June 30, 2010

It Takes Maturity

This is a subject is rarely read about when discussing the different aspects of the BDSM world. Yet, there is nothing, in my opinion, that is crucial to success. Without it, one is deemed to fail in any type of relationship regardless of the way it is structured.


Many complain about all the fakes that exist in the online BDSM world. These people range from annoying to outright dangerous depending upon how naive the person being targeted is. Nevertheless, for the most part, these types are just passing time. They come and go without a trace. Their presence is solely for the purpose of entertaining themselves. Usually, they are manipulative, pathetic people who are trying to compensate for their unworthiness in real life.

Are these people immature? Some of them fit this description to a tee. Fortunately, they are the ones who are rather easy to spot. An example of their activity is they will enter a chatroom while proclaiming they are seeking a slave (or Master). This behavior falls into the get real category. Do they really think that anyone real will drop at their feet? Along the same lines, these same type of people believe that a capital before their name instantly makes then a Master, thus meaning that everyone "bow" at their feet. Again, I say get real.

These people are foolish. Many are trying to compensate for a lackluster life offline. We see many who are trying to live out their sexual fantasies while masturbating to characters on a screen. Another group of them are trying to cover up the fact that they have little appeal in the real world. The Internet allows one to create whatever persona he or she desires. Experience is not something these people share since they have none. Instead, their "world" becomes the online community they interact with. As it pertains to BDSM, they try to fit in while being transparent as to what they are. The fakes take away from everyone.


This brings us to the people who are truly seeking to live this way of life. Where do they stand? Again, since I am writing this post, I believe that most tend to fall in the immature category. I find this especially true on the submissive side of the equation. Many who are seeking a Dom/Master appear to missed the part of life where one was to grow up. Their emotional balance is that of an 8 year old. This is alright since many of them want to act like children anyway.

On my social site, we had blog post regarding the maturity level of certain types of people (read it here). Many on that site seem to agree that there are a range of people who enter this life as a means of shedding all responsibility. As mentioned, many have lives that are wrought with failure. These people seem to get a new lease on things when they uncover the BDSM life. Here is the magical elixir that will make their lives successful. Suddenly, finding one who will take care of him/her is the solution.

Naturally, anyone who was around this life for any period of time knows this is not true. The bottom line is that it takes maturity to make a relationship work. No matter the dynamic, it takes work for relationships to succeed. Contrary to popular belief, a total power exchange does not increase the chance for success, especially if one is totally immature.


A BDSM relationship is extremely difficult. Speaking as a Master who had multiple live in M/s relationships, I can tell you that one of the main factors for success is that I must be able to depend up anyone under my control. Absent this, I will never have the trust to delegate worthwhile tasks to her. A slave is in my life to make it easier. Micromanaging is something that I detest. At the same time, this is my life we are referring to, not some game that one picks up on a whim. Therefore, anyone I deal with, if long-term success is to be present, requires a level of maturity to exist in this realm. Acting like a child does not increase one's dependability in my view. This is a surefire way to wreck any relationship I have with you.

How does all this translate to the behavior we witness online? I see so many acting immature in chatrooms and one forums. Their idea of fun and cutting lose is also the parameter that others such as myself is judging them. Those who want to behave in such a manner quickly lose my respect (and yes, respect is something that a Dom/Master should have for a sub/slave-but it is earned). Being a brat reminds me too much of an 8 year old. Therefore, anyone who wants to be considered by me needs to exhibit the adult qualities that I know are needed for success in a BDSM relationship.


The people I know who have successful relationships are adults. BDSM is simply as aspect of our overall lives. We deal with all the same issues that everyone else does. Success in life is contingent upon handling the different aspects of life in an appropriate manner. Children have the luxury of acting the way they do because they have parents taking care of them. However, those who do not mature often have difficulty later in life since so much of what we deal with requires advanced interpersonal skills. Life is a game for adults. Children are exempt from playing.

BDSM is the same way. Those who feel the need to behave or live out their childish motives are doomed to fail. I do not know anyone who takes this life seriously that would subject him or herself to such a person. The advantages that someone like that provides are minimal. People who are seeking out a relationship(s) do so by judging what the other person brings to the table. Any parent knows that children come with headaches. Few are willing to subject themselves to the same anguish by involving themselves with someone too immature to handle a relationship. Immaturity is one way to remove the chance for long term success. And it is certainly something worthy of more discussion.

