well aware that one can be owned.  However, when it comes to work, while the Master might determine if she works or not, while on the clock, she has another Master called a boss.  This is simply how the world works.  Those of us involved in BDSM realize this basic fact of life and interweave our decisions with the rest of the world.

Getting back to some of the terms that are tossed around.  My basic question is "what is normal".  We hear it bantered about frequently, especially amongst the media types (i.e. wind filled talking heads) that espouse their grand wisdom on t.v or the radio.  However, do we really know what it means?  What are they referring to when they state "this is normal" (or usually this is abnormal)?  What does it mean to be normal?

Once again, if we give it a little thought, we come to realize that what is normal is really a mirage.  It is simply a set of standards, mostly unwritten, that society adheres to.  However, the majority of society does not have to adhere to them.  In fact, as we know by being in BDSM, most people stray from the common bounds of normalcy although they tend not to advertise it.  We only need see the success of 50 Shades to understand how many people have thoughts of power exchange and the number of people who actually considered it.  Of course, out of that total, a percentage will have engaged or experimented with it somewhere along the line.  Therefore, even though mainstream society calls us abnormal, the truth is that the majority of people have at least considered what we are into.  In fact, I would guess that the vast percentage of people have tried some form of BDSM play in the bedroom at least once.  Certainly, these are not "lifestyle" people but it does show that the inclinations that we follow are "normal".

What is evident is that normalcy is just a perspective.  Throughout history, there are times when normal is simply what is the majority.  For example, did you know there was a time it was considered abnormal to be left handed?  Since most people are right handed, anyone who used the left hand was thought of like there was something wrong with him.  Most of us have read or heard about the societies that really tarnished people for masturbation considering it sick and abnormal.  If I am not mistaken, people were institutionalized for it at different times throughout history.

The sad fact is that society presents a viewpoint which causes people to feel guilty if they stray outside the bounds of what was established.  What is even more asinine is that people are made to feel bad for even thinking of things that escape what is considered acceptable.  How many times have we seen someone post something about following those "dirty thoughts that I have had since I was a young girl"?  My question is what makes a thought dirty or clean?  Obviously, society will tell us that whether it be the schools, parents, or religious entities.  However, they are simply promoted their biased agenda which suits them.  The truth is one is free to determine whatever he or she opts to.  Of course, this requires exercising free thought.  There are no dirty or clean thoughts...there are just thoughts.  It is the judgment that one places upon them that makes them one or the other.  Unfortunately, much of the internal judgment is driven by the conditioning one received growing up.

My view is there is nothing wrong with the BDSM way of life.  On top of that, I actually believe it is the only natural way to establish or structure interactions.  Equality was created by man in an effort to create a "level playing field".  The net result of this is that the power ends up in the hands of a select few.  Equality is a path to real slavery.  Look around the world today and see where equality ended up.  In BDSM, we are very open about the fact that interactions are on a power exchange basis.  There is nothing equal about how we structure things.  Again, this matches nature.  Notice how the lion is the king of the jungle and not the rest of the animals.  Throughout the day, one operates as a predator while another is prey.  Of course, this can be reversed and the predator becomes prey to something either bigger or faster.  Either way, notice there is no equality.  In fact, equality is abnormal hence why it seems not to work.

I doubt I am the only one who believes the world is upside down.  Society has a way of touting its ideals which may or may not align with what any particular individual believes.  Actually, again looking at 50 Shades, oftentimes the viewpoint of society does not match what a great percentage of the people think.  Nevertheless, those who are in control, the ones with power, have the ability to insert their ideals upon the rest of the masses.  Sadly, most are sheep simply taking what is served it.  BDSM offers the opportunity to think for oneself.  Since normal cannot be described, the idea is for each of us to determine what is "normal for us".  This involves going within to decide what is present.  It is through this process that one can determine what is the best choice for his or her life.  BDSM is about freedom and it starts with the freedom to choose for yourself.



DN 

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Versatility of a Master

Master
Dom
Daddy
Sadist

I come across profiles stating that they are seeking one of these.  This got me thinking, what do these particular words mean and where does one fit on the spectrum?  How is it that a man is a master but not a daddy for example?

