April 19, 2010

What Is A Fake?

This is a term I hear all the time: "fake". In fact, it is something that I use regularly myself to describe people with whom I encounter in the online world. However, did you ever take time out to figure out what that means? Until recently, I had not. In this post, I will share what revelations I made in an effort to help you navigate the online BDSM community.

Real and Genuine

These are two terms that I believe need to be looked at.  When someone is genuine, I take that to mean they are a real person and are how they describe themselves.  This is generally at a basic level.  For example, someone who states that she is a woman living in California, age 39 with two children.  If all of this is true, I would call this person "genuine".  She exists and is not misleading with the fundamental facts.  This is something a person can utilize to build a relationship.

However, just because one is genuine does not mean that he or she is "real" in the context of the BDSM community.  I read so many profile of people who proclaim to be certain things when simple logic dictates they are not.  For example, one who proclaims to be a Master simply because he read a few blog posts does not make it so.  This is a person who fails the "real" test. He might be genuine in the context of existing but suffers from an ignorance about what this way of life is.

Therefore, whenever we are interacting with people, we need to determine whether they are both real and genuine.  Just because one exists does not mean they are what he or she proclaims to be.  

Camming or Sex Talk

These are the ones who I encounter who are most commonly called "fakes".  They are the people who log into a chatroom and instantly want to im chat with someone on there.  Usually, this person will seek out anyone who is willing to engage in dirty chat.  The same holds true for those who want to sex cam with others.  They are quick to make their intentions known.

People who are online who are involved in the BDSM lifestyle will instantly size these people up as fakes.  But are they?  While I will admit they have no intention of being part of this way of life, they most often are up front about what they want.  Their entry online is for a particular purpose that differs than those of us who are actively promoting and interacting with "lifestylers".  Nevertheless, their motivation is just as valid although the chosen forum might be amiss.

Personally, I do not engage with the cammers and sex chat people.  There are times when I enjoy this activity.  However, I do not log on with the desire to get my rocks off fulfilling an online fantasy.  For this reason, I quickly pass by those who are into this activity.  And, I will fess up that I get just as frustrated when the trolls enter the chatrooms and try to turn every conversation into sex play.  Yet, I also realized these people will leave quicker than a parole exiting prison if he or she does not immediately find reciprocation.  

The Game Players

The cammers and the sex chat people are not the most confusing to me.  It is fairly easy to determine their motivation.  They are apparent in what they want and I hope they find what they are seeking.  The Internet is practical for all kinds of kink.  Their is not different.

That being said, what is dumbfounding to me are those who want to play games online.  Going back to the previously mentioned criteria, why would anyone not be real?  What is their motivation for pretending to be something that they are not?  This is something that I failed to conclude.  It is baffling to me why someone would want to waste the time.  I can only presume their lives are that miserable that they need to create online fantasies.

The "game players" are very common.  These are the ones that elicit the profile posts proclaiming "NO FAKES".  Anyone who spent any time in the online BDSM world has met these people.  A person wakes up one day and decides to be a single 35 years old Master from Chicago when in fact the 59 years old married man from Dallas.  Or we see the 29 year old slave from Minnesota with the 125 pound figure to die for who is really a 48 year old overweight divorcee with 4 kids.  These people exist on a daily basis trying to lure people into their sick fantasy. Sadly, there is little way to decipher them from the real ones until you walk down the path a ways with them.

What Is A Fake?

So, to answer the initial question, a fake is, in my opinion, someone who is not genuine.  I will not phrase the cammers and sex chat people that since I feel they are simply people with a different agenda.  The people who actually exist but are naive to what this lifestyle is all about are true in their minds, thus not worthy of the title.  Their solution is more research and insight to determine exactly where they fit in.  However, if they are genuine, they are someone who can be dealt with on a mature level.

The non-genuine people are the most dangerous.  They are the ones who suck in unsuspecting people with their cons.  Sadly, they are also the ones who will disappear without a trace.  As mentioned, we all ran across them in our travels so getting bit by one is no shame.  Nevertheless, we need to be aware whenever we are interacting with someone unknown to us.  The anonymity of the Internet makes it easy for people to create an online persona which exists only in their mind.  Those who emotionally attach themselves to these people end up being let down.  They are the ones who swear what they have is real only to be exposed to the con that everyone else recognized.

Protecting Yourself

Common sense is your best protection when dealing with the fakes.  There is a natural progression of any interaction whether in real time or online.  Recognizing when the steps are being stalled is a warming sign that something is amiss.  For example, it is common to want to know what the person you are chatting with looks like.  And, at some point, it is acceptable to exchange photos to reveal yourself and vice versa.  Well, if someone is unwilling to do this, that is a cause to question whether this woman is really 125 pounds with blond hair and blue eyes. Another warning sign is the times that he or she is available.  If someone is online only during work hours but unavailable on the weekends or at night, perhaps he or she is tending to the spouse and family.  This is something that you should further question.

Most people see through the fakes in a short period of time.  However, I encounter those who believed in their Dom/Master or sub/slave when it was evident the person wasn't genuine.  He or she did not exist in the manner proclaimed.  Of course, the truth eventually came out but not before there was a great deal of heartache.  Do not fall into this trap.  Use your common sense to sniff out the people who are intentionally misleading you.  It is the difference between making your online experience a good one or a tragedy.

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Heather B on April 20, 2010 at 7:16 AM said...

Great post... I think there's definitely a whole lot of "fake" Doms and subs online. Maybe they are just looking for someone to play a game with, in a way? That they need the fantasy in order to feel fulfilled? I'm not really sure. When I first started looking into bdsm online, I talked to several guys who would initially say they were looking for real-life relationships, but then it would become fairly obvious after a while that they really weren't. There should be sites or groups specifically for these types of people, who want to roleplay online and pretend that they want the interaction to develop outside of the chat room or IM. But maybe that would take away the fun for them... perhaps they just get off on misleading others? *shrugs*

Dennis Najee on April 24, 2010 at 10:50 AM said...

Thank you for your comment and that is one of the reasons why I started our BDSM social community. I want a place where real people can interact. Check out http://anownedlife.socialparody.com

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