Consistency: Crucial For A Dominant

Today is going to be a short post on a subject that I find extremely important.  Many like to write and discuss all the things a submissive is going to do for her dominant.  However, few want to delve into the other side of the equation.  Within a BDSM relationship, both parties have equal responsibility to give to the relationship.  Many seem to believe since we are involved in power exchange, that somehow that means (one) the dominant receives all the benefit.  Wrong.  Each person has a role to fulfill within the relationship and failure to provide that will increase the chance of the failing of the relationship taking place.

To me, a critical component of what a dominant provides to one he owns is consistency.  This is something that cannot be overlooked for the simple fact it will become something she can count upon.  There is nothing more difficult than for a submissive to constantly be guessing what emotional state she will encounter when seeing her dominant.  Since she is in the position to follow, she is taking her cues from him.  This means that if he is erratic, her behavior cannot help but to be the same.

I have no idea how many times I wrote this but I will do it again: before one can dominate or control another, he first much dominate/control himself.  So many miss this basic point.  They believe that having the quality of domination at one's core and reading a few websites equates to being able to dominate another human being.  This is absolute garbage.  Only those who are in control of themselves are able to properly carry that to another person.

Therefore, it is crucial for a dominant to be consistent in all he does with his submissive.  This starts with emotional control and avoiding the highs and lows of it all.  A submissive will fare much better when she knows what is walking through the door and not having to guess how he will react.  Also, a dominant should be consistent with his goals/objectives for her.  Failure to do so will create the proverbial moving target which is almost impossible to hit.  Finally, when things go wrong, he must be consistent with his discipline of her when it is warranted.  If she feels she can get away with things, she will either lose respect for him or test where the moving boundaries are, neither of which is a pleasant situation.  Consistency eliminates these problems.

A submissive will do much better when her dominant behaves in a consistent manner over time.  This fact is magnified when one is involved in a TPE M/s situation where power over all things resides in the hands of the master.  Uncertainty on any level is never a good thing for a slave and it is compounded when it is caused by the master's actions.  He is there to provide her clarity, not add to her burdens.

Therefore, begin to focus upon how you can be consistent in all you do.  It is always best to remember that a sub/slave is watching everything you do and listening to what you say.  Everything you do impacts her while making an imprint upon her psyche.  Consistency is imperative if you are going to ensure the impact is not negative.  And, as we all know, it is impossible to take back words (or undo actions) once they are released.

DN  

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Approaching Online

Today I am going to write about something that seems to be a universal truth across the online BDSM world.  I really do not care what site it is on, who is involved, or the ages of the people participating, this happens repeatedly and almost every submissive individual will back me up on this.  Of course, since Dominants tend not to read, it is highly unlikely that many are going to be helped.  Nevertheless, I will put it in writing and maybe a few of you will find this beneficial.

The First Email

People on BDSM dating sites, like vanilla ones, tend to approach someone via email.  This makes sense since we are in the virtual world.  If I was an offline dating expert, this would be called the approach.  Therefore, we must take into consideration what approach we use to garner one's attention.

Before going any further, let us look at two kinds of emails that submissive ones normally receive.

"Hello slut.  You are meant to serve me.  Contact me back to begin your new life as a piece of meat."

Now we all know this is the stupid "on your knees, bitch" garbage.  Regardless of the terminology used, and it gets worse than this, the point is the same.  Who in their right mind thinks that anyone with any sense would respond to this.  Simply by sending this you are showing yourself to either be an ignorant ass or an abuser who will care nothing for the person(s) you are approaching.  So, I really do not need to elaborate on this one anymore.

The second is something like this:

"Hello. You are a very sexy woman and I would be honored to own you.  I am a 52 year old dominant who is seeking a long term 24/7 relationship with a slave.  I have 20 years experience owning 2 real time slaves over those years.  My style is firm yet caring.  I believe a slave has no rights other than what is granted to her by the Master.  Check out my profile and message me back if there is an interest."

Now, the second one is much better than the first but it still sucks.  And do you know why?  The answer is simply because a submissive is receiving hundreds of emails exactly like this.  You are one of the many.  Everyone is telling her how old he is, what is sought, and how long in the lifestyle.  In other words, there is no meat to what you are saying nor is there any personality.

Therefore, we need to do something to "wow" her.  It is baffling to me how many people think because we entered the world of BDSM that it is something akin to the Twilight Zone.  Do people not realize that the interpersonal skills acquired throughout life are applicable here?  Evidently not.  Nevertheless, we need to do something different to capture our perspective submissive's attention.

Individualize

Our solution is going to be to individualize our message to her.  The aforementioned example is an email that sounds more like one is applying for a job rather than seeking a perspective partner in a relationship.  A lot of the information contained in it should already be posted on the profile.  If you are able to separate yourself from the dumbmasses, she will click your profile and gather all the data on you.  It is at that point when she will decide whether to email you back or not.  My point it is much better for her to decide after reading your profile as opposed to simply deleting your email since you are like the other 150 she received that day.

