Mastery

Mastery is something that society does not talk about much.  We see it somewhat in the trades with people attaining the status of Master Carpenter or Master Electrician.  These are designations which are received after years of study, practice, and testing.  People who operate at this realm put in the necessary time and effort to be recognized as some of the best in their field.  Obviously, this is a person who one wants to deal with if that service is required.

Personal Mastery

In the BDSM world, the word "Mastery" seems to apply solely to dominants.  Many feel that when one takes his or her domination to a particular level, then that person is a "Master" (or Mistress for the females).  This is something I agree with but leaves a lot to be lacking.  And, this is where I believe the BDSM community is following the wrong path.

Personal Mastery is something that everyone should strive for.  Regardless of the status in life or the lifestyle pursued, we all should excel in as many areas as possible.  It is frustrating to witness so many short change their lives because of their inattention to this matter.  Within BDSM, this is something that applies equally to submissives as it does dominants.

People, in general, are under achievers.  Few are willing to take the time to learn how to excel in the different areas of life.  This is exemplified by those entering the BDSM way of life.  It is amazing to see someone find this lifestyle and instantly call himself a Master or one to claim she is a slave.  How did you achieve these levels?  Obviously, the idea of honing one's skills never enters the mindset of these people.  The truth is there is a lot to learn to be successful in a BDSM relationship.  Again, this applies to both dominants and subsmissives.  The fact that one is ceding control does not mean that he or she is absolved of responsibilities or does not require talent.  Too many enter the lifestyle with this outlook.

The key idea is for each of us to take a look at all areas of our lives.  BDSM is something that entails all about us.  Those who overlook their weaknesses are apt to transfer them to another person when involved in a relationship.  This is something that is witnessed regularly.  The number one area I see is when it comes to emotional control.  Too many simply are children without the ability to control themselves.  Whether it is online or in person, people are this ilk tend to be driven by fear.  They are apt to explode at the slightest inclination or provocation.  Never have they spent time learning how to step back and maintain a cool head about things.  Their tendency is simply to react without thought or hesitation.  This is one of the reason why we see so many vile things said and done.  Hurt people say and do hurtful things.  Mastering oneself will help to minimize this tendency.

How Does One Live Life

It is crucial that all of us look at how we live life.  I see so many who focus upon the "BDSM skills" of another when seeking to get into a relationship.  It is wonderful if the person excels at impact play.  However, a much better question is how is that person healthwise?  Or are they responsible financially?  Do they engage in behavior that is harmful physically, mentally, or emotionally?  These are all situations that will arise within a relationship yet few take the time to investigate it about the other person.

What are your areas of weakness?  This is something that I suggest everyone ask about him or herself.  There will be those areas that are glaring which should require immediate attention.  Of course, the worse it is the more the tendency is to avoid it.  However, as members of the BDSM community, it is important that we each make ourselves into the best people possible.  Part of this process is looking at our shortcomings and striving to overcome them.  The advantage to doing this at this point in time is because we have access to all answers no matter what the problem.

Here are a few areas you should look at:

Health:  how is your weight?  Do you eat properly? Exercise regularly? Smoke or drink excessively?  Do a search on healthier eating or quitting smoking.  You will find a ton of information that assists you.

Financial: Are you in debt?  Are you saving?  How is your financial knowledge about the different investment vehicles out there?  Do you live within your means?  What is your relationship to money?  Again there is a plethora of free programs available online to assist you in this area.

Emotionally:  Do you understand reply versus respond?  How does fear play into your life?  Where does you ego come into play?  How is your self esteem and what is it tied to?  Are there past issues you never resolved?

Intellectual: Do you read and research non fiction topics?  In addition to BDSM, what other areas do you study?  How is your knowledge about world/national affairs?  Do you have any idea what is going on around you?  Are you able to formulate viewpoints and express them?  How are your communication skills?

BDSM is a way of life.  Hence no aspect of life is exempt from scrutiny.  Few people seem to understand that each of us a representative of the lifestyle in general.  How we live is a testament to our character as individuals and, collectively, the lifestyle as a while.  It is sad that the loudest among us seems to be the worst in terms of quality.  Resolve to do your part for the BDSM community by becoming the best person you can be.  

DN

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Character Versus Intelligence

There are a lot of highly intelligent people involved in the BDSM community.  People from all walks of life enter into this lifestyle.  It is not uncommon to meet doctors, college professors, accountants, and business executives.  At the same time, we see that this way of life fits for many plumbers, laborers, and homemakers.  Regardless of the status level, you will find those people involved here. 

Intelligence

Intelligence is something that is valued in the modern world and rightly so.  Some of the greatest minds lived in the last couple hundred years.  Because of this, we now reap the benefits for their collective mental efforts.  Devices that we take for granted today are the result of highly intelligent people getting together and advancing the work of their predecessors.  Laptop computers, cell phones, microwaves, and cable television were all fantasies a generation ago.  However, today, these are "must have" devices.

The ability to think is what separates us from the other members of the Animal Kingdom (that and the opposable thumb).  In the BDSM world, having intelligence is extremely important.  Dominants need to be able to use their mental abilities to establish a direction for a BDSM relationship while navigating all the pitfalls that seem to accompany life.  At the same time, submissives need to understand how they are to interact and use the mind to properly execute all responsibility assigned.  Much of one's standing within the lifestyle is based upon his/her intelligence level. 

Before going any further, it is crucial to define what intelligence is.  Certainly, it contains the natural ability to think.  Those with high IQs are considered intelligent.  However, there is a great deal more to intelligence than just natural smarts.  Knowledge gained through one's own experience and the experiences of others is another aspect of intelligence.  Those who fail to learn the lessons of life are apt to repeat the same mistakes.  This is not intelligent behavior.  Common sense is another component of an intelligent person, one that is often overlooked in the BDSM community.  People seem to turn their sensibilities off upon entering this lifestyle usually to their detriment.

Intelligence is something to be valued but it is not the entire package.

Character

As I mentioned in my last post, character is something that few in the vanilla world pay attention to.  The world has a way of modeling that which is determines to be important.  Success is based upon what one has as opposed to who one is (becoming).  This is the collective mindset of the Western World.  Entering the upper regions of society is what matters...how you get there is secondary. 

The BDSM world does a better job of establishing the importance of character.  However, based upon my observation, it is mostly lip service.  Words such as honor, loyalty, pride, and service are mentioned regularly but rarely exhibited.  This creates a hypocritical situation which puts one at odds with oneself.  Sadly, few realize this or do not care.

Respect for others is a fundamental part of character.  When one takes the attitude that he or she is better than everyone else, it shows a lack of class.  Cockiness is something that few relish.  Personal confidence is an attribute that all should strive for but an over expanded ego is nothing more than fear and low self worth.  Nevertheless, we see so many who have to tell everyone else exactly how they are to live in this lifestyle.  At the same time, many, especially dominants, believe that being in this way of life gives them a license to act like total jackasses.  We see this online in BDSM chatrooms everywhere.

Another aspect of character is the fact that few people believe their word means anything.  This is tied to the idea of being loyal and honorable.  The old adage if you say you are going to do something, then do it.  This is how one lives in congruence with one's word.  Again, in the BDSM community we fail to see this.  There are those submissives who like to Master Hop the first sign of difficulty.  People seem to have the view "easy in, easy out" when it comes to relationships.  At the same time, dominants mislead submissives into believing they will take care of them only to end up being the exact opposite.  Dishonesty is the rule of the day.

Personal Responsibility

The way to change one million people is to get one million people to change themselves.  This is the mindset that I have adopted for the new year.  It is time each of us took personal responsibility for all that we do especially in the BDSM world.  Every action is a reflection of our character.  Paying attention to this will help us all to behave in ways that align with what BDSM is all about.

The first question is are you doing you absolute best in all that you do?  Too many think that BDSM is something that is picked up and put down.  Certainly, there are those within the lifestyle who prefer to engage in the "play" aspects only and not "live" it.  That is perfectly acceptable for those who choose this but they are not the ones I am referring.  My attention is focused upon those who feel that BDSM is a way of life that they want to lead.

