Would You Buy A House...

from someone you met in a chatroom? To further complicate matters, would you do it sight unseen with no human contact with that person whatsoever? This idea seems absurd when one thinks about it for a short while. However, are the decisions people make each day about online romance/lifestyles any different? Aren't they doing exactly the same thing in effect?

Why wouldn't you buy a house under the aforementioned circumstances? What would most concern you? Obviously the notion of getting ripped off would cross your mind. The fear that the person is less than truthful is prevalent. The roof leaking, the neighborhood, and the square footage are all areas of importance. Regardless of what one is told, it is impossible to know if it is being accurately represented.

Online interactions of a personal nature carry the same connotation. How do you know the package is being accurately represented? I could say I am in Nevada while living in Chicago. My height of 6'1", 195 pounds of muscle turns out to be 5'7" 225 pounds of flab. The pictures I showed you are really my brother-in-law. And I really work at 7-11 instead of being a brain surgeon. Of course, it is easy for me to create the image that I want you to see. Without human interaction, it is doubtful you will be able to call me on it.

I see this occur in the BDSM world frequently. People seem to lack common sense when approaching this lifestyle. The gullibility is astounding. Some will take whatever another says as it is fact. Sadly, it rarely is. My belief is that 90% of the online interactions are bullshit. At least one party is lying. There are some online who are completely honest and upfront. That is the minority. Chatrooms are full of people who are trying to "get their rocks off" by pretending to be something they are not. This extends to all styles of chat, regardless of the lifestyle.

My message today is to be careful and do not get too caught up with the one that you are chatting with. That person most likely will turn out to be less than he/she professes. I hate to be the one to burst your bubble but better now than later. Eventually the truth will come out. Look for signs that tell you this person is lying. Does he/she only contact you at certain times which seem odd? (For example, he is only on after 11:00 at night when you know he ends work at 5:00) Is there resistance to move the relationship offline into a real live interaction? These simple acts should be warnings that something is amiss.

If you are protective of your money from swindlers, why wouldn't you have the same approach with matters of your heart? The situation is especially compounded when you consider that children are also involved. Why would you subject them to something that is built upon fantasy? Many like online because it gives them the anonymity to create a persona as they desire. Unfortunately, this usually causes heartache and misery to the one on the other end.

Please be careful.

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Why This Lifestyle?

Why do people get involved in BDSM? There are probably as many answers to that question as there are people engaging in it. However, I believe the bottom line is that most want to increase their satisfaction in life. There are so many who find that they are unhappy with the traditional mode of relationships. Let's be honest, after a while, sex with the same person can get really boring unless something is done to increase the level of excitement. BDSM fulfills that purpose.

BDSM is a wide arena. Many automatically assume we are referring to images of extreme bondage with suspension from the rafters. BDSM is a lot more than this. It is something as simple as a spanking during sex to the 24/7 M/s lifestyle. In between there is room for a great deal of flexibility.

Life is miserable for many. We see it everyday on the streets. People hate their jobs, are in unhappy marriages, and now have a multitude of financial problems to deal with. This causes an enormous amount of stress for people to deal with. They need a release and BDSM is a way to get that.

BDSM is about experimentation. Those who are seeking to enhance their sex lives can do so by toying with different aspects of the lifestyle. The journey into personal domination/submission is an interesting one. It is always fun to experience the different feelings of giving up control versus receiving it. I believe most have a general idea where they fall on the scale. However, there are many who are unsure meaning they will test both sides of the equation. A true dominant, for example, will not take to being tied up. You can see it on his/her face.

This brings us to another aspect of why people choose BDSM; to fulfill an inner desire that goes to their core. Since most do not engage in deep self searching, few know what is truly at their core. There is a percentage of the population that is overwhelmingly dominant and a similar percentage submissive. These are the people who are designed to engage in M/s or some other extreme aspect of the relationship. Their inner desires are unquestioned. Sadly, many are misled by what they see within themselves since society has a way of conditioning us into believing that domination is more admirable than submission. This is untrue. Yet, there is the Western belief that servitude is something to look down upon.

