Strong Slave

Many talk about the desire to own someone strong.  As I once read, it is not a challenge to own a doormat.  I agree with this statement.  I also am a believer that slaves are not weak individuals who are meant to be stepped upon.  However, the thought comes to mind, what is a strong slave?  What is it that distinguishes her from a weak one?  These are questions that I find crucial to answer if we are to properly get to the depth of what a M/s relationship is about.

A while back I wrote a post about a Master's Greatest Challenge.  In this post, I explained the fact that fear is the number 1 challenge a Master has.  A slave tends to be overwrought with this destructive cancer to the point where she is in the habit of sabotaging many things in her life.  Fear is something that centers in the mind and is projected outwards towards all situations she finds herself in.  For those of us who sat back and watched this occur in someone's life, it is truly tragic.  Is it any wonder that many find themselves in the repetitive cycle?

Obviously when we are referring to the strength of a slave, we are not talking about the physical aspects although there are some who will put most dominants to shame in the gym.  When I mentioned strength, I am citing the ability of controlling what goes on inside her head.  You see, it is my belief that all aspects of our lives stem from our thoughts.  Our emotions are simply reactions to the thoughts we have.  To test this out, try to feel depressed.  What would you have to do?  The answer is simple: think about depressing things.  If you want to be scared, ponder a situation that you deem fearful.  Therefore, to be strong, one must have control of her mental state (this applies on the dominant side also).

There is a difference between danger and fear.  Danger is something that is real and one must be mindful of.  There are many dangerous situations out there which are best to avoid putting ourselves in.  However, this is a marked difference from fear which resides in the mind.  Fear is a projection upon a future situation which may or MAY NOT come true.  The truth is we do not know what is going to happen in the future yet we project our fears outward which can often lead to the manifestation of what we fear the most.  The smothering spouse is a prime example of this.  He or she fears the other leaving so, in turn, constant attention is paid to this individual which eventually drives him/her away.

I see so many who state in their profiles that they "cannot trust".  Here again we see fear recurring as a theme throughout life.  What is a lack of trust but fear?  The situation is that this individual was harmed in the past by someone.  In the online world, this is a regular occurrence.  Anyone who had traveled this path knows what takes place intimately.  None of us are exempt.  There are liars, cheats, and scammers..that is what the online world is mostly comprised of.  Go on any BDSM related site and this is the majority of the people on there in terms of profiles.  In other words, it is par for the course.  It is difficult not to be a bit hesitant when encountering someone new because the wounds from the past are ever present.

Which brings up the problem.  The past does not equal the future.  Just because you encountered 5 pieces of garbage in a row, that does not mean the 6th will be.  It is far more likely, at least statistically speaking, that the more trash you pick through, the greater your chance of finding the gem you seek.  One who is strong understands this idea and moves forward.  At the same time, the past is eliminated as much as possible so as not to project that hurt upon the present situation.  Sadly, unless one does this, the outcome will tend to be the same as before even if this person is legitimate.  I am certain many people were dumped, let go, or walked away from simply based upon the delusion in a slave's mind.  From personal experience, I know it does happen.

A slave needs the ability to be able to control her emotions, which fear is one of the primary.  Stepping back and not instantly reacting is paramount.  Unfortunately, from observation, few seem to be able to do this consistently.  It is also why so many are runners.  If you research or explore the background of many, you will find that their history is full of running.  Whenever the situation got tough, they up and left.  Over the years, I learned that it is a fool's errand to try and chase someone of this sort down.  Habits take over and the running continues.  Again, we see fear rearing its head and completely obliterating whatever is possible.  To me, this sums up self-sabotage better than anything else I can think of.

Strength is the ability to move forward in spite of what we are feeling.  The simple fact of the matter is we do not always feel good about things.  We all have judgments and reservations.  Fear is something that is managed, it never leaves.  Hence, we all have it.  Our view of the world is simply our perspective.  This view is tainted by all the experiences, prejudices, and hangups we have.  Therefore, it is crucial that we minimize these as best we can to see things objectively.  We also need to set the feelings aside which are created in our mind so as to take the action that is required.

Someone recently asked me why I focus upon fear so much.  My answer is simply that I see the damage it does and how so many people destroy themselves and their desires with it.  Fear is not isolated to the BDSM world or people within it.  However, as I bounce around the Internet, I see it so clearly in many people.  In short, fear ultimately is the true master and runs the slave's life.  There just is not room for anyone else in the equation.  Remember, one cannot serve two masters and, in this instance, fear was there first.