So how do we go about doing this?  Well, I am going to provide some advanced, high quality maneuvers for online BDSM interaction and how to really get the golden prize.  Follow these secret tips and you will see your success rate jump considerably.

The first secret which is not shared openly with the masses since it is almost never done is to read her profile.  And when I say read, that means focus upon what she wrote and not the picture(s) posted.  If you travel around clicking on different profiles, you will see one of the most common complaints from subs/slaves is that people do not read the profile.  Reading the profile often will reveal useful information such as what she is looking for.  If she is looking for interaction with another woman and you have something hanging down between you legs, no matter how small it is, that disqualifies you.  Sending her an email will only piss her off.  So read the damn profile, it is pack full of nuggets of gold that she is freely giving to you.

Once we read the profile, our next step is to actually focus upon something she wrote.  Take one of those golden nuggets that strikes a cord with you and write a paragraph about it in your email.  So, for example, if she wrote about painting and this is something you have experience in, write her mentioning how you spent two weeks one year at a painter's retreat in Sedona, AZ (if you truly did this).  This shows you actually read what she wrote and that automatically separates you from the masses.

The entire point of this is that you are to treat her as an individual.  Concentrating your attention upon a like (or a dislike) that she has is a wonderful way to open up a conversation.  It gives her a reason to email you back even if she is not totally bowled over by your profile.  Also, it establishes a connection or some common ground for further interaction even if it ultimately does not lead to D/s.  It is a common trait that we like to interact with those we share like interests with. 

Once we do that, we put together a second paragraph telling her a bit about ourselves based upon what she wrote in her profile.  If she mentions, for example, that she is relatively new, you can tell her that you entered this way of life in 2005 at which time you were initially trained by a monkey (if you really were trained by a monkey..honesty is important).  Relate how you understand some of the confusion at being new (empathy is a great way to connect) and that you are grateful you had the monkey to show you the proper path to take.  If you are adept at it, perhaps add a little humor in but I must warn you, this is a dangerous technique to use.  Be mindful of the fact that you are using email where intent is hard to decipher.  Instead of coming off funny, you might come across as an ass if you are not careful.

At this point, stop.  Do not send more than two paragraphs.  As I mentioned, some of these subs are getting hundreds of emails a day.  They do not have the time nor the inclination to read a book that you write and fill her inbox with.  A thousand word essay detailing your life is going to get deleted very quickly.

Copy/Paste

I just wrote a section on individualizing yet I feel the need to mention this subject.  There are many out there who copy/paste a form email they wrote and send it to all submissives they encounter.  This is the numbers game approach.  If they can get in the inbox earlier than everyone else, they have a chance of nailing the prize.  The drawback to this is it goes against everything I just wrote.  There is no personalizing of the email (no simply writing her username is not personalization).  This means she is not being treated as an individual as much as a bulk mail recipient. 

Another problem with this idea is there is a tendency for people to write the thousand word essays I just mentioned.  When one takes the time to write out a book once, then it takes little effort to copy/paste it everywhere.  While this might make sense to the individual, quite frankly the submissive does not care about it.  She has no reason to read all that stuff.  Again, until her attention is captured on some level, she is not going to waste her time.

Once again, I cannot stress this enough: the intent is to show her that we understand she is an individual.  Those who copy/paste are advertising the fact that he is a) lazy and b) does not really care about her.  She is just one of the many who he is throwing a line to in an effort to see who bites.  Trust me, I have seen these emails from subs and this is exactly what they scream.  So resist this temptation at all costs.

The final point that I want to make is that all are worthy of respect.  Do not write anything that resembles the first email I mentioned.  This is not prudent and will get you instantly classified as a fake.  In fact, I detail this more in this post, I suggest you read it:

 http://dennisnajee.blogspot.com/2014/05/acting-like-everyone-owes-you-something.html

As always, be smart in all you do.

DN

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Discipline

It seems that punishment gets a bad rap in the BDSM world.  After much research, it is obvious to me that the reason this is so is because it is the favored activity of the abusers.  I cannot stress enough that BDSM is an umbrella that many abusers hide under.  They are not into this lifestyle but, rather, using it as a way to find women to beat stating that it is part of the submission.  The belief that one has to take all that a dominant has to offer is commonplace.  Unfortunately, this is the exact thing the abusers exploit.

Discipline

To properly talk about the subject of punishment, we must expand our views and look at discipline.  Ultimately, this is the area that one needs to concentrate upon since punishment is a part of this.  The larger picture is what provides us with the clarity.

So what is discipline?  Most of us believe we know what it is but it really has a few meanings which are applicable at this point.  According to Merriam-Webster discipline is defined as follows:

: control that is gained by requiring that rules or orders be obeyed and punishing bad behavior
: a way of behaving that shows a willingness to obey rules or orders

: behavior that is judged by how well it follows a set of rules or orders

 Reading through these definitions leads us to the conclusion that there are two parts to this idea.  The first starts with having a set of rules which are to be obeyed.  Anyone in BDSM can understand this.  The dominant or master establishes a protocol and rules which one needs to adhere to.  When these are not followed, one option, by the definition, is punishment.   