A master is one who is capable to "owning" someone and controlling her life.  This is the most basic definition of it.  From this basis, one acquires certain skills that enhance or add to their interaction. Most masters will have a basic understanding of motivation, psychology, finance, leadership, and other matters which provide direction for the relationship.  At the same time, he will contain qualities such as courage, strictness, discipline, determination, compassion, empathy, patience, and forgiveness.  Please notice how some of these characteristics fall at opposite ends of the spectrum.  Strictness and empathy tend not to go together in the minds of most.  Yet, a true master will have both and apply each when necessary.  If one does not have the full spectrum of qualities, I believe you are more likely dealing with a pretender or an abuser masked as a master.  Being strict is a part of the program.  However, if one is so strict that there is no leeway or flexibility, that is abusive.  A good master can be firm and harsh when needed while also being considerate and caring.. They are not mutually exclusive.

Most of my regular readers know that I feel the title of the dominant is mostly determined by the place the submissive occupies.  Once one is able to master fully, it matters not where the submissive falls on the spectrum.  He is able to fulfill her.  In other words, he is versatile enough to adapt to her needs.  What do I mean by this?  A master can own a sub.  In this instance, he most likely, in common terminology, would be called a dom.  Of course, this does not make him any less of a dominant than when he was called a master.  His abilities did not change, only the state of the submissive.  In fact, depending upon the situation, he might be a master to one and dom to another.  The same is true for being a sadist.  If he is with one who is a masochist, then that is a part of their interaction.  Naturally, if she is not into that, then, while the ability and quality remains in him, it is not a part of their relationship.

Here I am going to insert one of my typical caveats.  On the subject of sadism, I do not believe that it belongs in any relationship where the submissive is not a masochist.  In other words, a submissive who is not into this form of play should not have to endure impact play.  Nor should she be beaten to satisfy his urges.  In my mind, this is the definition of abuse.  Sadism should be the deriving of pleasure by imparting pain on another who ENJOYS that.  If one does not like it, then it becomes abuse.  (Pain as a form of punishment is acceptable as long as the criteria are clear and the pain imparted matches the offense).

Getting back to the topic at hand, my point is that whatever term is applied, they all can be fulfilled by the same person.  As I said, once an individual learned the art of domination and control while engaging in the internal search to uncover what is truly within him, then he is able to fulfill most anyone who comes under his control.  Therefore, if one is looking for a dominant as opposed to a daddy, then he can fulfill the little girl in her.  Too many believe that a master is only sadistic and harsh.  But, as I mentioned, with the spectrum of qualities, a good master is also nurturing and caring.  Only the idiots believe that it is an all or nothing affair (and put on their tough bravado).

An interesting aside to the idea of a master/daddy dom, I once knew a couple that lived M/s for many years.  They were together for a couple decades.  What is interesting is that the master once told me, that as time went by, their relationship morphed into more of a daddy/babygirl as opposed to master/slave type situation. The same two individuals involved in the relationship containing the same abilities yet the relationship altered in terms of the interaction changing the definition.

The bottom line is that the dominant needs to be able to implement what is needed into the relationship to fulfill the submissive.  Those with the idea of looking for one "title" in particular are eliminating many who are exactly what they need.  Of course, with the online world made up of mostly pretenders, this is a safe practice.  Nevertheless, when dealing with someone real, it is best to remember that even if he is a sadist, he is not only that.  A master is a holistic person able to operate in a wide range of situations with a variety of personalities.  For whatever reason, it seems the term master is equated with harshness, violent, and intolerant.  Are there those out there who call themselves masters who fit this description?  Absolutely.  However, I would not call them master but abusers.  Again, a true master is able to operate along the full spectrum.

Food for thought.

DN  

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Life

There is no normal life....there is just life. -Doc Holiday

DN

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I Am Not A Doormat

Today, I am going to write about a topic that absolutely drives me nuts.  As I make my way around the virtual BDSM world, I look at a ton of profiles.  Over time, it is easy to pick up on the general things that people encounter.  This particular subject is so common that it has to be mentioned.

We all know that the idiots and misfits of society views subs, and slaves in particular, as people who are less than they are.  This leads to the tendency to look down upon one which is followed by actions reflecting that viewpoint.  Naturally, this creates a scenario that leads to slaves posting things on their profile.

Whenever I see someone write "I am not a doormat" or "I am not weak", it tells me that one of two things is going on.  Either we are dealing with an individual who has no idea what slavery is all about or it is someone who dealt with the multitude of dumbasses that seem to be drawn to this way of life.  Regardless of what the cause is, it is based upon a false premise.

I am going to emphatically state here that slaves are NOT weak people.  At the same time, they are NOT doormats.   In fact, I could make an argument that slaves are the strongest people within our way of life.  Few ever take the time to consider the inner strength and trust that is required to cede all power over to another.  Volunteering to live in a TPE situation is something that requires one to dig deep before entering.  To believe that anyone can do it is a mistake.  Only a certain few can pull it off successfully.

