Emotional Fortitude

The other day I wrote about letting go of ideas, peoples, and beliefs.  Today, I am going to cover the idea of having emotional fortitude. Without it, we are destined to be not only failures within the BDSM world, but also in life.

Maturity

As I travel around the Internet, I see so many who are seeking those who are "mature".  What does this really mean?  Obvious, some are seeking those who are up there in years (mature is a nice way of saying "older").  However, this is not the type of mature I am referring to.

There are too many people online who simply are immature.  Perhaps it is a reflection of the larger world in general.  Nevertheless, the BDSM community seems to attract those who lack the basic skills which come from going through the aging process.  Too many act like spoiled teenagers.  It is really sad to watch and makes it proportionally more difficult for those who seek something real.

My conclusion is that immature people simply are not able to have fulfilling and sustained relationships.  Instead, they rush into things with little regard for those who are affected by their decisions.  At the same time, their interactions tend to be completely self-centered.  This appears to take on a greater toll within the BDSM world because, for some reason, too many, especially dominants, believe that a BDSM relationship is a one-way street.  They fail to realize that, like all relationships, the BDSM relationship is a two-way structure where each person needs fulfillment to enjoy long-term success.  Of course, approaching a relationship in the aforementioned way shows a lack of maturity.

Being mature also mandates that one has a certain level of emotional control.  Unfortunately, it is no surprise to see this is missing among many within the BDSM community.  Instead of exhibiting the strength necessary to handle situations as they arise, people of this ilk tend to "lose it".  I am always stunned at the lack of emotional control many "Masters" have.  Part of my training in the "art of mastery" is that one be in control of himself emotionally.  As I often write on here, "to control another one must be able to control himself".  Those who are apt to have fits of rage certainly do not qualify as masters in my book.  Being able to control oneself emotionally is paramount for BDSM success.  A sub/slave cannot expect to excel when she is consistently unsure of the reaction she will receive from a dominant/master.  Emotional consistency is a foundational piece for any relationship.

Emotional Fortitude

Now that we covered being able to control oneself emotionally, I want to approach a different aspect of this realm.  Emotional fortitude equals strength.  This is a point I want to drive home.  Those who are strong and have power are emotionally strong.  The simple fact is that situations come along that none of us like.  Those who are emotionally strong are able to excel even when the circumstances are not appealing.  The ones who lack this tend to crumble like a cracker being stepped upon.

I referred to the post on letting go earlier because this brings up a prime example of the strength that is required to succeed in this area.  No matter what it is, whether friends, family, ideas, or beliefs, letting go is not easy.  If you question this, look at all the stuff in your closet that you simply "cannot get rid of".  Your emotional attachment is great.  The same holds true for all on the list I just mentioned.  It is extremely difficult to get rid of a person who is close to you.  To do this requires great inner strength when it is the proper action.  Fear is an ever-present enemy.  We need to muster the energy from within us to overcome.

One area I see many get frustrated is with the BDSM "dating" sites.  We are all well aware of the trolls, fakes, and pretenders that dwell in that realm.  Sadly, the Internet, while helping our lifestyle greatly, also opened the door to anyone who can type and establish a profile.  This created a forum whereby this sludge can fester.  So far, I found no way around it so it is something we have to deal with.

Finding someone compatible through the online mechanism is a challenge to say the least.  Those who enter this world understand how quickly one can get fed up with all the games that are played.  It is common for many to pull away because of what they encounter using these mechanisms.  While I understand the frustration, this is where one needs to have the internal fortitude to persevere.  Backing off might seem like a sensible idea when the discouragement is great.  However, I can assure you, like the lottery, you must be in the game to win.  One will not find a BDSM relationship by pulling away.

Therefore, it is extremely important that one hang in there and keep going.  Yes, it is difficult.  I realize the desire to open up another email containing some of the most ignorant statements known to mankind wanes.  However, remember, you are seeking the proverbial needle in the haystack.  95% of all you encounter out there are not going to match up with you.  Accept that as a fact going in.  Do not allow rejection to get you down.  Have the strength to keep going.

Motivation

Once of the biggest differences between the successful in any endeavor and those who are not is how they handle adversity.  It will come as no surprise to you that the unsuccessful allow adversity to get them down while the successful get motivated to take action.  I am going to hypothesize that most of you will not be shocked to learn this same practice is required for success within the BDSM world.

As I stated, there are times we all face situations we do not like.  To focus upon the BDSM lifestyle, one common occurrence is the ending of a relationship.  Contrary to some of the "romantic" posts you see in profiles online, BDSM relationships are rarely forever.  They do end and it is often in a not so friendly way.  The end result is pain.  So what is one to do when he or she confronts himself with that situation?  Well one can opt to get eaten up by what happened and dwell upon the loss or get motivated to do something.  I recall discussing this situation with a guy I know in the lifestyle.  He was left high and dry by his "slave" who he owned for a number of years.  I lost touch with him for a while only to contact him a year later.  After that time, I came to find out he lost 40 pounds and improved his healthy considerably.  This is what I mean by taking a situation and getting motivated by it.  I am sure the pain he suffered was great.  However, he had the emotional fortitude to not let it get him down and to, actually, turn it into a positive.

I want you to recall this example the next time you open yet another email from a supposed "dominant" which starts out with the atypical "hey slut".  While it is easy to fall prey to the "ah screw it", this will not lead to you enjoying what you desire out of BDSM.  I presume you are on sites like we mentioned to actually meet someone.  Do not allow the morons and idiots to dictate to you how your life proceeds.  Times like that require you to start searching profiles and sending out some emails on your own (Yes subs/slaves can hit up dominants/masters unsolicited).  Get motivated to go after what you want.  Use the frustration and, dare I say, anger to your advantage.  Put the energy generated within you to good use.  Become the one who dictates the path that your life takes (again this is something a sub/slave must do at least until she is under control of another). 

One final thought.  By now, you should realize that I believe emotional fortitude applies equally to submissives and dominants.  So many believe that a sub/slave should be weak.  Nothing is further than the truth.  A weak slave is pretty useless.  One needs strength to submit fully.  Those who cannot tend to fight the wrong battle, thus sabotaging the entire relationship.  Emotional maturity, control and strength is a trait that all people need to exhibit.  Within BDSM, there are a lot of challenges we encounter which are not present in the vanilla world.  Having the internal power to overcome these are what eventually leads to fulfillment.  And, ultimately, this is what we are all after.

DN  

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Acting Like Everyone Owes You Something

This post is for those people who identify themselves as dominant in nature.

Over the years, I had countless conversations with subs/slaves about the behavior of the so called dominants online.  Quite frankly, it is baffling to say the least.  I understand that the anonymity of the Internet gives people a bigger set of balls then they would have in real life but this gets excessive.  So, I thought I would put together a post that helps to clarify things.