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June 23, 2010

Proactive versus Reactive

There are many ways to lead a M/s or D/s relationship. I am certain you will find every way imaginable if you were to look at 100 different relationships. Just like managers in business lead in a way that reflects their personality, so, too, do those responsible for directing a BDSM relationship. We each have different characteristics that are important. That is why I feel there is no "one-size fits all" manuals available. Each person needs to find his/her own way.

Fitting in with a Master

Many will take the initiative and contour the behavior to match the specific Master. However, there are probably a larger number who will not. This could be one of the main reasons why so many BDSM relationships do not succeed. A submissive opts to remain glued to his/her way of doing things. Lack of change will doom any BDSM relationship.

I am not one who prefers to micromanage a submissive. This is something that I find totally revolting. The idea of overseeing the most minor of details makes me want to vomit. I neither have the time nor the discipline to do it. Of course, what I am saying is purely subjective and not proclaiming anyone who operates this way as being wrong. It is just my preference.

A case in point, I heard a slave mention that she had to learn a 500 page manual containing all the house rules. This is a system that is in place in this particular situation. In my house, there arent enough rules to fill 500 pages. The main reason for that is because I am not going to write a 500 page manual of rules. If I was going to do that, I would instead write a 500 page book about this life that I love. Dictating every aspect of a sub/slave's life is unappealing.

Leaving my opinion aside, what is exemplified by the abovementioned slave is that she is contouring her actions to the prescribed methods of her Dom/Master. Perhaps she is one who lacked the discipline to behave in a proper manner. The rules that she is learning might be well suited to change and mold her into something better. She is seeking to fit in with this particular Master's way of doing things. It is her responsibility to adapt, not his.

Proactive Versus Reactive

In life, there are two ways to approach any situation: people can either be proactive or reactive. Typically, individuals take on a particular tendency which permeates throughout their entire life. Many will point to the "Type A" personality when referring to someone who is proactive. This is a person who doesn't wait around for things to happen. He or she is one who takes initiative. Errors are usually made on the side of overacting.

Contrast this with someone who is a reactive personality. These types tend to await instruction. They are the ones who have wonderful ideas once something catastrophic happened. They are never early in their estimation. Instead, they allow fear (usually) to operate as their guide. At times they are extremely methodical and analytical. However, these qualities are offset by the fact that they rarely strive to greater levels.

Tying It Together

What does proactive versus reactive personalities have to do with a BDSM relationship? I will answer that by using myself as an example. Basing your conclusion upon the information I mentioned about not being a micromanager, which personality type do you think works best for me? Do you think that one who is proactive will serve me better or one who is reactive? Does the one with the ability to take initiative aid me through service or one who is continually waiting around for my guidance?

Naturally, the particular individual will make the difference but, overall, I fare better with those who are proactive. My life is one which can be in chaos at times. Therefore, one who constantly seeks approval before taking any action is a detriment to me. I operate under the expectation that things get completed. Waiting for me to say "yes" to a particular directive is not a reasonable excuse. My methodology is to provide broad guidelines and have anyone under my control operate within them.

For example, I delegate all the yardwork. This is a chore that is understood to be outside of my responsibility. I expect the yard cut and the trimmings placed at the curb on the proper day for pickup. Now, do you think I really care which day the lawn (although some call it weeds) gets done? I do not. It is beyond my ability to share with you what day the grass is usually mowed. I simply know it is done on a weekly basis. A slave is adult enough to operate within these parameters in my world. Time management is something I expect one to be able to handle. She needs to create and maintain her own schedule.

This is what I mean about being proactive. A reactive slave would often await approval to mow the yard on a particular day. Mine simply gets it done. In addition, if there is something that needs attention, it gets handled often without my knowing about it. There are boundaries which are respected especially where money is concerned. However, anything within that area is up to her to decide for herself.

I again want to make it clear that my way is not the only way nor the preferred method. It is what works best for me. However, proactive versus reactive is something to pay attention to when you are looking at how you interact with another. If you are a Dominant, figure out what works best for you. On the other side, as a submissive, determine what your dominant one prefers and contour your actions to meet that. It will help a great deal.

One final thought: honest appraisal of oneself is crucial. Resist the temptation to delude yourself into thinking you are something that you are not.

