July 21, 2014

The Search For A Dominant

One of the main reasons I travel around the Internet checking out profiles on the BDSM "dating" sites is to garner material to write about.  People are so open about what they are experiencing and since the same patterns seem to evolve, it is rather easy to get a grasp on what is occurring within the lifestyle.

That being said, once in a while I come across something that I had not considered or seen before.  It is times like these which I pay special attention.  Information like this is priceless in terms of understanding what this lifestyle (at least online) is all about.

Stacked Odds

We all know the odds of what we are dealing with on any of these online sites.  The number of fakes, con artists, and outright liars online is well documented.  Even on here, I continually write about my conclusions statistically with what we are encountering.  Overall, I feel we are only able to interact on a genuine level with 10% of the people.  That is all that are both real and genuine.  Of course, from that number we need to eliminate all those who are not compatible or do not match our criteria.  Hence, the odds are stacked against us from a numbers perspective.

What is interesting is that I am now beginning to understand the numbers game that the submissives have to deal with.  While the odds, in general, are not stacked in our favor, it is even worse for the subs/slaves.  While this might seem contrary on the surface, I will show you exactly what I mean.

Looking at the numbers online, it would appear there are a ton more dominants/masters than submissives.  The sheer number of profiles probably is a 3 to 1 if not a 4 to 1 ratio.  This gets even worse when one considers the numbers of emails that a sub/slave receives.  It is not uncommon for a new profile to get hit up by hundreds of emails.  The sheer numbers leads one to conclude that dominants are around in huge numbers.  What is interesting is the reverse is no where near true.  Dominants do not get a ton of emails.  And, in checking the same sites repeatedly, the numbers are not really that large with the profiles being mostly the same people who were on there for years.

But is this really reality?  Are there really a ton of dominants out there all waiting to be chosen by a sub/slave?  If this were the case, with the numbers being true, then why would there be any subs/slaves online without a relationship unless they did not want one?  If one looks at things from this viewpoint, it certainly raises some concerns.


Before going any further, it is best to take a look at what domination really is to gain some clarity as to what is truly desired by the submissive types who are online.  Domination is a quality that is within one.  I believe it is something that is natural for that person (just like submission) and not something they have to acquire.  It simply is there.  One needs not create this as much as uncover it about himself.  It is something that resides in his core and is exposed only after an internal search.

That being said, being dominant does not make one dominant.  What do I mean by this?  Domination is a quality or characteristic which is within oneself.  However, simply having this does not give one the ability to dominate another.  In other words, it takes a great deal more to control someone than just having this quality about oneself.  This is where the masses go awry.  Too many believe that having the natural domination equates to being a master.  It does not.  Mastery, by its very definition, is a study.  It is the acquiring of knowledge and expertise.  In other words, it takes years of practice to fully evolve to the point where one can adequately own another.

To truly own another, it takes an incredible amount of control.  Now most are going to jump to the conclusion of controlling the other.  That is not the starting point.  To own someone else, one must first be able to control himself.  This is done through the understanding of oneself.  Studies of the ancient disciplines could uncover a great deal.  So could psychology and other personal development genres.  Depending upon how one wants to structure a relationship, perhaps understanding of certain financial principles is necessary (like spend less than you earn).  Finally, the ability to listen, process information, and make decisive choices is also paramount.  I can add to the list but you get the point.  It takes a lot to become a "dominant".

Therefore, if we apply this standard to all those people online, how do you think the numbers would look then?  My conclusion is the field gets narrowed down a great deal.  And this is why I am certain there are so many worthwhile subs/slaves who are unowned or not in the relationship they desire in spite of the hundreds of emails they receive.  Almost all of them are worth nothing.  They are from people who are pretending to be something they are not.

The Search

The profile that grabbed my attention which motivated this post was written with the submissive in mind.  It was a basic outline of how to deal with dominants online.  The writer mentioned the numbers (or similar) as to what I wrote here.  In short, he or she was pointing out that there is a 90% chance that the dominant that one is interacting with is not real.  Therefore, if he does something that makes you question or raises your flags, then let him go.  There is only a minimal chance he was real to start based upon the percentages.  And along this line of thinking, I agree.  It is pointless to be attached to someone who is not real.  This scenario only creates misery and pain.  It is best to let the person go when the warning signs are there.  We all heard the horror stories about how badly things can turn out.  Rape, assault, and even worse are all scenarios we hear about on occasion.  It is imperative that a sub/slave always protect herself.

However, even with that, I will offer up a differing point from what was written.  Please bear in mind I agree with the premise and the overall view that was expressed.  What I am going to uncover requires navigating a fine line for which there is no clear model to follow.  Nevertheless, I feel it important for one to consider this when making a decision whether to cut a potential dominant lose or not.