To start, for all you dominants out there, nobody owes you crap.  You are not owed respect.  Nobody needs to call you Sir, Master, or Lord.  Just because you are dominant, self titled at that, that means absolutely nothing.  This identification does not give you the right to act like a total asshole and say whatever you want.  Thinking that you are something simply because you put one of the aforementioned words before your name does not amount to much.  In fact, your behaviors are actually showing everyone how small you truly are.

One thing that everyone needs to keep in mind is that subs/slaves are people. Do you understand what I am saying?  Simply because an individual identifies herself as a submissive type, that doesn't mean she is less than you.  Submission is the opposite side of the domination coin, that is all.  One is not better or worse than the other.  In fact, it takes each to complete the other.  If you have difficulty understanding this, try to dominant without anyone submitting.  You will find it rather difficult.

Since submissive personalities are people, it is best to approach them with the common courtesy bestowed upon all individuals.  When interacting with someone for the first time in real life, do you walk up and call her cunt, whore, slut, or pig?  If you do, I imagine your social skills require some work.  However, if you are like most people and do not do this, what makes you think it is appropriate online?  Consider that for a few minutes.  What applies in person also applies online.

I know what some of you are thinking.  There are many subs who like to be interacted with and degraded.  That is true.  However, as with all things in BDSM, that requires consent.  So even though a sub wants to be talked down to, that does not mean she wants to be interacted in that way by you.  This is especially true in the first email or interaction.  You have to be given the right to interact with her in such a manner.  Before that occurs, she deserves to be treated like everyone else.

So, in closing, stop acting like the world's biggest ass.  You are not big and bad simply because you call yourself a dominant.  As mentioned, it is my guess the more you do this, the less the submissive types think of you.  Certainly, I feel you are proving yourself to be rather small.  Are you trying to compensate for having a less than average penis?  Is that why you insist on behaving in this way?  Stop feeling as if people owe you anything.  Until proven otherwise, you are just some clown online who set up a profile.  Hence, you showed that you have basic computer skills, that is all.  Other than that, there is nothing about you that shows you are dominant.  Start acting like someone who has a clue what this is all about and perhaps you will get a bit further.

DN  

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Letting Go

Over the last few weeks, I wrote a number of articles dealing with depth and doing what we can to access that which is within us.  Over that time, I repeatedly mentioned striving to connect with our "core".  This is a process which paid extreme dividends in my life and in the lives of those who also went through this process.  I believe many long time BDSM people all go through this process to one degree or another.

One of the most basic tenets is the process of letting go.  To achieve anything in the BDSM world, actually in life, we need to let go of things.  What does this mean?  Basically, we are looking at the process of clearing out the old so the new can penetrate.

Begin Immediately

What I am going to discuss in this post applies to everyone from the first time they set foot in the BDSM world.  This is not reserved for those with years of experience under their belts.  In fact, it is best for the new person to be aware of this process as he or she begins the BDSM journey while applying it on a regular basis.

We all enter this world with "baggage".  This is the leftover remnants from all of our experiences previously.  Some of this can be physical while other "baggage" is mental and emotional.  Either way, it is best to start the cleansing process at once.

One of the first things we notice is that we all have a belief system which, in large part, is not our own.  We are taught what to believe throughout our entire upbringing.  Of course, this does not end once we reach adulthood.  Everyday we encounter entities which are molding and shaping our thinking.  Advertisers, employers, religious institutions, philosophers, and even our friends and family all have ideas they are putting into our minds which we absorb like sponges.  Now, I am not going to say all that they teach us is wrong or bad.  The central point I am making is to be aware of the fact that your beliefs are not your own.

Ricard Dawkins once said that religious identification is 90% based upon your parents and geographic location.  This is a telling sign of how powerful indoctrination is.  Faith is an important matter to many people yet most did not freely choose what to believe or practice.  Instead, they followed the practice of their parents or one of the acceptable disciplines of their region.  The majority do not take the time to research all that is out there before drawing their own conclusions.  What is completely absurd is that these same people will defend this belief while arguing it at length without realizing they did not choose it.

This same concept applies to social norms.  Our culture basically views the romantic/sexual relationship as a one-on-one situation between a man and a woman.  This is what is considered normal and what society strives to instill in all of us.  It is also a situation where equality is shared among the partners.  Anything to the contrary (which BDSM is) is ostracized and look down upon.  People who opt for power exchange relationships, the single life, poly structure or anything else that does not fit this model are views with distaste.  Again, society wants everyone to follow the edicts it sets down.  Unfortunately, this only leads to slavery (and not the kind we discuss in BDSM).

Therefore, the first step is to realize that much of what you are entering the BDSM world believing is not of your choosing.  This inclination should also lead you to question how absurd it is to defend a belief that you did not freely embrace.  Understand the power of conditioning so that you can begin the process of letting go of some of these old ideas.

House Cleaning

Every year, millions of people do their annual Spring cleaning.  This is where people,  usually in colder areas, start the process of opening up the house with the arrival of warmer weather.  During this process, much of the old stuff acquired over previous years is cleaned out and discarded.  In essence, it is a new beginning.  After months of locked up in the house, one is able to get into the garage to clean it out.  Winter clothing is sifted through with some eliminated while the rest is packed away for the next winter.  It is a physical cleansing process which is practical.

This is a process that those of us who are in BDSM go through on a regular basis also.  While the above example deals with the physical, I am referring more to the mental and emotional.  Sure, there are times a dominant will go through his box of tools and clean them out.  Over time, we acquire or create accessories for play that no longer serve a purpose.  It is helpful to eliminate them for no other reason than to make room in the toy box for more. 

We start the process with our beliefs.  It is time to let go of some of your long held beliefs.  Open-mindedness is paramount in the BDSM world.  So many enter it believing how they see things is right.  It is amazing to watch people who are involved in a lifestyle where they are regularly judged by others doing the same thing.  The "my kink is okay but yours is not" view is alive and well.  Remember this as you travel around and see things which stun you.  While it might not be your cup of tea, today, it is for someone else.  Respect that with the realization that, someday, as you evolve, you just might find yourself embracing that same practice.  Approached correctly, you will not be the same person 5 years from now as you are today.  Be mindful of this before judging.

Letting go of old ideas is extremely difficult.  We grew up in a world where we were taught that hitting another is wrong.  When this is done in a relationship, they term this "abuse".  People who are abusive face arrest and counseling.  Yet, upon entering the BDSM world, one finds that this behavior is commonplace and it is not abuse.  There are people who opt for this behavior willingly and want to be treated in this manner.  You can see how the old conditioning can conflict with what is presently being encountered.  The same is true for what many term "gross".  Again, while it might not be for you, somebody else does not think that it is that way.  It is something they want to do and receive some pleasure or benefit out of it.  Your judgment is based upon your prior conditioning.  This is something that we all need to let go of.