Either way, those who get honest with themselves realize they can receive a lot by choosing the BDSM lifestyle. Many feel uncertain initially and that is understandable. However, with the proper guidance and information, you will find there is a lot to this way of life. It is a community that is full of average people doing extraordinary things. BDSM has the potential to make all your dreams come true if you embrace it to that degree. This way of life is how I fulfill my heavenly desires.



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Online Is Not Real

Everyday I encounter someone else who believes that their online experience is real. Again, I am perplexed by this idea. Why does common sense exits when it comes to BDSM? It seems that whatever smarts someone had, they left it at the door upon entering the BDSM community.

Let me ask this "would you consider an online 'marriage' to be real"? The answer is that most would say that this is not reflective of reality. Alas, these same individuals will turn around and proclaim to be a Master or a slave because they have some experience online. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Online is not real. I do not know how to make it any clearer than this. The Internet is a mechanism which allows people to create any persona they desire. To become something online, it is as simple as creating a profile on a site, reading a few different sites to get the basics of that topic and then starting the process. Instantly, one is whatever he or she wants.

My philosophy is that the Internet is a wonderful way to gain some basic knowledge about the BDSM lifestyle. Also, with the advent of the different "dating' sites, it allows us to interact with people all over the world. Those of us who were involved in this way of life before the Internet remember how small a community it was since the reach was so limited. Before long, you knew every Master, Dom, slave, sub, and swinger in your town. The options were minimal.

Now, we can meet people from all over the world. I personally am involved with people from England, Montana, and Canada. This is only possible through the reach of the World Wide Web. Introductions and prospecting is an excellent use for this medium. However, if things never move from online to some other form of human interaction, one is not involved in reality. Instead, he or she is stuck in the virtual world.

One of the first things I ask when I am interacting with someone who is new to me is whether she is willing to come and visit. Over the years, there were more than a few who chastised me for taking this approach. At that instant I knew what type of person I was dealing with. These types are not willing to move things to the human level. They prefer it to remain online.

Online BDSM is a game. My experience tells me most of the people are pretenders. They create the image they way while having no foundation in the real world. Reading, studying, and writing about a scene are vastly different than being involved in one. Being told what a leather strap feels like is nothing compared to the sensation of having it strike your skin. Real life involves human contact.

Those who are online have the knowledge and perhaps background in BDSM. However, what they lack is the experience. Regardless of what people believe, individual personalities sway any type of relationships. There is not a "one size fits all" mold. Knowledge provides a foundation, experience offers individual tastes. There is no way to know what is desired (or not desired) until it is tried. Online interaction fails to provide this.

The other consideration that we never see online is how others are affected. Few live in a vacuum. They have others to consider. Yet, the ones online rarely mention these factors. It is up to you to be pragmatic about what is going on in the lives of those you love. When others are put at risk for something that is less than certain, you are neglecting your responsibilities. Online chats are fun. Nevertheless, they rarely turn into much more. The percentages are against you.

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Using Common Sense

It is sad to see how much different people approach this lifestyle as compared to other areas of their life. Seemingly intelligent people make choices which they would not under normal circumstances. For whatever reason, they believe there is something vastly different when entering the BDSM world.

The bottom line is that all relationships are just that, relationships. Interpersonal skills that are applicable to other areas of life are valid here also. Even though the dynamics are on another level, this is where common sense comes into play. We are still dealing with people regardless of the power structure.

I see so many "fall" for someone only to be devastated when things do not work out. This is really true online. Yesterday I wrote a post about the misleading that can occur online. I am always stunned how people take what they see to be real. The truth is it often is not.

Anyone can be a "Master" or a "slave" online. All that is needed is the ability to write it in a chatroom. A little reading will provide O/one with the foundation to offer some credible evidence. Of course, the entire process is easier when the person being dealt with is new. He or she is open to be taken advantage of. This person will believe most anything since the entire life is new.