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June 13, 2010

Punishments-Some Thoughts

This is a topic that is often discussed on the different forums and sites that I visit. For whatever reason, Masters/Doms are always seeking ways to punish those who are under their control. I can only presume that newer people are in search of effective ways to punish. Sadly, I believe most miss the point of why punishments are necessary.

Why Punish?

Why does a Master/Dom punish a sub/slave? To me, discipline is at the core of all that we do. Punishments are not meant to be handed out randomly or as a way for a Master to show his "power". Instead, punishments are meant to reinforce some type of lesson that is being integrated.

A sub/slave's growth is vitally important. Over the course of time, he or she ought to be expanding the abilities one has. As in all walks of life, the best learning tool is our own personal experience. Mistakes are one of the best teachers we have if we learn from them.

One common mistake is that some want to punish for mistakes. This is also something that goes against my beliefs. Mistakes are part of the process and the important factor is that a sub/slave learns from them. Of course, repeated failure to learn the lesson does often warrant punishment. This is where discipline enters into the picture.

Punishment, quite simply, is a means to modify behavior. A sub/slave will not act appropriately in all situations. Punishing is the methodology which will reinforce the behavior that one is seeking.

Make Sure Behavior Is Known

Punishing alone is ineffective unless the old behavior and desired behavior are explained. Naturally, this requires a Dom/Master to maintain some wits in situations where loss of control is real easy. Anger is the one thing that blows everything out of proportion. Maintaining emotional control is a crucial element to success in this area (I know, a hell of a lot easier said then done). Nevertheless, focusing on the behavior is vital.

The process simply starts by identifying the behavior that one is upset with. If you are like me, this is often apparent by my screaming. This is the point where I find I must concentrate on what the desired outcome is. When I can make both behaviors known, I find that whatever punishment I opt for is more effective.

Another factor is to ensure that the desired behavior is also known. A sub/slave needs to know what is expected of him/her. Simply stating that Action A is wrong while instilling discipline is a half measure. The other component is to relay how you want him/her to behave in the future. This reinforces the change.

Worthy of the Crime

The final thought that I want to convey is to have the punishment "fit the crime". It is very important that any punishment be in proportion to the behavior that one is trying to correct. Many have a tendency to go overboard with the disciplinary action in situations where the action is slight. We often see this in sports where suspensions are reduced after each side has time to analyze the situation. Dealing with a sub/slave is no different.

Punishing when one is upset is a dangerous route to take. Emotions cloud one's thinking. When one is in an emotionally charged state, he or she is apt to overreact to whatever is occurring. There are a number of occasions where I found myself instilling a punishment only to retract it later because of my lack of emotional control. I cannot stress enough how important it is for a Master/Dom to maintain his/her composure when dealing with these circumstances.

Punishments are a necessary part of the lifestyle. They enable one to mold a sub/slave's behavior in a way that fits what is desired. However, becoming an abuser is not what this life is about. Take caution when you are delving into this area since the consequences can be harsh when you make a mistake.

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June 12, 2010

Finding Your One

I see questions like this posed all over the Internet: how do I find a Master (slave)? It is always interesting to see a thread on a forum develop out of this basic question. Once again, we find people who want a "cookie cutter" solution to the life.

Relate To The Traditional World

My fundamental tenet is to always relate things to the traditional world to see if something that is occurring within this life is absurd. The above question is completely asinine when you compare it to the vanilla world. Common sense is something that seems lacking when many approach this way of life.

My comparison is to think of a vanilla dating site and consider a similar question. For instance, how likely is it that you will see one post this: how do I go about finding a husband (wife)? I surmise that if this is posted, the person will be under the age of 10. My reasoning is that everyone in society who is over that age knows how the interpersonal relationship works. It is not something that is kept a secret.

At the same time, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of ways to go about finding a spouse. People meet each other through work, friends, dating sites, personal ads, or simply in the supermarket. The "manual" on dating and love is rewritten hundreds of times each year by authors touting the "secret". Each situation differs based upon the individual needs.

BDSM Is No Different

In many ways, BDSM is no different from what we already know. When you get to the essence, the primary difference is how the power structure is broken down. Other than that, we are often dealing with the same issues as the rest of the world. Thus, a BDSM relationship is nothing more than another relationship. All interpersonal skills apply.