I hope you start to take stock at where fear is sabotaging your life.  It is one of the most vital keys to your happiness and fulfillment in my opinion.

DN 

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Putting Your Time To Good Use

As we approach the coming of 2015, many people use this time of year to review what occurred in their lives the past 12 months.  At the same time, they start to lay down ideas or goals for the upcoming year.  This is a practice that many do on a personal and professional level.  It was this concept that got me thinking about what I commonly see online.

It is not uncommon as I travel around the different BDSM sites, to see profiles of people who are "still searching".  As we all know, life on these sites is a challenge at best while being downright frustrating at worst.  Finding someone who fits our needs the proverbial needle in the haystack.  Kissing a lot of frogs (or screwing a lot of nitwits) is par for the course.  After a while, one becomes fed up with the antics and withdraws.  Naturally, the tried and true BDSM people realize there is not anywhere else for us to go; hence we give it another shot.

The question that comes to my mind is what is this individual(s) doing with their time?  What I mean is does this individual have any focus or direction as it pertains to his or her skills or level of attraction to another?  While the frustration can be great when dealing with the nitwits, it also is the ideal time to do something about yourself.  In other words, get busy making yourself more attractive to potential individuals.

BDSM compiles all areas of life.  I am not one who believe in the BDSM and vanilla distinctions.  To me, when I read a profile that talks about this, I am led to the conclusion this individual really does not get it.  Let me repeat this:  YOU CANNOT HAVE A BDSM AND VANILLA LIFESTYLE.  THERE IS JUST LIFE.  THAT IS ALL.  Now, most of us do not run around with whips in our hands and leashes on our slaves.  Nevertheless, this is post for another day.  For now, just understand that BDSM is who I am and it involves everything about me.  There is no separating the two.

One of my core beliefs is that BDSM is about growth.  Ironically, if you listen to the different disciplines throughout the ages, many of them have growth and development as the basic tenet of life.  What is the meaning of life: to grow.  Therefore, what are you doing with your time?

The time outside of a relationship is the perfect time to begin working on yourself.  This applies equally to those who are dominant as well as submissive.  There is no such thing as a human being.  Hence we all have different areas in which we can focus our attention to get better.  So what are some of the things I recommend.

Let us start with the physical.  How is your body?  Are you in need of losing a few pounds?  If this is the case, why are you not doing something about it.  What better time to get busy exercising and changing your diet then right now?  It is well noted how many dominants want fit submissives.  Of course, I would counter that while not arguing the desire, it is a sign of the ability to control oneself to be fit.  Also, in our world, fitness and agility are important in many of the scenes we do.  Do you really want to be with a sub and her to be really enjoying a scene but it needs to be stopped because you are so out of shape that you tired after 15 minutes?

Next is the mental.  This encompasses a great deal more than I can cite here.  However, within our realm, why not spend time studying different aspects of the lifestyle.  Perhaps you want to research some about protocol.  Or maybe a particular fetish is of interest to you.  There are always areas of domination and submission which require attention.  The more we know intellectually, the more we bring to the table when interacting with someone else.  BDSM is wide and varied.  At the same time, it is never a bad idea to be a bit more cultured.  Read some of the classical literature.  Expand your interest in music to areas you haven't previously indulged in.  Study the arts or take up a hobby that is of interest.

Financial is next.  Is there anything worse than a totally broke Master?  Now I understand people have setbacks and situations arise in life which wipe them out.  For every generalization, there is a case which is separate.  However, when we see someone who has a good job yet is up to his eyeballs in debt, what does this tell you about money management?  Part of goal setting is taking into account the financial arena to see where improvement is needed.  Perhaps it is time for you to start studying concepts such as budgeting, couponing, investing, and money management techniques.  It is always a good idea to work on reducing/eliminating debt so maybe a 2nd job is needed on the weekends for a while to offset some of the payments you have.  Whatever your situation, there is usually something that can be done to improve it.

