I decided to start the first post of 2014 by discussing the most fundamental element of our lifestyle: the BDSM relationship. This is the core component which everything is built around. Now before going any further, I must define it for you.
In my eyes, the term "BDSM relationship" applies to the interaction between a dominant and a submissive. It is that simple. Now some want to further tag it to be those who are involved in a deep or long-term relationship. However, while that is accurate, that is not necessary. For example, we see many who are involved with play partners. These individuals get together for a certain time period and limit their activities mostly to the physical. While I will admit that this interaction is rather limited and shallow, nevertheless it does meet the qualification.
It is important that I mention this lifestyle is wide and varied. We are in an alternative way of life which strays from the norm. Amazingly, many try to force their own views by stating how things should be; in essence attempting to establish their own definition of normal.
Commonality
That being said, for our purposes here today, I am going to focus upon the type of relationship which carries a bit more commitment and depth. While play partners are perfectly acceptable, many seek something greater. When they think of the BDSM relationship, they are searching for that "one". In this area, we see people establish relationships similar to the vanilla world with an alteration in the power structure.
I was surprised when I first got involved in the BDSM world, especially online, to see the number of relationships that failed. It was simply astonishing. We know the success rate in the traditional world is not that great. However, what I witnessed completely caught me off guard. I cannot venture a guess but if I did I would say over 85% of the relationships ended up as failures within a short period of time. What is the cause of this?
One part of the equation that needs filtering is the fact that I was basing my judgment utilizing the events online. We all know how this takes things to the extreme in terms of the insanity. Much of what we witness is not real. In fact, since half the people, in my estimation, we encounter online are fakes, liars, frauds, and whatnot, we need to erase them from the analysis. This makes the percentages a little better but not much.
With the remaining people, what was the cause of their demise in their relationships? My conclusion is that most enter BDSM looking for something that was missing in their lives. While I understand this viewpoint, the problem is that upon moving to the alternative world, they discount everything learned in the traditional realm. This is where the downfalls start. A fundamental component of successful relationships is commonality. Without that, the chance of long-term success is substantially lessened.
Boy Meets Girl
Remember the old story of boy meets girl on college campus, falls in love, gets married, and they live happily every after? I do. Now let me ask you, how often does this happen? As we all know, it is a rare occurrence. This is material that is made for fairy tales and romance novels.
Sadly, people entering the BDSM world seem to have the same outlook. Instead of boy meets girl it is dominant finds submissive, whips her ass, and they live happily ever after. Absurd, is it not? Yet, this is something we see out there everyday as we travel around our favorite website. Watch a profile over time and you will see something like "I am now owned by masterlordsuperduperman and he is the one who she will serve forever. Of course, I am saying this slightly tongue in cheek but you get my point. After a few weeks or months, what usually happens? Our excited and opportunistic sub is one again available as we see in her profile that forever lasts about 6 weeks. What happened to the eternal bliss? The simple fact is the fairly tale evaporated immediately.
This situation exemplifies the fact that most believe that finding a dominant or submissive is all there is. It seems that people put all weight upon the fact that the other person simply is the opposite in terms of power exchange. A dominant needs a submissive while a submissive needs a dominant. Seek that out, find it, and everything will be rosy. Well, as I mentioned before, this is akin to the fairy tale which we know does not exist.
So what is missing? The basic foundation of relationship building was completely overlooked. Sadly, in this situation, the couple did not consider anything that comes from the traditional world. Again, they entered the alternative lifestyle with that attitude akin to going through a time warp. They believe they are in a totally new reality. The truth is BDSM is just different but still has many of the same basic elements of life. We are not exempt from it just because we decide to structure our relationships differently.
People need to share common interests to survive together long-term. Every relationship has the honeymoon period which people go through. After that, we see the bare bones of relationship building in action. When problems arise, that is where the foundation takes over. If it is solid, it will survive; weak and the entire things crumble.
Therefore, are there common interests you both have. Remember, BDSM is not about the whips and chains. Just because you are a sadist and she a masochist does not ensure long-term success. For play this might work out. However, we do not spend the vast portion of our days in play. What else is there in your relationship? Are you both into health and physical exercise? Do you enjoy sports or video games? Are you readers? Do you believe in growth and personal development? Are you both evolving as individuals and as a couple? These are all facets which are important to all relationships.
I will further elaborate upon this topic in my next post. For now, take a look at what you like and see how it matches up with the one you are involved with (if you are involved).
Again, I wish everyone a safe and prosperous 2014.
DN
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