How often have you read or heard someone say this or something to that effect? Or worse, how often have you thought this yourself?
The truth is that the BDSM world can be trying at times. We often operate from the perspective that the "grass is always greener" elsewhere. While this could be true in some instances, when it comes to our lifestyle choice, it usually is not. There seems to be a fundamental component that exists for most of us: the vanilla world simply did not work.
Few of us were raised in this way of life. For the vast percentage of us, we followed the traditional model for many years, even decades. Ultimately, we found our lives lacking something. This "hole" was filled once we found the BDSM world. It offered a great deal of what we were missing. We were able to interact with those who understood what we were feeling and what was in our core. Suddenly, the world was not such a lonely place.
Fast forward a few months, or even years, and we see the same individual, who failed in the vanilla world, considering returning to it. This is absolutely mind boggling although most of us can understand the idea. We all know that dealing with the idiots that are the majority of this way of life is extremely trying at best. Everywhere we turn, it appears that the medium I.Q of this within the life is minimal. This fact is magnified when dealing online because it is so much easier for the idiots to roam unabated. There is nothing in the online world to prevent these individuals from portraying something they are not. Of course, this misleading behavior is not solely an online situation. There are many who are just as dishonest in real life. BDSM, unfortunately, is an umbrella for users and abusers. Old time traditions and observation are dying out. Now, the lunatics are running the asylum.
That being said, my question to anyone considering a return to vanilla is, what makes you think this time will be different? Again, we ended up in the world of BDSM because we were unfulfilled in the traditional model. While the grass might appear greener, do you not think that many of the same online games exist in that arena also? My hypothesis is that it does. Therefore, one is actually just trading in one set of morons for another.
One explanation I heard is that the number of people to choose from is much greater in the vanilla as compared to BDSM. Without a doubt, I agree with this idea. There are a ton more people in vanilla than BDSM. I do not think there is much dispute there. However, we need to isolate what it is we are seeking. While it is more likely to find someone in vanilla, what are the chances of achieving true fulfillment? Is that not what we are all after; being fulfilled in the choices we make and with those who we interact with? My belief is that is exactly what we seek and BDSM is the path that we need to achieve that end.
What it all boils down to is commitment. Too many people enter the BDSM world with the idea that they will just "try it on". Of course, the normal course is that this person cruises along before meeting one of the meatheads we know are so common. This incident will leave a bad taste in his or her mouth. If the person is somewhat persistent, he or she will take another shot at it. However, there will come a point in time when this individual will get frustrated and utter the words I opened this post with.
One who is fully committed will not end up in the same place. When one truly decides something, he or she cuts off any other possibility. This is what a true decision is. Personally, I know at the deepest part of my being that vanilla holds nothing for me. If I was to delve into that arena again, it would end up as a train wreck. I simply do not belong in that realm since that is not where my fulfillment resides. The thought of a parity relationship sounds confining to me. BDSM is about openness, hence my view is the traditional is about being closed. This might be a misinterpretation on my part. Nevertheless, my track record in this venue is not very good. The vanilla world holds nothing for me in terms of being a method to structure my relationship. Therefore, I am fully committed to the BDSM way of life. For me, there is no other option.
Do you feel the same way? I often write about the fact that those of us who truly choose this way of life are "owned" by the lifestyle. It is up to us, it is our role, to fulfill others in whatever way we can. I see so many who are "unowned" or "free" who have their needs overlooked because dominants in their area will not step up to even fulfill the most primal of needs (her needs..not his). This is what being committed means. My body, mind, experience, ideas, and writings are all for the life. It is one of the main reasons I take time to write. I am fully committed to upholding my role within this way of life by sharing all I can. Hopefully, my words help others as they travel along their path.
So the question then is, are you committed to BDSM or is this just a passing fancy? Are you seriously considering going back to vanilla? If so, why? What do you think that holds for you this time that was not present the last time? In other words, what has changed? Is there something different about you now as compared to before or is it just that you are frustrated? Frustration is very poor at making decisions so do not allow it. If you are frustrated, take a step back and regroup. The thing about the BDSM world, especially online, there will be a host of new profiles in a few weeks (not saying they will be any more real than the previous set but there is a chance). The world continues to change. Do not let your present state dictate to you what happens. As they say, this too shall pass. What you are seeking is out there, you just need to be persistent. If you are like me, vanilla is not the answer.
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8 hours ago