The Rifle Approach

I apologize for not writing the last couple weeks.  Sadly, I found myself a bit under the weather with a nasty bug which has taken some time to get past.

Today I am going to cover a topic, like many, that applies to more than simply BDSM.  However, since I do not view BDSM as a kink as much a way of life, it stands to reason that all things that apply to life are pertinent to BDSM.  My view is simple: BDSM is life.  There is no separation.

There is a saying in the personal development world that most people do not know  what they want simply because they do not know what it is they want.  This might seem strange until you thoroughly analyze what people do with their lives.  Have you ever noticed the success someone with a goal and a plan has?  When someone is crystal clear what they want, the chances of achieving that outcome are greatly increase.  Sadly, few have this laser-like focus.  Instead, most people waffle through life accepting what comes to them.  They have no specific goals with plans for the accomplishment.  In short, they are not very clear about what they want.  Therefore, they do not achieve it.

The same holds true in the BDSM world.  There are many difference facets, avenues, and structures that one can follow.   We see this when we interact with someone new and he or she mentions how overwhelming it all is.  When we step back, we do realize that this is certainly the case.  BDSM can be overwhelming at first.  With so many variations available (and acceptable), it is difficult to decipher where to start.  Couple this with the fact that, in my belief, we need to engage in extensive inner searching to truly uncover what we desire, we realize that it basically is too much for most people.  The average person is accustomed to waffling through life.  BDSM offers an opportunity to take control, something most people are not accustomed to doing.

Freedom is a wonderful thing.  Personally, I feel BDSM is the life choice that equals freedom.  This sounds strange considering that we are involved in something where bondage and enslavement are acceptable methods of interaction.  However, when one is being true to him or herself, as Shakespeare wrote hundreds of years ago, we see that this is, indeed, freedom.  One is free to choose basically whatever is desired.  The limitations that society likes to erect no longer exist.  Outside a few areas, most anything is acceptable (although, unfortunately, you will still deal with judgments even within the life itself).

A problem that arises is that with freedom comes responsibility.  While it is acceptable to have the "kid in the candy shop" situation when first encountering BDSM, after a while it is up to us to start deciding what it is we want.  I cannot tell you the number of profiles that I see online where someone writes something to the effect "I am just seeing what is here" and then I notice their profile is a few years old.  Naturally, not everyone fills in these profile pages but serious people usually have something to write.

Therefore, it is imperative that one decides exactly what it is he or she wants.  Again, going into the success management field, this is referred to as the rifle approach.  When trying to hit a target, a rifle is more accurate than a shot gun.  For those who know guns, a shot gun provides a much wider shot.  A rifle, on the other hand, is targets and provide a clean hit.  We can transfer this idea to our BDSM by simply acknowledging that it is too varied to use the shot gun approach.  Shaking a tree and seeing what will fall it simply will not work.

So, the question "what do you want" is something that everyone needs to sit down and answer.  What do you truly desire?  What will it take for you to be fulfilled?  Are you looking for full fledged service?  Do you like poly or do you prefer a monogamous situation?  What areas are you willing to explore and investigate?  Where are you willing to commit to improving so as to make yourself more attractive to those who are in that particular aspect of this life?  What do you want in the other person?

Now some will say that getting too specific eliminates too many possibilities.  To a certain degree I would agree.  However, the likelihood of someone being too specific is no where near the odds that one is too general.  This simply is human nature.  Remember, we are not accustomed to deciding, in detail, what we want.  Therefore, take the chance on overstepping the bounds and having too narrow a search.  You can always change it later.

One final thought on this subject.  You must decide what are the major sticking points for you.  The truth is that it is highly unlikely that you will meet someone who lines up with every criteria you set down.  Thus, it is imperative that you identify the major necessities for you.  For example, if you are seeking service that includes domestic work, you best be sure that one you are interacting with is willing to do that.  Those who only want bedroom submission tend not to line up when confronted with domestic duties.  The same is true for fetishes.  If you are a diaper girl, you should make sure he is into that sort of thing.  If not, as you can imagine, some conflicts will arise.  A situation like that is going to require some bending that each part is unwilling to do.

