November 10, 2012

Honeymoon Period

This is something that everyone is familiar with.  We see it all the time in the vanilla world.  In fact, most of us were guilty of it ourselves or felt it from someone close to us.  What is it?  The dreaded honeymoon period.  This phase of nirvana has lifted more spirits only to see them crashing down.  While natural it is also something to be mindful of.

New Things

Each of us is conditioned to like new things.  This is evidenced by the excitement of youth on Christmas Day.  The countdown begins somewhere around the beginning of December and the anticipation grows the nearer the day draws.  "What am I getting" is the question on the child's mind.  Naturally, when the day arrives, if one is blessed with many gifts, happiness ensues for at least the next 3 to 4 weeks.

While many will scoff at this idea as one of the characteristics of youth, consider how someone behaves when he or she gets a new car.  Driving off the lot is one of the happiest moments.  That new car smell penetrates our senses bringing us to another level.  Like the child on at Christmas all is well.  Our grown up child is going to show all his or her new prize and be the envy of the neighborhood.  Again, like the child, it state last for only a short period of time before wearing off.  Then, instead of a new car, this person is simply stuck with a car payment.

The point is we like new things.  When something is new it is exciting.  It takes us to another level emotionally.  However, everything we have now that is old was once new.  Life is an exercise in maintaining that balance between old and new.  Too much old and life becomes mundane.  Needing everything to consistently be new will often put us in the poor house.  Keep this in mind as we go further.

Relationships and Lifestyle

You are probably asking what does any of this have to do with BDSM?  The idea of old versus new seems not to apply on the surface.  However, when you travel around the Internet, because it is easy to see, you witness this concept in action all the time.  And, often, it is wrought with a great deal of peril.

To start, many enter into a state of nirvana when they start a new relationship.  Again, this is not exclusive to BDSM and is most likely a natural stage to go through.  We did not invent the term "honeymoon period" hence the proof that is existed for a long while.  This stage is just that: a stage.  It is temporary.  Eventually it wears off.  The "newness" of the relationship which was exciting ceases to exist.  Thus, our participants are brought back to reality.  Relationships require work.  We all know that.  However, many seem to believe that a BDSM relationship somehow defies this law of interpersonal activities.  It does not.  After the initial thrust of excitement, a relationship needs to be built upon a sound foundation to survive.

Another area where we see the "honeymoon" concept is when someone first finds this way of life.  We all know the excitement that goes along with finally fitting in somewhere.  Many of us endured great pressure operating in the vanilla lifestyle because of that inner urge for something different.  While it might not have been evident at that time, most of us sensed we belonged elsewhere.  Upon finding the BDSM community, we are relieved to encounter people who understand.  Suddenly, we are not only and have others who can support us.  This is very uplifting.

Nevertheless, prudence is often required, yet rarely exhibited, at this point.  Many will go off the deep end (as they say) with enthusiasm.  After finally fitting in, our new person wants to get into a relationship immediately.  In many instances this is accomplished.  And, it is at this point where we see posts telling us how wonderful this Master (or slave) is and the perfection this person possesses.  Those in the lifestyle more than 6 months will know exactly how misguided this outlook it.  While enthusiasm is a sensational thing in life, one needs to understand the limitations in his or her outlook.

Basically, this person is being hit with a double dose of honeymoonitis.  The fact that he or she just found the lifestyle is enough to send anyone flying head over heels.  However, this person tends to compound the situation by becoming involved with a Master (dom/sub/slave).  Excitement is rapidly increased because nirvana has set in of finally being with someone who is in the ideal lifestyle for him or her.  Life could not be better and a lifelong commitment is made after 3 days (at least in the new person's mind).  Of course, we know how hard this person is going to crash when the realization that everything is not how he or she envisioned.

The honeymoon ends as it always does and in this instance, usually bad.  Since our newbie is struck with a double dose of nirvana, the popping of the balloon is doubly difficult.  Not only is the other person not the ideal God(dess) that he or she envisioned, but the results are the same as the vanilla world: disappointment and pain.  Therefore, this lifestyle must be a farce since it did not deliver the results promised.

Rational people, even if afflicted by this, will come to understand how irrational this thinking is and move beyond it.  While many decide to "leave" the lifestyle, the majority, if rightly suited for it to begin with, stick with it.  Every experience is a lesson.  Over time, one comes to understand that the nirvana was nothing more than a case of "puppy love" that is atypical of most 16 year olds.  Finding the first interpersonal interaction of this magnitude is overwhelming.  The world will center on the other person.  Naturally, there comes a day when this ceases to be the case.  Mature people realize the world is not ending and take steps to move past it.

Be mindful of the honeymoon period.  While it can feel good in the moment, understand it is just a temporary phase.  The sooner one looks past it to see the true nature of things, the better.


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