That being said, I must state that I use the term "slave" to denote someone who is in or seeking to live in a TPE situation.  This is an individual who does not want any control or power other than what is ceded to her by the master.  Now, some operate under this premise while calling themselves subs.  That is fine.  Whatever the terminology that is used, the basic idea holds.

I think it would be worthwhile to consider what a slave goes through in making the decision to give herself to someone.  As mentioned, we are dealing with TPE so the slave has no say over her life except what is granted by her master.  This means things such as where she lives, if she works or not, what clothes she can wear, and who she can interact with.  Depending upon the master, she might be required to learn extensive protocol.  Even without this, there will be house rules which she is going to certainly have to adhere to.  The interaction with her family might be controlled or determined for her.  In short, every aspect of her life is out of her hands.

For many this is a dream state.  This is the ideal they seek.  However, do not underestimate the risks.  We all know this way of life is wrought with abusers.  A slave, just by her nature, is in a position where one can take excessive liberties with her, to the point of causing harm.  This is something that we all need to continue to fight against.  Nevertheless, it does happen so we are remiss if we do not mention it.

A slave has a mind that needs to be developed.  The master is in control but that does not mean he has all the answers.  Drawing upon the business world, if the master is the CEO, he has the final say.  Yet that does not mean he is the only one with some knowledge.  A slave is a valuable resource and often will have good ideas.  A master is best served by hearing her voice and considering it before making a decision.  It is this process that enables him to make more informed decisions and create more harmony within his home.

It seems that many miss the basic premise of BDSM which is growth.  Time and again we see that people are basically looking at slaves as idiots.  Of course, this is done by those I call morons so that ought to say something.  Nevertheless, most are fearful of an intelligent, strong individual.  This is not what they seek.  They intentionally focus upon those who appear dim-witted.  The reason for this is because they truly are insecure about their domination.  It is no challenge to control and dominate someone who is weak.  However, it takes great strength to be able to handle someone who is strong and intelligent.  This is just too much for the masses.  Instead, they opt to treat all at the level they can handle which is pretty low.

In closing, remember this idea.  If a slave truly is property, it is your place to make her as valuable as possible.  Utilize the resources within her and do not treat her like she is a doormat.  Simply because one opts for a position of servitude, that does not equate to weakness.  As I mentioned, I believe that is actually a sign of great strength.

DN 

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My View On Slavery

Words carry great meaning because of the images they present in our minds.  Humans think in pictures and the greatest writers were those who could instill the best images via their words.  Therefore, when we seek to try to understand something, it is best to understand the terminology we use and what it means.  Today, I am going to present some of my ideas on slavery and what certain aspects mean.

Much of my thoughts on this subject, like many things in life, have changed over the years.  My overall summation of slavery is best described in the Nordic sense of the word.  Historical imagery is powerful albeit not always correct.  While agreeing that we operate in a consensual way of life, there are aspects of slavery which can exceed that.

To start, we look at some definitions that seem to confuse many.

Free Woman (or Man):

 This is any non-slave.  Period.  This includes all dominants, submissives, and anyone else who does NOT identify themselves as a slave.  A free person is born free and always will be free.  This person is not destined for ownership unless he or she does determine at a later time to be truly a slave.

Slave:

A slave is someone who seeks total and complete ownership.  This is an individual who desires to live under a total power exchange situation.  All power is handed over to the owner.  To me, this is an extreme relationship set up and there is no middle ground.  Any power that a slave has only exists because it is granted to her by the Master.  Naturally, for this to work, the power she is ceding needs to be to someone worthy of it and able to handle it.  But, then again, that is a different matter altogether.

Another aspect is that a slave only makes the decision to submit once.  In other words, her one major choice is whether to be a slave or not.  Once this is done, she is now "property" of the lifestyle.  She is no longer a free woman.  Her days of taking a free breath are over.  She is a slave the rest of her life and a commitment she is to live up to.

That being said, there are two states of slavery we must detail.

A slave can either be owned or unowned.  Too many make the mistake of believing that if a slave does not have a master, then she is not a slave.  That is not true.  This is akin to stating that one is not a woman if she does not have a husband.  Once a person decides she is a slave and remains fully committed to that, she is worthy of that title.  Of course, the commitment must be to the full power exchange I mentioned.  In my mind, anything short of that, like sexual slavery, is not true slavery.  Under this name, it is a full power exchange in one area while power remains in other areas.  Certainly, this is an acceptable relationship structure yet it is not slavery.