Spiritual/Emotional.  I couple these two together since I am not going to get into a discussion about belief.  This is an individual thing.  However, we all have an emotional basis and controlling our emotions is vitally important.  There is nothing worse than dealing with someone who is an emotional basket case all the time.  This is also something that is equally true for the dominant as well as the submissives.  It is difficult, if not impossible, for a slave to properly serve a master who is an emotional roller coaster.  One minute he is pleased, the next flying off the deep end.  No matter what the situation, she does not know what to expect.  The same is true when dealing with a submissive.  My point is whatever one has to do to get the emotions under control and learn emotional fortitude, it needs to be done.  This can come from faith, prayer, meditation, writing/journaling, retreats, or communing with nature.  Whatever your particular preference is, some type of effort needs to be taken to increase your discipline  in this area.

The key is to become a better person.  Life is about growth and BDSM is our life.  Take the time to work on yourself...it will pay many dividends.  The time outside a relationship or not with the one you want is difficult.  It is not easy to be alone especially if rejection led you into that situation.  Nevertheless, use the time wisely.  Start by making a list of 5-10 things you would like to improve.  Look over the areas I mentioned to determine some things you can focus upon.  Then, get busy.  Resolve yourself that you will have a lot more to offer the next person who comes down your path than you do today. 

DN  

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The Primal

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Online BDSM "Dating" Tips

Today I am going to cover a topic that I feel very important in dealing in the online BDSM world.  As we know, it is a far different era from the pre-Internet days where people were screened and everyone knew what they were dealing with.

To start, I am going to say that this applies only when dealing with people who appear serious and not the atypical morons  that we now make up the greatest percentage of the population online.  The "on your knees, bitch" crowd deserves all the anger, discord, and rude replies that one wants to give.  What I am focusing upon is the serious people who are genuinely trying to make a connection of some kind.

Dominants

It is important for dominants to realize that a submissive will receive hundreds of emails on most of the typical sites we so often frequent.  These individuals are hit up as soon as their profile is set up.  Therefore, the sheer number of emails/contacts make navigating through the trash difficult.  Speaking of trash, another factor to consider is that most of what the submissives receive is trash.  The tone of many of the emails is borderline criminal.  Too many believe that being "dominant" is a license to be a total asshole.  Ask any sub about the types of emails she received on the typical BDSM connection sites and you will be stunned.  My point is that a submissive is going to be leery after reading the first half dozen emails from the meatheads.

I will state something that is very simple but probably the most overlooked thing.  If you are dominant, fill out your damn profile.  Write a couple paragraphs about yourself and what you are seeking.  It is best to use complete sentences to show you are relatively intelligent.  I cannot tell you the number of submissives I encountered over the years who complained about the ignorance in writing them.  Remember, you are trying to put your best foot forward and capture her attention. 

When emailing, again, do not be a douchebag.  It is crucial that you say something intelligent and thought provoking.  Worthwhile subs/slaves like their intellect stroked (once again we see it isnt all about sex).  Comment on something that is in their profile that you found of interest.  To start, it tells her you read it and submissives like that.  Also, it forms a connection based upon the commonality of whatever is being shared.  That gives her something to go on.

Finally, have some pride and class about yourself.  If she does not reply immediately (or at all), resist the temptation to fire off another message.  One complaint that I got over the years, repeatedly, is that a dominant will send a message, she reads it but cannot respond then and, before she gets to a place she can, he sent another email telling her how she is not submissive because she failed to reply.  Here is an important point to understand: she is not waiting around for your email to come in.  It is possible for her to read your email and seriously want to reply yet the time will not allow it.  They have lives too.  Along the same lines, if she does not reply (I will cover this next), simply move on.  Do not belittle yourself by sending along another email asking her why she did not reply or calling her names.  You are suppose to be a dominant.  Take the rejection/ignoring like a man.  In all honesty, it really is not personal since she knows nothing about you.

Submissive Types

Now we get to the other side of the equation.  As I mentioned, we understand that you receive hundreds of emails most of which are total garbage.  We also know it is almost impossible to sift through them all in a timely manner.  However, there are a few things that I must mention.

To start, you are suppose to be submissive.  Now, submissive does not mean doormat or idiot so tolerating intolerable behavior is not recommended.  When the pretenders are out in full force, take the gloves off.  Give them all you want and then some.  Trust me, they deserve it.  Nothing is too harsh for the online BDSM warriors.  If they give it, then I believe any submissive should hand it right back. 

But what about the dominant who takes the time to write something decent?  What do you owe this person?  I have seen profiles where a submissive actually wrote "I dont owe anyone an answer".  As I pondered this, I realized what the feeling within me was.  I thought she was a fake.  Now maybe she put that up there based upon dealing with the multitudes of fools and it is understandable.  However, you must remember that all is a reflection upon you. 

