August 1, 2014

Respect: Where Did It Go?


Respect is something that is often discussed within the BDSM community, especially in the online world.  Sadly, like many other topics, it is turned around with fantasy and stupidity reigning supreme.  Therefore, I thought it a good idea to clarify matters a bit on this to try and assist people in their interactions.

Given Or Earned

The old saying is "respect is not given, it is earned".  While this is a valid point, I find it to be only partially true.  Respect is something that is both given and it is earned.  This is an idea that many overlook.  The simple fact is both components are necessary.

I see so many who demand respect.  This is the wrong approach also.  One cannot demand something like this from another.  Under the two aforementioned parts, being given and earning respect is not done via demands.  This is bullying and pure insanity..

Respect needs to be freely given to one based upon the simple fact he or she is a human being.  There is no need to be disrespectful in a new interaction.  I know, all the wannbe doms are having a fit.  Their belief system is that you do not respect a sub.  If that is your viewpoint, read some of my posts regarding the value and worth of submissive types.  A dominant is not "better" than a submissive, simply different.  And it takes both a dominant and a submissive to complete a BDSM relationship.  You cannot dominate without having anyone to submit to and vice versa.  The only inequality in a BDSM relationship is in terms of power.  This is the one thing that is exchanged or established on an non-equal basis.

Therefore, everyone deserves respectful interaction.  Even those who desire to be treated like pigs are worthy of respect.  Simply because one desires degradation, that does not mean she wants it from you.  Approach her with respect until you established the foundation where you are one she wants to be degraded by.  In other words, get her permission.  Her likes and kinks do not translate into wanting that from everyone.

Another thing to keep in mind is the one following his or her true core is highly worthy of respect.  So many in life do the exact opposite.  They succumb to the wishes of society and those around them.  One who takes the journey inward to uncover what is deep within oneself is walking through a great deal of fear to arrive at the conclusions he or she does.  This is critical step to take and one that is not done easily.  Hence, we need to be mindful of the depth and power one's submissiveness holds.  This is especially true for the slaves who seem to be open to total abuse from the pretenders who fail to realize how difficult it is to embrace the fact that she wants to live TPE with another.  It takes great strength to submit to another.

At the same time, respect is also earned.  Outside of the respect of being a human being and the position one occupies, there is also the respect that comes from interacting with one.  This is determined by how one behaves.  Again, the dimwits who demand respect are showing exactly how unworthy they are of it.  The only way to garner this is to let our actions and ideas do the talking for us.  What you think, believe, and how you carry yourself are crucial.  This is what allows another to really latch onto something that he or she can be proud of.  Failure to do this means that you are apt to be looked at in negative light.  This does not bode well for being respected.

Courtesy

A large part of respect is common courtesy.  This is something that is completely absent from the BDSM world, especially online.  People talk about honor but it is just another word.  There is little honor within the community today because people are too full of themselves.  They believe the garbage that is spewed online thus concluding that they do not have to be courteous to another.  This is completely wrong.

Now before going any further, I will state that it is acceptable for one to receive a non-pleasant response when you started with the asinine attacks.  I have no problem with a sub/slave replying to one of the rude emails with a "you are a small-cocked, insecure, little boy who needs to be tied to a St Andrews Cross and be whipped until you get a clue" message of her own.  This is well-deserved and more of that should take place.  The belief system that exists online shows how rude the general populous truly is.

That being said, it is best to approach each interaction with common courtesy.  There is nothing wrong with "please" and "thank you" even if it is given to a submissive (and no, using these words does not make you less dominant).  It is perfectly acceptable to approach someone with a pleasantry or compliment based upon what you read or saw.  Ma'am and Sir are not only reserved for dominant yet can be applied to submissives as well.  Anything that works in the real world is applicable.

Another area I see a lack of respect or non-courteous behavior is when replying to another.  I witnessed this behavior in many different areas but it is all the same.  It is quite rude to not respond to someone.  Now, I will place my proverbial caveat here by stating that the bonehead emails do not require a response.  Nor do the obvious cut/paste variety which are also commonplace.  However, if someone does take the time to write you a nice email, one that is personalized, at least have the courtesy to reply to it.  Even if you are not interested, send back an email thanking him or her for the interest while stating that you do not think there is anything to pursue.  Of course, this harkens to the buttheads again who receive a reply of this sort only to respond in a rude manner.  Have some respect for yourself man and move on.  Acting like a spoiled little brat is not what domination is all about.