The other part of these definition is the willingness to obey rules or orders.  To me, this takes on a slightly different approach when one takes it in the light of self-discipline.  Under this method, one takes the action required without stimulus from the outside.  The motivation comes from within.  We can see this in the area of weight loss and exercise where some can do it on their own while others needs trainers to get them taking action.  Much in the same way, hopefully a sub/slave is self motivated to adherer to the rules established by the dominant without him having to continually look over her shoulder.  Naturally, there are times when he will have to step in and take corrective action.  

Which brings us to our next point.

Punishment

As was stated, punishment is a part of discipline.  When one does not adhere to the rules, punishment is certainly an option.  Many subs/slaves will only respond to punishment.  However, this is not the only option available to a dominant and should be used in the proper manner.

Before going any further, I believe it is crucial to clarify what the goal of punishing is.  Many overlook this simple idea never consider what the outcome is suppose to be.  The reason one punishes, and the only reason, is to correct or amend action.  That is the goal, to correct the action taken so it is not repeated in the future.  Naturally, the abusers do not care about this since their goal is only to inflict pain.  Therefore, one way to distinguish a true dominant from an abuser is to ask him why he punishes and what the goal is.  An abuser will talk about beating ass whereas one who is genuine talks about changing behavior.

Another thing to bear in mind is there are a host of options available in the area of punishment.  Too many jump to the conclusion that punishing means beating.  It does not.  Certainly, this can be an useful choice in many situations.  However, there are a host of other ways to go about it.  Some other ideas are:

-having her stand in the corner holding up a ping pong ball with her nose.
-removing indoor bathroom privileges.
-having her sleep on the floor
-making her eat nothing but bread and water for a day or two
-eating her food out of a bowl on the floor like an animal
-not allowing her to socialize with her friends (the traditional grounding)
-having her kneel on rice

All of these options provide one with options to alter behavior.  One thing that must be mentioned is that the punishment must mirror the infraction.  In other words, too many want to give one 75 swats with a paddle until she passes out for something minor.  They simply have an idea in mind and are going to implement it no matter what is done.  Again, this is abusive and not responsible domination.  Therefore, a true dominant will have a full arsenal of punishments at his disposal while judiciously applying them when needed.

Which brings me to the final point.  Punishment is meant to alter behavior, specifically future behavior.  In essence, a sub/slave did a particular action which he does not want repeated in the future.  Hence, the need for behavior modification.  Punishment is one avenue.  However, I want to bring up another point.  Perhaps there is no need to punish.  The goal is to modify the behavior and it is possible that simply bringing up your disappointment to her is enough to get her to change.  It also could be there was a miscommunication upon your part as to what the expectation was.  Either way, often simply talking about it will change the behavior removing the need for punishment.  Remember, it is all included in discipline, getting her to adhere to a set of rules or orders you establish.  How that is accomplished is secondary.

In closing, it is crucial to always remember what the goal is and the best way to achieve that end.  Yes there are times when a more stern approach is necessary.  Some lessons are vital and perhaps a harsh punishment is the only way to drive the point home.  However, one must balance the weight of the infraction with the level of punishment needed to get said point home.  This is what using power responsibly is all about.

DN

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Equality

Over the years, I wrote on a number of different occasions how equality is a myth.  This idea does not exist in the natural world.  Nature operates upon the premise of "survival of the fittest".  Even in BDSM, we establish our relationships based upon the unequal division of power.  Especially when we consider TPE situations, the power base is resident heavily in favor of one party.

So why do I bring all this up?  Quite simply, I am now going to write something that I view as a basic component that most miss in the BDSM world: the equality of a submissive.

Better Than One

Too many dominants operate from the belief they are better than the submissives.  We see this clearly in their approach.  They interact with submissive types like they are a lower species.  Respect is not something they give.  Hell, they fail to even give the most basic of courtesy instead opting to act like barbaric a**holes.  Emails sent without provocation calling one slut, cunt, whore and a host of other demeaning names exemplifies this point.  For some reason, they feel this behavior is acceptable simply because one chooses to call herself "submissive".  It is not.

BDSM is about a hierarchical structure of power.  It is not about one person being better than the other.  Each person in the relationship has a role to fulfill.  Through the exchange of power, we see the establishment of those roles clearly.  The individual responsibilities are clearly marked with each offering up service (yes dominants/masters provide service) to fulfill the other.  This exchange of power creates a situation of inequality in terms of the power but that is all.

Another central idea is that so many of the dominants we see operating, especially online, believe they are worth more than a submissive.  This is also equally incorrect.  It took a while for me to realize while I detest the "submission as a gift" idea.  Ultimately, it comes down to the fact that when one proclaims this, she is establishing herself as better than another.  Well, if that is true, my domination is also a gift.  I wonder how well received it would be if dominants suddenly started posting in their profiles that their domination is a gift that they are looking for a submissive to receive and cherish.  The bottom line is neither are gifts because a gift is given expecting nothing in return.  When one submits to another (or dominates) there is an expectation of receiving something back (usually domination and submission).  Hence, we see, that both pieces are needed.

