Domination: Taking Responsibility

Responsibility is something that many in society talk about. We are taught that one is to be responsible. For example, males are taught they are to work hard and be good providers for the family. One is suppose to take care of those who are dependent upon him (her). We are told this is what 'responsible people do'.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with this viewpoint. Society would be better off if more had this outlook. My observation is that we are going in the opposite direction. Overall, I sense the 'blame game' is more prominent than personal responsibility. Everyone has an alibi and is quick to put it to use. While not wanting to turn this post into a political rant, it is safe to say some of the industrious values of yesteryear were replaced.

BDSM: Contrary to Society

Much of my writing focuses attention on the fact that those who live the BDSM lifestyle need to have a mindset that differs tremendously from the average person. We walk a path that adopts outlooks which are not taught in the traditional world. Instead, we are programmed to obey the overriding social mores that are presented to us. Those who break free and enter this way of life, to some degree, cease thinking in the traditional terms.

Regardless of what the general consensus of society regarding responsibility, the fact is that those who enter the BDSM lifestyle must be willing to accept this on every level. This is especially true of those have the dominant quality about them. I see so many who proclaim to be 'Masters' yet are completely ill-equipped to serve in this role. As opposed to be responsible, they fall into the normal mindset of 'it isn't my fault'.

Therefore, for those who seek to live according to the principles of BDSM, it is imperative to adopt an outlook that is contrary to the view of society at large. Responsibility is just on of those areas.

Domination: All Your Fault

One of the toughest lessons I learned (and continue to learn) is that everything is my fault. I am the one who is solely responsible for the events in my life. This includes what occurs within my household. While the tendency to place blame stills exists, it is something that I work on daily. However, the one advantage is today, even when I do not want to, I know that all consequences lay at my feet.

Being a victim is not in the makeup of a dominant. If you are one who falls into this habit, then I suggest you re-evaluate your choice. The truth is that those who are successful at being Masters within this lifestyle are those who take responsibility.

When one owns another, the responsibility for growth and direction lies with the Master. This is something that most welcome. However, things seem to take on a different twist when they go awry. Then, the blaming tendency starts.

A slave is trained to be obedient. That is what a worthy slave seeks. It is a quality that is imperative to the M/s and D/s dynamic. Of course, this is not to be mistaken for weakness. Obedience does not amount to a person being weak. On the contrary, it is actually a sign of strength.

Strength must be met with strength. If not, the relationship will fall apart. I cannot tell you the number of times I witnessed a slave 'surpass' the Master in ability. In short, she grew; he did not. A dominant person needs to dedicate him or herself to this growth. And, for me, it starts with owning up to what occurs. As Teddy Roosevelt said, "the buck stops here".

If a slave makes a mistake, it is up to a Master to correct that. By the same token, if she is lost, it is up to him to help her find her path. Whatever happens, a dominant needs to stand up and know that all is done at his directive. When things do not work out as anticipated as they invariably do, then it is his fault. And, he is the one who needs to ensure corrective action is taken. Anyone who wants to place the blame on the slave is not worthy of being called a Master. Ultimately, unlike the self titled people on line, this is something that is earned. Be responsible and you are on the path to earning it.

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Understanding A Submissive

Many dominants enter the lifestyle believing that they naturally know what a submissive needs. This is an obtuse outlook which creates a dangerous situation. The truth is the only way one can know who to truly dominate is to understand what a submissive goes through. This is something that is difficult unless one truly can experience it.

A View From The Other Side

Does this mean that every dominant should serve as a submissive for a period of time? No, although that might not be a bad idea of many. In fact, yesterday, I was chatting with a friend of mine who was trained many years ago according to the 'Old Guard' protocol. He said that he was 'treated' to the non dominant end of a crop more than once. This experience showed him the value of truly being able to understand what a submissive goes through.

While that method of training has changed over the years, the concept still holds a great deal of merit (I am not saying the old training doesnt but that is a different matter). One needs to be able to place oneself in a submissive's place at a deep level to truly dominate. Having this opposing view will enable one to control and lead with greater success.

For example, do you realize how difficult it is to trust to the degree whereby you are literally handing over your life to another person? Is this something that you could do as an adult considering all the 'baggage' we all carry with us? Consider this idea for a moment and perhaps you will understand why it is difficult for a person who is new to you to hand it all over immediately.

My Situation

I have shared in a number of posts how I was trained by a slave. My story is one where I got into a relationship (vanilla) with a girl who was previously a slave. As with many, her desire to be owned did not wane after leaving a multiple year relationship. Of course, as luck would have it, I was next in line.

Before going any further, I need to explain some of the dynamics. At the time we were living in a small town on the east coast of Florida. This is the later part of the 1990s, so the Internet was just getting a foothold. At that time, the majority of people were not online since that mode of communication still had not penetrated the masses. Therefore, the BDSM culture, at least in our world, was still underground.