The basic fact is that not replying to someone is downright rude.  Again, I will insert the caveat for the thousandth time that this does not include the wannabes and pretenders who pull their antics.  This is reserved for those who make the attempt to show they are serious and honorable.  For those individuals, a reply is courteous and also shows respect.

So what should you reply?  Well it obviously depends upon the email and your circumstances.  Oftentimes, if the email is complimentary about something you wrote, a simple thank you is sufficient.  At the same time, perhaps you are already in a relationship and failed to mention it in your profile.  If this is the case, then reply that you are unavailable and thank you for the interest.  Obviously, I cannot list all the situations that will arise but you get the point.  Reply with something respectful which conveys the point that you need to get across.  Hey, there are going to be profiles you read and dominants that you are not interested in.  That is okay.  Relay this message and leave it at that.  Certainly, you might find that he does not take it well but that is not a reflection upon you.  It is him who cannot handle the reality you set forth to him.  This leaves your side of the street clean.

Respect is something that is sorely lacking in the BDSM world.  Hopefully, those of us on this blog will elevate our behavior from the dumbmasses.  While changing the entire landscape is most likely beyond our scope, perhaps we can make a difference in our own way.  Start behaving in a respectful way in all of our interactions. 


DN  

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Birds, Fish, and Jesse Owens

A few weeks back I wrote a number of posts covering the subject of fear.  At that time, I stated that fear is the number one challenge a Master has when dealing with a slave.  From my experience, it seems that many are conditioned to buy into this emotion.  The games the mind plays are engaged in with full vigor until one comes up on the losing end.  Fear is a paralyzing force.  It prevents actions while maintaining the status quo which is never good.

I am a big believer in the laws of nature and that we, as human beings, are a part of this system.  Therefore, we see that:

Birds fly

Fish swim

Jesse Owens runs

For those who do not know who Jesse Owens was, he was an Olympic Sprinter who won multiple gold medals during the early part of the last century.  He is considered by many to be the best sprinter of all time.  In other words, he was a sensational runner.

It seems the BDSM world is full of people who prefer to give Jesse Owens a "run for his money".  The difference is that Owens was not motivated by fear.  Within the BDSM way of life, it is easy to see how fear helps to sabotage the quest that people put themselves upon.  Fears have a way of manifesting themselves especially when they are continually focused upon.

 The problem with running is that it becomes a habit.  Now, if this is part of your weekly exercise program, i.e. running 5 miles, then it is a very good thing.  However, if it is your answer to fear, then you are simply killing any chance of success in your life.  This concept obviously applies to more than just BDSM.  Nevertheless, we can really see it materialize in the lives of so many within our way of life.

People who are in BDSM tend to find their way here because the 'vanilla' or traditional world was lacking.  Many of us experienced the ole square peg in a round hole feeling.  While the idea we were not cut out for that path became quite apparent, there is something else at work which we must examine.

It is not uncommon for individuals in the BDSM world to be married 2, 3, 4, or, even, more times.  This is a natural outcome considering the fact we were trying to fit into the traditional world.  Often, when we look at the behavior of these individuals, we see fear is in operation.  In fact, it is the main motivator for people.  Not only do we see it in the failed marriages but also in numerous other failed relationships.

So what does this situation look like?  The common scenario is one gets involved with another person in a deeply emotional relationship.  For a period of time, things go along wonderfully.  There is the typical honeymoon period where both parties can do no wrong and nirvana is present.  Naturally, this period ends and the reality of the relationship emerges.  As more time passes and things get more difficult, our good little runner starts to think about bailing.  I will issue a bit of a caveat here by stating in many relationships, there is a time to use the door.  However, the situation I am referring to is where one starts the process of leaving as things get difficult.

It is no secret that relationships take work.  For one to be successful, both parties MUST be committed to overcoming the challenges which WILL arise.  Everyone feels fear and uncertainty at times.  Yet it is the true ones who are able to remain in there in spite of those feelings and work through whatever comes up.  Communication is a vital part of this process which is another area where so many fall short.  Instead of sharing, especially when in a relationship, they bottle up.  Ask them what is wrong and "nothing" is the response.  This is completely unproductive.  Nevertheless, we see this all over the BDSM world.