Two Sides Of The Same Coin

I view domination and submission just opposite sides of the same coin.  Like many traditional philosophies or disciplines, it takes both the "yin and the yang".  You cannot have one without the other.  Both are required to complete the whole.  Without each performing its specific task, the other is worthless.

So, getting back to our egotistical, "I am better than you subbie" type dominants, let me ask a question:.  What are the chances that your wonderful domination is worth a damn unless anyone submits?  In other words, how can you dominate without a submissive?  The answer is you cannot.  It is the same as those who espouse how wonderful their submission is.  Well, try to operate based upon that without a dominant.  It simply does not work.  The whole is incomplete. 

Therefore, contrary to popular belief, being dominant is not better than being submissive.  At the same time, a dom/master is not worth more than a submissive/slave.  Quite simply, they are different.  They each approach the situation (relationship) from opposite perspectives.  The power exchange creates an inequitable situation but that does not alter each person's worth and value to the relationship.  Both are equally important.  If you do not believe me, please explain how you can exist and reach fulfillment without the other.  The bottom line is this cannot happen.  It is impossible.  A dominant needs someone to dominate and a submissive needs someone to submit to.  There is no relationship if there is only one party involved.

Remember this idea the next time you run across the dominant crackpots online.  If one is speaking in an inappropriate manner, simply as him why he feels he has a right to do that.  When he replies because he is dominant, ask him on what planet that suddenly elevates him to a level of worth above a submissive?  No matter what he answers, tell him to show you how much value his domination has without you (or anyone else) submitting to him.  Damn I would like to be a fly on the wall for that one.

DN  

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The Search For A Dominant

One of the main reasons I travel around the Internet checking out profiles on the BDSM "dating" sites is to garner material to write about.  People are so open about what they are experiencing and since the same patterns seem to evolve, it is rather easy to get a grasp on what is occurring within the lifestyle.

That being said, once in a while I come across something that I had not considered or seen before.  It is times like these which I pay special attention.  Information like this is priceless in terms of understanding what this lifestyle (at least online) is all about.

Stacked Odds

We all know the odds of what we are dealing with on any of these online sites.  The number of fakes, con artists, and outright liars online is well documented.  Even on here, I continually write about my conclusions statistically with what we are encountering.  Overall, I feel we are only able to interact on a genuine level with 10% of the people.  That is all that are both real and genuine.  Of course, from that number we need to eliminate all those who are not compatible or do not match our criteria.  Hence, the odds are stacked against us from a numbers perspective.

What is interesting is that I am now beginning to understand the numbers game that the submissives have to deal with.  While the odds, in general, are not stacked in our favor, it is even worse for the subs/slaves.  While this might seem contrary on the surface, I will show you exactly what I mean.

Looking at the numbers online, it would appear there are a ton more dominants/masters than submissives.  The sheer number of profiles probably is a 3 to 1 if not a 4 to 1 ratio.  This gets even worse when one considers the numbers of emails that a sub/slave receives.  It is not uncommon for a new profile to get hit up by hundreds of emails.  The sheer numbers leads one to conclude that dominants are around in huge numbers.  What is interesting is the reverse is no where near true.  Dominants do not get a ton of emails.  And, in checking the same sites repeatedly, the numbers are not really that large with the profiles being mostly the same people who were on there for years.

But is this really reality?  Are there really a ton of dominants out there all waiting to be chosen by a sub/slave?  If this were the case, with the numbers being true, then why would there be any subs/slaves online without a relationship unless they did not want one?  If one looks at things from this viewpoint, it certainly raises some concerns.

Domination

Before going any further, it is best to take a look at what domination really is to gain some clarity as to what is truly desired by the submissive types who are online.  Domination is a quality that is within one.  I believe it is something that is natural for that person (just like submission) and not something they have to acquire.  It simply is there.  One needs not create this as much as uncover it about himself.  It is something that resides in his core and is exposed only after an internal search.

That being said, being dominant does not make one dominant.  What do I mean by this?  Domination is a quality or characteristic which is within oneself.  However, simply having this does not give one the ability to dominate another.  In other words, it takes a great deal more to control someone than just having this quality about oneself.  This is where the masses go awry.  Too many believe that having the natural domination equates to being a master.  It does not.  Mastery, by its very definition, is a study.  It is the acquiring of knowledge and expertise.  In other words, it takes years of practice to fully evolve to the point where one can adequately own another.

To truly own another, it takes an incredible amount of control.  Now most are going to jump to the conclusion of controlling the other.  That is not the starting point.  To own someone else, one must first be able to control himself.  This is done through the understanding of oneself.  Studies of the ancient disciplines could uncover a great deal.  So could psychology and other personal development genres.  Depending upon how one wants to structure a relationship, perhaps understanding of certain financial principles is necessary (like spend less than you earn).  Finally, the ability to listen, process information, and make decisive choices is also paramount.  I can add to the list but you get the point.  It takes a lot to become a "dominant".