Remember the idea of a rifle.  A marksman is successful because the target is easily identified and he or she can take aim at it.  Apply this to your life (BDSM or otherwise).  What is it that you want?  Answer this question in great detail and you establish a target.  Then, you simply need to concentrate on hitting it.  But, at least you have a direction to go in which is more than most out there who are simply floating with the current.

DN  

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What Is Normal?

We use words such as lifestyle, vanilla, and traditional.  Non BDSM people tend to use words such as perverted, sick, and abnormal to describe us.  Obviously, we know, there is a major difference in perspective.  Yet this brings up the question, who is correct?

To start, I want to state that I do not like the term "lifestyle".  BDSM is not a lifestyle although that word is tossed around quite frequently.  I feel this is done to put this in a neat little box which is not possible.   This is not a lifestyle but, rather, my life.  Quite simply, people who are committed to this way of life simply made a choice of how they prefer to live.  It is no different than someone entering into a traditional marriage, being dedicated to a religious order, or a lifetime commitment to celibacy.  People are free to chose how they want to life.  For us, BDSM is the path we opted to follow.

That being said, most of us do not live this 24/7 in the sense we only interact with other people involved in BDSM and partake in the activities around the clock.  Most of us operate in the real world knowing that responsibilities still persist.  We are pragmatic in our outlook.  For example, most of us are well aware that one can be owned.  However, when it comes to work, while the Master might determine if she works or not, while on the clock, she has another Master called a boss.  This is simply how the world works.  Those of us involved in BDSM realize this basic fact of life and interweave our decisions with the rest of the world.

Getting back to some of the terms that are tossed around.  My basic question is "what is normal".  We hear it bantered about frequently, especially amongst the media types (i.e. wind filled talking heads) that espouse their grand wisdom on t.v or the radio.  However, do we really know what it means?  What are they referring to when they state "this is normal" (or usually this is abnormal)?  What does it mean to be normal?

Once again, if we give it a little thought, we come to realize that what is normal is really a mirage.  It is simply a set of standards, mostly unwritten, that society adheres to.  However, the majority of society does not have to adhere to them.  In fact, as we know by being in BDSM, most people stray from the common bounds of normalcy although they tend not to advertise it.  We only need see the success of 50 Shades to understand how many people have thoughts of power exchange and the number of people who actually considered it.  Of course, out of that total, a percentage will have engaged or experimented with it somewhere along the line.  Therefore, even though mainstream society calls us abnormal, the truth is that the majority of people have at least considered what we are into.  In fact, I would guess that the vast percentage of people have tried some form of BDSM play in the bedroom at least once.  Certainly, these are not "lifestyle" people but it does show that the inclinations that we follow are "normal".

What is evident is that normalcy is just a perspective.  Throughout history, there are times when normal is simply what is the majority.  For example, did you know there was a time it was considered abnormal to be left handed?  Since most people are right handed, anyone who used the left hand was thought of like there was something wrong with him.  Most of us have read or heard about the societies that really tarnished people for masturbation considering it sick and abnormal.  If I am not mistaken, people were institutionalized for it at different times throughout history.

The sad fact is that society presents a viewpoint which causes people to feel guilty if they stray outside the bounds of what was established.  What is even more asinine is that people are made to feel bad for even thinking of things that escape what is considered acceptable.  How many times have we seen someone post something about following those "dirty thoughts that I have had since I was a young girl"?  My question is what makes a thought dirty or clean?  Obviously, society will tell us that whether it be the schools, parents, or religious entities.  However, they are simply promoted their biased agenda which suits them.  The truth is one is free to determine whatever he or she opts to.  Of course, this requires exercising free thought.  There are no dirty or clean thoughts...there are just thoughts.  It is the judgment that one places upon them that makes them one or the other.  Unfortunately, much of the internal judgment is driven by the conditioning one received growing up.

