Self Bondage

This is a topic that is not covered to often in the world of BDSM but something that I feel is extremely important since I witness it in almost every individual I come across.  Obviously, like most of my posts, this subject is not what people commonly associate it with.  I am not going to delve into the fetish of "self bondage" but, rather, explore what people do to themselves.

All Issues Are Self Worth Issues

People do what they do because of what is within them.  What do I mean by this?  Basically, all external observations are a reflection of what is within one.  Basically, the outer is a product of the inner.  This is no secret since personal development people referred to this idea for the past 100 years.  The mind is a powerful mechanism.  Sadly, few people really know how to use it.  Instead, they are just puppets on the string run by an out of control "master" who devastates their lives.  Today, I hope to help break you of some of this.

As you know, I am against the conditioning of society.  Slaves, in my experience, tend to have overt self esteem issues because of the conditioning that our culture places them under.  Madison Avenue (the mecca of advertisers) promotes images of what we are suppose to look like, what we should have, and how we should live.  If you do not meet these standards, you are less than.  Obviously, the most impacted are females who are consistently bombarded by messages of what "beautiful" is.  The idea that "you are not good enough", which is programmed in us from an early age, becomes imprinted upon our psyche.  It is sad how many wonderful people I met over the years who are truly worthwhile yet did not see that themselves.

I mentioned that slaves are overt in their self esteem issues.  To the trained eye, dominants are equally as overt yet the masses miss it.  Therefore, let me tell you, most dominants have self esteem issues that are as bad as slaves.  The major difference is they "cover" it up with the idea that they are strong.  This is what leads to their online behavior of being arrogant a**holes.  Instead of acting like a self confident man, they are demeaning and abusive.  This is not strength but comes from fear.  Deep down they know they are not good enough so they compensate by flashing ego to the world. Ultimately, they are just as scared as most others.

Hence, one abuses because of low self esteem while the one being abused takes it for the same reason.  Again, neither is coming from a place of strength but, rather, weakness.  Ultimately, in life, people get exactly what they are able to handle.  Therefore, if you continually find yourself in abusive relationships, the reason is because you are too weak to handle anything else.  In other words, your self worth tells you "this is what you deserve".  To break the cycle, one must increase her self esteem so she, deep down, believes she deserves more.  Until that occurs, the cycle will repeat itself.

Fear: The Ultimate Captor

Many within the lifestyle love bondage.  It is an aspect of play that really excites me.  This simple act really emphasizes the difference in power.  One who is bound is basically at the mercy of the one doing the binding.  It is very stimulating for both a dominant and slave to envision this situation.  To be under total control really strikes at the core of a slave while doing the same to the master.  However, the same is true when one does it to oneself, unfortunately, without the same stimulation.

Most people are run by fear.  It is their overriding default.  Their mind is so out of control that it creates physical/emotional sensations in the body which dictates the action taken (or not taken).  As I said, most slaves operate from this exact place.  Their past, which is usually littered with horrific situations, continues to run their lives in each present moment.  This is the reason why many continually run.  They conditioned themselves to believe that when they start to experience something, it is time to move on.  In other words, they feel they are going to "leave" before the other person "hurts" them.

The problem with operating out of this perspective is that nobody can predict what is going to happen.  Each life situation is new.  People have a tough time internalizing this but the truth is that each individual is different from every other.  Therefore, if you are dealing with someone new, he or she is a different person than your ex, last master, or the one you slept with last week.  While cycles and patterns of behavior do occur, especially if you are failing to grow and learn, it is not necessarily the case.

Therefore, we must conclude that fear is an illusion.  Realistically, fear is only real when we are put into the "fight or flight" situation.  In other words, when we are in physical danger, a number of things happen within the body in response to the mechanism which allows us to either fight or flee.  This is a biological reaction which served our ancestors well.  However, in this era, when most of what we battle is within our heads, we need to understand this has horrendous effects.  Buying into the fears (99% of them) is unhealthy and serves no purpose.  They are just stories that our mind tells us.  Again, the truth is we do not know.