Therefore, if we apply this standard to all those people online, how do you think the numbers would look then?  My conclusion is the field gets narrowed down a great deal.  And this is why I am certain there are so many worthwhile subs/slaves who are unowned or not in the relationship they desire in spite of the hundreds of emails they receive.  Almost all of them are worth nothing.  They are from people who are pretending to be something they are not.

The Search

The profile that grabbed my attention which motivated this post was written with the submissive in mind.  It was a basic outline of how to deal with dominants online.  The writer mentioned the numbers (or similar) as to what I wrote here.  In short, he or she was pointing out that there is a 90% chance that the dominant that one is interacting with is not real.  Therefore, if he does something that makes you question or raises your flags, then let him go.  There is only a minimal chance he was real to start based upon the percentages.  And along this line of thinking, I agree.  It is pointless to be attached to someone who is not real.  This scenario only creates misery and pain.  It is best to let the person go when the warning signs are there.  We all heard the horror stories about how badly things can turn out.  Rape, assault, and even worse are all scenarios we hear about on occasion.  It is imperative that a sub/slave always protect herself.

However, even with that, I will offer up a differing point from what was written.  Please bear in mind I agree with the premise and the overall view that was expressed.  What I am going to uncover requires navigating a fine line for which there is no clear model to follow.  Nevertheless, I feel it important for one to consider this when making a decision whether to cut a potential dominant lose or not.

Here is my question:  what if he is real and genuine?  While the odds are stacked against one, what if this individual is in the 10% that I mentioned.  If the person is real, perhaps cutting him lose is the wrong move.  Sure, there might be something which makes one unsure and caution is a good thing.  However, how many times is one acting based upon past experiences which did not work out well.  It is easy to have a prejudicial view when one dealt with 4 or 5 fakes consecutively.  Yet, is this person grasping at reality or simply implementing her viewpoint upon the situation?

I will answer this question simply by stating that I have been accused of being fake and a pretender.  There are submissives which I interacted with who felt I was not real.  One even went so far as to accuse me of being married which, if you know my view on that institution, would make you laugh.  What is ironic is these individuals had the link to this blog.  Let's be serious, it is easy to plagiarize a profile by copying and pasting from someone else.  However, the likelihood that I could do this with 600 blog post spread over 5 or 6 years is not great.  Simply reading through 25-50 posts will reveal how I view this lifestyle.  Nevertheless, these women still drew the conclusion that I was a fake and not worthy of interaction.

So was their decision correct?  The answer is possibly.  There is no certainty that we would have been a match and that there was any compatibility.  It takes a lot more for a successful BDSM relationship than just one person being dominant and another submissive.  However, these individuals simply nixed any potential based upon conclusions in their minds which were incorrect.  A decision such as this means that one is stuck having to continue the search when what she is seeking was right in front of her.

Therefore, when one tosses aside a potentially good candidate, she is limiting her possibilities severely.  When we look at the true numbers, it is easy to conclude that the number of true dominants far out number the submissives.  Sure, there are a lot more pic gatherers, sex only, abusers, con artists, and liars which skew the numbers.  However, how many really are interested in dealing with these types?  Thus, if the numbers are so stacked against you (presuming you are one who wants something real), then you might want to think twice about simply casting that dominant aside simply because he doesn't seem real.  I grant there is a 90% chance he is not yet there is still a 10% chance he is.  Perhaps further investigation is required.

My regular readers know that I value safety as one of the main concerns a dominant has.  I also believe that submissives have to take care of themselves especially when unowned.  Safety is personal and one cannot abdicate that responsibility to someone she is unsure of.  It simply is not prudent to do this.  When searching, great care is required.  However, it needs to be balanced with the idea that you do not have all the answers and it is impossible to size someone up from a few emails or im conversations.  Caution is always required.  Yet some leeway is also a good thing.  It is easy to misinterpret things, especially online.  Our modern communication methods are wonderful yet it is often difficult to interpret meaning via text.  Much is lost when one does not have the advantage of inflection.  That is why I always advocate moving to traditional communication methods (telephone or face-to-face) when one feels it safe and appropriate.

In conclusion, I want people to take heed of the message I am delivering today.  It is a difficult road to navigate when dealing online.  There is so much garbage out there that we are sifting through the landfill with tweezers.  Prudence is required at all times.  Nevertheless, if you are seeking a true BDSM relationship and something that is lasting/deep with someone, then you are going to have to consider every possibility.  We are looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack.  Please do not misunderstand me and think I am telling you to lower your standards or alter what you seek.  I am not.  What I am saying is be slow to discount someone as a fake or pretender unless it is real obvious.  The numbers simply mandate this.  It appears that dominants are not a dime a dozen (neither are slaves but that is for another post).  To throw yourself back into the online BDSM mess without careful consideration of what you are interacting with could mean your search is prolonged a great deal longer.

One final thought which sticks out in my mind.  There is one interaction which I still carry with me.  This individual was experienced in the lifestyle yet discounted me as a fake.  As I stated earlier, this blog was available to her.  Her experience was she had 3 "masters' who really did a number on her.  She really had a rough go of it and did have every reason to be cautious.  These individuals did things which I never would dream of.  Yet she decided to call me a fake and discount me simply because I did not utilize her method of verification.  Hence, she will continue in the same cycle most likely sifting through a ton of emails from the game players we all know and despise.  And, sadly, if she gets into another BDSM relationship, the odds are she will find herself another creep.  Again, the statistics are what lead to this conclusion.  A lack of compatibility might have killed any interaction we had......or it might not....she will never know.