Therefore, a slave is unowned if she lacks a master.  Once she becomes property of another, she ceases to be unowned and can claim to be owned.

Old Tradition

There is one concept that I want to interject that was used in the past yet has fallen by the wayside.  Earlier, I mentioned that a slave makes one major decision: to be a slave.  Obviously, when you read what is written today, this is not the belief.  Many believe the slave decides who she is to submit to.  I can agree with this simply because there are so many pretenders so the likelihood of dealing with a true master are minimized when looking at the numbers.  However, this was not always the case.

There was a time when a slave was not released.  The reasoning was simple.  To start, a slave is a slave hence not capable of freedom.  Another aspect to this was the unfairness of releasing a slave and putting her on her own.  Anyone who lived 24/7 knows the pain that one endures when released.  Not only does she have to deal with the ending of a long term relationship but she also needs to learn how to live again.  What I mean by this is that she instantly has decisions thrust upon her.  For many, this is as painful as dealing with the loss of her relationship.

In the past, on the dominant side, there were mentors.  People did not call themselves dominant simply because they read a few webpages.  Instead, one was trained by another at the finer art of ownership.  This relationship was one that lasted years with both parties growing and helping each other.  It also set up a chain of ownership which was crucial for the slave(s) involved.  Therefore, if a relationship was ending, especially for the reason of death, provisions were made for the slave to have a new home (and owner).  Usually, she was turned over to either the previous owner's mentor or perhaps one that he mentored.  In other words, a slave was not set free on her own.

So what is the practicality of this idea today?  I would say not very good.  Sadly, many slaves are released without provision simply because this concept was completely lost.  As mentioned, we start with the simple fact that most dominants are full of crap (as are many of the submissives).  They are not true practitioners of domination but, rather, game players or, worse, abusers.  Either way, there is a great amount of uncertainty as to what one is dealing with.  In addition, few engage in being mentored into this way of life.  There are no chains of ownership available since everyone is on their own.  

Which brings me to my final point.  I have seen too many simply let go without a single provision for her future.  To me, anyone who does this is NOT a master.  A true master would never operate this way.  If a slave is let go from a TPE relationship, the master will accept responsibility for her until she gets established on her own.  In most instances, this means money.  Is it not interesting that many are perfectly willing to take the proceeds from a slave's work yet unwilling to give some back when the relationship ends.  This is unacceptable.  A master needs to be setting aside provisions in case something happens.  If the end does occur, for whatever reason, the onus is on him to make sure she has some funds to get herself a place and pay her bills until she can get established.  His responsibility does not end simply because the relationship ended.

While finding another owner might not be practical in this era, at least he can be a stand up guy and ensure one aspect of her needs are taken care of.  Too many seem to be tossed out without a thought and, to me, that is not mastery.  Frankly, it is another form of abuse.  Masters need to operate on another level as compared to the rest of the human race.  When you have the power of one's life in your hands, it is crucial you are responsible with that power.  Therefore, thinking the entire thing through is vital.  Ownership is not all sunshine and roses.  Remember that.

DN

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Hauling Your Past Around

It is amazing the ways people sabotage their lives and, in particular, their BDSM interactions.  I see this all the time as I travel around the Internet reading profiles and entries people make.  It is astounding how some people can express themselves.  They are almost poetic in their writings.  However, they are also very revealing with how they think.

Have you ever wondered why some people, perhaps yourself, find themselves on an endless loop?  What I mean by this is that their life simply keeps repeating itself.  We see this all the time within the BDSM world with people continually getting into relationships that basically mirror each other.  How come, for example, one goes from one abusive relationship to the next?  At the same time, we see so many find fake after fake after fake.  Why is this?  What is the cause of this?

My belief is people and their lives are simply a product of their thinking.  As they think, so they behave.  This is not a novel concept since it has been written about for over 100 years.  Some of the greatest "teachers" in the last century have boldly stated that it is our thinking that creates our reality.  Many will have noticed that fear, the Devil's greatest technique according to Napoleon Hill, is a great creator in life.  What someone fears most tends to come to fruition.  Why is that?  Obviously, when one fears something, he or she focuses upon it while adding a great deal of energy to that thought.  Over time, the fear takes on a life of its' own until it materializes in the physical world.  If you look honestly over parts of your life, you will see how this is true.

