June 5, 2014

Expect The Bulls**t


We all know the stories about the online BDSM community and the challenges that anyone who is looking for something real encounters.  One only needs to read a few profiles before coming across someone posting his or her frustration at the games that are played.  As sad as it is, this is a reality that all of us face when dealing in this arena.  In my years in this lifestyle and the later part engaging online, I found that there is no way around it.  The online world is just too easy for the pretenders, stalkers, and bullshi**ers to excel.  They will be an ongoing presence.

So how do we deal with this?

To me, it starts with expectations.  It is hard to be disappointed if you do not have much in the way of expectations.  If you think about it, disappointment is experienced when our reality fails to meet our expectations.  In this particular instance, we start to create expectations upon a person (profile and characters on a screen) that we encounter only to be disappointed when things do not work out as we pictured in our mind.

Over the years, I concluded that 50% of the "people" you meet in the online BDSM world are outright fakes.  This is a number that surprises some people but it is my assessment after going through thousands and thousands of profiles while having hundreds (if not more) "conversations" with people.  This group of people includes all the scammers (yes I had the im chats with those who need money for the sick grandmother) who are out to separate people from their wallets.  We also find those ever so wonderful people who pretend to be looking for someone when, in reality, they are only seeking to liven up their life while the hubby is at work or the wife is elsewhere.  Instead of watching porn, they seek to have an interactive fantasy with someone else.  What is disheartening about this is, most times, the person on the other side believes it to be true.  Finally, we find the picture gatherers and other assorted segments of humanity like those who are male but state to be a woman.

Therefore, you can eliminate 1/2 the people you find online as being nothing like they proclaim.  That leaves us with the other half which, when you consider the scope of the Internet, is still a lot of people.

But hold on a second, these numbers start to dwindle down even more.  Of the remaining, I venture to say 80% (40% of the original total) are real but not genuine.  What do I mean by this?  Well, these individual are real in the sense that a male is a male and a woman a woman.  When the person says he/she is single, that is true.  The location professed is reasonable close.  All this is real.  However, they lack the genuineness required for whatever reason (and it can be many).  Perhaps the person claims to be looking for something long term when sex is only sought.  One professes to be a master when, in fact, he only researched it for the last few months.  Another common occurrence is that one is new and really does not know what he or she desires or is interested in.  It is easy to state something at first only to realize the opposite is true.  I will suggest to everyone remember that the online world is full of "tire kickers" who can blow in and out of the lifestyle.  While we welcome everyone, it is good to be mindful of these types until a person gets some idea of what it is all about before giving too much trust.  Failure to do this will most likely result in disappointment.

As you can see from these numbers, once we eliminate the non-real and not genuine, we are left with about 10% of the entire online BDSM community.  Again, in terms of numbers, this is large.  However, this number, too, is dwindled.  Now we begin to eliminate all that do not fit.  We start be crossing off the homosexual individuals for those who are heterosexual and vice versa.  The profiles where one is seeking a couple is not a candidate for a single person.  Then we have the qualifications based upon age, color, height, weight, and location to contend with.  Many will not match.  Finally, we eliminate the profiles of people who are already involved with someone and not really looking.  This leaves us with a rather small pool from which to deal with.

If you read this far, I am sure you are depressed.  Yes the numbers do get depressing yet I am telling you nothing new.  Anyone who spent time online understands this, hence the frustration posts about all the fakes and game players.  My goal here is not to rub you nose in it but, rather, awaken you to the fact that your disappoint is based upon your expectation.  The simple truth is the numbers are stacked against you and it is a "needle in the haystack" search.  That is not to say it is impossible because it is not.  However, a lot of frogs are going to be kissed in the process.  Come to expect it.  The likelihood of emailing someone, starting an IM convo, and then establishing a real time relationship from the start is unlikely. 

If you are in the online BDSM world, expect the bulls**t.  It comes with the territory.  You are seeking that 1%-2% who fit your criteria.  To find that group, you have to go through the rest of the boneheads.  This is my experience.  However, if anyone has a way around it, please email me.....I am sure the rest of us would like that solution.

DN

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