DN 

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Sabotaging Oneself Through Fear

"Only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -Franklin D. Roosevelt

This is one of the most famous lines ever uttered.  Most people around the world, in the Western Countries at least, have heard the immortal word of President Roosevelt in his inaugural address in the early 1930s.  When you consider what the United States (and the world for that matter) was suffering from, the Great Depression, this was a bold statement.  Basically he was telling everyone that, while conditions were undeniably bad, the fact that people were fearful was engaging in a belief system which would further compound the problem.  Fear is a powerful weapon and Roosevelt knew this.  

Imaginary

The problem with fear is that it does not exist.  What you say?  How can fear not exist?  It is something that we experience almost on a daily basis?  Sadly, this is what most people believe.  Fear is not something we experience but, rather, what we create.  It is an illusion of the mind.  Nothing concrete is present when we experience fear.  It is an irrational emotional creation meant to prohibit us from moving forward in some manner.  Ultimately, fear paralyzes and destroys.

Before going any further, I must explain some things about fear.  Fear is a natural occurrence in the body.  It is part of the defense mechanism designed to keep us safe.  This is evident in the "fight or flight" response when one is placed in a dangerous situation.  In this case, the physical manifestation is realized through the heightening of senses, increased adrenaline, and an overall feeling of power.  Naturally, this is useful if we are in a situation where physical danger exists.  Our ancestors used this in the primitive days when attacked by wild animals.  When encountering a bear, it is helpful to have all the assistance from within you can get.  In this instance, flight would most likely be the better option.  Either way, fear is a helpful and useful quality.

However, we need to compare this to what most of us conjure up in our minds.  We do not encounter circumstances like this on a daily basis.  Instead, we fear a host of things which might or might not come true.  Look at some of the common fears people experience: fear of failure, rejection, public speaking, commitment, loss, embarrassment, and death.  Notice I said might or might not happen.  We truly have no way of knowing what we fear is going to materialize (more on this in a second).  A truth about life is that we do not know what is going to happen in the future whether we are looking 10 minutes from now or 10 years.  We can project all we want, the fact remains it is nothing more than a creation of our imagination.  As Roosevelt was saying, ultimately there is nothing there.

The Past Moving Into The Future

We are a sum total of all our experiences.  Everything that occurred in your life up to this moment became a part of you.  It is present within you right now.  People have both conscious and subconscious memories.  The problem with this is that we tend not to forget.  Therefore, when we experience something we view as painful, we begin to look for ways to avoid that in the future.  Our minds starts to link up similarities in our present situation with something in the past and focuses upon the emotions realized that time.  Of course, simply because there are similarities does not mean this situation is the same.  In fact, it is impossible for any two situations in our lives to be identical.  One reason for this is because, over time, we change.  Another is that situations tend to involve different people and, as we know, no two people are alike.

Hence, what happens is people take their past and move it into the present thus affecting future decisions.  This might seem like a mouthful but when you see it in practice, clarity is easy to attain.  Take as an example online interaction.  We all know the game players, fakes, and con games that occur within the online BDSM world.  The antics of so many is legendary and well publicized.  I believe these people are very good at what they do and none of us is exempt from encountering (and falling for) their games.  In other words, we all were burnt by them in one way or another.  And, as we all know, getting burnt hurts us.  In this instance, the pain is emotional.

So what happens when after one gets torched by these individuals.  Suppose you have a sub who thought she found a real life dom and was establishing something concrete only to find out he misled her (maybe he disappears or is married or a host of other things)?  Obviously, after she gets past the pain of being crushed, she is going to be gun shy the next time she starts down a similar path with another dominant.  Her senses are going to be awakened and she will be looking for him to do things that are in alignment with a liar.  In other words, she is going to be closed off.

Before I go any further, I will say that I am by no means advocating that anyone go blindly or foolishly into any type of BDSM interaction.  Safety and caution are paramount.  There are a lot of dangerous individuals who are more than willing to harm someone emotionally and physically.  The BDSM world is full of abusers hiding under the guise of the lifestyle.  So prudence is always required.

Getting back to our sub, her past experience(s) with a BDSM interaction resulted in pain.  Now, when she is heading down the path again, her mind conjures up the previous situation and matches up the similarities.  Hence, since BDSM relationships, and the people in them, tend to mirror each other, the mind finds a great deal that is identical.  Therefore, it reaches the easy conclusion that pain is going to result.  Remember, it is taking the past and moving it into the present to affect future decisions.  In short, our subbie is going to be looking for all those areas which can cause pain.

 We Get What We Focus Upon

One of the things that I found true in life is that we get what we focus upon.  This is a belief that was passed down through the centuries.  Whether you believe in the law of attraction, the power of focus, or karma, the simple truth is where we concentrate our thoughts, results occur.  When we place emotional attention to an idea, it has a way of manifesting itself or becoming a reality.  The difficult part is that this applies equally if the idea is positive or negative.