People

In addition to thoughts and beliefs, the other major area which often requires cleansing is with people.  Now, I will admit, this gets to be a touchy subject with many.  It is difficult to discard or move away from relationships (not necessarily romantic/sexual) that are not conducive to what we are seeking.  But the simple fact is there are many people who do not fit into our lives as we evolve.

Over the years, I heard the term "psychic" or "energy" vampire applied to describe people who simply suck the life right out of you.  These are those individuals who consistently leave you drained after interacting with them.  They tend to be self absorbed to the nth degree which means all conversations focus upon them.  They like to tell of all their woes to share their burden with you.  Naturally, if you are a considerate person, you will ultimately take on their "baggage", at least emotionally.  In many instances, it is hard not to feel bad for these people and empathize with them.  Unfortunately, that is exactly what they want.  This only serves to lessen your ability to deal with what is going on in your life.  So, I suggest you take a hard look at those people who might fit into this category and eliminate them.  The simple fact is this is a one-sided relationship when it should be a two-way street.  It is unhealthy and serves to add little to your life.  Letting go of it might be painful but is required.  It is one step towards freedom

At the same time, there are a host of relationships we have which no longer serve our purpose.  Again, it is difficult to break away from long established people who were at the center of our lives.  Family, spouses, and close friends all fit into this category.  One problem few people realize is that life is not static.  We are ever changing especially as we begin our journey into BDSM.  This is a process where we see radical changes in our viewpoints and desires.  Unfortunately, those who are around us are not always supportive of our choices.  To start, they do not understand in most instances.  Secondly, if one exercising personal power and makes a choice, that hinders the power their conditioning has.  Finally, some simply did not opt for this way of life and it is not for them.  Holding onto these people, closely, can prove to be extremely draining emotionally.  One finds him or herself in continual conflict.  As more of the ideas of BDSM penetrate, less of those from the traditional world apply.  Hence, we are placed in the position of having to decide which way to go.  Sadly, most put off this decision until the point of critical mass when an explosion takes place.

From my experience, I noticed that family is the toughest to do this with.  This is especially true if one has a close relationship with his or her relatives.  However, the disappointing truth is that no matter how open-minded most claim to be, few are able to accept the decisions we make for ourselves.  Again, they have the societal ideas about BDSM which prejudices there views.  Going home and telling your parents or sister that you are a slave and just submitted to a Master who can do whatever he wants to you is going to raise some concern.  While family members proclaim to be acting in our best interest, often they are acting in their own.  It is at this time we need to step back from those relationships to a certain degree.  Certainly, eliminating them from your life might not be needed but that closeness of openly sharing that existed before might not be present any longer.  This is a simple fact of the choice to enter BDSM.  We realize that few understand and trying to explain it is a fruitless proposition..

One final thought, this concept also applies to your path and the people within BDSM.  There are times that a particular relationship is not working for whatever reason.  When you are aware of this, if you conclude it cannot be altered, it is a good idea to let this go also.  Again, people change over time.  Perhaps the dominant you fell for 10 years ago is not the same.  Or that slave decides she wants something different.  Whatever the reason, and there are hundreds of them, the simple fact that things change means that it might be best to let go or alter that interaction.  This also takes place among "friends" within the lifestyle.  Some grow while other do not.  At times, it can be prudent to step back from an individual who you were close to.  Ultimately, we all have our own journey to walk.  Some are on the path with use for a long time, others for only a short time.  Nevertheless, when all is said and done, it is our journey.

In my next post, I will discuss this matter in greater detail, but for now I will just mention there is a lot of fear that goes along with letting go.  Holding onto something, even potentially damaging, is certain.  When we let go of something, that creates the state of the unknown.  This instills fear in many people.  Simply understand that it is part of the process and should be embraced.  Everyone experiences fear and letting go is not easy.  However, when we do cleanse out that which is not working, we create the opportunity for more to enter.  I once read that the universe abhors a vacuum.  What this means is that once a space is created, it will soon be filled.  If you want to test this, go create an open space in your closet by getting rid of some things and you see how quickly it takes to fill.  You will see the accuracy of this idea within a couple of weeks.  My point is that new experiences await us if we are open to them.  However, sometimes, before they can occur, we need to let go of something that is standing in the way.  Fear is part of the process and needs to be overcome.  Simple walk through it trusting that more is out there for you.

Until next time, have an orgasmic day.

DN 

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Sexual Sadism

Many in the lifestyle call themselves "sadists".  For the sake of all the submissives out there, I certainly hope this is incorrect.   If there are people who are into sadism in BDSM, the we need to clean the lifestyle up.

Here is what Merriam-Webster defines sadism as:

sa·dism

noun \ˈsā-ˌdi-zəm, ˈsa-\

: enjoyment that someone gets from being violent or cruel or from causing pain; especially : sexual enjoyment from hurting or punishing someone

Does this sound like someone we want in the lifestyle?  A true sadist is a lunatic.  This is a person who enjoys harming small children and kills pets for pleasure.  Fortunately, we do not find many of these people within the BDSM community.  So if the people are not true sadists, what are they?

The answer is in the fact that they are "sexual sadists" or "kinky sadists".  Like the true sadist, this is a person who derives pleasure from inflicting pain on another individual and sexual enjoyment is often present.  However, there is one major point that separates the two.  A "sexual sadist" likes inflicting pain on another person who also likes to receive the pain.  This point is moot to a true sadist. 

Therefore, a sadist in the BDSM world adheres to the SSC idea.  His enjoyment of causing another pain results from the other getting equal or more enjoyment herself.  It is not a one way street.

Keep this difference in mind.

DN  

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Slaves Versus Sluts

 I am starting something a little different here today.  Each week, I will continue my regular posts which appear in depth.  However, I am now going to add thoughts throughout the week as they strike me about matters pertaining to the world of BDSM.  These will be shorter in nature and I hope you find them helpfully.

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As I travel the different profiles online, I regularly come across those who claim to be sex slaves.  Now my regular readers know how much I value slaves and do not take the term lightly.  It is one worthy of respect and honor since it is not an easy place to get to.  Slavery goes against everything taught to us by society.  It is the one thing you can say is 100% in direct opposition to cultural norms and it seems almost across the board.  Yet here we are in a lifestyle that not only embraces but esteems it also.

My point is that those who claim to be "sex slaves" are really degrading those who are true slaves.  To start, a sex slave is one who is sold into slavery and performed sexual activities for money for the benefit of her captors.  Societies fight against this worldwide ring is well documented.  Therefore, when one says she is a "sex slave" she really is not.  What is she then?

Our society looks down with its Puritan eyes.  Sex is still a taboo subject throughout most of the world.  Few places embrace sex openly.  Instead, it is something that is still a backroom activity done under certain conditions.  This viewpoint gets more extreme when it comes to women.  The "men are studs, women are sluts" mantra is alive and well.  Women who sleep around are looked down upon, it is that simple.