The reason I mention this is to illustrate the fact that it was difficult to come across lifestyle people. This is one reason why this woman put the time and effort into me. She found someone with a natural quality of domination and began working on the education and training process. Over the next few years, I was to learn what a female slave wanted. And, for all you newbies out there, trust me when I tell you that a beating and screwing are not at the top of the list. A true slave desires so much more than that. Also, make a note that fear is a terrible way to control. That is a tactic anyone can use.

Psychological Domination

The ability to understand the other person is what allows one to take control. This is true in all aspects of life. "Understand your enemy and you can defeat him" is the adage from war. Naturally, we are not trying to defeat a sub or slave, but delving into his/her psychological needs is crucial.

Online, I see so many who make the statement about getting control of the heart and you can control all. Unfortunately for those who buy into this, I found it to be not true. My experience is that if you can penetrate a sub at a deep level, right down to her core, then you can take over all of her without effort. She will cede control over willingly and effortlessly. But, that level must be attained.

For this to take place, one must be able to psychologically take control. Again, any meathead can use fear as a tactic. This is shallow and ineffective. Psychological control means understanding what the submissive is seeking. What does she get out of her submission and service to you? What are her fears? Where does she feel vulnerable? What does she want? Those who can answer these questions have a chance of reaching the true depths of this experience. Sadly, few have any clue about these subjects.

Growth is an important factor in the BDSM relationship. Masters or Doms who do not continually focus upon this area are apt to lose a submissive. This is one of her strongest needs even though she might term it something different. A Master's duty is to take a person, gain her trust to the degree she gives all over, and help foster her along a path which leads to her fulfillment (notice the term was not happiness...they are two different things). A fulfilled slave is one who has reached the pinnacle of her existence.

One caveat about this idea. For a slave to continually grow, that means the dominant one also must focus attention on his/her own growth. Sadly, most prefer to live by the code 'do as I say, not as I do'. This does not work. If you want your slave to be the best she can be, that is only possible because you became the best Master you could. Resting upon your laurels does not suffice. That is where stagnation comes in.

In closing, these are a few ideas pertaining to putting yourself in the experience of a submissive. While I touched upon the psychological aspects of things, this is only the tip of the iceberg. The psychology field is full of materials that go into great detail about this important subject. Be sure to open your learning up to these seemingly disconnected areas because they will offer you insight into the mind of another. True domination is about a lot more than whips and chains.

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Being Alone But Not Lonely

This idea stems from a conversation I had yesterday with a fellow dominant in the lifestyle. It is something that many in the psychological and self help community refer to regularly since it is the premise of healthy self-esteem. I write about this topic often since it is something that most of society, not just the BDSM community, lacks. It is a plague that stimulates people to make choices that are completely against their best interest.

Being Alone

Many have difficulty in being alone. In short, they despise it. We see this every where we look. People have a need to be around others. Of course, this is only natural since man is a social animal. Therefore, isolation is not our natural state. Those who tend to this extreme tend to have psychological issues. The Unabomber was one such example. He lived in complete isolation for years. This is an unhealthy state.

The reverse is also equally as dangerous. There are many who simply cannot be alone. In other words, a person of this ilk always needs to be around another. They occupy their days with friends and family. While on the surface this looks healthy, when we explore the motivation, we realize it is not. Instead, a person like this is driven by fear. As opposed to being with others for the benefits of interaction, he or she is there simply to avoid being with oneself. And this is the crux of the problem.

Desperation

People who fall into this category tend to make decisions out of desperation. This is something we see regularly in the BDSM community. We typically have one who suffered a serious of failed relationships in the vanilla world. Here, this individual finds the answer to his/her life issues by getting involved in a BDSM relationship. Sadly, instead of finding happiness and fulfillment, one only finds more pain.

Why does this happen? Because the same fear that motivated this person before is still present. It leads one to act desperately. Patience is not high on this person's lists of qualities. Instead, he or she will accept anyone who will show an interest. This is what makes the trollers successful. They prey upon the insecurities of others. Fear of being alone is a weakness that is exploited regularly. Anyone who has been around a while can see the desperation ooze out of people. It is that obvious.

Not Being Lonely

A healthy self-esteem mandates that you are able to be alone without being lonely. This is a worthwhile goal to have. If you are one who finds yourself dreading being alone, it is time that you tend to this defect. Trust me when I tell you that it is causing catastrophic consequences in your life.

Many try to excuse their behavior by saying they are 'sociable'. Certainly there are many who like to interact with others. But, again, we always need to look at the motivation. Oftentimes, it is fear that is making the decision.

When it comes to relationships, being alone without feeling lonely allows one to establish a thing called standards. Desperate people have no standards whatsoever. Instead, he or she will take whatever comes along and shows an interest. This is often the wrong path to take.