I see to many who are quick to jump into relationships upon entering the lifestyle.  They do this without having the skills to operate on this plane.  Instead of seeking what they can add to another person's life, they are looking for someone to save them.  This is where the inherent selfishness enters.  Relationships will fulfill us and do provide something to each person.  However, if one is there to take from the interaction without giving back, then the life of the relationship is limited.  And, this is one of the reasons why BDSM relationships tend to dissolve so quickly.  People seem to believe it is their place to take instead of give.

The ability to succeed in a BDSM relationship is directly related to one's ability to succeed in life.  There are so many who do not focus attention upon themselves and what they are doing.  Instead, they play the blame game, victim, or simply look at the world around them as at fault.  The truth is that BDSM is a journey into one self.  How do you behave in all aspects of your life?  This is what establishes the limits of your relationship.  Those who lack control, emotional or otherwise, will not succeed in BDSM.  Sure, one can blame the dominant or submissive, but is that accurate?  In most instances, it is a cop out.  We all need to take responsibility for what we decide to do.  Failure to do that is embracing a powerless state.

A person of character realizes that in all situations he or she is responsible.  This sounds at odds with a lifestyle that is based upon power exchange but it is completely accurate.  Certainly a submissive grants the power over to another.  However, what is done from that point on is within her realm of responsibility.  One makes the choose of how he or she approaches the decisions that are made.  Are qualities such as honor, loyalty, and respect exemplified?  Or are the actions done begrudgingly?  While approaching situations with intelligence is important, does this person show a complete lack of respect for others around?  Concepts like these are crucial if we are to progress forward as individuals.

The bottom line is that trust is required in all aspects of life.  In the BDSM world, interactions that lack trust are doomed to fail.  Too many simply allow their mouths to state whatever while presenting a different image through their actions.  Talking about a thing such as honor is admirable but it is far more noble to live it.  And, never forget that success is in the simple.  Those who have character will behave in appropriate manners regardless of the protocol.  Something simple as doing the dishes when you say you will goes a long way to establishing the type of person you are.  Continually letting others down, especially one you are involved with, shows a lack of respect for them and failing character on your part.  Trust is difficult to build but easy to rip down.  What we think is one thing but it is what we do that matters to others.

DN

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The Nastiness of BDSM

Of late I am giving a lot of thought to the state of the BDSM community in general.  Sadly, I adopted an outlook which is not too promising about where we are going.  The things that I am witnessing are of great concern to me.  Ergo, I am at a crossroads.  Do I remain a focal figure in the fight to change things or move on with my life enjoying this lifestyle on a personal level?  This is something that we are all confronted with at different times.  Hence, I decided to concentrate my efforts on making a difference.  There is a lot to do and 2013 is when I am going to start it.

Nastiness

The BDSM community is a nasty place.  On a personal level, part of my kink is that I enjoy those who are totally nasty.  However, this is not the type of behavior I am referring to.  Instead, we see so many who feel the need to be mean to others and degrade them in an effort to lift themselves up.  The tonality which people communicate is completely unacceptable.  People are so intent on proving themselves right that they do not consider the views of others.  Ultimately, there is a "my way or the highway" approach. 

Many seem to justify this by proclaiming the world is a nasty place.  I will agree that society in general has taken on this view.  People, today, lack the friendliness and compassion that existed in years past.  The "Good Samaritan" story is a complete work of fiction in this day and age.  People will step around someone having a heart attack on the street with nary a thought of that person. Violence is on the rise in most places with human beings doing the most horrific things to each other.  So the outlook many point to is absolutely accurate.

However, does that mean that the BDSM community should reflect what is going on around us?  We are all aware of what it is like to be ostracized by society.  The fact that we live an "alternative" lifestyle means that we are different from them (at least in their eyes).  People involved in this way of life made a conscious choice to live differently.  We are not normal according to the standards erected by others.  In their view, we are not up to their standards.  Unfortunately, it is my view that the BDSM community lives exactly up to society's standards and all the nastiness that goes along with it.

Character

Character is something that is rarely talked about in the "normal" world.  Money, success, power, achievement, and the McMansion are all qualities that one is suppose to strive for.  The idea of living according to well defined principles is foreign to most.  Character, the quality of person that you are, is paramount if we, as a community, are going to reverse course.

Fear is a powerful weapon.  It is something that humans are now conditioned to buy into.  Originally provided by nature as an ally in the fight or flight scenarios, fear took on a new meaning.  Now, instead of arising in those life threatening situations, it manifests itself in hundreds of different ways.  This is a driving force in our lifestyle.

Ego operates at so many different levels.  Even those who suffer extreme inferiority complexes behave from ego.  The need to be right is a prime example.  When one's identity is tied to the thoughts and impressions of others, this is going to cause one to be confrontational when one is questioned.  Few have the ability to allow others to maintain their point of view.  Instead, the fear of looking "less than" causes one to attack.  This is not a harmonious approach on any level.

The same is true for the "my way or highway" approach to BDSM.  Reality is that people are free to choose how they opt to live their lives.  BDSM is an extension of that ideal.  Part of the process that all must undergo when entering the lifestyle is to determine where he or she fits.  In other words, what do you like?  There is no cookie cutter approach. Some prefer high protocol while others want something less structured.  Gorean works for some while others detest the idea of structuring life based upon a Sci-Fi novel.  Light bondage is the preference at times while others want TPE in all areas.  Regardless of where one decides to interact, the point is to exhibit character.

Over the next few weeks I am going to concentrate my writings on the areas that are important in this regard.  To change anything around us, we must first change ourselves.  Adhering to this principle, you will notice how personal focus is going to be the main theme.  If each person takes a responsible approach to his/her BDSM life, together, we can make a difference within the community at large.  However, it has to start with the person looking back at you in the mirror.

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The Opinion Of Others

Your life is yours to do with it as you wish.

This is a fundamental belief of mine.  Today, I live in a relatively free country although many of those freedoms, in my view, are being eliminated.  This allows me to chose how I want to live my life and what I do with my time.  Every individual walking this planet is given the same thing.  Basically, we are granted a certain period of time to live and then we die.  Some of us get 8 decades while others only get a few days.  The bottom line is none of us are going to live forever and it is up to us to determine how we utilize that time.

Living According To Others

My regular readers know I often write about "societal conditioning".  The reason I do this is because we are all programmed by our surroundings to live a certain way.  Most people have both direct and indirect influences upon them.  Some of the direct ones are parents, teachers, friends, neighbors, and other family members.  The media or overall cultural norms are some of the indirect factors which shape our lives.  Regardless of how it is derived the truth is that most of us adopt beliefs that reflect those around us.

In addition to beliefs, another factor that arises is the common idea that people succumb to the wishes of others.  Societal conditioning, in all its forms, trains us the proper paths in life to follow.  If we stray from what is considered "normal", one risks being ostracized.  Peer pressure is a powerful weapon.  Few like to be isolated and feel different from everyone else.  People, inherently it seems, have a natural insecurity which is magnified when one is made to feel different.  

Therefore, we embrace the concept of "people pleasing".  Trying to stay in the good graces of others is so vital to most of us.  We follow the path established by others so that we will not suffer any of the ill consequences of not doing so.  Individuality is stressed until one actually exercises it.  Then we find there is a price to pay for "leaving the reservation".  This is why one from a long line of doctors also becomes a doctor (or whatever profession).  People will marry the proper person (race, religion, looks, etc..) for the same reason.  Political, religious, and sports affiliations are usually a matter of the family tendencies and the physical location where one was raised.  Overall, people live according to the ideals of others.