How does this apply to what we are discussing?  As you can imagine, when one is in a state of fear, the emotional charge is high.  At the same time, the focus is not on something positive but, rather, what can go wrong.  In this state, we are simply looking for the proverbial shoe to drop.  We know it is only a matter of time.

Relating this back to our subbie, let us examine how she could behave.  Remember, she was torched in her last BDSM interaction so there is still some fresh pain there.  As she progresses with a new dominant, obviously a foundation component that is necessary is trust.  Well, let me ask you, do you think her level of trusting is going to be high?  Of course not.  Therefore, he is going to have to work extra hard to earn it.  So be it, that is par for the course.  However, what is also taking place is that she is looking for areas where he will "slip up".  What I mean by this is that her fear of dealing with a pretender or liar is going to cause her to focus upon those areas where he is lying.  Any difference between what is in her mind and what he says/does is instantly chalked up to the idea that he is fake.  But is this really the case?  In some instances it might be and that is why I caution everyone about entering into things blindly.  However, there are other realities that must always be considered.  Miscommunication occurs in every relationship no matter how deep two people go.  It simply is impossible to be clear with each other in every instance.  At the same time, we each have individual perceptions.  Often one person will say something that the other takes a particular way which is in direct opposite of what was meant.  Again, this ties into miscommunication.  People often are operating on different wave lengths.

So our subbie is looking for him to be a liar.  What do you think she will find with this mindset?  Obviously, she is going to focus upon everything that does not match up in her mind.  Hence, we see a self fulfilling prophecy.  A simple mistake or oversight becomes a lie.  Her level of trust diminishes which further complicates things.  Ultimately, the interaction ends and she posts a note on her profile about how all dominants are liars, fakes, and a**holes.  She created what she feared the most because her underlying fear led her to that conclusion.  She focused upon how this dominant she was dealing with was a fake and that is what she got (we are operating under the presumption that he is NOT a fake and has real intentions with her).  Our minds are very powerful and they can create what we fear most.

I write this based upon my experience.  As I noted earlier, everyone we encounter online, if they are around any length of time, has encountered the slime.  It is unavoidable.  Hence, if it is not dealt with, we all have "baggage" from those experiences.  Personally, I had subs tell me I was a fake, vanilla, married, and an assortment of other things (the vanilla made me laugh...if she only knew my track record with vanilla relationships).  Naturally, I am none of those things and, in terms of the fake, have a blog with 600 posts spelling out my views on this lifestyle.  Alas, the accusations came.  So why was that?  My conclusion is these people were burned and allowed their past interactions (and pain) to enter into their thinking.  Instead of being cautious they replaced it with their fear based conclusion.  Ergo, the interaction ended and they are probably still looking for a dominant.

Like A Puppet

Fear is a terrible master yet so many willingly give that power over.  They are like a puppet at the end of the strings being pulled in whatever direction the master desires.  If the puppet master says sit, they do.  Nothing is within their power.  Listening to fear is the same.  Fear makes us conclude things that might not be present.  When we do this, we make decisions that create results in our lives.  Sadly, these decisions, when caused by fear, are based upon mirages.  It is like an oasis in the desert, there is nothing there.  It is the same with us.  We conclude something and react, following the puppet masters (fear) orders to a tee.

I want you to take a second and consider how this applies in your life.  How many times did you start interacting with someone online (or in real life) and insert fear into it?  Naturally, there are times we get intuitive warnings and these are good to heed.  I want you to look past them and see the number of instances that you sabotaged something because of your fear.  On a daily basis, we see people who are afraid to lose their jobs end up losing their jobs.  We also see people who are so afraid of losing someone that they smother the person and, ultimately, run him or her off.  Perhaps you were one who is similar to the subbie I used as an example.  Have you ever concluded someone you were interacting with to be non-genuine based upon your fears only to wreck that interaction?  If so, you were a puppet run by fear.

One of the greatest fears we have is the fear of the unknown.  People like certainty in their lives.  At the same time, they want to do all they can to avoid pain.  This creates an interesting scenario because it enables the mind to shortcut conclusions in our defense.  However, it is crucial to remember that the mind's number one quest is for certainty thus it looks to maintain the status quo.  Change is something it abhors since that automatically means uncertainty.  Ergo, the mind will do whatever it can to stop you from taking action and moving into an state of uncertainty.  That is why you hesitate to contact that dominant or submissive who you are attracted to.  It is also why you resist opening yourself up (which could cause potential pain) and opting to keep another (others) out.  The aforementioned example happens on a daily basis sabotaging countless potential relationships.  Therefore, the mind paralyzes us from taking action by instilling fear in us.  This happens in all areas of our lives and BDSM is no different.