Replying to someone shows them respect and that you are a courteous individual.  Ignoring someone is basically telling them you are not worthy of my time.  If this is truly how you feel about someone, then eliminate him or her from your life.  Stop the interaction immediately and move on.  However, if you do believe the other person has worth, whether it is a relationship with the capital R or just a friendship, then the other individual warrants respect from you.  Treating someone like they are a telemarketer or some other solicitor is not a courteous way to interact.  This applies to emails, texts, or phone interaction.  To not reply on a consistent basis means you are rude.  And, quite frankly, if you are rude, then you most likely do not deserve the respect from whomever you are interacting with.

Can Say Does NOT Mean Should Say

The final area that I want to delve into deals with what one can versus should say.  There is a saying which applies to dominants which says "just because one can does not mean he should".  This has obvious implications.  Simply because it is within the realm of a dominant's power to do something to a submissive, that does not mean he should.  There are always variables to consider including psychological or emotional harm inflicted upon the submissive.  To me, inflicting this is not domination but abuse.

However, this idea does not apply only to actions taken.  It also applies to words.  Many believe it is their right to say whatever they want to someone without consideration of the consequences.  They failed to realize that silence truly indeed is golden.  People like this often hide behind the guise of being honest.  Yet, what is most often happening is that they are simply are exhibiting their insecurity via their need to tear others down.  This is a classic maneuver of one who suffers from poor self esteem.

***Of course, I am going to put in my caveat here again.  There are times  when one is within his or her right to reply in an unkind and brutally honest manner.  Some simply cannot take a hint when you try to say something in a respectful manner.  This is especially true if you are met with rudeness yourself.  It is always best to try to take the high road but there are times getting into the sewer is simply unavoidable.

Therefore, we need to monitor what comes out of our mouths.  Stating something that is true but unkind not only makes you honest, but also a jerk.  I can go up to someone and tell her that she is fat yet what does it accomplish.  It is mean spirited and really serves no purpose other than to harm her.  Sure, it might be true but is woefully unnecessary.  It shows extreme disrespect for the other person in addition to ourselves.  When we behave like this we are telling the world, or at least all within hearing distance, that we have no control over our mouths (usually stemming from the inability to control our emotions).  The key is to learn to respond as opposed to reacting.  Reacting is nothing more than a knee-jerk reaction whereas responding means you put some thought into what you are saying. 

For Yourself

The final area where respect is applicable and necessary is as it pertains to oneself.  I see so many who tolerate behavior which is completely unacceptable.  Whatever the cause, there simply is no reason for it.  Whenever I see a situation such as this, the thought that enters my mind is "have some respect for yourself and get out of it".  Of course, this is easy to paint with a broad brush since situations tend not to be that easy.  However, the main point is there.

No matter what you are in this lifestyle, master, dominant, sub, or slave, have some respect for yourself.  This means that you do not have to tolerate behavior that you find intolerable.  It is well within your right to tell the other person to stop or get lost.  We all should have standards of conduct which we accept.  Anything that falls short of that behavior should be mentioned and eliminated.  There is no reason for you to deal with anything that is unacceptable, especially on a repeated basis.  I do not care what he (usually) states is your place.  A BDSM relationship is one built upon many factors and trust is one of them.  If a dominant is going to continually do things which are unacceptable to a sub, that trust diminishes instantly.  There is no prospect of long term success under these conditions.  Nevertheless. too many "geniuses" overlook this simple point.

There are a lot of abusers out there who prey upon the naive and innocent.  The BDSM world attracts them in droves because it provides an ideal forum where a guy with woman issues can take it out physically and mentally.  This is what turns a BDSM interaction into abuse.  The intent to harm or inflict pain in a manner that is not desired is their main objective.  In short, they want to hurt another (and bad in some instances).  Many fall into this trap since they do not have the proper respect for themselves.  Hold yourself to high esteem and realize you are worthy of treatment that is not abusive.  If you fail to respect yourself, others will follow suit.  Therefore, for you own fulfillment and safety, it is crucial that you respect yourself.  Besides, there is no reason not to.

DN 

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