Human beings hang onto things emotionally. When compared to other species in the Animal Kingdom, the "enlightened" one seems to create a whole lot of pain for itself. It seems the more developed and advanced we become, the unhappier we get. Ironic that we do not see this in other animals.
Take a dog for example. You can discipline your dog and 5 minutes later he/she will interact with you like you were always best friends. Contrast that with humans, especially high school girls, and you will see a stark difference. Humans tend to hold onto the past while replaying it over and over in the mind. Feuds can last years between people oftentimes even after the reason for the dispute is forgotten. Of course, this leads to misery.
Many disciplines throughout the ages have preached the need to let go. While it takes on different forms, it always delivers the same message. One will state that forgiveness is key. Another talks about remaining in the present moment. A third will refer to the idea that it is best not to buy into illusions and the past is nothing more than an illusion. No matter how it is phrased, they all say the same thing. The need to let go of what occurred is imperative.
As I travel around the internet, I am continually amazed how the exact opposite occurs. People do not forget about the past. Instead, they nurture it and add emotion to the thoughts until they grow and prosper. Sadly, the only thing they are watering is negativity. Few look on the positive experiences. Rather, they dwell upon the loss and what is missing. This leads to a state where one is "hurt" or "scarred". Again, few seem to realize they are simply inflicting the wounds themselves.
This situation often plays out in the case of rape. Obviously, this is a traumatic and painful experience that many encounter. Going through a rape and the experience cannot be minimized. In this situation, one is victimized by another by being taken without one's consent. However, this is further enhanced when the victim "victimizes" oneself. What I mean by this is the individual replays the events over and over. It is not uncommon for someone to be doing this years later. Naturally, I am not validating the initial crime. Nevertheless, whereas the rapist assaulted the individual once, the individual does it to herself (or himself) repeatedly. One of the first steps in therapy is stop the practice of reliving and replaying the events. Letting it go is necessary to move past it.
The same can be seen in profiles posted on different BDSM sites. People will talk about their inability to trust since they were harmed by other masters or slaves. Certainly, one needs to resist the desire to act blindly and foolishly. However, every relationship is different and not all are scumbags (just most online). Having an intelligent approach to dealing with someone new is definitely sound. Yet allowing this lack of trust because of past event to sabotage what one is dealing with is basically bringing the past into the present. It is for this reason that many seem to get the same results. If you bring the negative results from past relationships into your present one, what do you think will happen? The only possible outcome is for the past to repeat itself. This is why fear tends to be so powerful and create the results that one least wants. It is impossible for anything else to happen.
People claim to want to be happy yet they seem to do all they can to counter this outcome. The BDSM world is even worse since we know there is a large percentage of abusers, users, game players, and general misfits of society who do not seek the same end as those who are genuine. People are very willing to lie, mislead, and disappear without considering the pain and suffering they cause another. That is the reality of what we deal with, especially online. However, it must be stated that not everyone is that way. You simply do not know what the next profile holds for you. Perhaps that is the real and genuine person you were seeking. The point is that one simply needs to let go of what happened in the past. I am not recommending forgetting all because that leads to reckless and stupid behavior. However, do not allow the past to dictate all your actions.
Now I am going to state that many are going to disagree with me on this. That is simply because most are immature. If you do not believe me, watch all the childish behavior that occurs when someone feels slighted. An example is when someone disappears after chatting for a couple weeks. We all know this happens regularly online. It is part of the realm we operate in. There is no way around this. People are going to play games. Nevertheless, you will see some who make a big stink when it happens. They will post entry after entry for weeks, if not months, on end mentioning what this "person" did. The problem is each time this is done, energy is given to this situation. In addition, this individual refuses to move on instead opting to live in the past. It is done...get over it. I know it is not easy but it is the only way. Sadly, many refuse to do this.
So how do we let go of those things we do not like that happened to us? My answer is to be like Nike and just do it. As moronic as that sounds, it is the only way. One simply needs to move beyond the situation. Certainly, it is important to learn the lesson. However, once that is completed, move on. Take action immediately to move yourself in a different direction. If you are dealing in the online world, send out the next email. Do not allow the disappearing jackass to control your life any longer. Starting chatting with someone who catches your attention. And yes, the exact same thing could happen. However, there is a chance that the next person you are chatting with is real and has what you desire. Either way, you will not find out until you take the action.
People seem to want to hold onto their pain. It is almost as if, for many, it is a badge of honor. The reality is that holding onto pain only makes you a toxic person. It resides within you like a poison. I fail to understand why, as human beings, we are wired to hold onto pain while letting go of the pleasurable circumstances or memories but that seems to be the case. When we are in pain, fear tends to rear its ugly head. At this moment, there is a new master in charge and it does not have your best interest in mind. Ultimately, one becomes imprisoned when the fear takes over. Paralysis is the outcome since that is its desire. We see this in the inability to open up to another or even send the basic emails. The fear of rejection or getting hurt is too great. Of course, like some of the disciplines throughout the ages taught, this is buying into an illusion. The reality is the past situation has no bearing on the present one. Humans tend to forget this idea.
Whatever your present situation in terms of frustration, hurt, or anger regarding the BDSM world, let it go. I can tell you that few of us encountered a path without the emotions you are presently dealing with. It is all the same for all of us. None of us are exempt from the games that are played. Nor are we insulated from the pain when a true relationship ends. Nevertheless, moving on is vital. Certainly, there are times when a "mourning" period is required. However, once sufficient time is given here, one must move forward. To do otherwise is enabling the past to dictate your present and this is pure insanity. Stop buying into illusions. Move forward and prosper.
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20 hours ago