My view is there is nothing wrong with the BDSM way of life.  On top of that, I actually believe it is the only natural way to establish or structure interactions.  Equality was created by man in an effort to create a "level playing field".  The net result of this is that the power ends up in the hands of a select few.  Equality is a path to real slavery.  Look around the world today and see where equality ended up.  In BDSM, we are very open about the fact that interactions are on a power exchange basis.  There is nothing equal about how we structure things.  Again, this matches nature.  Notice how the lion is the king of the jungle and not the rest of the animals.  Throughout the day, one operates as a predator while another is prey.  Of course, this can be reversed and the predator becomes prey to something either bigger or faster.  Either way, notice there is no equality.  In fact, equality is abnormal hence why it seems not to work.

I doubt I am the only one who believes the world is upside down.  Society has a way of touting its ideals which may or may not align with what any particular individual believes.  Actually, again looking at 50 Shades, oftentimes the viewpoint of society does not match what a great percentage of the people think.  Nevertheless, those who are in control, the ones with power, have the ability to insert their ideals upon the rest of the masses.  Sadly, most are sheep simply taking what is served it.  BDSM offers the opportunity to think for oneself.  Since normal cannot be described, the idea is for each of us to determine what is "normal for us".  This involves going within to decide what is present.  It is through this process that one can determine what is the best choice for his or her life.  BDSM is about freedom and it starts with the freedom to choose for yourself.



DN 

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Versatility of a Master

Master
Dom
Daddy
Sadist

I come across profiles stating that they are seeking one of these.  This got me thinking, what do these particular words mean and where does one fit on the spectrum?  How is it that a man is a master but not a daddy for example?

A master is one who is capable to "owning" someone and controlling her life.  This is the most basic definition of it.  From this basis, one acquires certain skills that enhance or add to their interaction. Most masters will have a basic understanding of motivation, psychology, finance, leadership, and other matters which provide direction for the relationship.  At the same time, he will contain qualities such as courage, strictness, discipline, determination, compassion, empathy, patience, and forgiveness.  Please notice how some of these characteristics fall at opposite ends of the spectrum.  Strictness and empathy tend not to go together in the minds of most.  Yet, a true master will have both and apply each when necessary.  If one does not have the full spectrum of qualities, I believe you are more likely dealing with a pretender or an abuser masked as a master.  Being strict is a part of the program.  However, if one is so strict that there is no leeway or flexibility, that is abusive.  A good master can be firm and harsh when needed while also being considerate and caring.. They are not mutually exclusive.

Most of my regular readers know that I feel the title of the dominant is mostly determined by the place the submissive occupies.  Once one is able to master fully, it matters not where the submissive falls on the spectrum.  He is able to fulfill her.  In other words, he is versatile enough to adapt to her needs.  What do I mean by this?  A master can own a sub.  In this instance, he most likely, in common terminology, would be called a dom.  Of course, this does not make him any less of a dominant than when he was called a master.  His abilities did not change, only the state of the submissive.  In fact, depending upon the situation, he might be a master to one and dom to another.  The same is true for being a sadist.  If he is with one who is a masochist, then that is a part of their interaction.  Naturally, if she is not into that, then, while the ability and quality remains in him, it is not a part of their relationship.

Here I am going to insert one of my typical caveats.  On the subject of sadism, I do not believe that it belongs in any relationship where the submissive is not a masochist.  In other words, a submissive who is not into this form of play should not have to endure impact play.  Nor should she be beaten to satisfy his urges.  In my mind, this is the definition of abuse.  Sadism should be the deriving of pleasure by imparting pain on another who ENJOYS that.  If one does not like it, then it becomes abuse.  (Pain as a form of punishment is acceptable as long as the criteria are clear and the pain imparted matches the offense).

Getting back to the topic at hand, my point is that whatever term is applied, they all can be fulfilled by the same person.  As I said, once an individual learned the art of domination and control while engaging in the internal search to uncover what is truly within him, then he is able to fulfill most anyone who comes under his control.  Therefore, if one is looking for a dominant as opposed to a daddy, then he can fulfill the little girl in her.  Too many believe that a master is only sadistic and harsh.  But, as I mentioned, with the spectrum of qualities, a good master is also nurturing and caring.  Only the idiots believe that it is an all or nothing affair (and put on their tough bravado).

