I apologize for not writing the last couple weeks. Sadly, I found myself a bit under the weather with a nasty bug which has taken some time to get past.
Today I am going to cover a topic, like many, that applies to more than simply BDSM. However, since I do not view BDSM as a kink as much a way of life, it stands to reason that all things that apply to life are pertinent to BDSM. My view is simple: BDSM is life. There is no separation.
There is a saying in the personal development world that most people do not know what they want simply because they do not know what it is they want. This might seem strange until you thoroughly analyze what people do with their lives. Have you ever noticed the success someone with a goal and a plan has? When someone is crystal clear what they want, the chances of achieving that outcome are greatly increase. Sadly, few have this laser-like focus. Instead, most people waffle through life accepting what comes to them. They have no specific goals with plans for the accomplishment. In short, they are not very clear about what they want. Therefore, they do not achieve it.
The same holds true in the BDSM world. There are many difference facets, avenues, and structures that one can follow. We see this when we interact with someone new and he or she mentions how overwhelming it all is. When we step back, we do realize that this is certainly the case. BDSM can be overwhelming at first. With so many variations available (and acceptable), it is difficult to decipher where to start. Couple this with the fact that, in my belief, we need to engage in extensive inner searching to truly uncover what we desire, we realize that it basically is too much for most people. The average person is accustomed to waffling through life. BDSM offers an opportunity to take control, something most people are not accustomed to doing.
Freedom is a wonderful thing. Personally, I feel BDSM is the life choice that equals freedom. This sounds strange considering that we are involved in something where bondage and enslavement are acceptable methods of interaction. However, when one is being true to him or herself, as Shakespeare wrote hundreds of years ago, we see that this is, indeed, freedom. One is free to choose basically whatever is desired. The limitations that society likes to erect no longer exist. Outside a few areas, most anything is acceptable (although, unfortunately, you will still deal with judgments even within the life itself).
A problem that arises is that with freedom comes responsibility. While it is acceptable to have the "kid in the candy shop" situation when first encountering BDSM, after a while it is up to us to start deciding what it is we want. I cannot tell you the number of profiles that I see online where someone writes something to the effect "I am just seeing what is here" and then I notice their profile is a few years old. Naturally, not everyone fills in these profile pages but serious people usually have something to write.
Therefore, it is imperative that one decides exactly what it is he or she wants. Again, going into the success management field, this is referred to as the rifle approach. When trying to hit a target, a rifle is more accurate than a shot gun. For those who know guns, a shot gun provides a much wider shot. A rifle, on the other hand, is targets and provide a clean hit. We can transfer this idea to our BDSM by simply acknowledging that it is too varied to use the shot gun approach. Shaking a tree and seeing what will fall it simply will not work.
So, the question "what do you want" is something that everyone needs to sit down and answer. What do you truly desire? What will it take for you to be fulfilled? Are you looking for full fledged service? Do you like poly or do you prefer a monogamous situation? What areas are you willing to explore and investigate? Where are you willing to commit to improving so as to make yourself more attractive to those who are in that particular aspect of this life? What do you want in the other person?
Now some will say that getting too specific eliminates too many possibilities. To a certain degree I would agree. However, the likelihood of someone being too specific is no where near the odds that one is too general. This simply is human nature. Remember, we are not accustomed to deciding, in detail, what we want. Therefore, take the chance on overstepping the bounds and having too narrow a search. You can always change it later.
One final thought on this subject. You must decide what are the major sticking points for you. The truth is that it is highly unlikely that you will meet someone who lines up with every criteria you set down. Thus, it is imperative that you identify the major necessities for you. For example, if you are seeking service that includes domestic work, you best be sure that one you are interacting with is willing to do that. Those who only want bedroom submission tend not to line up when confronted with domestic duties. The same is true for fetishes. If you are a diaper girl, you should make sure he is into that sort of thing. If not, as you can imagine, some conflicts will arise. A situation like that is going to require some bending that each part is unwilling to do.
Remember the idea of a rifle. A marksman is successful because the target is easily identified and he or she can take aim at it. Apply this to your life (BDSM or otherwise). What is it that you want? Answer this question in great detail and you establish a target. Then, you simply need to concentrate on hitting it. But, at least you have a direction to go in which is more than most out there who are simply floating with the current.
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