A person with a healthy self-esteem will take the opposite approach. Rather than accept anyone, he or she has a clear image in the mind of precisely what is sought. Since this individual is not afraid of being alone, he or she can forgo all those who do not fit. The ability to wait until what one is seeking appears is a power few have. This stems from a leeriness of being alone.

Therefore, it is imperative that you start to spend some time on your own. Get use to being with yourself and be okay with it. You aren't a bad person and using others for distraction is not healthy. Your strength comes from the ability to embrace yourself. There is tremendous opportunity to grow when you are along. Utilize it and you will find things improving dramatically.

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It Doesn't Make Them Right

Today, I am going to write about the length of time people have in the lifestyle and how that affects the interaction with others. Many fall into a dangerous trap of succumbing to the temptation of 'time'. This is something that we need to be extremely leery of.

Experience Is Important

I will state that experience is important. In all my writings, I make it clear there is no substitute for dealing with experience. Those who have 'trudged' the road that you are on can offer valuable insight . Anyone who made mistakes and is willing to share them with you is one to listen to. He or she has the uncanny ability to help you circumvent painful situations. A sign of wisdom is the ability to learn from others.

Experience is commonly a reflection of time. Obviously, someone who is in this lifestyle 20 years will have many opportunities to experience different things. Life and relationships tend to throw many different obstacles in our way. Those who navigate these waters have a story to share. Again, knowledge from a source such as this is invaluable.

Of course, experience comes in many different forms. While the BDSM world is different from the traditional in so many ways, there are also commonalities that are applicable. Many seem to miss this basic point. Interpersonal skills are always important no matter what the structure of the relationship. Those who lack this basic necessity find BDSM just as trying as other areas of life. Therefore, most have a great deal of experience when they enter the BDSM arena.

The Meaning of Time

Time offers one thing: opportunity. Whether a person takes advantage of that or not is a completely different story. Many will be around something for a long time yet fail to learn a damn thing. This is something we need to be extremely mindful of when we are interacting with others in the BDSM arena.

The common scenario is for someone who is new to defer to those who have time. I see this repeatedly online. A new person will make a statement in a forum only to have a more 'experienced' member rebuke that idea. Shortly after, the new person usually apologizes for offending those who are on there.

What is sad about this scenario is often those who are experienced are also complete idiots. As I mentioned above, time gives one the opportunity to learn and grow. The sad truth is that few take advantage of this fact. I presume this is a human condition since we see so many who haven't picked up a book since their formal education ended. However, in the BDSM arena, this can be a very dangerous prospect.

Also, just because a person has time in this lifestyle, that does not make their viewpoint correct. The BDSM world is a wide and varied life. There are many aspects to it. It is impossible for anyone to be experienced and knowledgeable about every area. For example, even though I am at this way of life for a while, I know very little about suspension. It is not a form of play that I personally involved myself in. Therefore, anything I state about this facet will be conjecture. My experience is nil. Time did not provide me wisdom in this area.

Take this concept with you wherever you go. There are many who post ideas that are very helpful. However, these same people might also have some strange viewpoints on different things also. That is part of the human condition. I have yet to meet the person who agrees with my views on everything. So, the old adage 'take what you want and leave the rest' certainly applies. And, for Pete's (whoever he is) sake, stop apologizing if some supposed 'aged' person disagrees with you on something. The presumption that he or she is correct is one you should not take. There is a good chance that person is equally off his/her rocker.

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Tough: You Created The Situation

This is a post that I wanted to write for a while. Part of my dilemma is to deliver the message without coming across as ranting. I will start by telling you I am perfectly calm at this moment. Thus, all that I am writing is devoid of an emotional magnification. There is no anger or upset within me. My sole objective is to get across an idea that I feel extremely important. Of course, in doing that, I know I am going to upset many people. So be it.

Your Life

The simple fact is that you are living your life. Nobody else can lay claim to it. You are the sole proprietor. How you choose to run it is completely your responsibility. Naturally, from my observations, this seems to be a point most people overlook.

I often write about dominants having to lose the habit of blaming, especially when one is an obedient sub. However, this is not the only target of this idea. Judging by society at large, it seems that 'blame' is a favorite pastime of the majority of people. Few truly want to admit that their lives are the results of choices they made. Instead, they run around 'pointing the finger' at everyone who is in range. It is the ex husband fault. Or the children. Or their parents. Or the boss. Or the President. Or the neighbor. Regardless of who is selected, the end result is the person absolving him or herself of responsibility.

So, remember, it is your life and it is up to you to choose how you live. And part of that is taking responsibility for all results you get knowing that you made the choice that put you in that position.

Bad Decisions

Another one of the truths in life is that we all make bad decisions. In fact, most will tell you that the ability to make good decisions is the result of making many bad decisions. We are not handed a 'decision-making' manual at birth. This is literally an exercise in trial and error.

