August 21, 2014

Full Time Commitment

This is going to be a short, post of a topic that came to my mind early this morning.

I often write how the first commitment that one needs to make is to the lifestyle.  Too many want to immediately get into a BDSM relationship before truly learning what this is all about.  At the same time, they use their first relationship to determine whether BDSM is for them or not.  As much as this might seem logical, what would the world look like if everyone decided their heterosexuality based upon their first vanilla relationship?  I hypothesize that most would turn away from it since we all know that few of us ever remain with our "first love".

Being committed to this way of life means that you are willing to persist no matter what comes up.  Obviously, we see this is crucial when dealing with all the pretenders online.  Yes they can wear on a person.  However, it is only through persisting that one can truly realize what he or she is seeking which is a BDSM relationship.  Giving up is not the pathway to that end.

At the same time, this idea enters into the picture when one is involved with another person.  The simple truth is that life, no matter what the lifestyle choice, can be difficult.  There are times when we are all tired.  We also encounter periods of high stress.  Financial burdens can really weigh a person down and he or she is apt to take that out on another.  Finally, we enter states where we are over emotional.  This is a basic fact of our human existence and becoming a slave or master does not alter this reality.

However, what it does mean is that we also are not absolved of our responsibilities.  Pertaining to BDSM, when we enter into a relationship, there are a number of things that each person is responsible for.  A slave has specific duties which are expected to be fulfilled regardless of what her "state" is.  Certainly, there is room for leeway if one is ill but the basic message is that she needs to fulfill her responsibilities regardless of how she "feels".  The same holds true for the master.  His responsibility is equally, but no more, important to the success of the relationship.  His slave is depending upon him to fulfill certain roles that she cannot herself.  Her dependence upon him means that he doesnt get to shy away from his responsibilities either.  We all understand he is tired yet being involved in a BDSM relationship is a full time commitment.

Please do not misunderstand me.  There needs to be flexibility in a relationship, even one of this nature.  The simple premise is that one is not always going to be feeling well and this applies equally to masters and slaves.  Sometimes, backing off is the best thing one can do for another.  Often, unless one is communicating, we do not know what is going through his or her mind.  Perhaps there is something more serious than we know.  Yes, a BDSM relationship offers the platform for open communication but we are still human.  There are times when a master or slave will not reveal something.  At times there might be a good reason for it, others maybe not.  Either way, there are often underlying conditions which make someone shut down.  Times such as this means that one is not likely to be willing to give his or her all to the relationship.  As long as it is a temporary situation, there is nothing wrong with giving someone a little room to work through stuff.  Again, the key word is temporary.  If this becomes prolonged, then there is an issue.

That being said, there is also the expectation that one will perform his or her responsibilities even when not feeling up to it.  Outside the situations I just mentioned, waiting until one feels submissive, as an example, before acting in that manner is not appropriate.  Hey life is tough and we all need to do things that we do not want to do.  However, it takes on a bigger role in BDSM because each party, especially the slave, is dependent upon the other.  If a master is not stepping up to the plate because he is "tired", then the slave is rather lost.  Sure she can handle her day-to-day duties but her overall growth is stunted.  The same is true of a slave is not willing to adhere to her role.  Acting sassy or bitchy just because one is in a "mood" does not bode very well.  Being tired, upset, or emotional are perfectly acceptable and expected.  However, taking it out on someone else is not, especially when that person is the one you are involved with.

One final thought on this.  Emotional control is one of the biggest parts of a successful BDSM relationship and one of the major growth areas that all need to strive for.  It is easy to lash out when we are feeling anger or down.  Nevertheless, this is inappropriate behavior on every level.  Mastery means being able to control oneself, emotionally.  Yet, this idea does not only apply to masters.  Slaves need to strive for this end also.  Too many people do hurtful things to those they care about simply because they are "out of control".  People become puppets to their emotions/feelings.  A spiritual concept is that "feelings are not facts".  It is something we choose often based upon conditioning.  The simple test of this is to look at two people in the same work environment who are side-by-sde.  One person is stressed out while the other enjoying him/herself even though the work load is the same.  Why is that?  The answer is because one person chooses to feel stress while another opts for something else.  Therefore, each of us needs to learn to control ourselves emotionally to prevent undue pain caused upon others.  Yes this is a difficult task but growing up is never easy.

Maturity is doing what we need to do even when we do not want to do it.  Anyone with children knows how they are the exact opposite.  A child will not do his/her homework until forced.  Instead, playing takes a higher priority.  BDSM is the same way.  There are times when you have to put your anger, upset, tiredness, overwhelm, and stress aside and do what is required of you.  If you want to enjoy the benefits of being in a BDSM relationship and having someone fulfill their responsibilities to you, then you must be willing to do the same, no matter what your "state" at the present moment.  A BDSM relationship, like any other, is a full-time commitment.  We do not have the luxury of only doing those things when we want to. 


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Betsy T on August 21, 2014 at 6:54 PM said...

Well said! It's also important to communicate that you are feeling off instead of just ignoring someone or acting out. Otherwise the other persons mind can run wild with possibilities.

I just stumbled across your blog and I am very impressed! I love to get a male Dominants opinion especially when the are one of the good ones. I look forward to following your journey..

Dennis Najee on August 22, 2014 at 5:51 AM said...

Thank you Betsy.

Yes it is always good to get the alternate perspective. My main goal is to provide quality information about this way of life without the garbage that is so common.

I am glad you are a new reader. Thank you for the kind words.

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