Understanding That Its Your Life

BDSM is an alternate life path.  Even though there are a number of recent situations which helped to move the lifestyle more towards the mainstream, the bottom line is that people who engage in BDSM activities, at least to the lifestyle degree, are in the minority.  Therefore, those of us who elect this way of life open ourselves up to the criticism of others.  Most do not understand what we are into and can only judge.  Open-mindedness, something that is talked about a great deal, is rarely present.  The emotional impact is enhanced when it is coming from someone who is close to us.

Your life is just that....yours.  It is imperative that you make decisions that lead to your fulfillment.  Certainly we all have responsibilities and there are times we must do things which we do not like.  However, that does not mean one is obligated to follow a particular path simply to appease the opinions of others.  The truth is that no matter what you do, the critics will still exist.  Thus, you might as well go about doing what makes you happy.

Does this mean we are arrogant and obtuse about our decisions?  No.  I am a believer that just because we choose to live a certain way, in this instance BDSM, that does not mean we are entitled to infringe upon others.  If, for example, one moves in with his/her parents, that does not mean he or she walks around the house naked with only a riding crop (unless the parents are into that type of thing).  I see the tendency of so many who are new to the lifestyle to tell everyone what they are now involved in.  Most find out that the joy is not shared by his or her loved ones.  Their lack of understanding (and disappointment) is quickly expressed.

You choice to enter the BDSM world is an individual decision.  This is not something that can be done to satisfy a partner, friend, or anyone else.  BDSM is a wonderful way to live for those who truly desire it.  At the same time, it is also difficult and trying.  Persistence is a trait that many require.  Sadly, if you are not committed to it for yourself, you will find this quality lacking.  And that is one of the main reasons why so many just "dabble" in the lifestyle.

Whatever your decision, remember that the opinion of others does not matter.  This is your life.  Trying to satisfy those around you is an impossible task.  You have only a certain number of days left on this planet.  In the end, everyone with an opinion will end up dead just like you.  At that time, what they think will not matter.  Well, guess what?  Their opinions are meaningless right now.  Decide to live life as you see fit.  If BDSM hits home with you, pursue it with all the vigor you can muster.  There is no reason why you should have to settle for anything less.

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Maturity Level

Today I am going to cover a topic that seems constant within the BDSM community.  It is sad that a lifestyle that is considered "alternative" and leads to the ostracizing of so many by the vanilla world would take such an approach.  But, alas, it is the case and one that I witnessed for years, especially in the online world.

Difficult Path

The Internet has been a mixed blessing for the BDSM community.  While it has allowed for the spread of information and opened up the lifestyle to many more people, it is also a medium that requires some specialized skills to navigate.  One of the foundations of the Internet is anonymity.   A person has the ability to become whatever he or she wants.  There is no way to verify everything that a person is saying.  That is why this mechanism is so wrought with fraud.  Almost all of us has received the email from the Prince who has $30M back in his home country that he is willing to share if you provide the $10,000 to assist him in getting it back.  It is a scammers paradise.

Certainly not everyone is a fraud and a scammer.  However, my experience is that half of the "people" online are not who they claim to be.  Some are married when they state they are single but are just looking for some online fun.  Others are assuming a role of the opposite sex for their giggles.  And still others are short and plump when they claim to be tall, dark, and handsome.  This is the reality of what we deal with when engaging others online.

Clicks

In addition to the frauds, another problem I noticed if the fact that people can get very "clickish" when dealing online.  It is interesting to watch how people will protect each other when in fact, most likely, they are nothing more than characters on a screen to each other.  Sure it is possible that they interact through more traditional mediums but not likely when you notice that many are in separate parts of the world.  Regardless of their relations, the sad fact is that clicks are a sign of immaturity and the fact that they are so common tells me the level of maturity of most.  This is something that makes me think we are back in high school.

Another problem with this behavior is for those who are new and truly have the desire to learn.  Have you noticed how mistakes are not tolerated?  This is commonplace on the sites where "protocol" is the norm.  These are the places where a bunch of "doms" demand respect and all subs are to behavior in a certain manner.  Another part of my experience is that most of these dominants are nothing more than buffoons who really have no idea what domination is.  At the same time, someone who is new is being indoctrinated into this stupidity.  BDSM is about freedom and personal development.  Behaving in a rote manner is a sign of laziness and lacking in imagination.  Yet these are the places that many flock to.  In turn, our submissive is surrounded by others who believe this is how things are.  Sadly, if the new person begins to question or strays from the protocol, he or she (most likely she) is ostracized.

Rudeness 

 The bottom line is there is a great deal of rudeness which takes place.  It still baffles me how common courtesy is absent.  I guess it is to be expected when one is a borderline fraud and he or she is well aware of it.  Fear makes people behave in strange ways.  When one is possessive of other or his/her place, it is natural that person is going to be aggressive in defending that.  Yet, this only reflects upon that person and tells anyone watching "I am insecure".

Those who are comfortable with themselves do not feel the need to be rude.  I have no problem with being respectful nor interactive with anyone regardless of their "position" within the lifestyle.  The fact that I am dominant and have lived a certain way thus gaining experiences that perhaps others do not have at this moment does not put me higher on the scale.  A new person,dominant or submissive, is just another individual.  That person has feelings and desires the same as everyone else.  Sadly, this outlook is not commonplace.

Again, one's behavior reflects more on them than the other person.  So, if you are one who is rude and ignoring people because they do not fit into your click, take a look at your actions.  What is that saying about yourself and, more importantly, why do you behave in such a way?  What are you afraid of?  Why do you feel the need to instantly degrade someone just because you are supposedly dominant?  It is best to remember the person on the other end of your interaction is a human being.  Just because he or she does not adhere to your protocol or fit into your click, that is your hangup.  If you need to behave in such a manner, that shows that you are both immature and scared.   Perhaps you should think about growing up; high school is over.

It is time that we all start approaching one another in a more respectful, genuine manner.  People who are involved in this lifestyle find enough ways to be ostracized by the vanilla world.  There is no need for us to compound the situation without our interactions.

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Abuse 103

This entry is going to discuss a very important subject for those who are involved in the BDSM lifestyle.  Many seem to feel that it is something that can be overlooked in certain situations.  Sadly, this is not the case and it is this one activity which causes the horrific stories we read about in the mainstream press.  It is time to clarify this issue so that people are aware of the necessity of SAFE WORDS.

Safety Is Most Important

I cannot stress this enough.  There is nothing more important than safety in the BDSM world.  Everything is secondary to this.  There is nothing that a dominant person should place higher in the forefront of his/her mind than ensuring the person entrusted is well taken care of.  Submissive persons are putting themselves at great risk by handing that trust over.  Naturally, this should not be done easily.  It is crucial that the person who is being entrusted is worthy. 

Unfortunately, many are not responsible with the power they are given.  For this reason, a submissive must ensure that all activity proceeds in a safe manner.  Anything to the contrary would necessitate exiting the situation.  I am well aware of protocol and how a submissive needs permission.  Hogwash.  When it comes to matters of safety, if the dominant is not being responsible, the submissive needs to leave.  Protocol be damned.  Nothing is worth risking your life or body because someone is either naive or asinine.

Another point that must be mentioned is that there are many within the BDSM world who use it as a guise to abuse.  There are a lot of naive people who enter this lifestyle believing everything that is told to him or her.  It is scary at how these people are instantly prey for those who have an agenda to hurt.  Being dominant does not mean being able to take advantage of another however you see fit.  It means being able to control the mind and body of another while leading him or her to a predetermined outcome.  Growth is the foundation of all success both inside and outside the BDSM world.

Always Use A Safe Word

Notice the word "always" in the title.  This is word is not substitutable.  One cannot use words such as "sometimes", "most often", "occasionally", or "when I feel like".  A safe word must ALWAYS be used.  Every situation that involves any type of impact play, bondage, or other types of extreme interaction requires the use of this strategy.  It is something that a submissive needs in his or her arsenal.