That being said, we need to own up to the choices we make. The fact that we are going to choose some options that are 'less than stellar' just means that we are part of the human race. Everyone does it so get over it. However, the fact that we are all making poor choices does not mean that we can absolve ourselves of the consequences. Part of maturity is knowing that we are still responsible for the outcome.

Victimization

What does any of this have to do with BDSM? The answer to that brings me to the next subject: victimization. This is a natural offshoot of the blame game. Those who continually blame others are establishing themselves as victims. Ultimately, we get a huge payoff for traveling this route in that nothing is ever our fault. By placing the blame and showing how we are victimized, we are able to elicit the sympathy from others.

Now, I can tell you the BDSM community is full of victims. Anywhere you travel you can see this in full force. People are continually complaining about all the scammers, wannabes, pretenders, and assholes that exist online. Now, I am not going to deny the fact of these people's existence or give them any support at all. I think they are trash that needs to be stepped on. My point is that it takes 'two to tango'.

You Did It!!!!

This is a favorite saying of my slave. But the message carries with it a great deal of truth. Those who want to play the victim are, in fact, responsible. All of them need to look in the mirror, point at the face looking back, and say "You Did It".

Here are some examples that I regularly see:

1. 20 something financial Domme got access to the credit card from some poor unsuspecting sub male only to run up huge charges and split.

2. New sub gets involved in a relationship after a couple weeks only to find the guy she 'submitted' to was not real.

3. A man talks to a submissive girl who proudly wears his 'collar' only to find out she has 9 other guys she did the same thing with.

4. A woman meets a guy for the first time in a motel without heeding any of the suggestions about meeting in a safe manner, and finds herself hacked up and disposed of down the drain in the bath tub.

Our poor victims. Actually, all of them deserved exactly what befell them. Remember, they were all responsible for the choices they made.

Here is the truth:

1. What fool would give a 20 something access to anything. If they say they are a financial domme, replace that with the word hooker or scammer. Either way, you are going to pay. Now, if this is acceptable to you, fine. But stop the belly aching when you get cleaned out. You were the one who gave her access to the accounts.

2. There are many posts on different sites mentioning the importance of taking your time, especially when new. This is a world that differs from what most are accustomed to. The BDSM world, particularly online, is wrought with great dangers. There are all kinds of games played. It takes some time to learn how to identify what really is going on. While nobody is immune, it does increase one's chances greatly. But, the suggestions we offer go unheeded. Instead, our new subbie does what he or she wants explaining to us that 'we do not understand'. So who is at fault? The troller who is doing what trollers do or the 'innocent' subbie who ignored all warnings and did what he or she wanted?

3. Half of what you see online is not real. It can be eliminated immediately. This is a world that is called virtual. It can reflect reality but it is not. The Internet is a place where it is easy to maintain anonymity. Anyone can be anything he or she wants. Those who believe everything they are told are apt to get taken. If you believe your one is real, that is perfectly logical. However, if you find out she was just playing games, realize that you were the one who answered her emails. You chose to interact with her (him) and nobody else. Own up to that fact and move on.

4. As horrific as this is, who chose to appear in a motel room with a total stranger? The point is clear. If one is going to throw common sense out the window, then he or she must know the risks involved. Stupid decisions can often be fatal. But, once again, it is his or her responsibility. While I will grant you that nobody should be brutally killed, this person elected to put him or herself in a dangerous position. This fact cannot be overlooked.

Grow Up

The basic fact is the people need to grow up. Children blame others for their ills in life. This is a sign of immaturity. Sadly, many adults have the exact same mindset. Fortunately, I am here with this post to try and snap some of you out of it.

Accept this: unless it was a complete act of nature, you deserve everything you get in life. If you do not like what you are getting, alter it. But stop blaming others for the choices you made.

-You were the one who married him (her)
-You decided to submit to someone after only being around the lifestyle for a few week.
-You were the one who got involved with a new Dom (sub)
-You were the one who allowed yourself to be tied up without knowing the safety precautions.
-You were the one who offered her the collar.
-You were the one applied for the job.
-You were the one who chose to live there.
-You were the one who spent the money.
-You were the one who gave her access to your bank account.
-You were the one who moved three states to be with him.

There was a time when I felt compelled to exert energy to try and protect new people (especially one the submissive side) from the ills that occur online. No more. My experience is that people are mostly too foolish to see what they are doing. Now, my approach is to put the warnings out there through my writing and leave it at that. Everyone here is an adult. If someone tragic befalls one, I feel safe in concluding that at some point she (he) made a decision to put herself in that situation. I do not buy into the blaming of others. Sub, slave, Master, Dom...we all have a responsibility to look out for ourselves. Common sense is a wonderful asset that seems to be at a premium. Those who lack is (or dont apply it) will suffer the ill-fated consequences. And, sadly, they deserve it.

