April 24, 2010

3rd Wanted-True Poly

This is something that is plastered all over the internet in various forms. "Sub/slave wanted to join couple". "Another woman wanted for poly relationship". "My alpha slave wants a beta slave".

It seems that every second or third advertisement is promoting the desire to find another woman to join their poly "family". Certainly, this is one of the freedoms of the BDSM life and, since more women are bi, it only makes sense.

But, what are these people really seeking? Are those who claim to be poly actually that? Or is it more of the "kinky sex" barrage that we see so common among the online players.

BDSM Is More Than Sex

This is something that you see me write about in every few posts. I believe this is the biggest misconception among those who are just learning about this way of life. The images that are promoted online lead people to conclude that BDSM is all about tie people up and whipping them senseless. At least that is the impression given off by the professional website seeking to sell their products.

Of course, my regular readers know how much I detest this idea. Sex has its place in a BDSM relationship just like it does in the vanilla world. However, like there, few relationships are made up exclusively based upon sex. There are so many other areas to a relationship than just the sexual arena. In fact, I found that sex is the easiest part of all relationships. It is the other stuff that makes life difficult.


Being a dominant is not an easy road to trek. Anyone who has experience within this aspect of the lifestyle knows that it is wrought with lots of pitfalls. Personally, I made more than my fair share of mistakes. Sadly, it is something that I continue to this day. Being a dominant is a continual learning experience. Every situation is different and requires consistent diligence if one is to be successful.

As mentioned, the sexual arena tends to be the easiest to handle. When I see those advertisements seeking another live-in slave, I question whether the dominant is aware of what he is in for (I will stick to the male dominant role in this post). So many online fail to truly grasp the enormous responsibility that comes along with being a Dom/Master. Having one's life in your hands is something that takes years of practice and daily commitment. It is not as simple as just accepting someone's submission. The online world really blurs the magnitude of the responsibility that is faced by people in real time.

That being said, having one under your control is tough enough. Add another one to the mix only compounds the problems on a large scale. Instead of having to manage one relationship, a Dom/Master in this instance is forced to run three relationships. Oftentimes, the most difficult relationship is between the two slaves. This is where personality conflicts tend to manifest themselves the most.

The Alpha Slave

Many believe their solution is the "alpha slave". This is the idea that the first slave becomes the "lead slave". The new added one is to act as the beta slave following the dictates of, not only the Dom/Master, but also the other slave. Here is where I begin to see difficulties immediately.

To start, what is the qualifications of the alpha slave to dominate? Is she a switch who was only serving in a submissive role? If that be the case, then I presume it can work. However, if she is truly submissive, her foray into domination will be a total wreck.

One cannot serve two Masters. This is a saying that goes back centuries and applies to many areas of life. It is equally applicable to the BDSM world. Now I realize there are many who take exception to this idea but it is my experience that it is true. Someone has to be in charge and that is the leader of the family. Too many leaders will leave you with no indians.

I believe that an alpha slave is just a term designed by people who want the title of "slave" without having the willingness to earn it. Being a slave requires a total commitment to working on surrender. It is not a one time event. Those who want to dictate to others what they will and will not do are not slaves. Alpha slaves appear to fall into this category in my opinion.

True Poly

There is no inherent preferential relationship in a true poly situation. This is a misnomer of the poly world. Some believe in the concept of primary and secondary relationships. This is incorrect since there is an inherent inequality among the two relationships in their design. Obviously, under this scenario, the primary is more important than the secondary. To me, this is simply the adding of a playmate to an existing relationship.

True poly is the addition of another relationship that is established on equal footing with the other. Naturally, inequalities will arise based upon knowledge, personalities, locality, and abilities. No two people are created equal and one will be served in many different ways. Thus, one slave might provide more valuable service to the dominant one because of some of the aforementioned factors. However, these are not inherent inequalities established with the relationship. It is the ability to serve that creates the difference.


When one truly is adding another to a family, it is similar to the addition of another child. Can you see parents establishing a hierarchy among their children by calling one "primary" and the other "secondary". Of course not. They love each child equally with difference being based upon individual abilities. Older children are able to handle more responsibilities thus receive more benefits in that area.

