November 6, 2012

Control One's Emotions

 Over the years I wrote a great deal about emotional control.  This is a topic which applies equally for those who are dominant as for the submissive ones.  It is also something that I feel is paramount in any type of interaction and one of the main reasons why people fail.  Those who lack emotional control tend not to do well.

Grow Up

At a certain point in our lives, we are suppose to grow up.  Childish behavior is reserved for children.  Hence the term is called childish and not adultish behavior.  One who throws a fit in the sandbox is understood because of his/her emotional development.  However, when that activity is undertaken by a grown-up, issues arise.

The truth is there is a lot that occurs in the world which we do not like.  Regular readers of this blog know that the BDSM world is nothing more than a microcosm of life itself.  Joining the BDSM lifestyle does not entitle one to leave the mainstream of life.  We still have all the same problems that existed before we joined this way of life.  Family, relationship, financial, economic, and medical are a few of the areas where we face problems on a regular basis.  Being a participant in a BDSM relationship, as an example, does not exempt one from these things.

When these situations do arise, there is a proper way to handle things and an improper way.  Approaching any problem from an emotional standpoint is rarely a good idea.  Those who tend to lose it emotionally are not able to take sensible action.  Instead of looking at the circumstances, processing the information, and determining the proper course of action, our manchild (or womanchild) simply reacts.  This is no different than the child in the sandbox.

Contempt Prior To Investigation

This is one of my favorite sayings. People, not only in the BDSM arena, are quick to draw conclusions based upon their viewpoints.  It is rare where a person will fully investigate matters to see what the true circumstances are.  Instead, they take their viewpoint as factual and run with it.  This, sprinkled with a whole lot of emotion, creates a situation where one is doing nothing more than lashing out.  Of course, we often find that our view did not entail all the facts and then we are confronted with either holding our (misguided) opinion or backtracking.  Either way, if we would take a step back and let all the facts emerge, things would end a lot different.

The online world is full of examples of this.  One of the great things about the Internet is that anyone with a keyboard and an email address can join a forum and have a voice.  This is also one of the biggest drawbacks to the Internet.  People are not screened for maturity, intention, or ethical makeup.  Anyone who has visited a few of the more well known BDSM sites understands exactly what I am talking about.  The pretenders range from complete trollers to felons and everywhere in between.  Even those who get involved in legitimate interactions are apt to find things going awry for unknown reasons.  And this is where the contempt comes in.

People disappear all the time in the online world.  There are a variety of reasons for it.  However, most people take it personally when someone he or she was interacting with just vanishes.  Certainly, depending upon the depth of the relationship (interaction), this could be a valid view.  Nevertheless, simply jumping to a conclusion without all the facts is dangerous.  Ultimately, one could find out what he or she was thinking is not what really happened.  For instance, if you are dealing with someone in the NYC area at the present moment, or the surrounding areas, that person might not be able to get online these days.  While the damage in that part of the world is a well known fact, the point I am making is there are often valid reasons for things occurring and your viewpoint might not be correct.

Miscommunication is a fundamental flaw in most unsuccessful interactions.  We need to remember this before we simply react to what we perceive to be true.  Anyone who has used any of the technologies like social media realize how easy it is for things to be misinterpreted. It is often best to control oneself until the other person makes it abundantly clear what he or she meant.  Certainly there is every chance you are correct and can blow your top when that is revealed.  However, there is also an equal chance that perhaps you are missing a few of the facts.  Either way, emotionally strong people are able to withstand operating in the stimulus-response mode.  Contempt prior to investigation is a sure sign of a lack of emotional control.

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