Another factor that enters into the equation is even before one gets into a relationship.  So many find themselves alone or having interactions which are unfulfilled simply because they are afraid of receiving what they desire.  What do I mean by this?  Quite simply, they allow fear to sabotage whatever path they are on.  If they are starting to get involved in something that could be very fulfilling and ideal for them, fear steps in and stops them.  They put on their running shoes and head the other way.  Again, this is something we see all the time.

Another caveat inserted here.  I will state, as my regular readers know, that safety is a crucial component.  It is imperative that one take the necessary steps to protect him or herself.  However, there is a limit to what is safe and what is counterproductive.  In other words, be safe but realize there is also a time you need to let go and give it a shot.  The truth is nothing in life entails 100% safety.  Driving an automobile is a catastrophic event for many people at times.  Yet most of us throw caution to the wind in the face of the risks and go for it (that is why we arrive at work...it would be a lot slower to take a bicycle).

As mentioned, the problem with running is that becomes a habit.  The individuals that I am referring are apt to pick up at the first sign of difficulty.  And what exactly is that difficulty?  It is discomfort within him or her.  Therefore, a person of this ilk is not likely to stop the practice.  In fact, it is my experience that it is a mistake to go after a person of this nature.  This action only opens up the realm of a second exiting.  Once a runner, almost always a runner since the fear does not change.

I write this to make people aware of what goes on within them.  The reason this is because the only solution is to be aware what is happening and stand in there regardless of how you feel.  It is too easy to turn tail and run.  However, while this might lessen the pressure within you, ultimately it negates any opportunity for success.  A BDSM relationship is difficult.  Leaving it at the first sign of difficulty might make you feel better in the short-term but will ultimately lead to dissatisfaction.

Jesse Owens was a great runner.  It is also breath taking to see a cheetah or a deer on the open plains going full tilt.  Yet this same quality among people within the BDSM world does not carry the same charm.  Sadly, it is downright sickening to witness.  When one is consumed and driven by fear, it is really a terrible sight.  What gets even worse is when one is aware of this tendency in an individual and witnesses it over and over again.

Fear is something that we all need to learn how to cope with.  The truth is it is impossible for anyone to be certain 100% of the time.  It is a simple fact of life that fear will arise whenever there is some uncertainty.  The unknown can be a scary place.  Yet, this can also be an exciting place to explore and learn.  So it really goes both ways.

At some point, you must decide that it is time to stop running.  Fear is going to ensure you never reach a state of happiness and fulfillment.  It is something that will take your life if you allow it.  People get swallowed upon by this emotion often without realization.  Running helps Olympic athletes achieve their goals but it is an awful way to attain success in the BDSM world.  Fear seeks to maintain the status quo which, for many, means being alone or in a less than fulfilling relationship.  The truth is you will not find the one who is a sensational fit for you if fear is the mechanism you obey.  Nothing in life is guaranteed and there are always risks.  However, it is the ones who are willing to move forward in spite of those challenges who enjoy the fruits of this world.

DN

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Taking Responsibility Even After Release

The topic I am going to discuss deals with the responsibility of a Master to a slave after a breakup.  Before getting into that, I need to establish a bit of a foundation so as not to confuse everyone.  The scenario I am dealing with here pertains to a M/s relationship with the 24/7 component to it.  Most likely, the slave resides with the Master and is under his total control.  All financial issues are handled by and property of the Master.  A slave does not own her paycheck nor the money coming in.  Anything she has is granted to her by her owner.

Again, I want to make this very clear that this is talking about M/s with TPE as the central component.  The slave is considered property of her Master.  I know there are many different variation within the BDSM community and ways to structure a relationship.  I just want to be clear about the type of situation I am discussing.

That being said, as mentioned, under this structure the Master reaps all the benefits from the slave's employment.  This is in line with the idea that property does not own property.  A slave has her basic needs met by the Master along with any other extras that he chooses to give her.   This is all in keeping with the idea of slavery.

The problem I have is that many of the "masters" seem to think it is a one way street.  They are very happy to accept the money while she is with him yet seem to want to absolve themselves of responsibility once the relationship ends.  What I am going to bring up is considered by many to be an "old school" idea but it is applicable to this situation.

With power comes responsibility.  When one gives herself, i.e. her life, to another, that entails a great deal of responsibility on the part of the dominant.  It is not a decision to take lightly.  Naturally, we know relationships can end and not all of them see us living happily ever after.  This means a breakup can occur.  In this world, this entails the slave being released.  End of discussion.