Now, getting back to our "sex slaves", they were raised in this environment.  Hence, they are not seeking to be ostracized.  So, what is done?  Our horny vixens find a lifestyle were open sex with different partners in every configuration is accepted.  BDSM offers the opportunity for one to find whatever he or she is seeking.  It is the perfect umbrella for someone who wants to be a total slut without having to be disgraced for it.  And that is what these individuals do.  They term themselves "sex slaves" meaning they will screw whomever they are told to but do not even think about asking them for domestic service.

The bottom line is that people of this sort are into themselves.  Their actions are done for themselves only.  They are looking at for #1.  Let us contrast this with a slave who has the motivation to serve in whatever capacity she is asked to.  Her life is not her own.  In the sexual arena, since that is what we are referring to, she might well do the same exact things as our "sex slaves".  The difference is the slave does it because she is told and it provides pleasure, satisfaction, or fulfillment to her Master.  The actions taken are not about her.  She might or might not enjoy it.  Either way, that is not the primary focus.  Another difference is the true slave would not engage in this behavior unless told to by her owner.  The "sex slave", well she is doing it because she wants to.

Therefore, the only conclusion I can draw is that a "sex slave" is really nothing more than a slut.  Since service is not part of her make, she is just using BDSM to cover up the fact she wants to screw around.

DN

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The Point Of No Return

Over the last few weeks, I wrote about going deeper within to enhance our BDSM experience.  Too many simply live at the surface never delving further down into themselves.  In my last post, I discussed getting to our "core" and listening to that.  Starting this process will reveal to us more answers as we learn to follow what it tells us.

Initial Entry

People approach the BDSM world for many different reasons.  Some people just happen to stumble across it online.  Others were reared in a BDSM household and have decades of knowledge.  Most followed the traditional path offered by the vanilla world only to find a lack of fulfillment.  This began a conscious search for "something more" which led to this world.  No matter what the reasoning is, almost all of us start at the same point.  We are basically clueless and naive yet have some inner need.

Things begin to change once people arrive at this world.  Some are what I call "tire kickers".  We see these profiles on many different lifestyle sites.  They are noticeable by the lines in their profiles that go something like this: "I am just here looking around to see what interests me".  People of this nature tend to float out as quickly as they entered.  They have no intention of "buying".  Instead, they are just trying to pass their time while, in many instances, getting a bit of kink on.

Everybody else starts the journey with different goals in mind (or perhaps none at all) while progressing at his or her own pace.  Again, we need to be mindful of the individuality of this expedition.  Not everybody is seeking the same thing and most will be drawn to what fulfills them.  Many are simply looking for ways to enhance their sex lives with their existing partner.  These people already have an established relationship and want a bit more out of what they are doing.  Perhaps they felt the pull of domination/submission and want to implement it in their relationship.

Whatever the desire or goals, it is prudent to remember that everyone happens upon BDSM for their own reasons.  However, once the door is opened, people take different paths.

Fulfillment

A universal reason why people start the journey in BDSM is because of a lack of fulfillment.  Quite simply, they are not happy with the existing conditions in their present lives.  There is something missing and the hope is that BDSM will provide fill that need.

Obviously, many of us who remain in this way of life for an extended period of time realize BDSM does offer fulfillment.  Certainly, it has it ups and downs but is that BDSM or life in general?  Just because we decide to practice an "alternative lifestyle", that does not mean we are exempt from life itself.  The same situations that "normal" people encounter are also part of our world.  Financial, family, and health issues are as common for a BDSM "lifer" as anyone else.

That being said, we also realize, for us, the payoff is intense.  In spite of the frustrations and pitfalls we encounter, BDSM also provides us with opportunities to realize deeply held desires and dreams.  Yes, we are able to live out scenarios at the fantasy level (i.e. sex).  However, it is also deeper than that.  We can reach a level of fulfillment not offered anywhere else.  People find that the depth of BDSM relationships can far exceed that of anything they experienced in the vanilla world.  It is often quite startling to people how quickly this depth can happen.  A person experienced in BDSM who went deep within himself will often be able to take one who is ready to a level that surpasses a 10 year marriage in a very short period of time.  Of course, the key is that one needs to be ready.

What often happens is that one spends years preparing for the entry into BDSM.  It is not uncommon for individuals, once they are aware of what occurs within themselves, to look back and realize that these desires were present as far back as childhood.  Ironically, and sadly, one knew she was submissive, as an example, at a young age but spent decades chasing the myth of society only to realize what was present all along.  Society does not answer the questions we have about this when it arises so young.  We are taught the traditional model and any deviation will put the forces to work to put one back on that path (ie a trip to the child psychologist or therapist).

The bottom line is that many enter BDSM with a deep-seeded need which went unfulfilled for most of his or her life.  BDSM offers the opportunity to fill that need.  Of course, the thing about opportunity is that it is useless unless we take advantage of it when presented.

The Point Of No Return

What I am going to discuss in closing today is something that not everyone reaches.  However, those that do are what I term BDSM "lifers".  These are individuals who make BDSM a central part of their lives.  Basically what they are doing is living in accordance to what is uncovered in their core.  Instead of kicking tires like so many, they do the work required to arrive at some hard answers.  Once these are unearthed, progress is made by following the path that is set out.

Change happens in an instant.  This is a universal truth.  We can never tell when that one event, piece of information, or conversation will forever alter our lives.  The typical path of one entering BDSM is to start reading to build up the knowledge base.  At the same time, and usually too quickly, one goes out seeking to get into a BDSM relationship.  This invariably becomes another educational tool as most of us know from experience.  Dealing with the wonderful creatures that travel the Internet becomes a basis for some incredible, albeit frustrating, knowledge.  After licking his or her wounds a time or two, our searcher finds a place and people where he or she feels comfortable and gets the instruction/guidance needed.  At this point, along with the internal excursion I so often discuss, one progresses and grows within the lifestyle.  This part of the journey can take a short period of time like months or it can carry on for years.  Until that point when.....

BAAAAAAAMMMMM!!!!

It happens.  The individual passes the point of no return.  What does this mean?  Suddenly, something clicked within the individual which means returning to the prior state is impossible.  It could be a conversation. Or it might be something is read.  Or it could be a realization through meditation or self examination.  Or it could be a bad experience.  Whatever the stimulus, the central fact is our person is now different.  Something was revealed to him or her which basically means going back to the person he or she was last week is out of the question.  In short, his or her world was turned upside down.  Things become clear and one is able to see things that were missed before.  Of course, depending upon one's present situation, this can create a host of problems that need to be dealt which and often, they are not pleasant.  This is the point where many want to run and stick their heads back in the proverbial sand.  Sadly, for those who truly crossed this line after years of searching, this is not possible.  The "core" provided answers which are too powerful to ignore.  One can try for a while but the pull will always be there.  That is why our individuals reached the point of no return.  Vanilla is now officially out.  Our "newbie" has become a BDSM "lifer".  Any actions that are to the contrary will not lead to fulfillment but more lacking.