So grow up and accept responsibility.

Bad Experiences: Our Common Denominator

This post might seem a bit uncaring. The only reason why I take this approach is because the message needs to be rammed home like John Holmes forcing his huge member into a virgin. A wake up call needs to be delivered.

The base fact is that we all had bad experiences. Whatever you are dealing with is not unique. Our posting about certain topics comes from experience i.e. we did the same stupid thing you are doing. We warn because it is a case of 'this is what we did and this is what happened'. Most of us were naive enough to believe someone was who he or she stated only to find out later that it was a viciously lie. At the same time, we also know the experience of getting involved with someone who appeared to be something only to turn out to be something else. Falling for lies, manipulation, and cons are part of our track record. We all were there.

However, in each situation we had to own up to the fact that we were the ones making the decisions. Even in a M/s situation, a slave is the one who chooses whether to submit to one or not. It is her choice. If she makes a bad one, that is on her. The same thing on the dominant side. Everything we do in life involves making a choice. And, all those choices have consequences. Since we made the decision, we have to live with the consequences. Therefore, you created what circumstance you are in.

Welcome to adulthood.

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Taking Responsibility: A Personal Story

There recently was an event in my household which epitomizes the nature of the M/s relationship and the responsibility each person carries. Over the last few months, I have written posts on different occasions outlining the fact that part of being a Master is to eliminate the idea of blaming. Too many are in the habit of point the finger at others, thus, absolving themselves of responsibility. A Master does not have this luxury.

It Goes Both Ways

The common outlook that I see is that the dominants who I see online want to 'have their cake and eat it too'. For most of the Doms, this pertains to sex. I believe the BDSM allure it to be able to take a woman whenever and however he sees fit. This means not having to deal with the 'honey I have a headache' stuff. Expand this concept out to encompass those who are 'Masters' and we find people who like the fact that someone (a slave) will do whatever is instructed.

Another caveat that enters the picture on the M/s side of things is the fact that many operate from the place that property cannot own property. Ergo, we see many M/s relationships, especially those where the parties are together for an extended period, where the slave hands over all financial earnings to the Master. She owns nothing and everything is his. What a deal!

Of course, this goes both ways. What our online Master and Doms fail to realize is that he bears responsibility in return for what is received. In other words, when one is willing to hand all over to you, including the decisions that are made, the onus falls upon your shoulders. You are the one responsible for the outcome. There is nobody to blame for the shortcomings in the situation. A true Master realizes this without exception. A slave might make mistakes but the ultimate responsibility always lies with him.

A Personal Story

My slave was employed with a company she joined a bit over a year ago. Over that time, there were things that occurred which I did not like in terms of the way she was treated. When she brought these situations to my attention, I guided her as to what her response should be. Obediently, she followed my directions.

A couple weeks ago, she was caught in the middle of a hatchet job. Politics and insecurity were a major reason for her being let go. Needless to say she was upset in addition to being angry. Nobody likes to be fired especially when they are doing the job (better than the rest of the crew). However, it is especially hard on a slave when she knows she has a Master to answer to. The level of disappointing is increased.

Certainly it is easy for me to take the approach that it was her fault she lost the job. I could point to the fact that she should have interacted with some others better and not been so terse with them. However, I need to realize that it was I who was directing her to interact with the different departments in the way she did. If there is any blame to be placed it is squarely on me. I cannot point the finger at her in this instance. She was just being obedient.

Therefore, the loss of household income is a situation I created. This is where my other responsibility enters the picture: the household expenses are mine. I am the one who needs to take care of my slave. Again, I can allude to the fact that a couple thousand in take home pay is no longer coming in. None of this absolves me of the overall responsibility I have as a Master. At the end of the month, it is me who needs to take care of things. That is what a Master does.

This is a far cry from what you hear spewed online. Few are willing to talk about this point. However, if you are going to take on a slave, understand that you are responsible for the life of that person. Therefore, the next time you want to point the finger at someone else, be prepared to cut it off. Being a Master has no place for the absolving oneself of responsibility. If you do, then we will know you are nothing more than a comic book Master seeking to play. True Masters take on the onus of another because he knows that is what he is to do.

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Saving Others

This is a subject that tends to arise on a regular basis. Experience is teaching me to let go and allow others to achieve the results of their own actions. Of course, this covers both the positive and the negative. Sadly, most seem to garner a whole lot more negative.

Saving Someone Else

Being of the 'teaching' mindset, one of my pleasures is interacting with others to impart my experience upon them. I see this same outlook in many people who are around this lifestyle. However, there comes a line where the teacher stops and the student begins. I can only presume this is exactly what educators in all fields experience.

Unlike chemistry or calculus where one will suffer the ill consequences of failing a course, those who 'stray' in the BDSM world end up enduring harm. While it might not be physical, the bottom line is people are regularly hurt by the actions of others. Unfortunately, many of them were warned in advance. Of course, the point is crossed where the teacher knows less than the student.

