September 13, 2014

M/s Breakup


We all know that most time, breaking up is hard to do.  While cliche, we all know the pain that goes along with having a relationship, especially long term, come to an end.  This is true whether one is BDSM or vanilla.

Of late, I am interacting with/consoling a slave friend of mine who recently experienced a break up of this nature.  Without going into the particulars, she lost her Master of 7 years (whom she was also married to).  Now, let me start by saying that I do not use the term "slave" with this woman loosely.  She is a true one who knows her place within the lifestyle and fully knows what it means to be "owned".  And it is for this reason that I write this post.

When one lives truly as a slave, she gives her entire being over to her owner.  This is a place few of us can truly understand since most of us are NOT slaves.  Submissiveness is a characteristic that is at the core of many but few can embrace the degree of surrender required to live as a slave.  Turning yourself completely over to another requires the ability to separate from self (the illusion that we created in our minds usually containing our fallacious self importance) and fully embracing what is at ones core.  To live for the pleasure and benefit of another while seeking the personal fulfillment that comes with being involved in a deep M/s relationship is indescribable.  Again, this is something that few of us are able to attain.

That being said, when one is a slave, her entire essence is tied up in the relationship.  Of course you can say that the same should be true for the Master and I would agree.  However, the difference is that a slave comes to fully depend upon her Master, especially when the relationship lasts for more than a year.  Over time, the closeness and depth is addicting (for lack of a better word).  Many "experts" will see this as a sign of weakness yet in our lifestyle it is one of strength.  Those who are able to fully give of themselves are the ones who enjoy the greatest benefits of a M/s relationship (this equally applies to the dominant ones too).

The other problem that a slave has is she continually looks to her Master for the guidance required.  In short, all her actions and decisions are not only wrapped around him but, also, are sanctioned by him.  Again, over time, a slave comes to depend upon this direction in her life (hopefully it is good direction and he is not a moron).  This dependence is what makes a M/s relationship deeper than most in the vanilla world because of the trust level by the slave and responsibility taken on by the Master.  Yet, when that guidance is removed, it is also the one thing that makes the break up of a M/s relationship that much more difficult to deal with.

It is not uncommon for one (a slave) to be completely lost when losing her Master.  This is especially true if she did not request release, rather, was given it by him unsolicited.  It is important to remember that her entire day, to some degree, revolved around him.  In many instances, depending upon the structure of the relationship, he might have chose what she wore each day.  Now, with him gone, where does one even begin to start?

There are thousands of articles online about how to get past a break up so I will not repeat that information here in great detail.  What I will say is that, for a slave who just lost her BDSM relationship, it is crucial to start taking some responsibility immediately.  Even while going through the "mourning" process, she needs to assert herself in her own life.  Let us not forget, there is a good chance most meaningful decisions were made for her.  Therefore, she needs to start exercising this muscle immediately.  Today, start making a basic decision.  If you were one who was not allowed to determine what you wore, make that choice now.  Also, plan out your meals for the day.  Start to use the decision-making muscle so that it gets stronger from this point forward.

Another thing that is crucial is realize that the end is not here.  It is easy to associate the break up with the lifestyle.  However, this is not the case.  Sure, when the time is right, the path to finding someone else will not be easy as we all know.  Nobody really likes to think about the prospects of jumping back onto the BDSM dating sites with the intention of finding a new partner.  We all know what is out there and it is akin to jumping into a pool of sharks.  Nevertheless, we do it because we really have no choice.  Where are we going to go?  Match.com?  Seriously, if vanilla worked, we would not be here to start with.  Nevertheless, remember that it is part of the deal and it has no bearing on you as a slave.  Relationships fail for many reasons and there is a great chance it is not all your fault (even if he tells you it is).  The bottom line is there is someone else out there for you.

Which brings up another point.  I wrote "when the time is right".  DO NOT hop back on your favorite BDSM dating site immediately and start interacting with the ones on there after just exiting a deep, emotional relationship.  You are not ready and the pretenders will only attack your already damage psyche.  They are ruthless and uncaring.  You need to take the time for yourself.  Healing is in order along with dealing with the regular actions which are required after a break up (divorce, clearing out his stuff, re-establishing relationships with friends/family, dealing with financial issues, etc...).  There is a fairly long road ahead of you and the distraction of finding another is something you do not need.  Ultimately, you do not want to find another as much as cover up the pain of being hurt.  Often, the ego is damaged and our self worth crushed.  It is at this time that we want to be in the arms/bed/bondage of another.  The problem with this is that we are just trying to feel some worth to ourselves.  This is not healthy since that can never come from an outside source.  Hence, do not do it.  Take the time for you.

Putting your life back together is possible.  It will take some time and a lot of internal struggle.  My view is the entry into BDSM begins with an internal search and that never stops.  You need to go within at this time and rediscover yourself.  There is a lot there.  Keep in mind, relationships all tend to run their course.  We have very few people who remain with us throughout our entire lives.  It is best to embrace the temporariness of everything.  Everyone, including yourself, is non-permanent.  In 150 years, none of us will be here.  The ending of a relationship, while sad when of this degree, is just another in a long line of broken ones.  We know this well.  Therefore, try to learn the lessons which are there and carry them with you forward.  Nothing you are experiencing is uncommon.  It will take some time, but there will come a day when the pain is gone.  The problem is most of us put that day off by opting to hold onto the pain for a lot longer than we should.  Nevertheless, you will bounce back from this if you allow yourself to.  It is not the end, simply another act in the play that is your life.  That individual who owned you was there for Act 3, but not the 4th one.  You are simply onto another part of the script now.  Try to keep this in mind when you find yourself in the doldrums.  The play is still going on as it should, so try to go with it.  There is a happy ending written in there for you.

DN

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