May 30, 2014

Emotional Fortitude

The other day I wrote about letting go of ideas, peoples, and beliefs.  Today, I am going to cover the idea of having emotional fortitude. Without it, we are destined to be not only failures within the BDSM world, but also in life.


As I travel around the Internet, I see so many who are seeking those who are "mature".  What does this really mean?  Obvious, some are seeking those who are up there in years (mature is a nice way of saying "older").  However, this is not the type of mature I am referring to.

There are too many people online who simply are immature.  Perhaps it is a reflection of the larger world in general.  Nevertheless, the BDSM community seems to attract those who lack the basic skills which come from going through the aging process.  Too many act like spoiled teenagers.  It is really sad to watch and makes it proportionally more difficult for those who seek something real.

My conclusion is that immature people simply are not able to have fulfilling and sustained relationships.  Instead, they rush into things with little regard for those who are affected by their decisions.  At the same time, their interactions tend to be completely self-centered.  This appears to take on a greater toll within the BDSM world because, for some reason, too many, especially dominants, believe that a BDSM relationship is a one-way street.  They fail to realize that, like all relationships, the BDSM relationship is a two-way structure where each person needs fulfillment to enjoy long-term success.  Of course, approaching a relationship in the aforementioned way shows a lack of maturity.

Being mature also mandates that one has a certain level of emotional control.  Unfortunately, it is no surprise to see this is missing among many within the BDSM community.  Instead of exhibiting the strength necessary to handle situations as they arise, people of this ilk tend to "lose it".  I am always stunned at the lack of emotional control many "Masters" have.  Part of my training in the "art of mastery" is that one be in control of himself emotionally.  As I often write on here, "to control another one must be able to control himself".  Those who are apt to have fits of rage certainly do not qualify as masters in my book.  Being able to control oneself emotionally is paramount for BDSM success.  A sub/slave cannot expect to excel when she is consistently unsure of the reaction she will receive from a dominant/master.  Emotional consistency is a foundational piece for any relationship.

Emotional Fortitude

Now that we covered being able to control oneself emotionally, I want to approach a different aspect of this realm.  Emotional fortitude equals strength.  This is a point I want to drive home.  Those who are strong and have power are emotionally strong.  The simple fact is that situations come along that none of us like.  Those who are emotionally strong are able to excel even when the circumstances are not appealing.  The ones who lack this tend to crumble like a cracker being stepped upon.

I referred to the post on letting go earlier because this brings up a prime example of the strength that is required to succeed in this area.  No matter what it is, whether friends, family, ideas, or beliefs, letting go is not easy.  If you question this, look at all the stuff in your closet that you simply "cannot get rid of".  Your emotional attachment is great.  The same holds true for all on the list I just mentioned.  It is extremely difficult to get rid of a person who is close to you.  To do this requires great inner strength when it is the proper action.  Fear is an ever-present enemy.  We need to muster the energy from within us to overcome.

One area I see many get frustrated is with the BDSM "dating" sites.  We are all well aware of the trolls, fakes, and pretenders that dwell in that realm.  Sadly, the Internet, while helping our lifestyle greatly, also opened the door to anyone who can type and establish a profile.  This created a forum whereby this sludge can fester.  So far, I found no way around it so it is something we have to deal with.

Finding someone compatible through the online mechanism is a challenge to say the least.  Those who enter this world understand how quickly one can get fed up with all the games that are played.  It is common for many to pull away because of what they encounter using these mechanisms.  While I understand the frustration, this is where one needs to have the internal fortitude to persevere.  Backing off might seem like a sensible idea when the discouragement is great.  However, I can assure you, like the lottery, you must be in the game to win.  One will not find a BDSM relationship by pulling away.

Therefore, it is extremely important that one hang in there and keep going.  Yes, it is difficult.  I realize the desire to open up another email containing some of the most ignorant statements known to mankind wanes.  However, remember, you are seeking the proverbial needle in the haystack.  95% of all you encounter out there are not going to match up with you.  Accept that as a fact going in.  Do not allow rejection to get you down.  Have the strength to keep going.


Once of the biggest differences between the successful in any endeavor and those who are not is how they handle adversity.  It will come as no surprise to you that the unsuccessful allow adversity to get them down while the successful get motivated to take action.  I am going to hypothesize that most of you will not be shocked to learn this same practice is required for success within the BDSM world.

As I stated, there are times we all face situations we do not like.  To focus upon the BDSM lifestyle, one common occurrence is the ending of a relationship.  Contrary to some of the "romantic" posts you see in profiles online, BDSM relationships are rarely forever.  They do end and it is often in a not so friendly way.  The end result is pain.  So what is one to do when he or she confronts himself with that situation?  Well one can opt to get eaten up by what happened and dwell upon the loss or get motivated to do something.  I recall discussing this situation with a guy I know in the lifestyle.  He was left high and dry by his "slave" who he owned for a number of years.  I lost touch with him for a while only to contact him a year later.  After that time, I came to find out he lost 40 pounds and improved his healthy considerably.  This is what I mean by taking a situation and getting motivated by it.  I am sure the pain he suffered was great.  However, he had the emotional fortitude to not let it get him down and to, actually, turn it into a positive.

I want you to recall this example the next time you open yet another email from a supposed "dominant" which starts out with the atypical "hey slut".  While it is easy to fall prey to the "ah screw it", this will not lead to you enjoying what you desire out of BDSM.  I presume you are on sites like we mentioned to actually meet someone.  Do not allow the morons and idiots to dictate to you how your life proceeds.  Times like that require you to start searching profiles and sending out some emails on your own (Yes subs/slaves can hit up dominants/masters unsolicited).  Get motivated to go after what you want.  Use the frustration and, dare I say, anger to your advantage.  Put the energy generated within you to good use.  Become the one who dictates the path that your life takes (again this is something a sub/slave must do at least until she is under control of another). 

One final thought.  By now, you should realize that I believe emotional fortitude applies equally to submissives and dominants.  So many believe that a sub/slave should be weak.  Nothing is further than the truth.  A weak slave is pretty useless.  One needs strength to submit fully.  Those who cannot tend to fight the wrong battle, thus sabotaging the entire relationship.  Emotional maturity, control and strength is a trait that all people need to exhibit.  Within BDSM, there are a lot of challenges we encounter which are not present in the vanilla world.  Having the internal power to overcome these are what eventually leads to fulfillment.  And, ultimately, this is what we are all after.


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