Many within the BDSM community have a tendency to relive their past even while in the present.  This is extremely common among the submissive types yet they do not have a monopoly on it.  Dominants are just as likely to engage in this behavior.  So often I see some of the poetic types writing wonderful prose yet opening up all their fears for the world to see.  It is rather sad yet they are completely unaware of what the problem is.

Let me tangent for a second and ask a few questions: 

Do you like to be told that you have smaller boobs than the last slave?
How do you like being told that you are not as good in bed as my ex?
Does it feel good to have how wonderful the last submissive was thrown in your face?
Is it appealing to you to be repeatedly ranked or grouped with those he or she interacted with in the past?

I would say most people would say they would not like this done.  However, have you ever noticed how many people do this exact same thing?  They simply compare all their past experiences to the present situation.  We see the past is dragged into the present which helps to sabotage that situation.  This is especially true when those who suffer emotional turmoil from the breakup of a relationship fail to take the time to properly mourn the ending of that.  Instead, they throw these comparisons out, either on purpose or inadvertently.  Either way, the present situation is poisoned by this behavior.

So what drives it?  My conclusion is fear.  People simply do not know how to get over their life issues and move on.  They tend to focus upon what their experiences are without regard to what chaos it is creating in the present.  This is a basic Life 101 skill that few are adept at.  Sadly, it is also a practice that seems to sabotage so many BDSM relationships.  I cannot tell you how many times I witnessed someone saying something to the effect "let it go" only to have the person hold onto it.  The failure to let these emotional hangups go is what causes people tremendous grief because they keep replaying it in their mind.  To add insult to injury, the situation is worsened because of the fact the replaying is done with added emotion which is like putting a thought on steroids.  The chance of it materializing is that much greater.

One of the worst things you can say to someone is "you are just like all the rest".  The truth is we are individuals.  Everyone is unique.  To make a statement like this fails to recognize that person's individuality and unique traits.  Therefore, if the person has any self worth, he or she will tell you to go with someone else since replacement is so easy.  Grouping people, especially one you are interacting with on a highly emotional level, is fatal.  It is the easiest way to destroy a relationship.  Each person wants to be liked and accepted for his or her individual qualities.  Undertaking the process I just described leads to destruction.  It really is that simple.

Now that you understand the process, is it any wonder that most people are extremely unsuccessful in the online BDSM world?  Yes, it is reality that the vast percentage of people online are fake, scammers, and people with ulterior motives.  This cannot be denied.  However, not everyone falls into this category.  In fact, with the online BDSM world being so large in terms of people, there are thousands of people who are real and genuine.  It does take some searching.  Nevertheless, since most have a list as long as their right legs of catastrophic situations, their pre-programming is such that they actually look for the negative.  In other words, they focus upon someone being a scammer, liar, and scumbag.  And guess what they find.  Science calls this hypothesis bias which means that a researcher will tend to find results that match his/her bias entering the experiment.  What we focus upon appears.

Now my question is how many worthy people did this individual come across yet negate simply because he or she was focusing upon the negative?  What opportunities were lost since our BDSM practitioner determined that he or she was going to look for signs of this one being unreal?  How many relationships did he or she get into only to have them destroyed by the need to compare the present situation with the past?  My research led me to believe that many do this.  This is why so many relationships, both inside and outside BDSM, end up in train wrecks.  Quite simply, people are not present in the relationship.  Instead, they are seeing all the past on the face of the person standing three feet away.

Someone once asked my why I write so much about fear.  I do this because it is the great enemy.  Fear truly is the master of most (98% of the people according to Hill).  Those of us in the BDSM world are just as apt to fall prey to the same human conditions that exist in all of society.  Being aware of this emotion is extremely valuable.  Fear is a dominating force that can destroy completely.  Few have an understanding how it operates in life.  It is subtle, dangerous, and ever present.  The situation I used in this post shows how fears do come true.  Comparing what happened in your past, especially the negative aspects of life (isn't it interesting that few pull the positive aspects of the past into the present) shows how one is fearful of the present situation.  In other words, one is expecting (focusing upon) the worst.  Ironic, that is exactly what one gets.

It is a healthy practice to take stock of what goes on in your life.  This includes analyzing the relationships you were in and what occurred.  And yes I will admit that not everything is your fault.  There are some devious, mean-spirited, and scumbag people out there.  BDSM is an umbrella for many abusers.  However, this does not absolve you of your part in these situations.  Where did your fear hinder progressing forward?  In what ways did it lead you to behavior that sabotaged any opportunity for success?  Tony Robbins likes to say "the past does not equal the future" yet for most people it does.  The reason is that they insist on hauling their past around with them and wearing it like it is a badge of honor.  This is why people experience the endless loop aspect of life.  No matter what changes in their life, since their thinking (and fear) is the same, ultimately nothing changes.