I often hear that because someone is a slave, this is not the case.  Sure "it is fine for the subs but my slave does not need a safe word; I know when she had enough."  Again...HOGWASH.  I am in this way of life a long time in scenes with many different types of people, some who absolutely loved pain to the point of wanting to pass out.  That being said, I ALWAYS give one a safe word to use.  At any moment that it is uttered, all activity stops.  This is non-negotiable on either part.  If a sub wants things to continue, do not say the safe word.  It is an automatic stop sign.

The bottom line is that even if you are involved with a person for a long time, it is impossible to know how they are day-to-day.  Simply because one could attain a certain level one day, that does not mean that he or she can go there the next.  Each day our bodies, minds, and emotions are different.  Therefore, a submissive needs that exit strategy to cease the activity if it becomes too much.  One might be adept at reading the person under care but it is not foolproof.  Ignoring this concept is what leads to accidents, some of which are fatal.

If you are dealing with someone who says that he or she never uses a safe word or that "you dont need that", run the other way.  I am here to forewarn you about this person.  Also, if you find yourself in a situation where one is ignoring the safe word you state, as soon are you can get free, leave.  Do not deal with a person of this sort.  This is a point that is not open to negotiation.  BDSM is a consensual lifestyle for responsible people.  One who opts for the path just described is not responsible but, rather, an abuser.

Remember this as you trek around the Internet and real time BDSM world.  There are a lot of abusers out there.  It is up to you to recognize the warning signs.  

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Mastery: More Than Being Dominant

Words have meaning.  To truly understand what is going on, it is helpful to know precisely what a word means and the message it conveys.  Most people do not take the time to do this.  Also, when it comes to the BDSM world, they tend to think that what applies in the traditional realm is not applicable here.  This is where they are mistaken.

Mastery

Too many people believe that simply because they have a particular characteristic that this translate into knowledge.  The prime example of this are all the people we meet online who claim to be "Masters".  Here we have an individual who has identified the quality of domination within oneself yet falsely believes that equates to mastery.  Therefore, our wonderful new person capitalizes his name and enters the BDSM world as a master.

In the electrical field, we see many who enter that career because they have the inclination.  From the days of their youth, they were always tinkering with electronic devices.  This lead to a fascination with electricity and, ultimately, a pursuit of it as a career.  However, this leaning towards the electrical field does not make this person a master.  In fact, he or she enters as an apprentice studying under a Master Electrician.  It takes years of study for one to reach this certification.  A general tendency does not equate to mastery.  You find this true in all the skilled fields.

Yet in BDSM people do not think like this.  They think the term Master is something that is given (usually self titled).  Few realize all that goes into successfully being a master of someone else.  To start, it requires mastery over oneself, something few seem to be able to do.  Secondly, total responsibility must be assumed hence the shift of playing the blame game which is so often present in people today.  Finally, areas of expertise such as particular types of play, psychology, and time management all come into play.  As you can guess, simply because one suddenly claims to be a master, that does not mean any expertise is present in any of these fields.

Mastering Oneself

I see few mention this in the online world but I feel it is the most important part of becoming a master.  So many are touting that they will take complete control of a slave's life and run it as they see fit.  The question is what are your qualifications for doing that?  For example, most want to control the money on a slave's behalf.  How successful is that person at running his own financial affairs?  If that person just blew through a $1M inheritance with nothing to show for it or is in debt with credit cards beyond human comprehension, perhaps that is a bad idea.  The same is true with one physique.  While it is not important to have a supermodel body, do you have enough control over yourself to exercise and eat properly.  Sure, there will be exceptions to the rule because of illness or some other medical condition, but the fact is most people in the Western World do not take care of themselves physically.  To me, this shows no mastery over this part of one's life.  Yet these people often are out there promoting the idea that they want someone "who is fit".  Take a look in the mirror first.

Having a natural inclination towards domination is only the starting point.  If you seek becoming a master of someone else, it is best to star the process of study.  Like in the trades, it is going to require years of study before you are at this level.  Unlike those professions, there are no course nor certifications which can be attained.  It is up to you to seek out the knowledge and sift through all the misleading garbage that is written.  This can make things difficult.  However, the effort itself shows a great deal about the embracing of this idea.  One who seeks to learn and ardently pursues that end cannot help but to acquire knowledge. 

I often write how the journey into BDSM is a journey within.  If you truly desire mastery, you will need to get honest with yourself about how well you have mastered your own life.  One area that is critical is emotional mastery.  People who cannot control their emotions are dangerous.  This is magnified when we are in a lifestyle where someone else is vulnerable to attack (either physical or psychological) from that said person.  Emotional stability is one of the main areas where masters are different from dominants.  One can make rational decisions in the face of emotional upheaval whereas the other simply allow his/her emotions to dictate the outcome.  Emotional mastery is something that I stress for all people.  This is a process that will take years to accomplish so it is best to start immediately.  Fear, anger, resentment, and anguish are present for all humans.  Masters will know how to deal with these things in an effective manner where someone else is not harmed by words or actions.  If not, crossing the line into abuse is very easy.  And this is not good for anyone involved.

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Abuse 102

 I wrote the other day how BDSM is a lifestyle that is based upon consent.  This is a crucial part of our foundation and ignoring it is what transcends one from BDSM participant to abuser.  Simply put, there is no reason to cross the line by forcing anyone to do anything which is not consensual

Rape

Rape is something that we are all taught about growing up.  We are shown how it is wrong to violate another person in this manner.  While many believe that rape is a sexual act, it is not.  Rape is an act of violence.  And the motive is not sexual as much as it is about power.  This is an act with the sole intent of taking control over another person.  There is a power separation between the rapist and the victim.  Obviously, just to state the obvious, this is a non-consensual act.

Being an act about power, it is interesting how this interacts in the BDSM world; one which intentionally establishes interactions based upon non-parity of power.  Many in the BDSM world seem to think that a submissive is to consent to anyone who claims to be dominant.  While I will agree that matters of respect could be important, it is foolish to believe that one is going to submit to all who are dominant.  That is as ridiculous as someone who is married being married to everyone.  It makes no sense.

Therefore, when a submissive (female in this example), puts herself in a situation where she is at risk of being violated, it is fully within her right to say "no".  And, a dominant is responsible for acknowledging and adhering to this desire.  Simply because one agrees to a scene that does not mean she agrees to being penetrated.  Imprint this point on your mind.  Non-consensual penetration is rape no matter what the circumstances.

Respect

Respect is a two-way street.  It is ironic to see dominants demand respect from submissives yet do not behave according themselves.  To start, it is another asinine idea to believe that one can demand respect.  Respect is earned.  (Also imprint this idea in your feeble minds).  Simply claiming to be dominant does not mean that you are worthy of respect.  An asshole is still an asshole, dominant or not. 

Part of the problem is that too many dominant pretenders think that submissives are beneath them and that, somehow, they are better than the submissives.  Wrong.  One is not better than the other; they are different.  It is like two sides are needed to complete a coin.  Is heads better than tails?  No.  They simply are two halves of the whole.  Dominants and submissives follow this same pattern.  If you do not believe me, try to dominate without a submissive.  It is not possible. 

This fallacy of a mindset bleeds over into the interaction with submissive types especially in public play sessions.  Most women who put themselves in this position were non-consensually groped, fingered, and even penetrated.  They agreed to be tied up and engage in impact play yet the other person in the scene, or others around, decided to take it a bit further.  Now let me ask you, do you think because a woman agrees to be tied up and whipped, that she is automatically agreeing to you, a stranger, walking by and fingering her?  Or, if you are involved in a scene, and the terms were agreed to not have sex, what makes you think it is your place to pull our your member and stick it in her?  At what level do you think this is respectful?  All of this is abuse no matter who anyone tries to frame it.

There truth is there are too many who believe it is their right to cross the line and enter into the abuse phase.  They use BDSM as a guise to behave in predatory ways which are easily distinguished in the traditional realm.  However, there is so much misinformation out there that people are unable to distinguish this within the BDSM community.  Of course, it is also the responsibility of the community to pass along the proper message.  Rape, no matter what the circumstances, is still rape.

DN

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So You Want To Be Treated Like A Dog?