And trust me when I tell you this, that inner lack which drove one to start the search for BDSM is minor in comparison to the pull once one passes the point of no return.  I know this from experience, it is a daily burn that sits within you and remains there until you listen to it.  There simply is no escape.

DN 

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Getting To Your Core

Over the last few weeks, I wrote a great deal about seeking to go deeper within ourselves in an effort to advance through BDSM.  Many people are confused about how this is achieved so I will try to explain in further detail what I mean.

"Core"

I often mention that part of the process we all go through is to find exactly what is in our "core".  Some have written asking me to clarify what I mean by this.  Our "core" is located in the body right around our pubic line.  It is the area that is just below the navel and contains the most powerful energy within the body.  This is where we find out the truth about ourselves.  It is also the area where all our BDSM answers reside.  Sadly, this is a place few ever delve into.

Before going any further, I will mention that this is not a new concept nor something I made up.  For those who studied some of the Eastern philosophies you will understand exactly what I am talking about.  The "core" is the location of one of the chakras in the body.  Many believe there are 7 chakras or power centers running from the top of our head to the bottom of our main body.  The areas are believed to be power centers within the body.

The "core" is what is known as the sexual chakra.  It is full of sexual energy.  As I stated, this is believed to be the most powerful energy in the body.  Those who are enlightened or advanced in their practices are able to "raise" up this energy to enhance their lives.  Now, please note that I am not advocating that you become a Far Eastern guru.  I mention this simply to make you aware of the fact of the age old belief system that is in operation.

Another thing that I will mention is that simply because it is termed "sexual" energy, we are not talking about sex specifically.  While sex is a part of the picture, it is not the entire picture.  Those who often follow this core energy for solely sexual purposes find themselves in hot water.  This is how a President could end up impeached over an intern and a cigar.  However, when put towards constructive purposes, this is the same energy that enables artists to create wonderful masterpieces.  It is also where one finds what is often termed "passion".  As Napolean Hill mentioned in his book "Think and Grow Rich", this energy needs to be transmuted for higher purposes.

What is interesting is the fact that many people are aware of this energy and their "core" upon entering the BDSM world without knowing what it means.  Many individuals find themselves sexually aroused when they start interacting with another or researching BDSM.  If you notice physically the part of the body we are referring, you will see that it is located close to the genitalia.  When one taps into his or her "core", the energy often manifests itself through the sexual organs.  It is also why so many find domination/submission so erotic.  When this resides deep within a person and is allowed to be accessed, then it is only natural for that power to emerge in this manner.  Of course, because of the limited mindset of many especially online, I will again state this is not just about sex.  It is about watching for the signals which tells us what is present in our "core".

Lower Knowledge

Like the term "core", there are many different words used to convey the next idea I am about to express.  I use the term "lower knowledge" simply because we are referring to the lower parts of the body or chakras.  Obviously, the higher one are located from the heart and above.  This is where we see "intelligence" comes from.  The problem with this area of the body is it is rather weak.

To fully understand this idea, imagine a line running from the top of the end to the body of the main body.  Along this line are energy centers which provide us with answers.  The deeper one is on the body, when it emerges, the more power the force it wields.  So, if we start at the top, we basically have the mind, then the heart, then the gut, then the "core".  Using our example, what do you think is the weakest energy?  Obviously the mind.  Does this surprise you?  It should not.  Let us look at the next one, the heart.  Wouldn't you agree this is much stronger than the mind?  How many people do you know married a person because he or she "loved" him/her in spite of overwhelming evidence that the person was bad news.  Any rational person would have run.  Yet this individual, because of love, proceeded forward.  The heart won out over the mind.

If we proceed further, for those who are adept at listening to their intuition, this is located at the gut level.  Again, we know of instances where people did things counter to what their minds were telling them simple because "something inside of them told them" told them to do so.  The gut reaction was much more powerful than the mind in that instance.

Finally, as you can guess, the next step down is the sexual energy located at your core.  Now you understand why I mention that it is the most powerful energy in the body.  It overwhelms the mind, the heart, and even the intuition.  This is where people who love their spouse and risk  losing everything will still cheat (remember that President).  Logically, it makes no sense for this person to do this.  He or she does actually love the spouse.  It is simply the non-targeted sexual energy that gets the best of them.

Therefore, to experience the most power within ourselves, we need to access the lower knowledge that is within us.  Many of the sophisticated folks out there believe this is too primal and of no use.  I hope I showed you the futility of trying to rationalize (of the mind) everything.  I see many in the BDSM who know a lot through reading and research but really know little since it is all "book" knowledge.  There is no personal knowledge of oneself which accesses any power.  It is only through learning about our "primal" selves that we can advance.

Society Versus Nature

There is a line I read some time ago which I find very practical.  It basically says that nature's values are of the body while society's (human) values are of the mind.  This is an important concept to comprehend.  Simply put, this entire post is about what is natural for you.

Our "core" is not something we develop or create.  It is there naturally.  One does not learn to become submissive as an example.  It is always within that person.  Hence the characteristic is not created but uncovered.  We unmask what is in our "core" by getting past all the confusion that society places in the way.  All the conditioning we endure serves only to hide what is within us.  For example, we are reared in a world where equality tends to be the mantra.  We need to "level the playing field".  This is a prime example of a societal creation that opposes nature.  Of course, all of us can intellectualize equality and even agree it makes sense.  The problem is nowhere in nature does that exist.  Nature operates on the law of "survival of the fittest".  Therefore, when we access our "core" we do not find equality but, rather, inequality.  And here is where your domination or submission resides.

BDSM is natural because it allows us to openly embrace the inequality that resides.  We structure our relationships around this exact premise.  Those who are naturally submissive are drawn to those dominant and vice versa.  Many experience an ease upon entering the lifestyle that they never had before.  Relationships can develop naturally and quickly without force.  The hindrances that people encounter in the vanilla world often are not present in BDSM.  When one knows what is natural for oneself, it is easy to see when one meets someone of the ilk that fills what is missing.  The difficulty arises when we allow the teachings and conditioning of society to hinder what is emerging.  Too often, one gets scared when he or she goes deep.  It is often startling to uncover what always was there.   At times, it is far easier to run back to the world of "upper knowledge" and nestle back into society's blanket.  Sadly, since this is in opposition to one's core, it leaves on rather unfulfilled.  This is why many cannot return to a vanilla relationship after finding BDSM; it simply does not fill the need that is deep within.

I will cover more on this subject in the next post since it is a rather lengthy idea.  For now, start the process of sitting quietly and listening to what is in your core.  Ask yourself some questions about your life and see what sensations arise in the area described.  Notice if an idea or concept (not a person) sexually turns you on.  If it does, pay attention to that, your "core" is speaking to you.  Having this knowledge will allow you to make better decisions in the future.