And the net result is another lost BDSM relationship.

DN 

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Spanking

DN 

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

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"I Won't Do Anything Illegal"

This is a phrase that I see written all the time by subs/slaves.  Many seem to feel they are not to break the law and that it is alright for them to say no to anything that is not tolerated by the law.  Oh really.

Today I will establish how asinine this outlook is.  I will also show how all these law abiding subs/slaves are not what they envision but people who operate on the wrong side of the law.  Welcome to reality!

Yesterday, I wrote a post about us being wolves as opposed to sheep and marching to the beat of our own drummer.  In this article I made the point that we determine what we engage in despite the law.  Our way of life is consensual and as long as that exists i.e. nobody else is harmed, have fun.  Obviously, society does not see it that way but that is an entity that is founded upon control and inhibiting behavior.  People freely exercising their will is what BDSM is all about.  Naturally, the powers that are cannot tolerate that.  Anarchists are their enemy (true one not the nut jobs who are really communists/socialists dressed up).  These are people who understand true anarchy is freedom especially of the mind.  Society prefers group think since it is easier to control the message.  When people exercise their own mental abilities to determine what is best for them, society loses its influence.  This is a situation which cannot be tolerated.

Getting back to the legality of things, I am certain that most people are unaware that BDSM is illegal in many areas.  In the UK, just having BDSM pornography is a crime.  Across the pond, there are a number of states which banned BDSM activities.  Do you live in Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Nevada, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Utah or Virginia?  If you do, getting together with your play partner is a crime i.e. illegal.  What was it that you were saying about not doing anything illegal?  I guess our subs/slaves will only engage in BDSM activities in states where it is approved.

Another interesting fact that few consider is that many of these states will slam you in other ways.  Anyone who lives in the states of Alabama, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Michigan, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas and Utah has the legal system in the bedroom again.  These states still have anti-sodomy laws on the books even though the Supreme Court outlawed it over a decade ago.  That means no anal play for you (I guess the gay guys are really screwed...or is it not screwed).  So for our law abiding subs/slaves who like it up the rear, sorry, not until we vacation somewhere that it is legal.  Of course, if you are one who engaged in this behavior in one of these states, you ran afoul of the law.

But wait, there is more.  Raise your hand if you are in the states of Alabama, Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Mississippi, Georgia, North and South Carolina, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, Utah, Virginia and Washington D.C.  Guess what it is illegal to do in these states?  Anyone have a guess?  For those who said it is illegal to give or receive oral sex, give yourselves a hand(job).  These states have laws making it illegal to go down on your partner.  Therefore, for all those subs/slaves who love giving oral sex, again you have to wait to go on that vacation because in these states it is a no-no.

As a side note, North Carolina banned both oral and anal sex.  In spite of this, do you know what is legal in this state?  Beastiality.  Therefore, it is illegal for a woman to take her husband anally yet she can take the family dog however she wants.  How is that for logic?  Are you starting to see how the law can be a bit bi-polar?

Of course, no conversation about doing things illegal would be complete without discussing the fact that subs/slaves will not do anyone who is underage.  A fine outlook in my opinion if one could explain what underage is.  How old does someone have to be to be considered "of age" sexually?  Again, it depends on where you are located.  Most believe it is 18 but they are incorrect.  In the United States, the range is between 16 and 18 depending upon what state.  Thus, it is illegal to have sex with anyone in Florida under the age of 18 but if you go to the neighboring state, Georgia, all is well as long as she is 16. (Remember a couple decades back when Rob Lowe was caught on film with two "underage" girls?  He was never prosecuted because they were both 16 and the incident took place in Georgia).  

This subject gets even weirder when you start to look at the ages around the world.  Let us look at some of our friends over in Europe.  Germany, Italy, Portugal, and Austria are all 14.  Spain is 13.  UK and Ireland 16.  And good ole Turkey is 18.  So please tell me what underage is again.  It is also interesting to note that one can have sex with a 16 year old in the UK but it is illegal for a 40 year old to have some kink.com videos on his/her laptop.

Another aside, all these ages refer to heterosexual sex.  As we mentioned with the anti-sodomy law, there are a host of ways countries make homosexual sex illegal.

