Over the years, I wrote numerous times for one to turn to her dom/master when weak. One of the wonderful aspects of a BDSM relationship is that one is able to tap into the power of another when she is lacking. During that time period, I was asked repeatedly what I do when I am weakened. I never answered that question until now. My solution is to turn within myself and go deeper. It is my core where I find the strength I need to persevere.
At this time, I need to take a sabbatical and turn inward. It is the only way I know to get my juice up after being drained. My goal was always to give the best to my readers, whether there was only a single follower or 100,000. As it stands now, I cannot do that. Thus, I will be offline for a while delving deeper within myself to find out what is there. I am not certain how long this will last, it might be a few weeks or it could be months. What I can tell you is that I will share whatever breakthroughs I have when I do return to writing here. In the meantime, I will do my best to leave you with a powerful post.
Make no mistake, most all of us were bitch slapped. What do I mean by this? There are few of us within this lifestyle who have not endured with heartbreak and misery. Anyone who did anything online is apt to have met the "ideal" dom or sub only to find they disappeared after only a few weeks. Or, how about the one who said all the right things to lure us in (emotionally as well as physically) only to turn out to be a total d**kbag? We can have such high hopes only to witness them come crashing down upon us. Unfortunately, this is part of the deal and we cannot avoid it.
Another simple fact is that this pain and misery is so well-known to us because it was what brought us to BDSM to start with. Let us be clear, if we were successful in the vanilla world, the search into BDSM most likely would never started. It was only through the pain of failed marriages or other relationships which open up our eyes to the fact that there might be something else out there for us. I encountered many over the years who spent decades in a marriage only to conclude that he or she was completely unfulfilled. Society said this was the path to happiness yet it was fleeting for that individual. Ultimately, what started as the "happiest day of his/her life" turned into a total nightmare. In the moment, this created a great deal of pain. However, like many things in life, this travesty was turned into a positive by setting one on a path which was better aligned for that person. And that path, my friends, is BDSM.
Which brings up the another source of crushing pain. What happens when one finds his/her one within the lifestyle, and suddenly it is gone. This can come in many different forms which model the vanilla world. There is death, divorce (for those who marry their doms/subs), and good ole fashioned breakups. What really sucks about these situations is that, as I consistently write about, BDSM relationships have the possibility of reaching depths which far exceed most of what is experienced in the vanilla world. Hence, since we are talking about something that reaches the core of our being, the pain tends to be much worse. Also, in a healthy BDSM relationship, the sub/slave comes to depend upon her dom/master for all while he turns to her for the emotional and psychological strength. When that is gone, there is a major hole for both of them. Sadly, rarely is it an agreed upon situation and one is left with the feeling of being rejected, cast aside, and with a beaten self worth. Naturally, the longer and/or the more intense the relationship, the worse the emotional crush is.
I bring these points up to highlight the fact that none of us are unique in our experience here. Almost everyone in BDSM felt the pain of a breakup. Those who are depth seekers understand how much more emotional charged everything is with this type of relationship. Ultimately, when ending, those feelings are also magnified.
So what does this all mean? It is interesting to note how people deal with pain and the results of loss. There is a common mourning process of course yet there are still major differences of how people behave thereafter. One thing I do want to point out that life is about risk. Driving our car is a risky proposition (especially in Florida when the snowbirds are down). People fall in the bathtub all the time. Hell, even getting out of bed contains a degree of risk to it. Nothing we do in life is 100% safe. There is always a chance we will get hurt in some way.
If this is the case, then why do we do it? Well, using the bathtub as an example, there is a payoff for successful navigating that situation. While there is a chance of a slip and fall, the thought of going days or weeks without bathing is too much. There is a benefit for having good body hygiene. Looking at driving, obviously we can forgo the car and walk or bike everywhere. However, this involves risk (I know someone who was recently killed while riding on a bike path when a car lost control and swerved into him). Plus, the idea of making a couple hundred mile trip (or even a 5 miles trip) on a bicycle means considerably more time than making it in a car. Hence, most everyone drives in lieu of the risks associated with it.
One of the things I know about life is that it is guaranteed you will not hit the target with every shot you do NOT take. No matter how good you are, how much you prepare, if you do not fire the gun, shoot the arrow, or pull back the slingshot, it is impossible to successfully hit what you are aiming at. Sure, when you fire you might miss but isn't that the same result you get when you fail to take the shot? I think you will agree that it is.
Past experiences make us who we are today. Unfortunately, this applies equally for both the good and the bad experiences. What is sad is that few are able to take the negative experiences and turn them into a positive. Instead, they carry with them the pain of the past which interrupts (negatively) their present. How many times have we sabotaged something wonderful because of the pain associated with something similar from the past? This is a common reaction especially if one was bitch slapped a number of times as most of us in BDSM were. Closing off or shutting down is commonplace.
In short, people do not like to be vulnerable. Because of past pain, they do whatever they can to protect themselves from being hurt again. While I am all for safety and being sensible in our decisions, especially with so many predators and pretenders out there, there is a point where, when we find something true, we should open up. This is extremely difficult for so many. It quickly exits their comfort zone. Hence, the person is very slow to remove those walls he or she erected. These are safety mechanisms installed to fend off pain. With these walls up, we are not as vulnerable as we might be if we let them down.
A BDSM relationship is about depth. This is nothing new to my regular readers. However, I am here to tell you straight up, depth involves risk. If you are going to have a deep BDSM relationship, you will HAVE TO make yourself vulnerable. There is no other way. Open oneself up is a scary thought and the mind instantly places fear in the way. However, following this thought process will only lead to the shallow. We see so many in our day-to-day lives who are so wrapped up in fear that they miss the wonders of life. Yes there is risk in making oneself vulnerable but that is where the payoff is. If you truly want magical in your BDSM relationship, you are going to have to open up and put everything out there to that other person. And yes, you are exposing yourself to a great deal of pain. It is true that when you let go and free fall, you might end up splattered all over the ground. However, there is also a chance you might find that there is someone at the bottom who catches you.
Since most all of us found ourselves in the position where we experienced a great deal of emotional pain from making ourselves vulnerable in some way, it also stands to reason that the same people find themselves at a crossroad at some point. To give or not to. Do I open myself up and expose myself to pain again? Or do I close off while keeping those walls erected to protect myself from what I experienced before? Well, the answer to these questions lies in the simple question: do you want something deep or are you content to reside in the shallow? Remember, you cannot have depth in a BDSM relationship without making yourself vulnerable. It is impossible. In fact, being vulnerable to one's partner is one of the major keys for relationship success (yes it works both ways so do not think it is the subs only making themselves vulnerable).
So back to the choice: do you remain closed and shut down or open yourself up while being willing to free fall in hopes that a crash is not the outcome? Personally, I found those who live life, truly live, have the willingness to put themselves out there to get the payoff. Those who go through life in a conservative, closed off manner, end up with little. Life simply is not geared that way. My experience is that you will never find bliss being closed off, only regret. Ironically, the quest to avoid pain ultimately creates more pain. Remember this the next time you feel yourself shutting down emotionally, especially with your BDSM partner.
And with that, it is time for me to get on my high dive and do the free fall within myself to see what I can uncover. I will see you again when I re-emerge. Be safe out there and keep the pretenders in line while I am gone.
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