I know many of you will think this an odd title for a blog post. However, I want to make a point about the different aspects of BDSM and how it all can fit together. We need to be clear that there are many ways to approach the lifestyle and there is not a cookie cutter method. Also, a lack of tolerance, something that most of us proclaim does not exist in the traditional world, is ever present in BDSM.

One Size Does Not Fit All

BDSM is a wide and varied lifestyle.  We have many who operate at the moderate end of the spectrum while others prefer to live more extreme.  Contained within are also numberous fetishes, some of which are far removed from mainstream.  Basically, no matter what someone's preference, there will be someone else who likes that identical thing.  Unlike the traditional (or vanilla) world where one is an outcast and often a loner in his/her desires, in BDSM, that person will find people to share the experiences with.  It is only a matter of putting in the time and dedication to uncover those people.

Often people come to me and ask me how to go about getting involved in BDSM.  I have to laugh because that is like asking how to get married.  Certainly, there is a common method or approach, but that does not mean it will work in every instance.  Just consider the ways that people go about and meet their boyfriend/girlfriend.  There is online dating.  Chance meetings in the supermarket.  Friends set people up all the time.  Work is a place that many people happen upon a date.  The point is there is not one particular method that is utilized.

At the same time, marriages are varied.  Again, most opt for a "normal" structure but there are those who stray from what is common.  There are those who prefer open marriages.  In some societies, more than one marriage is acceptable.  Some marriages lead to procreation and the raising of children while others do not.  Many have intense sexual relations whereas some fit into the "Dead fish" category.

BDSM is the same way.  There is no "one size fits all" method.  As mentioned, it is a varied lifestyle, therefore, it is made up of people who are also just as complex.  People like different things and BDSM offers whatever is chosen up.  So, if you want to be treated and live as a dog, that is possible.  At the same time, so is living as a furry, in tpe, utilizing some light bondage to enhance your sex life, or in a world of latex.  It is up to each individual to determine where his or her desired exist and follow that path.

Intolerance

It is sad to say that many, if not most, in the BDSM world are just as intolerant as those people in the traditional realm.  We see just as much judging and degrading (not the erotic kind either) as anywhere else.  While I will admit that people can have wrong ideas in the areas of terminology and some of the concepts, when it comes to desires, that is a personal choice.  And just because it is not to one person's liking, that does not mean that someone else should not pursue it.  BDSM gives on the freedom to live as he or she sees fit.  The people involved in the lifestyle ought to have the same outlook.

A prime example that comes to mind are those people who seek out BDSM only as a means of enhancing their sex lives.  Many who are of this ilk are enticed by the idea of some bondage and, perhaps, light spanking.  To them, BDSM is nothing more than a sex aid.  Of course, this gets many who are "true lifestyle people" up in arms.  They take the approach that these are somehow degrading the lifestyle by not taking it seriously.  This is a prime example of the intolerance that exists.

We see this in many facets of this world.  Slaves are intolerant of the behavior of slave and vice versa.  Domestic slaves are looked down upon simply because they do not provide full service.  We can say the same thing about those who want to be sex slaves (although if they really thought about what a true sex slave is around the world, it is something they would not opt for).  As I said, certain fetishes and, thus, those interested are put down because they are weird or gross.  Whatever someone's desire is, there is someone else ready to degrade that choice or approach.

Personally, I do not really care what people are into.  It is their lives.  I see a lot with all kinds of misinformation about BDSM and do my best to convey the proper ideas.  However, there are many aspects of this lifestyle that I do not care for nor participate in.  That being said, I try not to attack people for their choices.  One reason is because I found throughout the years that my interests do change.  Just because I am not into something today does not mean that next year it will not hold my attention.  I witnessed this with many new people who immediately shut off an idea such as pain only to end up as a total pain lovers.  Of course, there are many things which I find gross and opt not to be a part of.  Nevertheless, those that like that sort of thing are entitled to their fetish.

Therefore, no matter what you desire, go for it.  As long as it is safe and consensual, if it fills a need within you, then partake in that activity.  It is up to you to determine how you want to live your life.  Other people will always have their opinions yet that is true no matter where you go.  And, if you are one in the BDSM community, try to be more accepting of other people's BDSM choices.  Remember, not everyone is going to live the life like you do.  We are each individuals.

DN

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Abuse 101

I decided to dedicate the next few posts to the subject of abuse.  This is something that is moving to the forefront with a few cases which gained widespread exposure.  Also, BDSM is getting more publicity with the success of 50 Shades and other books which hit the mainstream.  The problem with this is that an entirely new class of people are arriving, many who have absolutely no idea what BDSM is all about.  And, in my view, opens up the door to abuse.

Consent

Any discussion of abuse starts out with the fundamental premise that this lifestyle is based upon consent.  This is something that all need to remember at all times.  Without consent, one is crossing the line into abuse.  It is that simple.  An abuser is one who has a position of power and uses that to an ill-suited end.  While the abuser might be happy with the outcome, the other person is left being in the position of victim.

A person is not victimized simply because he or she is submissive.  Ceding control over to another is a choice that one makes within the lifestyle.  It is a conscious choice.  However, we know there are many times when control is taken.  Again, here we enter into the realm of abuse.  Victims of rape or sexual abuse found themselves in this position.  They were not given a choice in the matter and the power, over the body, was taken by another.  The desires of another were forced into the situation without concerns for the victim's intentions.

Consensual Non-Consent

Another area that will certainly confuse many is the idea of consensual non-consent.  This is basically where the person's is consenting to be forced to adhere to the wishes.  While this will appear to be abuse to many outsiders, it is a logical progression within this way of life.  Let me explain.

Consensual non-consent normally takes place within the confines of a relationship.  This is far different from a scene or a "play based" activities.  It also exists are the more extreme end of the lifestyle where people opt for a structure based upon a total exchange of power.  The entry into that situation is consensual, hence the person opts for it.  However, the day-to-day interactions are established upon the foundation of no choice.  All power resides in the hands of one party.  Of course, it is up to that person not to move the scenario into the stage of abuse by being responsible.  With control comes responsibility; a point many seem to miss.

A crucial factor in this arrangement is the idea of safety.  Anyone who is given that much power needs to focus on proceeding safely at all times.  This not only includes physical safety, but also mental, emotional, psychological, and anything else which could cause undue harm.  Therefore, activities which threaten the freedom of another, i.e. illegal, are to be avoided since they have consequences.  While a Master could tell his/her slave to sell crack, that is an abuse of power.  Engaging in something like that will most likely have adverse effects on the slave's life.

These are just a few of the ideas we will touch upon over the next few articles.  I am a bit proponent of safety first and there seems like no better time than now to cover it.

DN

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Dedication To The Lifestyle

This is a topic I discussed in the past but feel it worthy to revisit it since i feel it is imperative for people to understand.  Sadly, this seems like a topic that is overlooked in the BDSM community.  This results in a great deal of harm long  term for people.

A Way of Life

We are all aware that BDSM is a way of life.  It is also one that is consciously chosen.  The traditional way of life is forced upon everyone since this is how we are raised.  What is the social norm is taught in the home for the most part.  In the Western cultures, marriage and monogamy are the chosen paths.  People are taught that a relationship is between a man and woman who make the lifelong commitment to each other.  We all know where this concept comes from so I will not go into it here.  The point is that following this path requires no decision.  People who enter this way of life do it unconsciously.  The dogma of "normal" is indoctrinated.  Anything that falls outside this norm is termed "abnormal".

The problem is that many people do fall outside the bounds of what society said should be followed.  For example, there are many people who are homosexual as opposed to heterosexual.  These people do not fit into the ideal of a man and a woman in marriage.  There are also those who are poly or pansexual.  We also see many who prefer the single life.  The point is that many do not fit nicely into the package that society presents.

