Natural Versus Study
Having a natural tendency or an inner ability is only the bare beginning of choosing a path in life. This is the case no matter what particular endeavor we refer to. For example, there are many who are gifted with wonderful talents in the area of basketball. However, there is not a player in the world who is at the professional level who got there solely based upon natural talent. Every individual in this area arrived there because of years of hard work and dedication to that particular craft. Hours were spent practicing to achieve such a high level of excellence. While natural ability plays a part, it is only one component. The other factor is nurturing that talent over a long period of time until one arrives at the desired destination.
Most people understand this example. It makes sense to them. Yet it is interesting to see how many fail to comprehend that the same idea holds true for BDSM. I believe this is one of the fundamental reasons as to why so many have difficulty.
Just like in athletics, natural qualities mean little in BDSM. One is not ready to dominate simply because he or she is naturally dominant. At the same time, simply because one is inherently submissive, that does not mean he or she is qualified to submit and serve another. Reread the previous two sentences again. A natural trait is not enough. To truly excel in either of these areas requires study, inner searching, and interaction with others to learn what this lifestyle is all about. This is what so many overlook when entering this lifestyle.
Dominant Versus Domineering
I find that many have difficulty in their relationships because they are seeking the reciprocal quality in another while not really understanding what is being looked at. From this point forward, I am going to refer to submissive seeking a dominant and utilize the female tense to refer to that person.
It is common to find women in BDSM who were always attracted to the "bad boy" image. For many this was the representation of the trait they were looking for. Obviously, many "bad boys" give off the image of being dominant. However, what is interesting is most of these relationships ended as badly as the vanilla ones we found ourselves in. When one looks back over her life, and the relationships in it, she finds she repeated the process of continually being drawn to the same guys. No matter how badly things ended, our sweet submissive always ended up with jerks. Why does this happen? To answer this question, we need to fully explore what is driving certain people.
A "bad boy" typically is not a dominant person. Many are taken aback by that but when you understand what true domination is, it becomes easy to see. Having an overwhelming personality or a "I dont give a shit" attitude is not domination. Nor is barking out orders and shouting at the top of one's lungs. None of these are qualities exhibited by a dominant person. What they show is that one is domineering. So what is the difference?
When one is domineering, he is really driven by fear. Oftentimes, the "attitude" you see is to compensate for internal insecurities that are being covered up. While the external persona appears dominant, the truth is this person really lacks control. The shouting and other behaviors along that line are done in an effort to capture control in a situation where it does not exist. Violent behavior often accompanies this state since a person of this nature feels more in control when physical confrontations take place. Ultimately, it is fear that is driving this person.
Contrast this with a dominant person. He is calm in the face of danger. The image of him being the one maintaining his wits in the face of an emergency while all others around him are losing theirs comes to mind. A person like this understands that all control starts with oneself. Whereas the domineering person often loses his temper, a true dominant maintains his. Controlling another can only occur after one establishes a degree of control over oneself. This is in direct contrast of the domineering person who lacks this ability. At the same time, this individual does not question, either externally nor internally, who is in control. His authority is beyond question because he believes it so. There is no reason to lose "one's head" when the power structure is tested. The only action required is to alter the behavior of the other individual to reassert his authority. One who is domineering lacks this skill. A questioning of the power structure is viewed as a personal attack due to the internal insecurity. Therefore, the required action is to fight back.
As I stated earlier, it is totally natural for one of a particular makeup to seek the reciprocal in another. Since it is natural, one is following an internal thirst most commonly at a subconscious level. This is a perfect model to follow if one is truly dealing with one who can satisfy what she needs. However, as most already know, this is rarely what she is dealing with.
I remember talking with someone who mentioned that every male around her growing up was dominant. This was something that started as a child. Her father and brothers were naturally dominant people while the women in the family were submissive. The men were in charge while the women took a back seat to them. Of course, it is no surprise that this women, when she entered the dating scene, sought out naturally dominant men. However, as you can guess, her success fleeting.
What this individual did not realize is that while she was attracted to domination, she was repeatedly chasing after people who were domineering. She mentioned female members of her family who were involved with male "dominants". Sadly, many of these relationships contained domestic abuse. Now, let me ask you, based upon the preceding section, do you think that one who physically abuses another is dominant or domineering? If you answered the later, you are correct.
I find that when women look back over their relationships, many will find a pattern. Oftentimes, the names and faces will change, but it is the same person. The natural need to find someone dominant led them to chase after someone who appeared that way on the surface. However, upon further investigation, it is easy to see how fear was the motivator for that person. Perhaps there was a dominant quality within the person. Nevertheless, he never learned to expand upon this characteristic. This is no different than the gifted basketball player never practicing. At some point, the truth will emerge. And, in this instance, once a bit of knowledge was levied, the truth became crystal clear.
Therefore, I suggest you look over your choices in the past. If you believe you were always drawn to dominant men, try to consider whether they were actually dominant. Now that you have some basis to separate dominant from domineering, the answers should come easily. To create a better future, it is necessary to break the patterns of the past. I hypothesize that if you were involved with the "bad boys", while thinking you were after domination, that you were actually attracted to domineering. And this is why you were continually left unfulfilled.
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