This is where common sense comes into play. I typically ask people if this something they would tolerate in the vanilla world. For example, I often hear how a Master cannot provide an address or phone number to a slave. The claim is that it is His place to contact her. At this point I say the odds are she is chatting with a fake. He is hiding something. Would you believe this line if it were your fiance in a traditional relationship? How many people have no idea where their fiance lives or his/her phone number? Yet we see slaves who are willing to move to Him in spite of this. Naturally, when the time never comes to move, there is devastation.

My next question is what was really lost? I am told that "my Master is now gone". Wrong. You lost a name on a screen. The Internet allows for the creation of whatever the mind can conceive. If you want to be a Master, bingo. You are now a Master. If you want to be an engineer at Nasa, simply learn a few scientific lines and fill out a profile saying Kennedy Space Center. Just because one says it does not make it so.

Common sense will go a long way to avoiding headache, heartache, and assache. This is especially true if you have kids that are involved. Your decisions will also affect them. You want to be sure the choices made are based in reality, not fantasy. Too often there are jerks who are living out their fantasies online while the spouse is upstairs sleeping. If there are warning signs that something is amiss, it usually is. Many who claim to be single are really married. It is too easy to lie.

Remember this the next time you are in a chatroom and striking up a "relationship" with another. Be sure to push to move it to some type of human interaction. A phone call, a lunch, or an address go a long way to validating that person.

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When The Rubber Meets The Road

There are many pretenders out there. We all know that. The Internet is a doubled edged sword when it comes to meeting people for BDSM: it allows for access to far greater number of people while enabling people to assume any persona they desire. In the end, what is really known about a person is they are text on a screen. There is nothing more unless there is some other form of communication.

Many will take exception with this viewpoint. They claim there are people behind those usernames and characters. That is true, there is someone with a heartbeat. However, that is where the truth ends. Everything else is up for debate. For example, is the person male or female? Is he/she married or single? Does that person really weight 105 pounds or is she 205? None of these answers can really be known unless there is more than online interaction. (In my book An Owned Life, I dedicate a section to the difference between online and real time)

When it comes to BDSM, there seems to be a lot of play out there (and not the good play). I heard so many tales of woe that I am stunned each time I hear about the gullibility of people. People seem to give all they have to people they never even spoke to. And then when things go awry, they are crushed like they lost something real. The truth is that they were played.

Online is not real. I write this all the time. Too many want to make it seem like there is something there when a "relationship" forms. This is not the case. While I acknowledge the Internet is a fabulous way to "break the ice", any relationship that does not move to any form of human interaction is bound to crack. The foundation is most likely built upon a lie.

Whenever I "meet" people online that I am interested in moving into some form of real time, I immediately begin the human process. This starts usually with a phone call. This is a mechanism which is more personal than online and allows for one to gain a greater knowledge of the person. For example, you might hear children in the background (warning sign if you were told he/she is single with no kids). The voice tells a great deal about a person. And you can learn if they are shy or outgoing. These things cannot be learned through chatting online.

When the "rubber meets the road" do you really know what you are dealing with in the person you are chatting with online? Unfortunately, it is only when a desperate situation arises will the truth be revealed. Are you able to count on this person? Is he/she going to be there for you when you are in need? Most likely not based upon the percentages.

Each time I hear one of the heartbreaking stories, I always reflect upon the missed signs. Dishonesty and manipulation are obvious if you know what you are looking for. The rule is that is something seems amiss, it probably is. So often I hear that a Dom/Master can only call at certain times. Why would this be? Perhaps it is because he/she has a spouse they are hiding. Do you have a phone or an address for this person? Or were they hidden from you by some excuse. Does their name come up on a search engine in that town? Most people are involved in some type of organization that will have records or rosters listed online. The point is that a little research will uncover a lot.

Common sense is lacking when it comes to online. People will not tolerate certain behaviors in person yet they fall completely for the manipulation online. For those who do this, they are mostly saddened when the truth comes out. Dishonesty is the prevailing trait in the virtual world. It is just too easy to assume another persona. Be forewarned the next time you are chatting with someone. All is probably not as it appears.