Finally, there is the age old BDSM idea of whipping and beating a sub/slave.   This is something that many of us enjoy since this way of life has many sadists and masochists in it.  However, at least in the states, we need to cross this item off the list.  The reason being is beating another person is called assault by the law.  This holds true even if it is consensual.  Many believe that an activity between consenting adults makes it legal in the eyes of the law.  It does not.  Remember the laws against anal sex; it is still illegal even when consented to.  There was a case in Colorado a number of years back where someone was prosecuted under the law for engaging in consensual impact play.  Again, do not make the mistake of believing that something becomes legal simply because there is consent.

Therefore, I ask, who is willing to alter their behavior to be in accordance with the law?  Are you going to give up oral and anal sex if you are in particular states?  If you said that you will not do anything illegal, then this is the only path.  These activities are illegal in many areas.

The point I am making is the law is often absurd.  Even when trying to operate from a moral basis, like protecting children, try and figure out what is correct.  Why is the age of consent in one area 13 and 18 in another.  What is the difference between Georgia and Florida other than an imaginary line.  Do an act on one side of the line and you are in compliance yet move a few miles down the road and, suddenly, you are a criminal.  Of course, it is asinine to even talk about the word consent since the idea of consent in many activities is not even considered by the law.  Oral, anal, and BDSM activities are illegal...period.  Consent does not alter this outcome.  In my opinion, this is a total farce.

Part of being involved in BDSM is the knowledge that much of what we do is not accepted by society.  At the same time, there are many activities which are outright banned by it.  Accepting this is part of the process of fully immersing oneself into the BDSM way of life.  We are not hardened criminals yet can be seen as such in the eyes of the law.  Therefore, it is up to us to determine which behavior we will and will not engage in.  This decision cannot be based upon the legality of things since, as we see, much of what we do is considered illegal.  Ultimately, we get the mindset of non-conformity.  Society has its values and we operate from a different set.  We are in a life that allows for indulgence as opposed to abstaining.  BDSM is about freedom (and the responsibility that comes along with that) instead of being sheep and blindly obeying.  We are not total anarchists but do have the mindset that this is our life to do as we see fit.  Also, we understand that, as long as nobody else is harmed, we are free to engage in whatever behavior we like.  In many ways, we subscribe to the laws of nature as opposed to man's law.  This is what being a wolf is all about.

DN 

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500,000 Visitors

 THANK YOU ALL.  WE JUST PASSED 500,000 VISITORS. 

I appreciate all those who regularly visit this blog as a path to some useful and quality information about the BDSM world.  With so much mis-information, I take pride in trying to convey a message that properly reflects the reality of this way of life.  

Thank you again to all those who helped make this a success over the past few years.  Please help us spread the message by posting links to articles you like in different spots around the net.  You never know who might click on it and be touched by something.

DN 

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People Are Sheep...We are Wolves

I hope this title got your attention.

Do you know why I wrote this?  Because it is true.

The world is made up of followers.  People are asleep.  Everyday we run into people who lack the ability to think clearly and independently.  Instead, they swallow the Kool Aid that is served up to them as if it were fact.  This is true regardless of the source.  The media, educational system, religions, and people we interact with ALL have an agenda.  No matter what it is, they are going to force it down your throat.

Society is very strong in the conditioning department.  It puts forth ideas that it wants the subjects to embrace and pounds it into their skulls.  Again, this is done through a combination of the aforementioned institutions in an effort to create obedient souls.  Freedom is not something that is espouses.  People are taught to fall in line or risk being ostracized by those closest to him or her.  History is filled with examples of this. If you are at a loss, just consider the plight of homosexuals throughout the ages.

The net result is society creates a concept it calls "normalcy".  Of course, this is never fully explained or clarified but we learn, through our rearing, what is generally considered normal or not.  We learn this lesson by witnessing the reactions that are received to certain behaviors in addition to the programing we receive from the agenda machines.

A fact that cannot be overlooked is that almost of all of us were under this umbrella at one time or another.  We are no different from the mainstream masses.  In fact, in many ways, most of us still operate within this realm.  However, there is at least one phase of our lives which constitutes a change: our entry into BDSM.

Entry into BDSM means that one is going against the norm.  As we all know, the traditional method of structuring a relationship is what is touted as normal by society.  Again, for those who live under a rock, it is a mongamous, heterosexual (mostly), lifelong commitment based upon equality.  Anything outside this is considered abnormal.  In fact, is it not interesting that they even have a name for anything outside these parameters...alternative lifestyle?  BDSM is considered an alternative lifestyle because it is different from what the masses espouse.