An interesting aside to the idea of a master/daddy dom, I once knew a couple that lived M/s for many years.  They were together for a couple decades.  What is interesting is that the master once told me, that as time went by, their relationship morphed into more of a daddy/babygirl as opposed to master/slave type situation. The same two individuals involved in the relationship containing the same abilities yet the relationship altered in terms of the interaction changing the definition.

The bottom line is that the dominant needs to be able to implement what is needed into the relationship to fulfill the submissive.  Those with the idea of looking for one "title" in particular are eliminating many who are exactly what they need.  Of course, with the online world made up of mostly pretenders, this is a safe practice.  Nevertheless, when dealing with someone real, it is best to remember that even if he is a sadist, he is not only that.  A master is a holistic person able to operate in a wide range of situations with a variety of personalities.  For whatever reason, it seems the term master is equated with harshness, violent, and intolerant.  Are there those out there who call themselves masters who fit this description?  Absolutely.  However, I would not call them master but abusers.  Again, a true master is able to operate along the full spectrum.

Food for thought.

DN  

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Life

There is no normal life....there is just life. -Doc Holiday

DN

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I Am Not A Doormat

Today, I am going to write about a topic that absolutely drives me nuts.  As I make my way around the virtual BDSM world, I look at a ton of profiles.  Over time, it is easy to pick up on the general things that people encounter.  This particular subject is so common that it has to be mentioned.

We all know that the idiots and misfits of society views subs, and slaves in particular, as people who are less than they are.  This leads to the tendency to look down upon one which is followed by actions reflecting that viewpoint.  Naturally, this creates a scenario that leads to slaves posting things on their profile.

Whenever I see someone write "I am not a doormat" or "I am not weak", it tells me that one of two things is going on.  Either we are dealing with an individual who has no idea what slavery is all about or it is someone who dealt with the multitude of dumbasses that seem to be drawn to this way of life.  Regardless of what the cause is, it is based upon a false premise.

I am going to emphatically state here that slaves are NOT weak people.  At the same time, they are NOT doormats.   In fact, I could make an argument that slaves are the strongest people within our way of life.  Few ever take the time to consider the inner strength and trust that is required to cede all power over to another.  Volunteering to live in a TPE situation is something that requires one to dig deep before entering.  To believe that anyone can do it is a mistake.  Only a certain few can pull it off successfully.

That being said, I must state that I use the term "slave" to denote someone who is in or seeking to live in a TPE situation.  This is an individual who does not want any control or power other than what is ceded to her by the master.  Now, some operate under this premise while calling themselves subs.  That is fine.  Whatever the terminology that is used, the basic idea holds.

I think it would be worthwhile to consider what a slave goes through in making the decision to give herself to someone.  As mentioned, we are dealing with TPE so the slave has no say over her life except what is granted by her master.  This means things such as where she lives, if she works or not, what clothes she can wear, and who she can interact with.  Depending upon the master, she might be required to learn extensive protocol.  Even without this, there will be house rules which she is going to certainly have to adhere to.  The interaction with her family might be controlled or determined for her.  In short, every aspect of her life is out of her hands.

For many this is a dream state.  This is the ideal they seek.  However, do not underestimate the risks.  We all know this way of life is wrought with abusers.  A slave, just by her nature, is in a position where one can take excessive liberties with her, to the point of causing harm.  This is something that we all need to continue to fight against.  Nevertheless, it does happen so we are remiss if we do not mention it.

A slave has a mind that needs to be developed.  The master is in control but that does not mean he has all the answers.  Drawing upon the business world, if the master is the CEO, he has the final say.  Yet that does not mean he is the only one with some knowledge.  A slave is a valuable resource and often will have good ideas.  A master is best served by hearing her voice and considering it before making a decision.  It is this process that enables him to make more informed decisions and create more harmony within his home.