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Safe, Sane, Consensual

This is the foundation for BDSM. Everything we do follows these simple edicts. Whenever anyone strays from them, bad things happen. You will notice that the events which make the paper are because these three words were ignored.

In most societies around the world, slavery is outlawed. At the same time, it is illegal to hold someone against their will. Breaking these laws carry a huge penalty in the modernized cultures. Kidnapping is not something that is considered lightly by the courts.

With that being said, the Master/slave relationship exists only because there is consent. Anytime there is a scene, both parties are agreeing to participate. To ensure safety, certain ground rules are established ahead of time. The use of a "safe word" is critical especially when playing with someone unfamiliar. This is how a sub can maintain an order of control so as not to cross any hard limits.

Much damage can be done when a BDSM scene goes awry. The press sensationalizes the physical harm done when people act without regard to safety. There are instances where death occurred as a result of a scene. Nevertheless, much less talked about but ever more dangerous is the psychological pain that a Dom/Master can cause during a scene. It is not uncommon for someone to have flashbacks to previous abuse. Since there is pain involved in many scenes, these thoughts can provoke one to go off the deep end mentally. This can scar someone permanently.

How do we go about ensuring everything turns out okay. We remember three things:

1. All actions during the scene are done after the safety issue is considered.

2. It is best to engage in actions that are reflective of your ability. A new person should not play with full suspension. This is something that is best left to the seasoned persons. We like our play to be fun but within reason for people's skill and limit level. That is sanity.

3. The basic premise of the foundation is consensual. A sub/slave decides to submit, not the other way around. Those who try to push one into submitting are really taking a hostage. That is not consensual. We strive to have consent as the foundation of the relationship.

Remember these three parameters when entering into this life. There is nothing worse than a scene gone wrong. That is how people get hurt.

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How To Get Into BDSM?

This is the easiest way to get into BDSM.


Just add duct tape.

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Professional versus Amateur

Where do you qualify on this scale. To start, when I refer to a professional, I am not referring to someone who makes their living as a Dom/Domme. While there are people who choose to do this, they are in the extreme minority. What I mean by professional is someone who takes this way of life seriously. They approach their "craft" like they any other professional.

There are many who approach BDSM with the idea of being "tire kickers". It is wonderful for people to take a look at our way of life to decide if it is for them. These are not the people that I question. Rather, I am taken aback by those who profess to live this way yet are amateurish in their approach. They failed to move to the next stage in their development.

A professional is someone who takes their trade seriously. They are people who are willing to put in the time learning all they can about what they do. Certain trades have apprentice programs where one learns the basics before being certified. Continuing education is important (and often required). One is committed to staying on top of the latest developments within his or her profession.

Contrast that with many who claim to be involved in BDSM. There are many I encounter who state they are slaves while behaving more like a Dom. They want to retain control over their lives which shows they missed the basics of being a sub/slave. At the same time, there are so many dominant personalities who believe they are Doms/Masters. Of course, without the basics in control, accessories, and furniture, One will end up failing.

The Internet is a wonderful tool which allows for people to garner knowledge rapidly. We now have access to millions (billions or trillions) of pages worth of information. If one is interested in learning about something, there are plenty of places to turn. While being questionable in the validity of the information, at least it is a starting point.

Nevertheless, many fail to take this vital step. That is why I wrote the book, An Owned Life, as a way to offer some of the basics of the M/s world. Judging by the sales results, there obviously was a huge market that was crying for this. It is my goal to assist people in their effort to move from amateur to professional.

If you are going to be involved in an alternative lifestyle, I feel that it is only fair that you have some idea if what it is all about. Every walk of life has some basics and this lifestyle is no different. Learning the basics of BDSM is a great step towards becoming knowledgeable about they way we live. Start by acquiring all the know-how that you can.

An Owned Life is a great place to start.

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You Know You are Kinky When

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The Sub's Motto

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