Anyone who decides to join this way of life is separating him or herself from the sheep.  This individual is utilizing the power of independent thought.  Instead of following the masses, this person is looking at his or her life in an effort to determine what will lead to personal fulfillment.  Unfortunately, we typically start this process after we realize that following the traditional model led to repeated train wrecks.  Nevertheless, once we begin to question what is considered normal and how it applies to our life, we begin to take control for ourselves.  No longer are we sheep simply obeying the belief system someone else established for us.  We are now looking at things objectively in an effort to reach conclusions which will serve us personally.

The wolf is an animal that is a predator.  It roams the wild surviving harsh elements.  While this species will travel in packs, it is rather independent.  In other words, this is not an animal that becomes domesticated.  Marching to its own beat has always been it modus operandi.  This creature epitomizes free, both the positive and the negative.

BDSM is a world where people are free to choose as they like.  This freedom opens up a host of possibilities that previously were non-existent.  However, the downside to this is that we are also responsible for all we choose.  Pointing the finger at someone else and blaming them for our plight is not part of this life.  We take responsibility for the decisions we make and the situations we get ourselves in.  Do you see the wolf complaining about the lack of food during the Winter or the fact that the snowfall is exceedingly deep?  Of course not.  The animal just keeps on going and surpassing whatever obstacle is in its way.  Much in the same way, we in the BDSM world persevere in spite of the challenges that come with this way of life.  Those who survive and excel within this way of life are those who do not waiver in their commitment.  At the same time, they eliminate any possibilities outside their desired outcome.  In other words, going back to vanilla is not an option.  We entered this because we found vanilla lacking and made it our home.  Therefore, success within BDSM is the only path for us.

As you can see, mindset is crucial to our endeavors here. (If you missed it, I wrote a post about the power of the mind which is a worthy read)  It is within our minds that we determine whether we are going to be a sheep or not.  Those of us who are in this way of life obviously decided that we are not following what society sets out for us, at least as it pertains to this part of our life.  Instead, we found a better way for us and we are sticking to it.

Which brings up my next point.  Many people seem to be entering the BDSM world (and remaining) while maintaining the vanilla mindset.  Unfortunately, this tends to be a source of great trouble.  BDSM offers a great deal that is radically different from what we were taught growing up.  Not only is the relationship structure different but also so are most of the activities we engage upon.  Naturally, society, as a whole, tends to look down upon us for what we are into.  In fact, some of our activities are considered illegal by the governing bodies.  An example of this is impact play.  We call it a scene, the authorizes call it assault.  Even when it is consensual, this is the case (research some of the cases online where individuals involved in this were jailed for a scene).  Therefore, having the understanding that we walk a fine line with some of the activities we engage in is paramount.  Again, this is where the mindset comes in.  Are you going to live according to your own beliefs or adhere to what others set down for you?

I must make this point perfectly clear.  What we are involved in within this way of life is consensual.  This is what separates BDSM practice from abuse.  Sadly, we have far too many abusers hiding under the guise of BDSM but that is a subject for another day.  My point is that even if we are into some extreme things, both (or all) parties are consenting before it starts.  Even things that are "forced" occur under the larger umbrella of consent i.e. a consensual relationship with "forced" behaviors as part of it.  Society, as an entity, frowns upon this yet this is normal for us.  Again, we notice a shift in mindset.

The final point I want to make today pertains to the idea of BDSM and vanilla life.  As I have repeatedly mentioned, too many write something about having BDSM wrapped around their vanilla life.  There is no separation.  This is another shift that has to occur.  We live life, that is it.  BDSM is our life.  Granted, we are not leather and whips 24/7 but there is no separation.  We operate in the real world.  However, once the shift in mindset takes place with regards to our relationship structure, we often find that we question many more beliefs that were instilled within us.  Remember, entering BDSM is a freeing experience and the greatest freedom is that of the mind.  Suddenly all the beliefs that we defended without even being aware of where they came from are subject to be examined.  This leads us to start altering other, specific areas of our lives.  The radical mental transformation penetrates all areas resulting in that wolf mentality.  Naturally, there are times we are obedient souls such as when the boss is standing in front of us.  Few of us are so masochist we are going to destroy our lives simply to insert some radical thinking in our workplace.  Nevertheless, the mindset is still there.  Quite simply, we look at the world through the lens of freedom rather than restriction.

And that is one of BDSM's greatest gifts.

DN  

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