My point here is that it is impossible to save someone else. This is a life lesson as opposed to only being applicable in the BDSM world. Every parent who had a child goes astray knows this fact. There are times one needs to step back and allow another to suffer the consequences for his or her actions.

There is an old saying, you cannot save someone from him/herself. I see this regularly in the BDSM community. People, especially submissive types, are forewarned about certain things yet go ahead and do it anyway. Then, after a few weeks or months, they are surprised when things go sour. Spend time on any BDSM forum and you will see this exact scenario spell out.

Growing Towards Excellence

My opinion is that BDSM is a lifestyle where people grow towards excellence. Contrary to popular opinion, one cannot walk into this lifestyle and be adept at things instantly. I am always surprised (although I shouldn't be) at those who believe they can call themselves 'new Masters'. These are contradictions in terms. To very essence of being a Master, by definition, means you are experienced. Without this, you have not mastered anything.

Those who enter this life, and stay, are those who are dedicated to learning and growing. BDSM is a lifelong study. One never knows all there is. Even those who lived this way for 40 years will tell you there is always something that encounter which is new to them. The growing never stops unless one decides to take that approach. And, that is when he or she begins the process of moving backwards.

BDSM is about what you are doing as an individual. As mentioned, a teacher (or mentor) can only provide so much input. Ultimately, it is up to the individual Dom or sub to seek and internalize greater amounts of knowledge. Personal growth is an individual journey. Of course, there are many who are involved in relationships. In this instant, there are three paths which need consideration: the growth of each individual plus the grow of the relationship. I am a firm believer that the later cannot occur without the former being in place. If the individuals stop learning and growing, the relationship will also. Excellence is something that we all should be striving for.

Learning From The Mistakes

The mistakes we encounter are not new. It is a truth that people, especially newer ones, are not creating something novel. Instead, they are following the same behavior patterns we witnessed for years. This is a fact of the human existence. There really is very little that any of us encounter which is original. Humans beings tend to do the same thing.

One sign of intelligence is to learn from the mistakes of the past. Of course, this will start with your own personal missteps. But, what if you are new and do not have those? This is where the smart person will begin to look at the transgressions of others in an effort to avoid those same pitfalls. I only wish this concept encompassed everyone. My experience is that very few do this.

This is where the desire to save others from themselves comes in. As mentioned, this is a fruitless proposition since people are going to do what they want. Even when we feel we know the outcome, and most times we are correct, you simply cannot get through to most. They feel they are different. Of course, we are told we do not understand. What our newer person fails to grasp is that we understand all too well. There is a terrific chance we followed the same pattern at one point in our lives.

Therefore, it is best to learn from the mistakes we already made. We can save you a lot of heartache (and assache). Many of us in the lifestyle write on a blog such as this to parlay our experience in an effort to help. However, we are also the same people who understand that we cannot save you from yourself. There does come a time when we step back and say 'good luck' knowing full well what is going to happen. Ultimately, it is up to you to save yourself.

Mistakes are par for the course...suffering is optional.

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The 50s Lifestyle

Many want to establish their relationships around the 1950's concept of how a household was run. During this time period, the man was the unequivocal leader of the household. The woman was subservient to him. This was something that went without discussion. It simply was the way things were. Remember, this is long before the Equal Rights Movement and womens lib. It is amazing to see so many yearning for a return to what was after so many battles were fought seeking the freedom to get out of this situation. I guess that is a debate for another day. The point is that many seek living under a roof where the man is in control.

My Grandmother

My grandmother lived this exact scenario that we discussed. She was a homemaker with all power being in the hands of my grandfather. It was a male dominated society and this was not questioned. Her life was dedicated to the raising of a family while keeping my grandfather happy. It was the atypical 'June Cleaver' existence.

One thing that needs mentioning is that my grandfather, because of work, traveled a lot. This was the 1940s so we aren't referring to hopping on an airplane to take a shuttle flight. Rather, it was the era where one got on a train and rode for a full day to arrive at a destination where a business meeting was held. In the time period, it was not uncommon for men like my grandfather to leave early Monday morning and return Friday night. This meant that the rearing of the children was left to the woman of the house.

On that side of my family, there are 5 children. The age difference between the oldest and the youngest is 16 years. Therefore, my grandmother had her hands full for many years. Add in the fact that the oldest was a bit troublesome (the eventual decision to discipline him was my grandfather locking him out of the house at 17 and him enlisting in the Navy) and you can see how her responsibilities were enormous. Basically, the buck stopped with my grandmother.

Strength

Why do I bring up this point? My intention is to show how one can be subservient while being strong. For those who believe that being submissive to someone else is a sign of weakness and an invitation to walk all over that person, think again. This was a living example of how strength and submissiveness are not mutually exclusive.