It seems that many miss the basic premise of BDSM which is growth.  Time and again we see that people are basically looking at slaves as idiots.  Of course, this is done by those I call morons so that ought to say something.  Nevertheless, most are fearful of an intelligent, strong individual.  This is not what they seek.  They intentionally focus upon those who appear dim-witted.  The reason for this is because they truly are insecure about their domination.  It is no challenge to control and dominate someone who is weak.  However, it takes great strength to be able to handle someone who is strong and intelligent.  This is just too much for the masses.  Instead, they opt to treat all at the level they can handle which is pretty low.

In closing, remember this idea.  If a slave truly is property, it is your place to make her as valuable as possible.  Utilize the resources within her and do not treat her like she is a doormat.  Simply because one opts for a position of servitude, that does not equate to weakness.  As I mentioned, I believe that is actually a sign of great strength.

DN 

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My View On Slavery

Words carry great meaning because of the images they present in our minds.  Humans think in pictures and the greatest writers were those who could instill the best images via their words.  Therefore, when we seek to try to understand something, it is best to understand the terminology we use and what it means.  Today, I am going to present some of my ideas on slavery and what certain aspects mean.

Much of my thoughts on this subject, like many things in life, have changed over the years.  My overall summation of slavery is best described in the Nordic sense of the word.  Historical imagery is powerful albeit not always correct.  While agreeing that we operate in a consensual way of life, there are aspects of slavery which can exceed that.

To start, we look at some definitions that seem to confuse many.

Free Woman (or Man):

 This is any non-slave.  Period.  This includes all dominants, submissives, and anyone else who does NOT identify themselves as a slave.  A free person is born free and always will be free.  This person is not destined for ownership unless he or she does determine at a later time to be truly a slave.

Slave:

A slave is someone who seeks total and complete ownership.  This is an individual who desires to live under a total power exchange situation.  All power is handed over to the owner.  To me, this is an extreme relationship set up and there is no middle ground.  Any power that a slave has only exists because it is granted to her by the Master.  Naturally, for this to work, the power she is ceding needs to be to someone worthy of it and able to handle it.  But, then again, that is a different matter altogether.

Another aspect is that a slave only makes the decision to submit once.  In other words, her one major choice is whether to be a slave or not.  Once this is done, she is now "property" of the lifestyle.  She is no longer a free woman.  Her days of taking a free breath are over.  She is a slave the rest of her life and a commitment she is to live up to.

That being said, there are two states of slavery we must detail.

A slave can either be owned or unowned.  Too many make the mistake of believing that if a slave does not have a master, then she is not a slave.  That is not true.  This is akin to stating that one is not a woman if she does not have a husband.  Once a person decides she is a slave and remains fully committed to that, she is worthy of that title.  Of course, the commitment must be to the full power exchange I mentioned.  In my mind, anything short of that, like sexual slavery, is not true slavery.  Under this name, it is a full power exchange in one area while power remains in other areas.  Certainly, this is an acceptable relationship structure yet it is not slavery.

Therefore, a slave is unowned if she lacks a master.  Once she becomes property of another, she ceases to be unowned and can claim to be owned.

Old Tradition

There is one concept that I want to interject that was used in the past yet has fallen by the wayside.  Earlier, I mentioned that a slave makes one major decision: to be a slave.  Obviously, when you read what is written today, this is not the belief.  Many believe the slave decides who she is to submit to.  I can agree with this simply because there are so many pretenders so the likelihood of dealing with a true master are minimized when looking at the numbers.  However, this was not always the case.

There was a time when a slave was not released.  The reasoning was simple.  To start, a slave is a slave hence not capable of freedom.  Another aspect to this was the unfairness of releasing a slave and putting her on her own.  Anyone who lived 24/7 knows the pain that one endures when released.  Not only does she have to deal with the ending of a long term relationship but she also needs to learn how to live again.  What I mean by this is that she instantly has decisions thrust upon her.  For many, this is as painful as dealing with the loss of her relationship.