Therefore, it is up to you to understand what is going on and how to break it.  As Tony Robbins like to say, "the past does not equal the future".  It does not matter what happened in your past BDSM interactions.  Yes, I am sure you have horror stories as we all do.  Some are worse than others but the net result is the same...we felt pain.  However, just because your last one, two, or 50 BDSM relationships were crap, that does not mean the person you are presently interacting with will end the same.  Ultimately, there are plenty of good people out there (both dominant and submissive) who want something genuine.  It is just a matter of finding them.  I will admit they are not plentiful in number and that is why, if you have someone real, it is best not to sabotage it with your own fears.  This is a lesson you can apply to all areas of your life.

One final thought:  it is a fine line between being safe/cautious and allowing fear to sabotage what is transpiring.  The BDSM world is filled with people who are ill intentioned.  I would be remiss if I did not remind everyone to be careful.  However, taking caution is smart yet allowing fear, especially in those situations where physical danger is not present, to take over is a recipe for disaster.  The net result tends to lead to loneliness and not being fulfilled.

Always remember, it is a risk getting out of bed in the morning.

 DN

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Camming and Trust

I am taking a bit of a reprieve from my self imposed moratorium to put up this post.  It is something that I just came across and could be something that many others are finding to be the case.

We all know the scammers, pretenders, and con artists are prevalent online.  The BDSM world is full of these clowns.  It is one of the main reasons I started this blog so many years ago.  Sadly, no matter what is done, they will continue to exist while causing great damage in their wake.  It is the reality of our life in this medium.

That being said, one of the biggest scams out there against dominant men is the "cam scam".  This is where profiles are established with the intention of luring dominants into a cam show.  Basically, it becomes some type of pay as you go situation where a credit card or Paypal account number is given (and the account drained) to look at someone play with herself for a few minutes.  Of course, there is nothing wrong with cam shows if that is your thing and are willing to pay for it.  However, the problem arises in the fact that most who are lured in this way are unaware of what is happening. Hence the dishonesty and scamming of it all.

Another thing is that many people prefer to use cam as a means of verification of another.  While I can understand this practice, since it is hard to photoshop yourself on cam, that does not mean that people who do not cam are hiding something.  Personally, I do not cam.  This is not something I do.  I have no interest in seeing someone on cam playing with herself or simply talking.  My computers are not set up for it (if they are, I dont know how to use them).  In this sense, I am still one in the stone age if you will.  Hell, I probably should learn the medium since I would then be able to record some video blogs instead of just writing (Tony Robbins, here I come).

What this ultimately comes down to is trust.  Obviously, we all were taken for a ride in one way or another if we are around online BDSM for any length of time.  The liars and cheats out there are most commonplace than those seeking something real.  It is sad that this is our reality but it seems like it is not going to change so we should accept it.  Of course, whenever we are caught up in this situation with one of these individuals, pain is the result.  People are hurt emotionally, financially, and even physically.  It is really startling to hear some of the stories shared about what people endured.  They are truly heartbreaking while also getting one's blood boiling.  As a dominant, I, at times, want to hunt of these so-called "doms/masters" down and tie them to a bench for a few hours and allow my sadistic side to emerge.  It is truly sickening to see what some people (read abusers) do under the guise of BDSM .. Nevertheless, we know the pain that is left behind is real and can be deep.

The problem with this is that it affects one's ability to trust.  My experience is that, as one who is suited for BDSM, I really have no other choice.  The bottom line is that my life did not go very well in the vanilla "dating" scene.  Every relationship I was in was a total train wreck.  That is what happens when a square peg is tried to put in a round hole.  I found a home in BDSM, warts and all.  Therefore, even though it is a pain in the ass at times (most times) and a struggle to find those that meet my criteria, it is the only game in town for me.  What am I going to do, head over the eharmony?  I know how that would end up based upon my experience.  Not good.

So where does this leave me?  It puts me in the same boat as everyone else who met up with those situations which cause pain.  I must move on.  Getting back into the chaos that is the online BDSM world is not easy but a necessary step.  This is our mechanism for meeting people.  Yes we are dealing with the proverbial "needle in the haystack" with the hopes of finding someone genuine.  They are out there it just takes a ton of effort.  Another thing that is also required is trust.  Somehow, we need to rebuild this.  Naturally, this does not mean we take every email as gospel and that everyone is for real.  They are not.  We know the percentages and 90% of them are not in our favor.  We need to be ever mindful of this fact.  However, that does not mean everyone we come across is a liar, scammer, cheat, or swindler.  There are a great number of genuine people seeking the same as you.  Unfortunately, it requires both of you letting your guard down enough to see what can arise out of your interaction.  Again, this does not mean dive in blindly but set aside the pain of being burnt enough to see if there is any worth to the individual you are interacting with.  Even if the last 7 people you emailed/chatted/spoke with were total buttheads, that does not mean the 8th will not be your Prince Charming.  You just never know.

And do not presume just because that other individual does not cam, that he or she is a fake, liar, scammer, or cheater.  Some might simply not use that medium with there Skype, Yahoo, or Googletalk.  Just because that might be your experience in the past, that does not mean it is so in every case.  And what is sad is that your fear is causing you to walk away from someone who might have some potential for you.  You just never know.

As always be careful out there.

DN  

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