As you can imagine, the pressure that a person feels to conform is great.  There was a story a couple years ago about a Governor of a state (I believe that was his position) who was married with children only to get busted having an affair...with a man.  He was a homosexual who denied this vital part of himself.  And why do you think he did that?  Because being a homosexual did not fit into the societal norm which he was presented.  It was only after the urge was too powerful was that he succumbed to what he is.  His "way of life" could not be denied.  Unfortunately, many were hurt by this delayed decisions.  How much better would things turn out if he was able to accept who he was decades earlier?  A lot of pain could have been avoided.

People who enter into BDSM can identify what is being discussed here.  Most of us felt out of play with the "normies".  Of course, we were obedient programmed beings and followed the path of normalcy.  Ultimately, our results were no better than what was mentioned.  We ended up unfulfilled even if in loving relationships.  Equal power marriages, something we were told is the answer, only left us longing.  Divorce or multiple ones ensued.  This started our search for something different.  Upon finding BDSM, we knew we had struck gold.  This was the answer.

Commitment to the Lifestyle

People understand the idea of living an "alternative" life.  However, what gets me is the approach they take to it.  BDSM is a world where we see many enter and exit.  I guess this is natural and might be present in other non-mainstream paths.  The initial attraction strikes a core with people but after the luster wears off, the realize that there is still life to deal with.  Hence the word LIFEstyle.  I feel many come to BDSM seeking an escape which is a failing method since we cannot forgo life.  This leaves many with great disappointment.

Another factor in the exiting is the fact that people depend upon other people for their lifestyle choice.  This is evidence by the "tire kicker".  This is a person who decides to try BDSM by getting involved with another person.  We see many get into a relationship very quickly only to find that it ends almost as fast.  The problem with this approach is the dependency upon the other person to determine one's commitment to a path.   He or she is the one who will ultimately decide the direction a person's life takes.  Our newcomer does not realize that before one can commit to another, he or she must first commit to the lifestyle.  It is a fundamental concept that few acknowledge.

Getting back to the homosexual, do you think one would have a great chance of finding fulfillment in life if his or her sexual choice was dependent upon the first involvement?  Can you imagine the success rate following this concept?  We all know that most first experiences, not matter what the lifestyle, ends up in breakup.  Few married their first boyfriend or girlfriend.  High school sweethearts tend to drift apart once going to college.  The same holds true for alternative ways of living.  What would happen if everyone who had their first relationship fail turned their back on heterosexual relationships?  I surmise that few weddings would ever occur.  Well, we see this same concept applies to BDSM.  Just like a homosexual does not suddenly go straight if his or her first relationship goes bad, nor should someone in BDSM suddenly leave because things did not work out.  It shows a lack of forethought on the part of the individual.

Committing to the lifestyle means one has searched within oneself what the path to fulfillment is.  For the homosexual, it obviously is being with one of the same sex.  While there might be pitfalls in life and relationships, this person is "dedicated" to being a homosexual.  Same with the heterosexual and vanilla world.  People will suffer setbacks in their relationships yet they do not abandon what is right for them.  People who crave a relationship structure that is built upon inequality need to understand how strong that need is.  To deny that fact just because the first interaction did not work is tragic.  Yet so many create this fate for themselves.

I always suggest to people to uncover what is within you before moving forward with a relationship.  Educating oneself is a wonderful way to start the process.  So is sharing with others who are in the lifestyle longer.  However, the ultimate knowledge vehicle will be the internal search each undergoes.  There are the answers for all of us.  And this is a source which does not end. Just because one has 5 or 10 years (or whatever) in the lifestyle, that does not mean that knowledge can not be gained.  We are constantly evolving people.  Use each interaction as a basis for growth.  Committing to the lifestyle will help one to learn from the first few relationships while not turning one away.  Tragically, this is not the common path.

 DN  

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Honeymoon Period

This is something that everyone is familiar with.  We see it all the time in the vanilla world.  In fact, most of us were guilty of it ourselves or felt it from someone close to us.  What is it?  The dreaded honeymoon period.  This phase of nirvana has lifted more spirits only to see them crashing down.  While natural it is also something to be mindful of.

New Things

Each of us is conditioned to like new things.  This is evidenced by the excitement of youth on Christmas Day.  The countdown begins somewhere around the beginning of December and the anticipation grows the nearer the day draws.  "What am I getting" is the question on the child's mind.  Naturally, when the day arrives, if one is blessed with many gifts, happiness ensues for at least the next 3 to 4 weeks.

While many will scoff at this idea as one of the characteristics of youth, consider how someone behaves when he or she gets a new car.  Driving off the lot is one of the happiest moments.  That new car smell penetrates our senses bringing us to another level.  Like the child on at Christmas all is well.  Our grown up child is going to show all his or her new prize and be the envy of the neighborhood.  Again, like the child, it state last for only a short period of time before wearing off.  Then, instead of a new car, this person is simply stuck with a car payment.

The point is we like new things.  When something is new it is exciting.  It takes us to another level emotionally.  However, everything we have now that is old was once new.  Life is an exercise in maintaining that balance between old and new.  Too much old and life becomes mundane.  Needing everything to consistently be new will often put us in the poor house.  Keep this in mind as we go further.

Relationships and Lifestyle

You are probably asking what does any of this have to do with BDSM?  The idea of old versus new seems not to apply on the surface.  However, when you travel around the Internet, because it is easy to see, you witness this concept in action all the time.  And, often, it is wrought with a great deal of peril.

To start, many enter into a state of nirvana when they start a new relationship.  Again, this is not exclusive to BDSM and is most likely a natural stage to go through.  We did not invent the term "honeymoon period" hence the proof that is existed for a long while.  This stage is just that: a stage.  It is temporary.  Eventually it wears off.  The "newness" of the relationship which was exciting ceases to exist.  Thus, our participants are brought back to reality.  Relationships require work.  We all know that.  However, many seem to believe that a BDSM relationship somehow defies this law of interpersonal activities.  It does not.  After the initial thrust of excitement, a relationship needs to be built upon a sound foundation to survive.

Another area where we see the "honeymoon" concept is when someone first finds this way of life.  We all know the excitement that goes along with finally fitting in somewhere.  Many of us endured great pressure operating in the vanilla lifestyle because of that inner urge for something different.  While it might not have been evident at that time, most of us sensed we belonged elsewhere.  Upon finding the BDSM community, we are relieved to encounter people who understand.  Suddenly, we are not only and have others who can support us.  This is very uplifting.

Nevertheless, prudence is often required, yet rarely exhibited, at this point.  Many will go off the deep end (as they say) with enthusiasm.  After finally fitting in, our new person wants to get into a relationship immediately.  In many instances this is accomplished.  And, it is at this point where we see posts telling us how wonderful this Master (or slave) is and the perfection this person possesses.  Those in the lifestyle more than 6 months will know exactly how misguided this outlook it.  While enthusiasm is a sensational thing in life, one needs to understand the limitations in his or her outlook.

Basically, this person is being hit with a double dose of honeymoonitis.  The fact that he or she just found the lifestyle is enough to send anyone flying head over heels.  However, this person tends to compound the situation by becoming involved with a Master (dom/sub/slave).  Excitement is rapidly increased because nirvana has set in of finally being with someone who is in the ideal lifestyle for him or her.  Life could not be better and a lifelong commitment is made after 3 days (at least in the new person's mind).  Of course, we know how hard this person is going to crash when the realization that everything is not how he or she envisioned.

The honeymoon ends as it always does and in this instance, usually bad.  Since our newbie is struck with a double dose of nirvana, the popping of the balloon is doubly difficult.  Not only is the other person not the ideal God(dess) that he or she envisioned, but the results are the same as the vanilla world: disappointment and pain.  Therefore, this lifestyle must be a farce since it did not deliver the results promised.

Rational people, even if afflicted by this, will come to understand how irrational this thinking is and move beyond it.  While many decide to "leave" the lifestyle, the majority, if rightly suited for it to begin with, stick with it.  Every experience is a lesson.  Over time, one comes to understand that the nirvana was nothing more than a case of "puppy love" that is atypical of most 16 year olds.  Finding the first interpersonal interaction of this magnitude is overwhelming.  The world will center on the other person.  Naturally, there comes a day when this ceases to be the case.  Mature people realize the world is not ending and take steps to move past it.

