November 29, 2012

Abuse 102

 I wrote the other day how BDSM is a lifestyle that is based upon consent.  This is a crucial part of our foundation and ignoring it is what transcends one from BDSM participant to abuser.  Simply put, there is no reason to cross the line by forcing anyone to do anything which is not consensual


Rape is something that we are all taught about growing up.  We are shown how it is wrong to violate another person in this manner.  While many believe that rape is a sexual act, it is not.  Rape is an act of violence.  And the motive is not sexual as much as it is about power.  This is an act with the sole intent of taking control over another person.  There is a power separation between the rapist and the victim.  Obviously, just to state the obvious, this is a non-consensual act.

Being an act about power, it is interesting how this interacts in the BDSM world; one which intentionally establishes interactions based upon non-parity of power.  Many in the BDSM world seem to think that a submissive is to consent to anyone who claims to be dominant.  While I will agree that matters of respect could be important, it is foolish to believe that one is going to submit to all who are dominant.  That is as ridiculous as someone who is married being married to everyone.  It makes no sense.

Therefore, when a submissive (female in this example), puts herself in a situation where she is at risk of being violated, it is fully within her right to say "no".  And, a dominant is responsible for acknowledging and adhering to this desire.  Simply because one agrees to a scene that does not mean she agrees to being penetrated.  Imprint this point on your mind.  Non-consensual penetration is rape no matter what the circumstances.


Respect is a two-way street.  It is ironic to see dominants demand respect from submissives yet do not behave according themselves.  To start, it is another asinine idea to believe that one can demand respect.  Respect is earned.  (Also imprint this idea in your feeble minds).  Simply claiming to be dominant does not mean that you are worthy of respect.  An asshole is still an asshole, dominant or not. 

Part of the problem is that too many dominant pretenders think that submissives are beneath them and that, somehow, they are better than the submissives.  Wrong.  One is not better than the other; they are different.  It is like two sides are needed to complete a coin.  Is heads better than tails?  No.  They simply are two halves of the whole.  Dominants and submissives follow this same pattern.  If you do not believe me, try to dominate without a submissive.  It is not possible. 

This fallacy of a mindset bleeds over into the interaction with submissive types especially in public play sessions.  Most women who put themselves in this position were non-consensually groped, fingered, and even penetrated.  They agreed to be tied up and engage in impact play yet the other person in the scene, or others around, decided to take it a bit further.  Now let me ask you, do you think because a woman agrees to be tied up and whipped, that she is automatically agreeing to you, a stranger, walking by and fingering her?  Or, if you are involved in a scene, and the terms were agreed to not have sex, what makes you think it is your place to pull our your member and stick it in her?  At what level do you think this is respectful?  All of this is abuse no matter who anyone tries to frame it.

There truth is there are too many who believe it is their right to cross the line and enter into the abuse phase.  They use BDSM as a guise to behave in predatory ways which are easily distinguished in the traditional realm.  However, there is so much misinformation out there that people are unable to distinguish this within the BDSM community.  Of course, it is also the responsibility of the community to pass along the proper message.  Rape, no matter what the circumstances, is still rape.


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