February 16, 2015

The Ability To Change


None of us are perfect.  This applies to all areas of our lives.  No matter what you choose to focus upon, there is always room to grow and learn more.  Naturally, this applies to BDSM as well.  Regardless of the time spent in this way of life, either as a dominant or submissive, there are plenty of things for one to learn.  Most importantly, learning about oneself is a never ending process.

My belief is that BDSM is about growth.  We enter this way of life knowing very little.  Most are attracted by the "whips and chains" only to realize there is a great deal more to it than it.  Sex and scenes are wonderful yet they are only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  BDSM entails delving deep into oneself, to the core, to determine what is there.  Our natural desires, passions, and excitement are all aligned when we spend time uncovering what they are.  BDSM provides the avenue for us to express this.

The problem with growth is that it entails change.  This is something that most people do not openly embrace.  To change means altering the way something is done.  While it sounds simple in theory, in practice it is rather difficult.  The reason for this is that change, most times, involves pain.  To change. we must step out of our comfort zone.  We usually have to look at something about ourselves that is not very comfortable.  Having that mirror reflecting back to us the way we truly are, or how others see us, is not easy.  It hurts our pride, esteem, self-worth, and can cause us to get defensive.  Of course, we are confronted with two options when placed in this position: change or bury our heads in the sand.  Those who choose the later end up repeating their behavior because nothing changes in the end.  However, those who are interested in forging ahead will embrace what is shown and make the necessary changes.  This is where growth comes from.

I once heard a spiritual teacher say "if one had to wait for the idiot to be ready to grow for growing to be done, then no growing would be done".  The point is that growth does not come easy or when we want it.  In life, things arise when we least expect it and we are challenged to expand in some capacity.  It is the process of going through these things which gives up the expanding of our abilities i.e. growth.  As stated, this applies to all areas of our lives.

Going through this process can be frustrating and painful.  For those into protocol, think of the difficulty you first had mastering the different slave positions.  Anyone who learned these understands it is not an easy process.  Another area that exemplifies how growth can hurt is by those who are into pain.  Consider what you went through to push the limits and increase your pain tolerance.  For many, this is a process that can hurt.  Nevertheless, the process is worth it when you emerge on the other side and your limits are expanded.

One aspect of this is the self image we have of ourselves.  We all have a particular image in our minds of how we view ourselves.  Depending upon the person, this can be either over or under inflated.  Some people have a rather high opinion of themselves while others have a negative view.  Naturally, most of us fall somewhere in the middle.  The point is that how we view ourselves is often inaccurate as compared to how others see us.  When we are referring to qualities such as caring, compassionate, disciplined, dependable, consistent, etc...there are times when we feel we are this way when, in fact, the exact opposite is true.  In other words, how other perceive us (or our actions) is different from what we think they are.  As mentioned, many times we believe we are "better" than we are which causes us problems with those we interact with.  Perhaps that is the reason why he or she was no longer interested.  Here we are believing that we are sensational when we are actually showing the world what an asshole we truly are.

Therefore, it is incumbent upon us to continually seek out those situations in which we can grow and change.  BDSM mandates that we strive to improve in all areas of life.  If we want to be better masters or slaves, we need to look at our shortcomings and work to resolve them.  Fear is a tremendous enemy which causes many to remain right where they are.  Change can be a scary thing.  However, repeating the same behavior is not conductive to forging better relationship.  I see too many people who are in this life 20 years but do not have 20 years worth of growth and experience.  Instead, they have 1 year that is repeated 20 times.  After their initial entry into this way of life, they simply remained the same.  All research, internal processing, and experimentation stopped because they thought they knew it all.  Ultimately, they lost the ability to change.

In closing, change is not easy.  Nobody likes having to get serious and honest with oneself.  What is even harder is when someone close points this out to us.  At times, it will feel like a dagger being driven into us.  The pain can be unbearable at time (amazing how tied we can become to our own self image).   Yet it is this pain which will put us at the crossroad to either growing or remaining the same.  Life, and the people in it, provides continual feedback as to how we are viewed.  Embracing what we are shown, while hard, can lead us to completely transform as people.  Perhaps that is what is required to keep that slave that is about ready to leave you because you tend to be more asshole than dominant.  This can change if you are willing to listen to what is feed back to you.  This requires a swallowing of one's pride.  Nevertheless, the possibilities become multiplied when you do this.  Remember, relationships are two way streets even within the power exchange structure.

DN 

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