Be mindful of the honeymoon period.  While it can feel good in the moment, understand it is just a temporary phase.  The sooner one looks past it to see the true nature of things, the better.

DN

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Control One's Emotions

 Over the years I wrote a great deal about emotional control.  This is a topic which applies equally for those who are dominant as for the submissive ones.  It is also something that I feel is paramount in any type of interaction and one of the main reasons why people fail.  Those who lack emotional control tend not to do well.

Grow Up

At a certain point in our lives, we are suppose to grow up.  Childish behavior is reserved for children.  Hence the term is called childish and not adultish behavior.  One who throws a fit in the sandbox is understood because of his/her emotional development.  However, when that activity is undertaken by a grown-up, issues arise.

The truth is there is a lot that occurs in the world which we do not like.  Regular readers of this blog know that the BDSM world is nothing more than a microcosm of life itself.  Joining the BDSM lifestyle does not entitle one to leave the mainstream of life.  We still have all the same problems that existed before we joined this way of life.  Family, relationship, financial, economic, and medical are a few of the areas where we face problems on a regular basis.  Being a participant in a BDSM relationship, as an example, does not exempt one from these things.

When these situations do arise, there is a proper way to handle things and an improper way.  Approaching any problem from an emotional standpoint is rarely a good idea.  Those who tend to lose it emotionally are not able to take sensible action.  Instead of looking at the circumstances, processing the information, and determining the proper course of action, our manchild (or womanchild) simply reacts.  This is no different than the child in the sandbox.

Contempt Prior To Investigation

This is one of my favorite sayings. People, not only in the BDSM arena, are quick to draw conclusions based upon their viewpoints.  It is rare where a person will fully investigate matters to see what the true circumstances are.  Instead, they take their viewpoint as factual and run with it.  This, sprinkled with a whole lot of emotion, creates a situation where one is doing nothing more than lashing out.  Of course, we often find that our view did not entail all the facts and then we are confronted with either holding our (misguided) opinion or backtracking.  Either way, if we would take a step back and let all the facts emerge, things would end a lot different.

The online world is full of examples of this.  One of the great things about the Internet is that anyone with a keyboard and an email address can join a forum and have a voice.  This is also one of the biggest drawbacks to the Internet.  People are not screened for maturity, intention, or ethical makeup.  Anyone who has visited a few of the more well known BDSM sites understands exactly what I am talking about.  The pretenders range from complete trollers to felons and everywhere in between.  Even those who get involved in legitimate interactions are apt to find things going awry for unknown reasons.  And this is where the contempt comes in.

People disappear all the time in the online world.  There are a variety of reasons for it.  However, most people take it personally when someone he or she was interacting with just vanishes.  Certainly, depending upon the depth of the relationship (interaction), this could be a valid view.  Nevertheless, simply jumping to a conclusion without all the facts is dangerous.  Ultimately, one could find out what he or she was thinking is not what really happened.  For instance, if you are dealing with someone in the NYC area at the present moment, or the surrounding areas, that person might not be able to get online these days.  While the damage in that part of the world is a well known fact, the point I am making is there are often valid reasons for things occurring and your viewpoint might not be correct.

Miscommunication is a fundamental flaw in most unsuccessful interactions.  We need to remember this before we simply react to what we perceive to be true.  Anyone who has used any of the technologies like social media realize how easy it is for things to be misinterpreted. It is often best to control oneself until the other person makes it abundantly clear what he or she meant.  Certainly there is every chance you are correct and can blow your top when that is revealed.  However, there is also an equal chance that perhaps you are missing a few of the facts.  Either way, emotionally strong people are able to withstand operating in the stimulus-response mode.  Contempt prior to investigation is a sure sign of a lack of emotional control.

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Dominating All Around You

Most of my posts are aimed at the submissive people in the lifestyle.  However, today, I am going to concentrate upon the dominant aspect of things.  While much of this will refer to the dominants, it is helpful for a submissive to ponder the ideas when seeking out another.  One who has the ability to apply these concepts might well be worth one's time.

  A Character Trait

Domination is not something that a person does.  Instead, it is a character trait that is deep within him or her.  Certainly this will manifest itself in action but it is imperative to realize this idea.  Like any other trait that is coded within us at the physiological level, it is not turned on or off.  No matter what is being undertaken, domination is always a part of this person.

Before moving along, we must take a look at the flip side.  Many people, especially online, feel that since one is dominant, that he or she (usually he in this instance) will be dominant in everything.  Well, life mandates this incorrect.  Anyone who professes to be this way is out of touch with reality and falls into the class of what I term a "pretender".  Everyone submits depending upon the situation.

If you are one who doubts this, let me offer up a few examples.  In the workplace, who is running the show?  Typically, the owner of the company.  It is his/her money do the right to call the shots goes along with this.  Part of the process is usually hiring managers who are entrusted with the authority to make certain decisions.  In their own realm, these people are the ones who have the control.  Now, depending upon where you fall on that scale, unless you are the owner, you have someone to answer to.  Enter into the workplace with your dominant self and tell the owner how you are in control.  I would imagine a pink slip would soon follow.

Another situation that many can identify with is the legal system.  This is an arena where the power structure is built into the physical surroundings.  Enter into a courtroom and you see who is in charge.  That person is termed "Your Honor" and sits above anyone else.  In that realm, the power resides with one person which does not happen to be you.  However, if you feel the need to test it, go head to head with the judge in a power struggle.  Contempt is a term they devised which describes this situation.  Submission is usually the preferred course of action in this setting.

Surroundings

Now that we established that it is impossible to be dominant in every situation, let us consider how one applies this characteristic in life.  As mentioned, domination is a trait that is resident within a person.   The way this emerges is through the actions one takes.  However, it is interesting to witness how applicable, or not, this really is.

Many seem to claim to be dominant and exemplify that when they enter into a relationship.  These individuals will lead you to believe that they are perfectly at home when ordering someone around.  Actually, this might be a truthful statement.  Being bossy is something these types can excel at.  Yet, this is not domination.  There is a lot more to being a success Dom/Master than just issuing orders.  Those who fail to realize this are not long for this lifestyle.

I often tell people to look at how one lives his or her life to determine exactly the level of domination this person has.  As you can guess, one who is truly dominant will have physical examples of this.  I often state that before one can control another, he must first control himself.  Seek out those areas which will under a lack of control on that person's part.  If you find this to be the case, you might want to reconsider your interaction with this person.

As a dominant person, I strive to take control over all areas of my life.  Physically I put the time in to create the best body I can.  Part of this quest is to remove the vices from my life that are harmful to my physically.  While I like cake just as much as the next person, I realize how counterproductive it is for me to put that in my mouth.  Financially is another area that I feel is crucial.  Through the gaining of knowledge, I developed different ways to enhance my income.  While the quest is not over, I am able to weather certain financial setbacks better than many because I do not overspend nor put myself in debt with things such as car payments and credit cards.  Finally, I monitor my emotional state.  Again, I will admit that I am not perfect, being apt to fall into a funk like everyone else.  However, overall, I try to determine my emotional state by being conscious of what I focus upon and how I process the events in my life.  Fear is something that can wreak havoc with one emotionally and learning to deal with this is paramount to growth (for those who want to claim they are never scared, the truth is every human experiences fear).

These are just a few of the areas that I seek to control.  A true dominant will exert that influence wherever he or she is able while understanding there are certain times where a subservient approach is the best (see Your Honor above).  Domination is not something that is done once in a while but in every action.  And, for those who really understand, life is nothing more than a series of actions.  Thus, there are times where the most dominating thing I can do is to excel at doing the dishes or whatever chore is in front of me.  Mastery over the minor activities in life will lead to mastery at higher levels.  This is the level to focus your attention upon. 