How does one go about finding a Master (slave)? The same way one would go about finding a girlfriend or boyfriend. It starts with putting oneself in a situation where he or she will encounter available people. The Internet makes this process easier (while also making it more difficult). One cannot successfully fish unless he or she casts a line in the water. Getting into a BDSM relationship requires placing ourselves in position to meet others.

Another aspect in this is to get involved. Travel to many of the "BDSM dating" sites and you will find profiles stating something like "Master seeking slave-email me". Again, if we go to the vanilla sites, do you think there are profiles stating "Man seeking girlfriend-email me". If this is done, what do you think of a person who does this? I would conclude he is an obnoxious ass. Certainly, we can agree that this is not commonplace within the vanilla world. People will tell about themselves.

Not so in the BDSM world. This concept is on profiles all over the net. People seem to lose interpersonal skills as soon as BDSM is involved. I cannot tell you how many times I encountered someone who said that he is looking for a slave; anyone interested? Like anyone worth a lick is going to respond to that. What the hell is he offering? What are his qualifications? Simple ideas that are instantly overlooked by those who are floating around the life.

In the end, finding someone to have a relationship with requires the same dedication and effort as in the traditional world. There are no shortcuts here. People who take the time to consider what they are seeking themselves have a head start on everyone else. Knowing yourself and your desires enables you to identify what you are seeking when you run across it. This can shorten the process.

Bear in mind that we are all individuals. What I want certainly is different from the desires of many others. Whether dominant or submissive, we all have things that we want in a relationship. Identifying those characteristics goes a long way to being able to match someone up. Start the process today to avoid headaches down the road. This life is not as mysterious as people make it out to be. Normal interpersonal skills still apply.

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June 2, 2010

Attitude Seeps Through

Many Masters are rather emphatic about what they will allow their slaves to say. While some allow slaves to speak freely many times, there are a portion out there who preclude this behavior. Instead, they prefer to have a slave keep her opinions to herself.


There are times in any relationship where disagreements are bound to raise. For whatever reason, many feel that a BDSM relationship, especially M/s, is exempt from this characteristic. Anyone who lived real time for even a few months knows this is not the truth. Over time, disagreements will arise. How they are handled determines the chance of success within this particular relationship.

It is impossible for a slave to like every directive that is given to her. There are times where a Master will assign a task which is met with resistance. This is human nature. The ones who have the right to express themselves can often voice their concern. However, the ones who are not allowed to respond in this way must suppress whatever thoughts are involved.

Attitude Cannot Be Hidden

I am not advocating either option in this post. People are responsible for designing their relationships as they see fit for those involved. There never is a way to cover all relationships with "one broad stroke". Certainly, there are pros and cons to each approach and choosing what works best for an individual(s) is optimum.

That being said, I can state that attitude is something that cannot be hidden. All that arises from deep within is bound to appear at the surface level. A slave, as all of us, has a tough time hiding her displeasure when put into a situation that she detests. While she might take the action that is instructed, her attitude will tell the true story.

As I mentioned in the last post, the problem with attitude is it often extends beyond the event that stimulates the response. We all experienced times where one thing upset us and we were still stewing about it hours later. How often has a single instance ruined your entire day? It is amazing how something that occurred 5 or 6 hours previous can still be affecting us. But it is the way many of us react.

My Experience

Whenever I push my slave to do something that she is against, our interaction ultimately suffers for an extended period of time. Resentment is a powerful vice. While I try to give her the freedom to express what is on her mind (in the proper manner), I will admit there are times when I simply do not want to hear what she has to say.

How do you think our day progresses? As you can guess, it does not go off very well. Whenever we get into this state, each person gets defensive thus creating a snowball effect. Ultimately, one of us will come to our senses and release whatever garbage is causing the rift.

***As a side note, I will mention that notice how I didn't state that I was the one who always comes to my senses. This is one of those times when reality is different from the online fantasy. There are instances when my slave is the more sensible one. Just because I am in the position of dominant, that does not mean that I am exempt from human characteristics. There are times when I am a total butthead. What can I say, perfection still eludes me.

The point is that attitude does seep through. On more than one occasion my slave mentioned that she would be better off just not saying anything. While she might be correct in the immediate term, I aptly point out to her that I know her well enough that I can read her emotions (not that it is difficult). She knows this is correct and understands that it only makes things more difficult. In the end, it is very difficult to hide one's attitude about certain things. As they say, the eyes do not lie.

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