Strength

BDSM is about becoming a strong person.  Those who truly commit to this way of life and delve into themselves realize there is a lot down in their core.  The potential of most is incredible yet so few tap into it.  One thing I learned about the core (located down around the pubic hair line) is that it contains the truth.  This area is free from the myths of the mind.  It reveals to us what is true about ourselves without the false imagery out minds project.  We come to understand our domination/submission by accessing this part of ourselves.  At the same time, our sexual desires, kinks, and wants are located here.  We also uncover what it is that makes us tick and motivates us.  Our passions and what we truly want in life is also located here.  This is why I often write that BDSM is a journey within especially at the beginning.  Understanding oneself is paramount before embarking upon a relationship with another(others).  Sadly, few take this step.

Another thing that is located at our core is our strength.  Again, this is inherent in everyone.  Nobody is created weak.  The only reason why people are weak is because they refuse/fail to access what is within them.  Believing the lies of the mind is much easier than doing the necessary internal search that is required to understand oneself.  At the same time, society does not promote this idea for the simple reason is it wants people to be weak and obey.  Few have the strength to stand up on their own.  What is ironic is the fact that one is in the BDSM world shows the ability to shed the mainstream ideas (mostly from the experience of not working) and seeking something that fulfills one.  Ultimately, fulfillment comes from adhering to what the core desires.

Contrary to what the consensus seems to be, especially among the online community, slaves are and need to be strong individuals.  There is nothing more frustrating than dealing with an individual who is overrun with fear.  In fact, it is impossible to get anywhere with someone of this nature.  Instead of tapping into the natural strength within her, she succumbs to fear.  What this causes is an extremely pessimistic outlook upon life.  Each situation is viewed through "the worst case scenario" glasses.  It is as if a person of this sort is always waiting for something "bad" to happen.  Of course, this is why many opt to run before that "bad" enters their lives.  As I said, this is coming from a place of weakness and results in a lifelong habit of poor choices.

So what does strength look like.  As mentioned, this is not a boasting or telling the world how great you are.  In fact, actions like that are from the same place as running.  It is fear...the fear of not being enough.  Therefore, a person of this sort tries to make him or herself appear better by either boasting or putting another down.  Strong people have no need to do this.

A slave who is strong embraces what she is.  She is proud of her ability to submit to another at the mental level while surrendering her core.  Understanding and taking her place is something she relishes.  She is fully aware that being a slave is not a place of less than, especially when compared to dominants.  Instead, she grasps that her submissiveness is just a trait that is opposite of a dominant yet equally necessary.  Her engagement in power separation is adhering to her core and she does so without fear.  Of course, she is intelligent in her decisions while not submitting to just any moron.  She seeks out those who are true and seek to fulfill her core.  Letting go is something that might not come easily but she does so because she has full faith within herself that all will work out.  Trust is not a problem since the person she trusts the most is herself.  She looks at those areas of uncertainty in her life and takes painstaking takes the measures to understand and correct them.  Finally, she is willing to stand in and embrace what she needs/desires without fear.

It is ironic to read profiles of people who write what they are seeking and then witness them run when they get exactly what they are asking for.  On what level does this make sense.  I once wrote that "when the universe gives you exactly what you desire, it is a good idea to embrace it and not run from it".  Nevertheless, we see the actions derived from a lack of self worth taking hold.  People behave in this manner because their mind is at odds with their core.  It is always a bad idea to side with the mind when battling the core.

In the end, people are their own worst enemies.  They are in bondage, not because of others, but because of their own thought processes.  The inability to realize how special and valuable they are leads them to accept the unacceptable.  It also creates a hopeless outlook whereby one is basically "just passing the time".  Instead of moving towards something that could potentially fulfill them, they move away from it while waiting for the "bad" feelings to pass.  They will not.  Ultimately, the mind will keep generating the thoughts that lead to these feelings which keep you bound up.  Internally, all bondage is self bondage.  And, at the end of the day, the only one who can free yourself is you.

Self bondage might be a wonderful fetish but it is a terrible way to live your life.  Today, start the process of shedding the "chains" that are holding you captive.  Exercise the strength that is within you and be disciplined in your actions.  You have a lot to offer the world in spite of what your mind tells you.  Begin this process to see how wonderful your life can be.  You are truly worthy, your core tells me so.  However, what I believe means little; it is what you believe that really matters.

DN 

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