DH

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Strength

"Only the strong survive" -Jerry Butler

Many view the BDSM world differently than the traditional world.  Those who regularly read my blog understand how I often draw on the comparisons to mainstream life to analogize what we do in the BDSM arena.  Overall, life is still life yet a great number approach it like something foreign.  It need not be this way.  Most of what you learned growing up and throughout your adult years applies to BDSM.  The only difference is how we structure things.

Misconception

Many operate from the misconception that there is an inequality in terms of strength.  Power exchange is exactly what it states: an exchange of power which results in an inequality amongst the participants in an interaction (or relationship).  The fact that power resides heavily or exclusively with one person does not directly reflect anything about strength.  Strength is something that should reside within each person.  Sadly, too often, it is not.

Newer people will believe that since the power lies with the dominant one, that the strength is also present.  Those of us who are around this way of life know how untrue this could be.  There are many dominants who were ceded power but were weaker than the slightest twig on a branch.  They were no more able to handle this responsibility than the man on the moon.  It takes great strength to responsibility assume control of another person's life.  This idea, in spite of all the misleading, is fairly well understood.

However, one idea that surpasses most people is that the submissive needs to be equally strong.  Just because someone is handing power over, that does not equate to weakness.  On the contrary, to properly cede control requires a tremendous amount of strength.  If you do not believe me, try to do it for even a part of the day.  Most people find that when the situation does not mandate it, they have a difficult time doing this.  The reason is because strength is required. 

Weak People Are Prey

Many of us witnessed the train wreck that many people are when the first enter into the lifestyle.  As was mentioned above, most seem to think that the common sense ideas that wee instilled throughout life somehow do not apply.  This type of thinking makes one vulnerable to the predatory forces which exist within this community (and most others).  If one does not have the knowledge and strength to sensibly approach this way of life, failure, or worse, is certain to ensue.

Relationships, even power exchange, are a two way street.  Both parties are responsible for giving if the relationship is to be successful.  It can not be a one-sided affair.  A dominant is responsible for the direction of the relationship and making the decisions where necessary.  As stated, this requires the willingness and the inner gumption to want this.  It is uncanny how many people want power without responsibility.  The two go hand in hand.

At the same time, a submissive also needs to be strong.  The best way I can describe this is that she is able to stand on her own without another.  People who are completely dependent upon another are unhealthy.  When involved in a relationship, a person of this ilk becomes an albatross.  While many think that BDSM is the solution to their relationship woes, they find that they meet the same end.  Inner strength is needed for relationship success.  When one operates from a complete point of weakness, he or she becomes a burden to the other.  Ultimately, this gets tiresome for the person who is carrying the relationship.

There are times where everyone is weak and needs help being picked up.  Life is a bastard in that it will slap us senseless at times.  However, there is a big difference between moments of weakness and residing in that state perpetually.  Before entering a relationship, BDSM or otherwise, a weak person needs to work on strengthening him or herself.  This includes being able to manage one's life, emotional state, fear, and financial affairs.  Self improvement is a quest everyone should be on.

Strength is the only way to protect oneself.  Those who are weak get swallowed up.  Life is a series of tests which, if undertaken, will build up one's resolve.  Whether dominant or submissive, each needs to have something to give to the relationship.  "Carrying" the other person all the time is not a pathway to success.  A one-sided affair of this magnitude will ultimately destruct.  Take every precaution to ensure you are not the one dragging the interaction down.  Instead of looking outward for the answers, delve inward.

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Tempering Excitement

It is human nature to get excited about something new.  Most of us know the feeling of anticipation to Christmas morning and all the new gifts that we will receive.  The question of whether Santa will be good to us or not is on our minds for weeks.  Ultimately, the day arrives when we find out what is under the tree.

Adult World

When we enter adulthood, the maturation process takes away from these childhood antics.  To start, our expectations grow.  No longer is a bicycle enough to send us into emotional nirvana.  Instead, an acquisition such as a car is required to result in the same emotional state.  This is only true, of course, if we are not stuck with the car payments.

Another part of maturity is the day we finally understand that Santa Claus does not exist.  In the world of childhood fantasy, it is easy to believe in the idea of "something for nothing".  Sadly, in the real world of adulthood, we know this is not realistic.  Everything comes with a price.  We have to invest before receiving an ultimate payoff.  Often, the price of admission is financial.  Other times we see our investment to include the thing we call time.  Either way, effort on our part needs to occur for us to see the results.

Emotional Control

Part of being an adult is attaining the ability to control our emotions.  Those who lack this skill tend to fare poor in our world.  Understanding that everyone is not going to cater to our every whim is something many of us realize during our schooling years.  Every person has a degree of self-centeredness but adults know that has to be tempered.  Compromise is part of life.  Many times. the compromise is nothing more than us accepting what we are told to do.  Our working careers are usually an example of this.  A person always has the choice to hem and haw about the situation.  However, rarely does it ever change anything.

Relationships are another area where we see this same idea.  Even in the BDSM world, where one is dominant and the other submissive, there is a give/take scenario that occurs.  People are human.  There are certain needs which have to be met within each of us.  If these things are overlooked, a person will not be fulfilled.  This will lead to a host of other obstacles within that relationship if not addressed.  Emotionally, one cannot enter in with the mindset of me, me, me.  This might come as a surprise to some dominants out there who mistakenly believe it is all about them.  Healthy relationships are always a two-way street.

Balance

Excitement is a wonderful thing.  Everyone likes the thrill of emotionally looking forward to something.  As was mentioned, anything new that we like tends to have a higher degree of emotional payoff for us.  This is natural.  However, mature adults realize this needs to be balanced with good ole fashioned common sense.  Those who get too excited without being able to reign in the emotions are apt to put themselves in dangerous situations.

In the BDSM world, this is most commonly seen among newer people who are just finding this lifestyle.  While we all know the enthusiasm which is felt when one finally "comes home", it is a prime example where common sense and tempering are required.  Like anywhere else, the BDSM arena is wrought with dangers and pitfalls of which a person needs to be mighty careful to avoid.  Sadly, we are not able to avert them all but minimizing the impact is crucial.

New people have the idea that they want to rush headlong into this way of life.  Commonly one wants to go from vanilla to full BDSM in a matter of weeks.  For some reason, the notion that relationships take time to develop is erased completely.  Our new person is focused solely on "riding the bicycle" that was found under the tree.  The fact that it is not even assembled is of little concern.  The excitement is too great to stand back.

Vulnerability

It is at this point we see one's vulnerability on full display.  If one is not emotional controlled, he or she is apt to be manipulated.  There are hundreds of stories posted about BDSM "relationships" which were nothing more than predatory conquests by someone who had unethical intentions.  A lack of common sense due to emotional exuberance puts one in such a position.  Often the person is hurt and the hope that it is only emotional pain that one needs to experience.  Sadly, we see people also suffer physically or financially.

Another area where one is vulnerable is with the person he or she is dealing with.  One of the most difficult things is to see the reality of any situation when we have emotional investment.  When something is new and we are operating from that nirvana, we are likely to magnify only that which fits that model.  We see this quite regularly in posting of people with a new Master, as an example, and how wonderful he is.  Reading these makes me wonder if the 2nd coming is before us.  I think we might have found that which they say was prophesied so long ago.  This Master most definitely is capable of miracles.  Wonderful is quite simply an understand.  The excitement for this person is spewing for every word that is written from our new person.

Ultimately, we know this person is going to experience a rude awakening.  The truth is that nobody can fulfill these expectations.  Our person is overwhelmed with the excitement, usually of just the experience of BDSM, that she losses all sense of balance.  Emotion control left and that childhood fascination took over.  While this is not a problem on many levels, when it makes us blind to the potential harm that is possible, then it should be of concern. 

Vulnerability is something we all have and can be safe when in trusted hands.  However, judging the person who is entrusted with that is not possible when we have the "excitement goggles" on.  Be mindful of this the next time you are apt to go head over heels.


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