"To thy own self be true".

DN 

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Preparation

Impatience seems to be a universal human trait.  Everywhere I look people are rushing to get something (or somewhere) and are in a hurry about it.  Few take time to slow down.  Instead, they set their focus upon something while going full tilt to get there.  Of course, once there, they then look to the next place.  This seems to continue indefinitely.

Within the BDSM world, we see this same impatience.  People have such a need to get into a BDSM relationship that they do not take time to consider what it all means.  BDSM is a very large umbrella.  There are many different facets to the lifestyle.  It is up to each of us to consider what is attractive and what is not.  In others words, it is our responsibility to structure our lives as we see fit.  This is something that few are accustomed to since society tends to tell us what it wants for us.  BDSM offers the freedom for you to do as you see fit.  However, with freedom comes responsibility, something most want to overlook.

Present Situation

We all have a present situation.  At this moment, our lives are how they are.  Every decision we made in the past helped to shape who we are today and the surrounding we find ourselves in.  Good or bad, we are simply where we are at.  This we cannot change.  The past is but a memory as they say.  To try to start from someplace you are not is simply foolhardy.  The first step is always to acknowledge what is around us before we can move on from there.  Our existing knowledge level is what it is and only through increasing this can we change.

The pace we change things is also something to consider.  There are many things in life that we can alter in an instant.  The decision to work out is an example.  It only takes split second to decide that you are going to change your exercise routine (or adopt one) and to start.  However, it will take weeks or months before you start to notice substantial change.  If you worked out in the past, the likelihood of receiving benefits quicker is greater than for the person who started for the first time.  Again, we see knowledge level and experience of the first time exercise junkie at a low level as compared to the other person.  However, with time, this will change.

In the BDSM world, we often see people find this way of life later in life.  By later in life I mean that most do not come across it as teenagers.  Instead, they follow the traditional path as espoused by society, sometimes for decades before realizing they are unfulfilled and beginning their search.  The problem this creates is that, oftentimes, past decisions simply cannot be walked away from.  I found the most common situation has to do with children.  A newcomer to the lifestyle determines that she (in most instances) wants to be dominated.  Through her search, she realizes this is how she wants to live and is anxious to get started now.  Of course, there is one problem.  In the past, she bought into the idea of meet a guy, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after.  Well, our newbie followed 3 of the 4 and now has a bit of "baggage" to contend with.  Many are still married while others are primary caregivers for the children.  This creates a problem if one is seeking to instantly move into a full blown BDSM relationship, especially if she desires something to the more extreme end of the spectrum.

As you can see, the present situation is not easily resolved.  In most instances, walking away is not an option.  This is especially true if the kids are in their pre-teen or teen years.  Hence our sub/slave in the making finds herself in quite a pickle.  Her past choices prevent her from moving forward at this time.

So what does one do?

Prepare

 
The answer is simple: prepare for the day that you can move on from your present circumstances and into the lifestyle you desire.

Few people ever consider this option.  The person in the situation I just mentioned hse 5-10 years to prepare before the responsibilities of her past decisions are fulfilled.  This is a lot of time to become knowledgeable about what life she wants to lead.  Of course, the impatience tends to get the best of most leading them to start looking for something else, i.e. leaving the lifestyle.  If one cannot get it now, she does not want it seems to be the norm.

As I mentioned above, BDSM is a wide and varied lifestyle.  There are lots of facets for one to explore.  It literally will take years to research and ponder all that is out there.  Also, it takes a great deal of time to look within oneself and see what is truly desired.  This is not a process that is completed in a matter of days.  It is a continuing journey even for those who are most adept at it.  Naturally, the process is compounded in terms of difficulty when one is first starting out.  Most of society is not trained to look deep within .  This is a novel idea which requires struggle in the beginning.  However, dedication and persistence do pay off in the end.

So, how does one go about preparing for a BDSM life when she has nothing more than time on her hands?  The Internet is a wonderful tool because it offers so much information.  Sadly, there is a lot of misinformation out there but having the time to research different points of view will allow one to determine what is valid and what is not.  Hence, reading becomes a starting point to begin the journey.

Another place to look is the porn industry.  Now, my regular readers know I am of the opinion that the porn industry puts forth a skewed view of the BDSM way of life.  To them, it is all "whips and chains".  Anyone who is around BDSM for even a short time realizes there is a lot more to it than that.  However, the porn industry does an excellent job of presented all the different fetishes that are out there.  This is an important part of the process.  With so much to indulge in, it is crucial that one knows what he or she likes especially when trying to find someone with similar tastes.  Many, especially the ones who are rushing things, seem to think they will simply get in a relationship and do whatever the dominant/master wants.  Oh really?  What if he is into diaper play and wants to treat you like a baby?  Is that acceptable to you?  For some, the answer is yes but I feel that is not the majority.  My belief is this might be a deal breaker for the masses.  Therefore, determining what fetishes or or activities are in line with your likes is a part of the process that should never be skipped.

Skills are something else that take time to develop.  Few seem to realize that certain skills are required for both a dominant and submissive.  Like anything in life, the more we practice, the better we get at it.  If you are one who finds yourself with time on your hands before being able to move into a BDSM relationship full time, look at what skills you can be working on in the meantime.  If dominant, are you looking for ways to improve your impact play?  Are you working on your knot tying?  How about your ability in impact play?  Are you studying and practicing some of the more extreme aspects like fire play?  If submissive, are you working on your pain threshold?  How is your kneeling?  Are you interested in being/living as Gorean?  Are you practicing the protocols so they are second nature to you?  These are all activities which can be done in preparation for the day when you enter the search for a BDSM relationship for real.

Time

Time is an interesting concept.  To start, it really does not exist.  It is a man made concept.  The only time is now.  Everything else is an illusion.  Yesterday is gone and tomorrow does not exist.  Hence the question what are you doing now?

Another interesting aspect of this is that it cannot be sped up (or slowed down for that matter).  It goes at the same pace.  There are 24 hours in every day and 365 days in each year (with the exception of leap year).  The pace goes the same for everyone.  Therefore, if you are looking at a particular date when some of your responsibilities are freed up, you have nothing but time between now and them.  What are you doing with it?

Finally, depth requires a great deal of time.  I find that the deepest connections are the ones where the people spent the most time.  Before going any further, I will state that I realize depth can occur between two individuals very quickly.  However, my experience is that occurs when the two people invested the time in themselves individually.  They knew what was deep within them.  When meeting the other person, it was simply a matter of linking up what already existed as individuals.  The uncovering process was almost complete.  Naturally, the next step is to uncover things within them together which will enable the relationship to grow.