Well not exactly.  The problem with this concept is that the responsibility of the Master did not end.  Even though the slave was released, his obligation to her is such that he needs to tend to her until she gets back on her feet.  In most instances, this is a financial commitment.  I see far too many supposed masters leaving the slave destitute.  This is not what BDSM is all about.

I will give you an example.  I had a live in slave for about 5 years.  Upon our termination of the relationship, she had absolutely nothing financially.  This makes sense since it was a true M/s structure where all she had was mine.  So what did we do?  To start, I gave her $5,000 to get her and her stuff back home.  Once there, she had some money to carry her for a while until she found a job.  However, due to the pay schedule of her employment (they get paid monthly) she didnt have enough to get her through to her first full paycheck.  Hence, I wired her another $1,000 to cover some of the basic things that she required.  This got her through until she got her first month's salary and could make her own way.

Another example is a slave friend I have who was in a slave household.  All the slaves worked and forwarded their checks to the Master.  What this particular Master did was took a portion of each check and put it in an account for each girl.  The result was that, over time, enough money was amassed so that when my friend (or any other girl on the house) moved on, she had enough money for a deposit on an apartment, a couple months rent and other expenses until she was able to get her financial house in order.  This is a Master who understood his responsibility to a slave did not end simply because the interaction between the two of them did.

It is obvious why I bring this up.  One does not have to look to far or read too many profiles before uncovering one who was left "high and dry" by some master.  It is always interesting to read how these individuals self describe themselves as stern but fair yet they fall short on a major responsibility towards the one under their protection.  Again, as I wrote a number of times, a BDSM relationship is not a one-way street.  Both parties have responsibilities towards each other.  Neither is allowed to absolve themselves of this crucial point.  One again, we see this starts with the basic commitment to the lifestyle.  If you are going to be a "master" in the BDSM world, there is a certain level of behavior that is expected.  Owning someone is a lot more than just having someone clean your house and present her holes whenever you want.  It is the taking over of someone's life and improving upon it through growth.  And, in this world, this responsibility does not end simply because you released her.

DN 

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Bottoms, Subs, Slaves...A Glossary of Terms

There appears to be great confusion about some of the terms we use in the lifestyle to refer to ourselves.  It is easy to throw out the term "bottom", "sub", and "slave" while also referring to the dominant parties as "top", "dom", or "master".  However, the confusion arises in that few really take the time to decide what it means.

Today I am going to give you my ideas behind these terms.  BDSM is a flexible lifestyle in that there is not a cookie cutter system for all to follow.  Along the same lines, terminology is also determined by the individual.  The definitions/explanations that I am going to provide are simply my views on the subject.  Some might have ideas which work better for them.  Nonetheless, my goal is to give everyone a broad outline so that comprehension is thus increased.

I will start on the submissive side.

Bottom:

To me, a bottom is a submissive person who takes on this role during scenes or when engaging in play.  It is a physical (mostly) basis with a start and a stop time.  The submission lasts only for the scene within well structured parameters.  While there might be a connection between the individuals in the scene, it is not necessary.  In fact, the other person might be a total stranger.  Service is not part of this person's makeup, at least not in this realm.

Sub:

This is obviously short for submissive.  Unlike the bottom, this is one who is in a more "dedicated" relationship.  A sub submits to a particular individual (or perhaps individuals in the case of a dom/domme couple).  The submission extends far beyond the play scenario to include most areas of life.  Service is a large part of the interaction and motivation for the sub.  However, the sub will retain some rights/say over certain areas of her life.  The relationship will be more structured and deeper as compared to the bottom with more time invested.  There is no duration of the submission with the relationship being open-ended in terms of time like almost all relationships are.  This type of structure is akin to "dating" with some power exchange involved.

Slave:

A slave is one who goes for the full enchilada.  She is taking her submission to the nth degree.  There are no halfway approaches to this one.  Total power exchange is what she seeks.  A slave is one who gives up full control to the one she is with.  Outside some obvious limits (no cutting off limbs or burning one's face with acid), a slave has no say in what takes place.  All decisions and control reside with the dominant.  Naturally, this is a relationship structure which involves an astronomical amount of trust on the part of the submissive while the dominant takes on a great deal of responsibility.  He is the one responsible for steering the relationship which means, ultimately, all falls upon him.  Depth is something commonly associated with M/s.  A slave is continually having her limits pushed (in a safe manner) to see how much she can grow.  Slavery is a huge commitment on the part of both individuals meaning that it is not entered into lightly.  Many subs find that slavery holds a special appeal to them since the natural submissiveness within them is taken to incredible depths.  Of course, this path is not for everyone.

