August 8, 2014

What The Hell Do You Want?

This post is a direct result of reading hundreds of profiles online.  After going through this, I am often left with the question, what the hell does she want?  In other words, what is being sought.  The reason I bring this up is simply because few seem to have any clue whatsoever.  Of course, this is not surprising since so many seem to be playing games as opposed to seeking something real and genuine.

To Thine Own Self Be True

This is a line from Shakespeare that still holds true 400 years later.  It is YOUR responsibility to be true to yourself and what it is you desire.  The world offers many things to you yet it is your place to decide exactly what you seek.  Failure to do this leads to confusion and a total lack of clarity.  We see this everyday in the BDSM world.

I often write how one's journey into BDSM starts by going within oneself to uncover what is there.  Few, in their vanilla life, ever took the time to do this.  Sure, most fantasized over the years.  However, as we know, this is only a small piece of a much larger puzzle.  At the same time, romance novels, especially of the BDSM variety, can create some wonderful ideas which most often are unrealistic (stop seeking the billionaire dominant like in 50 Shades...he most likely does not exist).  Getting to know oneself is crucial if you are to have any success in the BDSM world.  The reason for this is simple: BDSM is such a wide-open lifestyle that people basically have unlimited choices.  This is a marked difference from society which often limits our choices which, while enslaving, is also comforting.  Being able to choose whatever one desires means being responsible in those choices.

Therefore, when one looks within him or herself, it is vital that all aspects and desires are sought.  Of course, it is important to bear in mind that a lot will change as the years go by.  Nevertheless, we all need to start somewhere knowing that this is an undertaking which will continue repeatedly over time.  A good question to ask oneself is "what the hell do I want?".  Believe it or not, this is something that few do.  Rarely does a person know what he or she desires.  Without searching, we are left to the programming we received from society.  Sadly, what might hold true in the vanilla world is not always applicable to a BDSM relationship even though we are dealing with a relationship.


Another point that closely relates to this is the ones who post how they are "looking for the perfect dominant" or the "right slave".  I have news for you, this person does not exist.  To prove this point, I will point to all you people who were married, especially those multiple times.  Isn't it true that each of your spouses, at one time, was the "right" one.  At the start of the relationship, this is true.  Naturally, by the time the divorce proceedings took place, an entirely different viewpoint is present.  Far eastern philosophies sum this up by simply stating that we do not fall in love with a person but the image we have created of the person.  Over time, as we get to know him or her (read live under the same roof), the image is shattered and replaced with a different reality.  Hence the idealism we once had is smashed.

Understanding this point is important in one's quest.  You can hold out for the perfect or right individual or internalize that this person does not exist so opting for this path means waiting a long time.  Perhaps that is why there are so many out there who truly seek something genuine but do not have it.  Holding out for the perfect person means that you might miss a number of ones who are ideal, albeit flawed, for you.

Now, please understand I am not saying that one should shed his or her standards.  Once you do the internal search to seek something in particular, hold yourself to that.  Too many people allow fear and loneliness to enter into their thinking.  The profiles I respect are the ones who state that they are holding out until they find what they seek.  While there are many who are hung up on the perfection, there are also equally the same number who are simply refusing to lower their standards.  Once again, when loneliness sets in and it seems the entire world is in a relationship, one is apt to try and push things forward.  This usually means succumbing to that internal struggle by getting involved with someone who is not up to par. 

So, while perfection is not something that should be sought, neither should one submit to just any Tom,Dick, or Harry simply because she is lonely.  You can find what you are seeking with enough time and patience.  Sure it is difficult yet it is far easier if you have a clue what it is you want in the first place.

Therefore, in closing, it might be best to take out a piece of paper and answer this question: what the hell do I want from my life in BDSM?  Answer this and you are well on your way to achieving that end.


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Desireous on August 8, 2014 at 9:17 AM said...

This kind of hit home as I've been struggling with this question for awhile and lately the only answer I come up with is that perhaps my sexuality is too broad to fit neatly into a little box with a label. Still I do try to define what I specificaly want from each type and do agree that it is confusing out there and people aren't specific. Maybe they too just aren't that sure.


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