Here is my question:  what if he is real and genuine?  While the odds are stacked against one, what if this individual is in the 10% that I mentioned.  If the person is real, perhaps cutting him lose is the wrong move.  Sure, there might be something which makes one unsure and caution is a good thing.  However, how many times is one acting based upon past experiences which did not work out well.  It is easy to have a prejudicial view when one dealt with 4 or 5 fakes consecutively.  Yet, is this person grasping at reality or simply implementing her viewpoint upon the situation?

I will answer this question simply by stating that I have been accused of being fake and a pretender.  There are submissives which I interacted with who felt I was not real.  One even went so far as to accuse me of being married which, if you know my view on that institution, would make you laugh.  What is ironic is these individuals had the link to this blog.  Let's be serious, it is easy to plagiarize a profile by copying and pasting from someone else.  However, the likelihood that I could do this with 600 blog post spread over 5 or 6 years is not great.  Simply reading through 25-50 posts will reveal how I view this lifestyle.  Nevertheless, these women still drew the conclusion that I was a fake and not worthy of interaction.

So was their decision correct?  The answer is possibly.  There is no certainty that we would have been a match and that there was any compatibility.  It takes a lot more for a successful BDSM relationship than just one person being dominant and another submissive.  However, these individuals simply nixed any potential based upon conclusions in their minds which were incorrect.  A decision such as this means that one is stuck having to continue the search when what she is seeking was right in front of her.

Therefore, when one tosses aside a potentially good candidate, she is limiting her possibilities severely.  When we look at the true numbers, it is easy to conclude that the number of true dominants far out number the submissives.  Sure, there are a lot more pic gatherers, sex only, abusers, con artists, and liars which skew the numbers.  However, how many really are interested in dealing with these types?  Thus, if the numbers are so stacked against you (presuming you are one who wants something real), then you might want to think twice about simply casting that dominant aside simply because he doesn't seem real.  I grant there is a 90% chance he is not yet there is still a 10% chance he is.  Perhaps further investigation is required.

My regular readers know that I value safety as one of the main concerns a dominant has.  I also believe that submissives have to take care of themselves especially when unowned.  Safety is personal and one cannot abdicate that responsibility to someone she is unsure of.  It simply is not prudent to do this.  When searching, great care is required.  However, it needs to be balanced with the idea that you do not have all the answers and it is impossible to size someone up from a few emails or im conversations.  Caution is always required.  Yet some leeway is also a good thing.  It is easy to misinterpret things, especially online.  Our modern communication methods are wonderful yet it is often difficult to interpret meaning via text.  Much is lost when one does not have the advantage of inflection.  That is why I always advocate moving to traditional communication methods (telephone or face-to-face) when one feels it safe and appropriate.

In conclusion, I want people to take heed of the message I am delivering today.  It is a difficult road to navigate when dealing online.  There is so much garbage out there that we are sifting through the landfill with tweezers.  Prudence is required at all times.  Nevertheless, if you are seeking a true BDSM relationship and something that is lasting/deep with someone, then you are going to have to consider every possibility.  We are looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack.  Please do not misunderstand me and think I am telling you to lower your standards or alter what you seek.  I am not.  What I am saying is be slow to discount someone as a fake or pretender unless it is real obvious.  The numbers simply mandate this.  It appears that dominants are not a dime a dozen (neither are slaves but that is for another post).  To throw yourself back into the online BDSM mess without careful consideration of what you are interacting with could mean your search is prolonged a great deal longer.

One final thought which sticks out in my mind.  There is one interaction which I still carry with me.  This individual was experienced in the lifestyle yet discounted me as a fake.  As I stated earlier, this blog was available to her.  Her experience was she had 3 "masters' who really did a number on her.  She really had a rough go of it and did have every reason to be cautious.  These individuals did things which I never would dream of.  Yet she decided to call me a fake and discount me simply because I did not utilize her method of verification.  Hence, she will continue in the same cycle most likely sifting through a ton of emails from the game players we all know and despise.  And, sadly, if she gets into another BDSM relationship, the odds are she will find herself another creep.  Again, the statistics are what lead to this conclusion.  A lack of compatibility might have killed any interaction we had......or it might not....she will never know.


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Joolz on July 21, 2014 at 9:06 AM said...

A really interesting post and a topic that troubles all of us who have, or might in the future seek a partner (in the BDSM world or outside it).

As you well know, there are plenty of real Dominants out there, and sometimes you have to take a slight leap of faith to locate them. From my point of view, I have been lucky. This has been probably because I won't limit my contact to one place, and know I need a real time relationship rather than virtual (in whatever form). If you always assume everyone is fake then you are unlikely ever to find anyone, although of course you won't be let down either, other than by yourself.

Anonymous said...

I wish I would of found your blog before I found a "dom" online. There is no club near me so not quite sure what to do now.

Anonymous said...

By the way your writing is amazing

Dennis Najee on August 6, 2014 at 7:42 AM said...

Thank you for the compliment Anonymous.

As for your online Dom, not sure what you are referring to in terms of your lack of clarity what to do.

Either way, I hope it all works out for you.

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