In fact, I believe that for one to properly submit, he or she requires a great deal of strength. The 'kiddie doms' of the world like to believe that a submissive is someone who is needy and weak. This is not the case. The concept of giving one's life completely to another is something that few of us can identify with. There needs to be a tremendous amount of trust, confidence, and inner desire to serve for this to occur. It is sad how so many want to pervert this idea into something shameful. It is not. A true submissive is one of the strongest people that you will meet. She is one who knows exactly what is wanted and is willing to go get it. This is done in spite of the societal conditioning that teaches the exact opposite. In the Western cultures, we do not value service. Instead, we promote power and domination. I can assure you that it takes just as much strength to serve as it does to control.

Clarity

Many refer to the 1950s as a simpler time where good values were exhibited by almost everyone. While there is certainly some truth to this, I believe it was a time where people had clarity. What I mean by this is that the power structure was obvious. Everyone knew the roles.

For example, my grandmother was the backbone of the family. She was obligated with the responsibility of raising the children. This meant that discipline was part of the deal. And it was a role that she took to heart (as I learned her ways did not stop with only her children but grandchildren also). Since my grandfather was not present a great deal of the time, she was left to tend to the daily mishaps which would arise with such a bunch. Everyone knew who was in charge.

Of course, she always had the immortal threat 'wait until your father gets home'. I can only imagine what that would be like...dealing with a man who just spent 8 hours on a train returning home to find a list of disciplinary actions to be rendered on his plate. Common sense tells me this is a scenario most would try to avoid and from what I heard it rarely took place. My grandmother, for the most part, excelled at handling the problems as they arose. Her husband was the breadwinner; she tended to the children. Nothing can be clearer than that.

BDSM help to define the different roles within the relationship. The power structure is clear. There is one person in charge and the other follows. Equality, when it comes to power, is not part of the equation. It is impossible to step on toes since each person is assigned with a different responsibility. If each takes his/her position seriously, then you have the foundation for a successful relationship. The problem arises when one (or both) parties are playing games with this. Then the lines of demarcation get skewed.

One final thought. My grandmother never knelt before my grandfather. However, there was no question as to who was the controlling force. Each person knew exactly who had the power without making a spectacle of it. Sadly, we see many in the BDSM world who get all caught up with the protocols of submission. Those who need one to kneel before him to feel in control are lacking in power. As my example showed, even without kneeling, all knew what the situation was. Remember this the next time you see someone caught up in the protocol. True power does not come from the protocol followed but, rather, the individuals involved in the relationship.

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Be Proud

Pride is a dirty word in our society. Few are taught the value of having pride in oneself. Instead, most equate it with being cocky and arrogant. That is not the case. Pride is an ingrained belief about what and who one is. It is respecting the abilities that one has while showing an appreciation for them. Those who are boastful often do so as a means of compensating for that exact thing they are boasting about. This is radically different then 'being proud'.

Who You Are

I tell everyone they should be proud of who they are. Those who buy into shame are apt to be controlled by outside forces. While this might make sense a lifestyle that has control as a central tenet, the fact is that the external forces that I am referring are non-consensual.

Most are slaves to the concepts and ideas of society. Dogma rules the majority of society. People willing drink the 'kool-aid' without a thought about what they are doing. It matters none who is exerting the power, the result is always the same. Enslaving the masses is a goal that goes back to the beginning of civilization.

Governments and religions do this all the time. We see teachings offered up without a thought as to the validity of what is being said. In fact, we are taught that blind faith is an admirable quality. Talk about turning one into a marshmallow. Take away one's ability to think and question and you control them.

Being proud is all about questioning and arriving at your own conclusion. Those who embrace who they are with high esteem are able to formulate their lives as they see fit. They are the ones who resist the Kool-Aid. People who are involved in the BDSM world seem to fit into this category. One typically does not find an alternative lifestyle without questioning the traditional. Most everyone I met within the lifestyle went through this process to one degree or another.

The idea is to embrace who you are. Even though mainstream society has its opinions about how we live, the truth is there are thousands of people who think exactly how you do. Therefore, it is in your best interest to not feel the shame that society tries to bestow upon people who are 'different'.

Pride Within BDSM

This entire conversation takes an interesting turn when we isolate the conversation to BDSM. Remember I wrote that those who believe without question are apt to be controlled in a non-consensual way. That is exactly what happens within the online BDSM community. We see the kiddie doms running around different sites degrading the submissive ones in a misguided effort to gain control. Well, if you find yourself in this situation, use some common sense to salvage yourself.

One who is submissive should be proud. There is no shame in being this way. If you are like many I encountered, your submissiveness is not something that you became but, rather, was uncovered. In other words, it is a natural trait within you. Those who want to look down upon this exemplify the fact that they are clueless as to what this is all about.