In the past, on the dominant side, there were mentors.  People did not call themselves dominant simply because they read a few webpages.  Instead, one was trained by another at the finer art of ownership.  This relationship was one that lasted years with both parties growing and helping each other.  It also set up a chain of ownership which was crucial for the slave(s) involved.  Therefore, if a relationship was ending, especially for the reason of death, provisions were made for the slave to have a new home (and owner).  Usually, she was turned over to either the previous owner's mentor or perhaps one that he mentored.  In other words, a slave was not set free on her own.

So what is the practicality of this idea today?  I would say not very good.  Sadly, many slaves are released without provision simply because this concept was completely lost.  As mentioned, we start with the simple fact that most dominants are full of crap (as are many of the submissives).  They are not true practitioners of domination but, rather, game players or, worse, abusers.  Either way, there is a great amount of uncertainty as to what one is dealing with.  In addition, few engage in being mentored into this way of life.  There are no chains of ownership available since everyone is on their own.  

Which brings me to my final point.  I have seen too many simply let go without a single provision for her future.  To me, anyone who does this is NOT a master.  A true master would never operate this way.  If a slave is let go from a TPE relationship, the master will accept responsibility for her until she gets established on her own.  In most instances, this means money.  Is it not interesting that many are perfectly willing to take the proceeds from a slave's work yet unwilling to give some back when the relationship ends.  This is unacceptable.  A master needs to be setting aside provisions in case something happens.  If the end does occur, for whatever reason, the onus is on him to make sure she has some funds to get herself a place and pay her bills until she can get established.  His responsibility does not end simply because the relationship ended.

While finding another owner might not be practical in this era, at least he can be a stand up guy and ensure one aspect of her needs are taken care of.  Too many seem to be tossed out without a thought and, to me, that is not mastery.  Frankly, it is another form of abuse.  Masters need to operate on another level as compared to the rest of the human race.  When you have the power of one's life in your hands, it is crucial you are responsible with that power.  Therefore, thinking the entire thing through is vital.  Ownership is not all sunshine and roses.  Remember that.

DN

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Hauling Your Past Around

It is amazing the ways people sabotage their lives and, in particular, their BDSM interactions.  I see this all the time as I travel around the Internet reading profiles and entries people make.  It is astounding how some people can express themselves.  They are almost poetic in their writings.  However, they are also very revealing with how they think.

Have you ever wondered why some people, perhaps yourself, find themselves on an endless loop?  What I mean by this is that their life simply keeps repeating itself.  We see this all the time within the BDSM world with people continually getting into relationships that basically mirror each other.  How come, for example, one goes from one abusive relationship to the next?  At the same time, we see so many find fake after fake after fake.  Why is this?  What is the cause of this?

My belief is people and their lives are simply a product of their thinking.  As they think, so they behave.  This is not a novel concept since it has been written about for over 100 years.  Some of the greatest "teachers" in the last century have boldly stated that it is our thinking that creates our reality.  Many will have noticed that fear, the Devil's greatest technique according to Napoleon Hill, is a great creator in life.  What someone fears most tends to come to fruition.  Why is that?  Obviously, when one fears something, he or she focuses upon it while adding a great deal of energy to that thought.  Over time, the fear takes on a life of its' own until it materializes in the physical world.  If you look honestly over parts of your life, you will see how this is true.

Many within the BDSM community have a tendency to relive their past even while in the present.  This is extremely common among the submissive types yet they do not have a monopoly on it.  Dominants are just as likely to engage in this behavior.  So often I see some of the poetic types writing wonderful prose yet opening up all their fears for the world to see.  It is rather sad yet they are completely unaware of what the problem is.

Let me tangent for a second and ask a few questions: 

Do you like to be told that you have smaller boobs than the last slave?
How do you like being told that you are not as good in bed as my ex?
Does it feel good to have how wonderful the last submissive was thrown in your face?
Is it appealing to you to be repeatedly ranked or grouped with those he or she interacted with in the past?