As for the dominants, I am going to state something that I posted on here before.  A dominant derives his "title" from the particular state of the submissive.  What I mean by this is that a dominant is not a master unless he is in control of a slave.  If the individual he is dealing with is a sub, then he is a dom.  Naturally, many individuals have the experience and knowledge to be masters but it is still up to the submissive to decide the title.  Therefore, if a dominant is in a scene with a bottom, he is simply a top at that moment.  Of course, it is highly possible for him also to be a dom or master to someone else outside of the one he is playing with.  Nevertheless, to that individual, he is a top.  This is one of the reasons why I laugh at the nitwits online self-naming.  His title is not determined by himself but, rather, the title of the one he is controlling.

Hence we see the terminology line up as such.

Bottom...Top
Sub....Dom
Slave....Master

It is possible for someone to be just one of those or all three simultaneously.  The point is having a broad understanding of the different titles is important.  However, at the end of the day, it is what is inside of you that matters the most.

DN  

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Why A Slave Serves

Here is an email I received from a slave that she wrote to a dom/master when asked about her service.  I believe her words really capture the essence of what is at the core of a slave and why she has a need to serve.

Please give it a read since I feel it is one of the best summations of this I ever came across.

The greatest treasure of all is to serve. But in order to actually serve with love and dedication as a sub/slave should, we need to understand why it is we desire to do so. 

You wished to know how it feels on the slaves side. I will do my best to accurately describe it from my perception but it is difficult to explain Sir, if you have never served another in such a true manner. However, I would have to say you actually hit upon the core basis of it when you wrote, “…all her worries gone, happy, feeling full…” . The act of giving or serving brings me the greatest sense of satisfaction and purifies the mind. It’s knowing that thru my gift, I accomplished something that brought someone else joy, happiness or pleasure. For a true slave or submissive, it is the focal point in our chosen lives, and keeps the core foundation of a D/s or M/s relationship strong.

I think as submissives, we engage ourselves in an activity that gives us a sense of accomplishment, a feeling of worth and approval. An incredibly high percentage of thoughts and behaviors are influenced by this core principle: the need for approval.

Not knowing the background of your childhood Sir, I will make this example generalized…do you recall as a young boy, when you did something your father was proud of…he would ruffle your hair or pat you on the back and say “good job son” or “well done boy”…do you remember how that made you feel?  Did you not want to do more or strived to be better at it, just to gain that acknowledgment and attention again? …that few seconds of shining in his eyes…?  A submissive’s desire or need to serve is much the same Sir.  We strive to please, to assure your happiness and pleasure, for that one moment of recognition and approval…to “shine in your eyes”. As humans, we need approval and recognition. We need to know that we are appreciated and noticed. Psychologist William James said that “the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”  Most Dominants have a tendency to underestimate the power and importance of recognition. There is something deeply satisfying about thanking someone when it is clearly deserved, for both the Dominant, as well as the submissive.

Another point to ponder is the need for acceptance and belonging, which is the third level in the Maslow's hierarchy of needs/motivation. This plays a huge role in a sub/slaves desire to serve. We are social creatures and as such we need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance, whether it comes from a large social group, (i.e. clubs, groups, communities) or small social connections (i.e. family members, intimate partners, mentors, Dom/Masters, etc). We need to love and be loved (sexually & non-sexually) by others. Pure service is a sub/slaves way of expressing that love and devotion. We don’t do it for the physical or materialist rewards or out of fear of retribution. We do it because we need to feel it. Through our unselfish act of giving or serving, we are offering to the Dominant our soul and our heart. We are telling him that He is our world. The center of our focus. The reason for our being who and what we are. 

And from yet another side, my service to the Dominant and how well it was performed, and received, is a mirror of my sub/slave’s true soul.  If it was given or done half-heartedly and the Dominate is displeased, it is a direct injury and insult to my worth and disgraces who I am.  If given earnestly and wholeheartedly, and received with praise and approval, it is a reward in itself.  How I portray myself in my service reflects not only on my own self-worth and value as a sub/slave but on the reputation of the House/Master I serve and my level of pride and commitment to that House/Master.