Any dominant who thinks that a submissive is less than shows a lack of respect for the lifestyle. The truth is there are two sides to the coin and one cannot exist without another. It is the old yin/yang idea. One needs the other in order to excel. If there was nobody who was submissive, then domination would not take place. Both need each other. While I acknowledge that the power structure is not equal, the fact that it takes two shows that each has a role to play in the relationship.

At the same time, we also see those who want to judge others because of their likes. The simple reality is that there are many different areas of interest. Some want to be used and treated like total sluts. Still others prefer to live as dogs or ponies. Some like diapers (age play). We have daddy doms. Everything you can think of is contained under the umbrella of BDSM. Yet, there are many who want to shame others for their preferences.

This is where pride comes in. Just because some others (or the masses even) do not agree with your preferences, that does not mean that you should not be proud of who you are. Whatever your fetish, take pride in your desires. There is nothing wrong with them. Shed those Puritan ideals who instill so much guilt into people and be free. Why should a woman be ashamed of liking sex (a lot)? It is only because of an archaic belief system that this concept exists. If you like sex, and get a lot of it (i.e. a slut), be proud. So what if some do not approve.

Having a poor self esteem is a dead end way to approach life. Look within yourself with pride. Whatever your desires, let them flow with glee. This is your life to live as you see fit. If you can ingrain this in your thinking, then the next time you encounter those moronic 'doms' online, you can simply tell them to kiss off. You are worth more than they are offering. This is what a healthy pride will give you. It is there for the taking.

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100% Commitment

I wonder how many have this mindset in any area of their life? It seems that our society today is wrought with doubt and uncertainty. Perhaps this is a sign of the times or it is merely are reflection of something that happens all the time; i.e. all times are filled with uncertainty.

Nevertheless, I see so many who approach this lifestyle with the zeal of going to the dentist. Instead of looking at it as a decision which will impact one's life, I see so many who are into 'testing the water;'. Certainly, I do feel that not everyone is designed for this way of life. However, for those that are, it is best to approach it with more than just an optimistic outlook.

Becoming An Expert

Does the average person know what it takes to become an expert at anything? Again, I am being led to the conclusion that most do not. It is sad to see so many waffling through life in general. Yet it is really tragic when I see people doing it within this lifestyle. Something that is the source of so much pleasure turns into a humdrum experience because of an unwillingness to learn.

I wrote a post on my social site the other day titled "Learn. Learn. Learn.". The essence of the post was that one needs to commit to learning about this lifestyle no matter what the point. In other words, lifelong learning is something that is present when following this path. Nobody, regardless of how long around this lifestyle, knows everything. There is always something new to uncover.

Of course, at the opposite end of the spectrum, the new people need to dedicate the time and effort to learn what is going on. So many enter and try to apply traditional methods to this way of life. In short time, they fail. The problem is they never commit to making this a study. Instead, they want to jump into a relationship after only a few days.

Those who want to become an expert at this lifestyle are the ones who find success. Making BDSM a study is a central tenet of my life. I want to know all there is about what people are involved in. Knowledge comes from all areas. Everyone can assist me on my journey. However, it only is that way because I committed to it.

100% Commitment

Most are 'tire kickers'. These are the ones who approach this lifestyle like one does when entering a car showroom. When approached by a salesperson, they reply "We are just looking". Of course, tire kickers do not buy anything.

How does this apply to the BDSM world. The vast majority of those who are 'involved' in the lifestyle are just playing. They are here looking to see what they can find. Some just want to get laid. Others want to liven up their sex lives. Still others are bored and just want someone to chat with. Whatever the reasoning, these people will delve into nothing more than just the basics. They do not care about anything more.

Those who are 100% committed have a much different outlook. To start, they have a built in belief that they will succeed 'no matter what'. This dedicated attitude means that all obstacles will be overcome. Another term for this is persistence. The committed persist even when they encounter assholes who make one want to throw in the towel. They also study and inquire about all aspects of the lifestyle. For example, have you looked into kitten, pony, or dog play? How about diaper play? Needle and blood play? Fire play? These are all aspects of the lifestyle that people are presently involved in and enjoy. Perhaps many of them are not for you but knowing about them is worthwhile.

At the same time, have you studied the psychology of submission and domination? There are many publications in the field of psychology that deals with these subjects. How about the impact of psychic vampires on your well being? There are many people who will drain your energy if you allow them. What about the deep commitment level that comes from being completely responsible for another human being? Have you looked into that and what that requires? These are all areas which are open to exploration.

My suggestion is commit to learning as much as you can about the BDSM world in an effort to see what applies to your life. While there are a great many things that will hold no interest to you, I will surmise that your experience (and you success levels) will increase by having this knowledge. There are so many who are walking around blindly that those who commit to expansion are the ones who are able to enjoy and be fulfilled. Contrary to popular opinion, BDSM is a lot more than just kinky sex.

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