I would say most people would say they would not like this done.  However, have you ever noticed how many people do this exact same thing?  They simply compare all their past experiences to the present situation.  We see the past is dragged into the present which helps to sabotage that situation.  This is especially true when those who suffer emotional turmoil from the breakup of a relationship fail to take the time to properly mourn the ending of that.  Instead, they throw these comparisons out, either on purpose or inadvertently.  Either way, the present situation is poisoned by this behavior.

So what drives it?  My conclusion is fear.  People simply do not know how to get over their life issues and move on.  They tend to focus upon what their experiences are without regard to what chaos it is creating in the present.  This is a basic Life 101 skill that few are adept at.  Sadly, it is also a practice that seems to sabotage so many BDSM relationships.  I cannot tell you how many times I witnessed someone saying something to the effect "let it go" only to have the person hold onto it.  The failure to let these emotional hangups go is what causes people tremendous grief because they keep replaying it in their mind.  To add insult to injury, the situation is worsened because of the fact the replaying is done with added emotion which is like putting a thought on steroids.  The chance of it materializing is that much greater.

One of the worst things you can say to someone is "you are just like all the rest".  The truth is we are individuals.  Everyone is unique.  To make a statement like this fails to recognize that person's individuality and unique traits.  Therefore, if the person has any self worth, he or she will tell you to go with someone else since replacement is so easy.  Grouping people, especially one you are interacting with on a highly emotional level, is fatal.  It is the easiest way to destroy a relationship.  Each person wants to be liked and accepted for his or her individual qualities.  Undertaking the process I just described leads to destruction.  It really is that simple.

Now that you understand the process, is it any wonder that most people are extremely unsuccessful in the online BDSM world?  Yes, it is reality that the vast percentage of people online are fake, scammers, and people with ulterior motives.  This cannot be denied.  However, not everyone falls into this category.  In fact, with the online BDSM world being so large in terms of people, there are thousands of people who are real and genuine.  It does take some searching.  Nevertheless, since most have a list as long as their right legs of catastrophic situations, their pre-programming is such that they actually look for the negative.  In other words, they focus upon someone being a scammer, liar, and scumbag.  And guess what they find.  Science calls this hypothesis bias which means that a researcher will tend to find results that match his/her bias entering the experiment.  What we focus upon appears.

Now my question is how many worthy people did this individual come across yet negate simply because he or she was focusing upon the negative?  What opportunities were lost since our BDSM practitioner determined that he or she was going to look for signs of this one being unreal?  How many relationships did he or she get into only to have them destroyed by the need to compare the present situation with the past?  My research led me to believe that many do this.  This is why so many relationships, both inside and outside BDSM, end up in train wrecks.  Quite simply, people are not present in the relationship.  Instead, they are seeing all the past on the face of the person standing three feet away.

Someone once asked my why I write so much about fear.  I do this because it is the great enemy.  Fear truly is the master of most (98% of the people according to Hill).  Those of us in the BDSM world are just as apt to fall prey to the same human conditions that exist in all of society.  Being aware of this emotion is extremely valuable.  Fear is a dominating force that can destroy completely.  Few have an understanding how it operates in life.  It is subtle, dangerous, and ever present.  The situation I used in this post shows how fears do come true.  Comparing what happened in your past, especially the negative aspects of life (isn't it interesting that few pull the positive aspects of the past into the present) shows how one is fearful of the present situation.  In other words, one is expecting (focusing upon) the worst.  Ironic, that is exactly what one gets.

It is a healthy practice to take stock of what goes on in your life.  This includes analyzing the relationships you were in and what occurred.  And yes I will admit that not everything is your fault.  There are some devious, mean-spirited, and scumbag people out there.  BDSM is an umbrella for many abusers.  However, this does not absolve you of your part in these situations.  Where did your fear hinder progressing forward?  In what ways did it lead you to behavior that sabotaged any opportunity for success?  Tony Robbins likes to say "the past does not equal the future" yet for most people it does.  The reason is that they insist on hauling their past around with them and wearing it like it is a badge of honor.  This is why people experience the endless loop aspect of life.  No matter what changes in their life, since their thinking (and fear) is the same, ultimately nothing changes.

And the net result is another lost BDSM relationship.

DN 

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