A poly family operates in the same manner. The addition of another should not be based upon a hierarchy. This is why many relationships are destroyed before they even begin. Show me a situation where this exists and I will share with you how it will end. Anyone who serves in a dominant role when creating a poly family needs to be aware of each person's needs. No two people (subs/slaves) are the same. Each will have different desires. Happiness is met when the majority of these desires are fulfilled.


Growth is a vital component to any relationship. It is something that is magnified in the BDSM world in my opinion since we operate in a manner that is so different from what people were raised with. Mainstream society does not promote the ideals that we hold true. Therefore, whenever someone is new to a situation, there is a period of adjustment. This is where the first slave can assist the newer slave.

Many Doms/Masters have a particular protocol that is unique to them. In fact, I would say that all dominant types have a different way of doing things. For this reason, a submissive is responsible for learning exactly what that person is seeking. One who dealt with a Dom/Master for a while will be aware of his tendencies. She can share her experience with the newer person to foster her growth. In the end, this will make the head of the family happier since the transition is lessened.

Therefore, the "alpha" slave can act as a teacher for the newer person. However, this does not make her dominant. The only reason she has a higher position is her familiarity with that particular Dom/Master. She is not a dominant figure and her knowledge advantage will dwindle as time passes. That is when individual ability and interaction with the Dom/Master enters. Ultimately, each is judged based upon what she offers to the dominant figure.

3rd Wanted

Getting back to the original advertisements that I mentioned, most are simply looking for a playmate. They have no interest in living in a poly relationship. Too many seem to think that, because they are already there, they are the defacto head of household. This is not true. There is only one head and that is the dominant one. Everyone after that is in a service capacity. No one relationship is more important than the rest.

Therefore, when you read these ads, ask yourself if the writers actually have any idea what poly is. Consider what one will encounter when walking into a relationship such as this. I often wonder why anyone would put herself in a situation such as this. Of course, in the beginning, there is some fun sexual encounters. However, after that nirvana wears off, how will she feel living as the third wheel in the relationship? Because of the previously established hierarchy, she will never be seen as an equal regardless of what she does. Her relationship is expected to be subservient to the other one. This is how it is structured. To deny this truth is foolhardy.

Remember this idea if you are considering getting involved with another couple. Everything is not always as smooth as advertised.

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ariia on April 24, 2010 at 12:49 PM said...

Wow that is a lot of information to take in all at once. I have to agree with you on basically every point you've made though.

I may be new to this lifestyle but I see it for what it is, a lifestyle. I am not in it for sex only, I do not hold any misconceptions of a perfect life or all fun and games or any such crap. I too hate the ads that I see for a third and agree most are really only looking for a playmate at best.

As far as being dominate goes I think you nailed it. It's a TON of work. Sure the slave (me) has a LOT of work to do but it's basic stuff like household chores and caring for this or that. Being the one responsible for how things go and the overall training of the slave has to be more work! (I'm sure someone somewhere will come back with "but the work should be equal between partners!" Um no. We are not equal, he is Master his word is final, I am slave my job is to obey. That doesn't mean I'm a doormat it simply means obey. Though there is a bit of self-sufficiency that goes along with being a slave)

"Growth is a vital component to any relationship."

Very true. In fact that's one of my biggest pet peeves. People who bitch and moan about whatever but aren't willing to put forth any effort to change and grow and work at whatever it is they complain about. It's not only vital to relationships, I believe it's vital to getting anything out of life, even if you aren't in a relationship. For example, if someone hates the way their body looks but does nothing to trim and tone it, I won't feel sorry for them when they complain about a few vanity pounds. Especially as I watch them eat 2,500 calories worth of fat and sodium.

It's nice to come across someone who obviously knows what they're talking about. Even if you do still make mistakes. (And honestly, perfection is rather boring in my opinion)


MagnusCattus on April 24, 2010 at 5:42 PM said...

I agree with most of your points, but I wanted to take the opportunity to emphasize that MOST of those adds are clueless folk looking for a playmate. We were looking for a life partner. It's surprising how many "Thirds" assume they are expected only to be a playmate, and are shocked to find out you both want and expect to be part of their everyday lives. However, speaking from experience I can say that if you are lucky enough to find a successful triad, it's a truly beatiful life.

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