May 10, 2014


Impatience seems to be a universal human trait.  Everywhere I look people are rushing to get something (or somewhere) and are in a hurry about it.  Few take time to slow down.  Instead, they set their focus upon something while going full tilt to get there.  Of course, once there, they then look to the next place.  This seems to continue indefinitely.

Within the BDSM world, we see this same impatience.  People have such a need to get into a BDSM relationship that they do not take time to consider what it all means.  BDSM is a very large umbrella.  There are many different facets to the lifestyle.  It is up to each of us to consider what is attractive and what is not.  In others words, it is our responsibility to structure our lives as we see fit.  This is something that few are accustomed to since society tends to tell us what it wants for us.  BDSM offers the freedom for you to do as you see fit.  However, with freedom comes responsibility, something most want to overlook.

Present Situation

We all have a present situation.  At this moment, our lives are how they are.  Every decision we made in the past helped to shape who we are today and the surrounding we find ourselves in.  Good or bad, we are simply where we are at.  This we cannot change.  The past is but a memory as they say.  To try to start from someplace you are not is simply foolhardy.  The first step is always to acknowledge what is around us before we can move on from there.  Our existing knowledge level is what it is and only through increasing this can we change.

The pace we change things is also something to consider.  There are many things in life that we can alter in an instant.  The decision to work out is an example.  It only takes split second to decide that you are going to change your exercise routine (or adopt one) and to start.  However, it will take weeks or months before you start to notice substantial change.  If you worked out in the past, the likelihood of receiving benefits quicker is greater than for the person who started for the first time.  Again, we see knowledge level and experience of the first time exercise junkie at a low level as compared to the other person.  However, with time, this will change.

In the BDSM world, we often see people find this way of life later in life.  By later in life I mean that most do not come across it as teenagers.  Instead, they follow the traditional path as espoused by society, sometimes for decades before realizing they are unfulfilled and beginning their search.  The problem this creates is that, oftentimes, past decisions simply cannot be walked away from.  I found the most common situation has to do with children.  A newcomer to the lifestyle determines that she (in most instances) wants to be dominated.  Through her search, she realizes this is how she wants to live and is anxious to get started now.  Of course, there is one problem.  In the past, she bought into the idea of meet a guy, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after.  Well, our newbie followed 3 of the 4 and now has a bit of "baggage" to contend with.  Many are still married while others are primary caregivers for the children.  This creates a problem if one is seeking to instantly move into a full blown BDSM relationship, especially if she desires something to the more extreme end of the spectrum.

As you can see, the present situation is not easily resolved.  In most instances, walking away is not an option.  This is especially true if the kids are in their pre-teen or teen years.  Hence our sub/slave in the making finds herself in quite a pickle.  Her past choices prevent her from moving forward at this time.

So what does one do?

The answer is simple: prepare for the day that you can move on from your present circumstances and into the lifestyle you desire.

Few people ever consider this option.  The person in the situation I just mentioned hse 5-10 years to prepare before the responsibilities of her past decisions are fulfilled.  This is a lot of time to become knowledgeable about what life she wants to lead.  Of course, the impatience tends to get the best of most leading them to start looking for something else, i.e. leaving the lifestyle.  If one cannot get it now, she does not want it seems to be the norm.

As I mentioned above, BDSM is a wide and varied lifestyle.  There are lots of facets for one to explore.  It literally will take years to research and ponder all that is out there.  Also, it takes a great deal of time to look within oneself and see what is truly desired.  This is not a process that is completed in a matter of days.  It is a continuing journey even for those who are most adept at it.  Naturally, the process is compounded in terms of difficulty when one is first starting out.  Most of society is not trained to look deep within .  This is a novel idea which requires struggle in the beginning.  However, dedication and persistence do pay off in the end.

So, how does one go about preparing for a BDSM life when she has nothing more than time on her hands?  The Internet is a wonderful tool because it offers so much information.  Sadly, there is a lot of misinformation out there but having the time to research different points of view will allow one to determine what is valid and what is not.  Hence, reading becomes a starting point to begin the journey.

Another place to look is the porn industry.  Now, my regular readers know I am of the opinion that the porn industry puts forth a skewed view of the BDSM way of life.  To them, it is all "whips and chains".  Anyone who is around BDSM for even a short time realizes there is a lot more to it than that.  However, the porn industry does an excellent job of presented all the different fetishes that are out there.  This is an important part of the process.  With so much to indulge in, it is crucial that one knows what he or she likes especially when trying to find someone with similar tastes.  Many, especially the ones who are rushing things, seem to think they will simply get in a relationship and do whatever the dominant/master wants.  Oh really?  What if he is into diaper play and wants to treat you like a baby?  Is that acceptable to you?  For some, the answer is yes but I feel that is not the majority.  My belief is this might be a deal breaker for the masses.  Therefore, determining what fetishes or or activities are in line with your likes is a part of the process that should never be skipped.

Skills are something else that take time to develop.  Few seem to realize that certain skills are required for both a dominant and submissive.  Like anything in life, the more we practice, the better we get at it.  If you are one who finds yourself with time on your hands before being able to move into a BDSM relationship full time, look at what skills you can be working on in the meantime.  If dominant, are you looking for ways to improve your impact play?  Are you working on your knot tying?  How about your ability in impact play?  Are you studying and practicing some of the more extreme aspects like fire play?  If submissive, are you working on your pain threshold?  How is your kneeling?  Are you interested in being/living as Gorean?  Are you practicing the protocols so they are second nature to you?  These are all activities which can be done in preparation for the day when you enter the search for a BDSM relationship for real.


Time is an interesting concept.  To start, it really does not exist.  It is a man made concept.  The only time is now.  Everything else is an illusion.  Yesterday is gone and tomorrow does not exist.  Hence the question what are you doing now?

Another interesting aspect of this is that it cannot be sped up (or slowed down for that matter).  It goes at the same pace.  There are 24 hours in every day and 365 days in each year (with the exception of leap year).  The pace goes the same for everyone.  Therefore, if you are looking at a particular date when some of your responsibilities are freed up, you have nothing but time between now and them.  What are you doing with it?

Finally, depth requires a great deal of time.  I find that the deepest connections are the ones where the people spent the most time.  Before going any further, I will state that I realize depth can occur between two individuals very quickly.  However, my experience is that occurs when the two people invested the time in themselves individually.  They knew what was deep within them.  When meeting the other person, it was simply a matter of linking up what already existed as individuals.  The uncovering process was almost complete.  Naturally, the next step is to uncover things within them together which will enable the relationship to grow.

Overall, relationships need time to grow and be nurtured.  There are no shortcuts with it.  Those who try to circumvent this often find their relationship in shambles.  I am a big believer everything starts with the individual and works from there.  Most relationship fail because one did not invest the time in him or herself.  This is coupled with the fact that most people who get together refuse to put the time into their growth as a couple.  The only logical result is the inevitable parting that occurs.

If you are "blessed" with the time because of your present circumstances, use it wisely.  Instead of longing and being depressed, look at this as an opportunity.  Where do you want to be in 5 years (or whatever the time frame is)?  Look within yourself to compile a list of characteristics that describe what you want.  Use that list to enhance or enlarge those things you desire within you while trying to eliminate or minimize the opposite.  Remember, when entering into a BDSM relationship, it is crucial to focus upon what you bring to the table.  Many, at least online, seem to concentrate solely upon what they want.  This is important but it is a two-way street.  What are you offering the other person?  This process will allow you to answer that.


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