December 12, 2013

Fully Committed

There is little that is more frustrating to those in search of a potential partner within the BDSM community, especially online, than dealing with the "game players".  These people tend to take on different names depending upon who you speak to.  Personally, I prefer to use the term "pretender".  I find this fitting since these are those who approach BDSM in terms of play.  They are not serious about it.  To them, it is just a game like children play when they pretend to be "cops and robbers" or "the princess in the castle".  It is not reality so much as a childhood fantasy.  What is sad is this mindset is similar in those who want to "pretend" at BDSM.

Basis For Success

Obviously the pretenders are not the main core of the BDSM world.  While they might seem great in number, and perhaps online they are, they do not make up the fundamental core of what BDSM is.  If you search, there is a huge community of people who are serious about this lifestyle.  At the same time, these people make it a central part of their life.  The are not pretending at anything while investing the time to learn what it takes to succeed.

Before going any further, I want to relate a story to you that I read many years ago.  Most all of you are familiar with the name Henry Ford.  He was the founder of the Ford Motor Company and inventor of the Model T.  He was also the originator of the assembly line which became the basis of the manufacturing world. 

Henry Ford decided one day that he wanted to have an 8 cylinder engine.  He called together his engineers and told them he wanted to create this.  Their response was that "it is impossible".  Ford would hear none of it.  He sent his engineers away with the task of developing this.  After 6 months, as the story goes, Ford checks in with them only to learn that they had nothing.  Again, he was told "it is impossible".  At this point, Ford told them that "he will have it" so to figure it out.  Another 6 months go by with the same result.  Now, since I am trying to recall the story from memory, I am not exactly sure how much time passed but since we know that plenty of cars have a V-8 engine in them, Ford did get what he wanted.

 So what was the basis for his success?  The same foundation that is necessary for success in any endeavor in life: commitment.

What separated Ford from many others was his ability to fully commit himself to his ideas.  As you can see in the aforementioned story, he was totally committed to having this technology.  Nothing was going to stand in the way of it.  Never did he waffle in his resolve for success.  He had it in his mind that it would be his.  Now, I ask you, if you approached BDSM with this same resolve, what would your chances of success be?

Tire Kickers

It is amazing to witness what way people approach this lifestyle.  There are so many profiles I come across when scouring the net which have things 100% backwards.  Usually people who are new will mention something about that before following it up with stating "I want to get involved with someone to see if this is for me".  A statement such as this completely blows my mind.  Why would anyone take such an approach?

My long time readers know I like to make points by taking things to the absurd.  Well, in this instance, I ask all my heterosexual readers, how many of you are willing to get into a gay relationship just to "test things out"?  I am going to guess very few of you.  The reason you are unwilling is because you are fully committed to be heterosexual.

Now let us compare the person who is questioning his/her sexuality.  Does a person instantly get into a homosexual relationship to determine if it is for him/her?  Not usually.  This person will often do some research first.  Of course, this might entail reading stuff online about the homosexual lifestyle.  It could also include talking to gay friends or relatives about it.  Professional counseling from people skilled in that area also might be a course to follow.  Perhaps one begins to frequent gay establishments/clubs to interact more with gay people.  Finally, an internal search takes place to determine whether the person is gay or not.

Sadly, this is not what we witness what happens in the BDSM world.  Instead, we see the exact opposite.  An individual will often want to get into a relationship before he or she decides whether this if what is wanted.  I call these people "tire kickers" because they are approach the BDSM lifestyle like they do when entering a showroom looking at a new car.  They will kick the tires to see if it is for them.

In my book, An Owned Life, I covered this exact topic.  In what I phrased the "Submission Process", I detailed how one needed to "submit" to the lifestyle first.  What I mean by this is that one needs to commit to the BDSM lifestyle before he or she can seriously make a commitment to another.  To do so in any other order is putting the proverbial cart before the horse.  As I alluded to earlier, the only way one can enjoy success in the BDSM world is to be committed to it.  If one can adopt the mindset of Henry Ford, one is sure to put forth the necessary effort needed to garner whatever is available within this lifestyle.  In fact, if you are to do that, full commitment is necessary.  Anything less will leave the door open for an alternative outcome.

It All Starts From Within

Over the years I wrote extensively how the BDSM journey is one with.  So many look at the way the lifestyle is promoted online only to arrive at a misunderstanding.  BDSM is not about whips and chains although that is a part of it.  The imagery put out by the porn industry is meant to sell their videos not properly represent how we live.  At the same time, the BDSM "romance" novels glorify, especially M/s, in ways that are totally unrealistic.  Everyone needs to accept the fact that we live in the real world.  To try and disassociate ourselves from it is not healthy nor practical.

The starting point for any individual is to be firmly committed to this way of life.  If you are a person who is certain this is for you, then it is an easy decision.  However, if you are just starting to explore what is offered, commit to putting for the time and effort to learn what is going on.  Make this a study while looking within yourself to conclude whether this is for you or not.  Do not rush ahead to involve another before you have that clarity. Sure, there are many instances where that approached work but I will divulge that the odds are against it.  Knowing thyself is of the utmost importance.  This will only assist you when you do begin the process of seeking another.

Our level of commitment is tied directly to the level of success we enjoy.  People who give feeble attempts at things are never committed.  Hence, they attain feeble results.  I suggest you elevate your pursuit of this lifestyle by committing whole-heartedly to it.  You will find that your actions differ when you do that.


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