There is no single reason more pronounced or stronger then another as to why true sub/slaves have a pure desire to serve, but together…love, honor, pride, approval, acceptance, commitment, belonging….they are incredibly powerful and why as subs/slaves, we strives to give all and be all that we are capable of...at all times.

DN  

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Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all in the states.

Today, I hope all can find something to be grateful for.  Always remember, no matter what your plight is, there are always those who are less fortunate.  In short, there are many out there who are truly suffering.  If you are not one of those, be grateful for that.  However, if you are, keep your head up.  There is always a brighter tomorrow.

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The Extreme

Many people have the false conception the BDSM is extreme.  They see the imagery presented by the porn industry and, basically, it scares the panties right off them.  Obviously, as I have covered a few times, the porn industry has an agenda which differs greatly from each of us individually.  Sure, some, if not many of us, are seeking the whips and chains.  However, BDSM offers so much more than that.

That said, we are open to the fact that there is an extreme aspect to the BDSM world.  Before going any further, I feel it important to define what we mean.  Within the context of our lifestyle, we can see extreme through a few different lenses.  To start, we can look at the behaviors (i.e. play) and see some who are into total extreme.  Pain sluts who are whipped and beaten until their body totally marked come to mind.  So does some of the other aspects of play like fire play, electrical, or hardcore bondage.  These acts can be extreme in nature depending upon the viewpoint of the individuals. (that is an important point to remember; one person's extreme is just normal to someone else)

The other way we encounter extreme with the BDSM world is in the context of the M/s relationship.  Here, the exchange of power is complete and total.  Under this circumstance, one makes a final decision to turn her life over to the master and that is it.  All decisions from that point forward are his to make.  Her most important role is to obey.  Now, that is not to say that he will not empower over certain decisions because a good master does.  However, it all takes place under his rule.

The M/s relationship contains an extremeness in terms of the mindset.  Individuals who opt for this particular relationship structure might not be involved in "extreme" activities.  In fact, their life might be fairly ordinary when looking at it from the outside.  Nevertheless, within the confines of the relationship itself, one sees a totally different viewpoint.  For example, once a slave commits she is destined to remain his until he decides to release her (unless she or her kids are in physical danger).  She does not have the choice to leave or exit the relationship.  At the same time, it is common for a slave to be viewed as property.  Many are appalled at this who lack an understanding of BDSM but it is right in line with out thinking.  Again, it is an extreme mindset and one that not everyone has.

I would say that the extremeness of BDSM, while highly touted, is not commonplace.  Reading different profiles online as I surf the net leads me to conclude that most people are looking for something a lot less "out there".  It is why so many term themselves subs (short for submissive) instead of slave.  Giving up total control is not a desire for them.  Instead, my experience is they want to add some kink to their normal interactions.  As long as it is light, it is acceptable.  I guess you might phrase it "vanilla with a twist".   Certainly the BDSM world is spacious enough for all types and people are free to structure their lives however they see fit.  Yet when we study the extreme aspects of things, it is the mindset that determines how committed one is to this way of life.  Many people put it on like a sweater, opting for something different tomorrow.  If this works for them, so be it.  However, these are not the people who are interested in what I am discussing here.

Society seeks to stamp out individuality.  Most of what I write about is not condoned by society because it centers around freedom and individuality.  It is ironic that we talk about freedom in a lifestyle that contains enslavement and bondage.  Nevertheless, when you really think about it, if someone is following what is natural and true for him or her, isn't that freedom?  Being in touch with our cores and adhering to that is crucial for all of us.  I believe that is why so many people in society are unfulfilled because they refuse to look at what is deep within them.  BDSM gives us that opportunity. 

Determining something is extreme or not requires judgment.  Remember, what is extreme to you might be tame to another.  It is all in our perspective.  For many, the most extreme aspects of our lifestyle are completely normal and everyday affairs.  Of itself, it is not something to be feared or leery of.  Naturally, the individuals are the ones who create the results and we need to be highly mindful of the idiots and morons out there.  Doing things in a safe manner is extremely important.  Nevertheless, at some point we need to take the plunge realizing that there are no guarantees in life.  If you are drawn to some of the more "extreme" aspects of BDSM, investigate it.  Society will tell you that you are sick, perverted, and need help.  We, on the other hand, will state, "you are what I am seeking". 

BDSM is about freedom....embrace it.

DN  

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