Overall, relationships need time to grow and be nurtured.  There are no shortcuts with it.  Those who try to circumvent this often find their relationship in shambles.  I am a big believer everything starts with the individual and works from there.  Most relationship fail because one did not invest the time in him or herself.  This is coupled with the fact that most people who get together refuse to put the time into their growth as a couple.  The only logical result is the inevitable parting that occurs.

If you are "blessed" with the time because of your present circumstances, use it wisely.  Instead of longing and being depressed, look at this as an opportunity.  Where do you want to be in 5 years (or whatever the time frame is)?  Look within yourself to compile a list of characteristics that describe what you want.  Use that list to enhance or enlarge those things you desire within you while trying to eliminate or minimize the opposite.  Remember, when entering into a BDSM relationship, it is crucial to focus upon what you bring to the table.  Many, at least online, seem to concentrate solely upon what they want.  This is important but it is a two-way street.  What are you offering the other person?  This process will allow you to answer that.

DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life. Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Clearing Blockage

Over the last few months I wrote about the need for us to go deeper within ourselves to understand what it is that we truly want.  I believe wholeheartedly that BDSM is an opportunity for us to explore the deepest regions within oneself which, in turn, also enables us to do the same with another person (people).  As all sages will tell you, the journey within is extremely difficult.  There are a lot of things which hinder our path.  I will explore some of them today in an effort to simplify things.

Fear

Fear is the greatest obstacle in life.  What is ironic is that most of it is self-created and does not really exist.  I believe it was Edison who said "I feared over 10,000 things in my life most of which never came to pass".  Basically, fear is a mechanism the mind uses to paralyze us.  The mind craves certainty.  Change, by its definition, means uncertainty.  Hence the mind will do whatever it can to maintain the status quo which it knows.  Entering the unknown is not something people excel at.  Society teaching pushes us to be "conservative" with our actions.  Safety is promoted as opposed to experimentation and adventure.  We see this in how parents interact with small children.  Children are constantly told no at a young age.  Certainly there are valid concerns regarding a child's safety.  However, our society tends to go overboard to the point where it creates weakness.  It is only through falling that we truly strengthen ourselves.

It takes great strength to look deep within oneself.  As stated, it is not an easy journey.  There is always the possibility that what one uncovers is not in alignment with how he or she is presently living.  Of course, this means change might be in the cards which brings about the uncertainty which sets the mind in motion.  Always remember its goal of the status quo.

When one goes deeper within, one is forced to accept responsibility for one's life.  I believe that many operate at the shallow level because it allows them to play the "victim".  When one is unaware of what he or she wants, it is easy to point towards everyone else for his or her unhappiness.  Yet, when one uncovers what is within, there are few excuses one can use.  If unhappy, it is your fault..plain and simple.  Once one knows what is desired, if it is not gotten, there is nobody to blame but oneself.  Losing the alibis for one's situation is a scary proposition.   It is far easier to whine about life rather than take action to change it.  This is a universal truth and we see it across all cultures.  BDSM gives us the opportunity to overcome this human defect and push ourselves to another level.  While not easy, the rewards are incredible.

Before going any further, I must broach the topic of situations.  There are many people who are in difficult circumstances.  While uncovering what is within is one of the steps to taking responsibility for our lives, it also means that we have to continue to be adult about things.  People are often in situations where other people are affected by our decisions.  This is something that we must take into consideration.  I find so many who find the BDSM way of life and are so overtaken that they are ready to cast off everything and move to another to start life with that one.  Well, one needs to look at the present arrangement to determine what is the best path to follow.  Simply up and leaving is rarely the most responsible choice.  Of course, an argument can easily be made that staying, especially for the wrong reasons, is not the responsible thing to do.  Again, we encounter the point where one needs to go within to further uncover what the proper steps are.  It is good to remind everyone that one of the wonderful aspect of BDSM is the limitless ways that one can structure life.

The bottom line is fear is an illusion yet is such a powerful force in our lives.  Going deeper requires overcoming the things that fear tells us.  It is easy to project out and draw negative conclusions.  This is what most people do.  However, when one is unfulfilled with the present circumstances, even to a small degree, it is worthy of a look.  There is something awry which requires attention.  People forget that good is the enemy of best.  Simply because things are good as they presently are, that does not mean that something is not better.  Again, without traveling within, we will never know.

Belief System

Growing up in the Western Culture, I find shallow is the norm.  People cannot even begin to fathom what deep is.  We live in a world of McMansions, XBox, name brands items, and cell phones.  Keeping up with the Jonses is a national pastime.  Madison Avenue teaches us how to feel and what is worthy.  Wearing X perfume and you are worthy.  You deserve X car to drive even if you cannot afford the payments.  Of course, if you cannot afford it, charge it...you should not be without.  We are trained to believe that what we have is what determines our worth.  Of course, as most find out, there is an emptiness to it.  People have houses full of stuff yet are unfulfilled.  Nice cars, fancy clothing, expensive technology, and people are popping pills like they are candy in an effort to change how they feel.  Consumerism is the disease of more.  Unfortunately, there is never enough.

I bring all this up to help you understand how our belief system is shaped.  People determine their self worth by what they are taught by these same advertisers.  Our conditioning is such that it becomes a reflex.  People buy stuff without even thinking about it believing that it will provide some pleasure.  In many instances it does but it is often fleeting.  This is the myth that we were all given.

Spoon fed beliefs serve to imprison us.  The BDSM world is not the only one where slavery is alive and well.  We see the vanilla world is full of it providing ideas which put us in servitude to those who are pulling the cords.  Going deep within oneself is not espoused by society for the simple reason that one might uncover what he or she truly believes.  This is contrary to the goal of society which is to control.  Free thinkers are not looked upon with esteem.  They are radicals and rebellious.  Since they don't follow the mantra, they are a problem.  Contrast this with the basic idea within BDSM which is to explore, unearth, or try whatever you desire.  BDSM encourages you to develop your own belief system where all is possible.  My agenda is not to instill a belief system within you but, rather, to teach you to question the one you are presently operating under.  It is sad how most of us are products of our environment and will defend beliefs which are not even our own.

So I challenge you to question all of your beliefs.  Ask yourself why you believe this (whatever this is).  Also question why you believe in limitations and having to make sacrifices.  Is it possible that you can structure your situation so that you do not have to choose one or the other but can have both?  Society tells us we cannot do this yet I find BDSM allows for it.

As you question and examine your beliefs, you will find that some of the blockage of going deeper is removed.  It is difficult to question long held values and fear will arise.  We get very comfortable with what we know.  However, BDSM opens up a completely new world to us if we will allows ourselves to enter it.  Present circumstances, existing beliefs systems, and fear are only obstacles along the way.  Looking past them to determine what is truly important is how we grow.  Sure, some changes might arise which are difficult.  Nevertheless, living life which is not congruent with our core can be even more painful.  Consider this as you begin to question who you are and the life you are presently living.

DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life. Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Minimalist Approach

A few years ago I started to downsize as much as I could.  Part of my journey took me upon the path of minimalism and the study of what is important.  For those who are unaware of what this is, or do not know how to use a search engine, minimalism is the art of getting rid of the unimportant to allow more time and energy to focus upon that which is important.  Taken to the extreme, there are some who get their personal possessions under 100 items and do nothing but travel the world.  At this time, I must admit that my personal items are much greater in number than that and I doubt I will ever take the step to live basically as a gypsy.  But to each their own.

The point of this entire exercise, which is ongoing, is to maintain a sense of control over the things in my life.  In our society, it is easy to get caught up with the acquiring of stuff.  Everyone "needs" a new car, the name brand clothing, and to live in the "McMansion".  It is ironic that what is a "need" today was, not too long ago, something out of an episode of Star Trek.

 Connection

The problem with "stuff" is that we are forming a connection with an object.  It is not alive.  The item that we love, is it really worthy of that emotional connection.  Things are transitory.  My first car was a Ford Tempo.  I owned it for about 6 weeks before I totaled it.  After the insurance company did their thing, I am certain the car was mashed up, melted down, and turned into something else.  My Ford Tempo became coffee cans.  I wonder if I would have had the same emotional connection to a Folgers can as I did my car?  Probably not.

Life is about connections.  That is where the value is.  BDSM epitomizes this because, in keeping with my general view, it takes everything to a deeper level when allowed.  Without a connection, there is very little.  It is also where we find genuineness among people.  Those who are deeply connected  and where there is a forum of honesty, truth, and non-judging, find their relationships at a level few can comprehend.  That is because the majority operate at the most basic level.  People, in general, are shallow.  Overcoming this requires a great deal of personal effort but is well worth the practice.  However, before reaching that point, we need to clear away much of the "clutter".

Facade

If you watch television, you can understand the point I am about to make.  Madison Avenue, the location where the world's biggest advertising agencies reside, has one sole purpose: to make you believe you need whatever it is they are paid to promote.  That is why they exist.  When you look at the advertisements on television, you will notice how they make things look appealing and use emotions to make you want it.  Done correctly, it gets to the point where you will start to believe you cannot live without that item.  Of course, you do not have it now and have done well surviving all these years without it but that logical point is not relevant.

In short, we put on a facade.  People make purchases to present an image to the outside world.  Cars, houses, clothing, jewelery, etc...are all purchased with the thought of what others will think.  People will rationalize it with facts of good quality, security, safety, and a host of other characteristics that might apply.  However, the bottom line is that someone would not buy a blouse, for example, if she knew everyone would think it totally heinous no matter what the quality.

Of course, all this serves to remove us from the ability to go deep and puts us back at a shallow level.  Who really cares what kind of car you drive as long as it gets you where you need to go?  Isn't that what an automobile is for, to get you from point A to point B?  Yet people attribute a status symbol to it making that item more important that it really is.  It becomes a part of one's identity.  That is why you see people in occupations, such as attorneys, purchasing cars that match what their perceived image should be.  They think that the automobile they drive is a reflection of the value of the service they are capable of providing.

We see the same thing in the BDSM world.  As I mentioned, to me, BDSM is the most natural approach to life and is what allows us to really get deep within ourselves and to share with others.  However, there are few who have a similar outlook.  Most, like society, operate at a rather shallow level.  They believe "things" are very important while constantly maintaining that facade.

I often write that BDSM is not about whips and chains.  That is nothing more than imagery present by the porn industry.  Nevertheless, so many buy into this concept.  The depth a dominant or master is able to go becomes secondary.  Instead, it is more important to see what kind of toys he owns or what his dungeon looks like.  BDSM furniture is valued at a higher level than the quality of the person who is going to own one.  The idea is pretty absurd when you think about it but that exactly how many approach it.

We see this concept taken to the extreme if one attends lifestyle gatherings.  It is at this point that the egos come out full force.  The attire is chosen to reflect one's position within the lifestyle.  The dominants are dressed in their leather to show how strict and forceful they are.  Many of the subs/slaves are dressed to the hilt to show what wonderful possessions they are.  Their behavior mimics this idea especially in public (no self respecting slave wants to show up her master in front of others).  Of course, it is possible this is all in line with who they are and how their relationship is.  However, I assert that many of the people are operating this way when others are watching while their relationships are in the toilet. 

The Minimalist Approach

It is time that people look at things in a bit different light.  Why not take a minimalist approach to your BDSM life?  Cut out all the clutter and excess so that you can concentrate on what is truly important.  Simplify things in your mind (and life) so that you can delve into yourself in much greater detail.  Learn what is at your core and what you truly want.  Contrast that with what you are presently getting from the one you are with.  If they match, terrific.  However, if there is something missing, then you need to take steps to find what you need.  Remember, BDSM is an open slate so you can design aspects of your life however you see fit.  A lack of fulfillment is not something that we need to tolerate.  Operating at a level that allows us to find what we need places us ahead of most of society.  Their belief system tells them that they need to accept what they get in life.  They tend to buy into the concept that they continually have to make choices and sacrifice.  BDSM tells us that we can enjoy what we want if we are willing to put forth the effort to structure things properly.

Does this mean that you have to get rid of your whips and collars to enter into the state that I am mentioning?  Of course not.  BDSM accessories are very important.  Keep your BDSM furniture, in fact, buy more if you desire.  Just realize that it is not the whips, collars, or furniture that are important.  They are an adjunct to increasing the connection with your partner(s).  We all know that impact play is enhanced when the one we are involved with is someone we know well and are connected to.  It isn't the riding crop that is causing the increase in feelings but the connection between the two people.

The world is full of distractions which take us away from what is important.  BDSM is no different.  It is easy to get caught up in the imagery and other things that really play a minor part on the overall picture.  We need to remember, like my first car, things are transitory.  While nothing is permanent, the connection we make with another (others), carries a great deal more weight.  Marks fade away.  Bruises heal.  But the connection you have with the person who you are involved in that scene with goes on much longer.  The same holds true when you truly open up and connect with someone at your core.  This is much deeper than love.  It is also a great deal more powerful.  As I mentioned, few are able to burst through the fear and clear away enough of the "noise" to truly experience this.  However, those who do will tell you the bond created, and often very quickly, is like concrete.  It is almost unbreakable.  This connection resides at a level deep within us, below our gut.  Ancient sages calls this a sacred place where our true power resides.  I believe this to be true.  And when two people are able to align this up, the power is multiplied. 

So begin today to move your thoughts towards what is important.  Go through the process of clearing out the excess "clutter" whatever it might be.  Try to get the the true essence of what is going on both within yourself and with those around you.  Determine what is in alignment with your core and what goes against it.  This will give you a starting point to where you can make some decisions about what you truly need.  And yes, a new collar might be nice but it should not be the item which makes or breaks your relationship.  If it does, then you might want to look a bit deeper.

DN  

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