January 8, 2014

Resist The BDSM Fairy Tale


50 Shades of Grey became an international best seller.  Everyone is aware of this fact.  It sold over 70 million books worldwide.  The impact upon the BDSM world is immeasurable.  Millions of people were exposed to our way of life many of whom most likely never would have embarked upon it before.  However, was this a good thing? 

Reality

One of the common characteristics I see with newer people to the BDSM lifestyle is the lack of acceptance of reality.  What do I mean by this?  Basically, my observation is that many approach BDSM like they are stepping onto a different planet.  Somehow the rules and knowledge gained in the vanilla world is inapplicable.  It all goes out the window as they enter this "Twilight Zone".

The saddest part about this outlook is these people believe that all their dreams will suddenly come true.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is not the case.  BDSM is no different than the vanilla world in the sense that we still deal with life on a daily basis.  Whatever one experienced while living vanilla, I guarantee that you will most likely encounter it during your time in BDSM.  Life is still life and simply because we make a lifestyle choice, this does not exempt us from it. 

Illness, financial struggles, breakups, and issues with family are all part of the BDSM reality.  The problem with the mindset of so many is that they honestly believe that entering BDSM will alleviate any of these concerns.  Consider the idea again of stepping into the Twilight Zone.  It is as if they believe in a new time/space continuum.  BDSM is no such thing.

For this reason, it is imperative that one be grounded in reality.  Life exists as it does for everyone else.  Just because you decide to structure your relationship in a different manner (in terms of the power breakdown), that does not mean that you entered a state of fantasy.  Yes, BDSM has a lot of offer in fulfillment, excitement, lust, and love.  However, all of that comes with a price.  It is a struggle to establish and maintain a BDSM relationship just like it is for "normal" people.

The BDSM Fantasy

50 Shades of Grey was highly successful for one reason:  it painted a wonderful fantasy.  This book was fiction.  It was not based upon reality.  The intent of this publication (other than being sold) was to engage the reader in a manner where she (mostly) could "lose" herself.  This was simply a romance novel with some BDSM flair thrown in.  Of course, this is no closer to reality than all the romance novels sold at your local bookstore.  They exist solely for entertainment purposes.

Naturally, this does not stop people from believing the image portrayed as being real.  This is akin to those who find BDSM based upon they see from the porn industry.  Is it any wonder why so many people believe that this lifestyle is nothing more than whips and chains based upon the productions from a company like kink.com?  The truth is few of us have dungeons in our homes with slaves tied up there all day long.  Instead, most of us get up each morning and go to work.  Not exactly romantic but it is our reality.

Getting back to the mention of dreams, I find it humorous how so many people believe that entering BDSM is going to make all their fantasies come true.  Again, I will enter a disclaimer stating that it does happen and many of your desires can be fulfilled.  However, what I am referring to is the naive belief that suddenly a person struck upon nirvana by becoming a "BDSM practioner".

Before going any further, I will state that both dominants and submissives are equally apt to engage in the fantasy of BDSM.  This is not a situation where there is a tendency of one over the other.  I came across many dominants who falsely believed they were going to own a house with 5-10 slaves serving all needs (with sexual being at the top of the list).  Of course, what these people fail to consider is the fact that it is impossible to interact with that many people on a serious level.  Also, establishing a successful poly household takes a great deal of effort and time to achieve.  It is not something that can be tossed together like a salad.  But then again, we need to remember our newbie dominant is buying into the fantasy.

One the other side of the coin, the submissive, believes that entering BDSM will cure all in her life.  If she was one who suffered rejection or broken relationships, this will cease to be a problem.  This idea is compounded by those who believe themselves to be "slaves".  I cannot tell you how many I talked with over the years who believed that by entering BDSM all problems would be eliminated.  The individual of this sort would find a Master to "take care of her" while providing all she needed.  Again, the concept of instant nirvana arises.  Little thought was given to the idea that it takes a great deal of time and effort to find someone who will fit as her Master.  Add on the fact that, since we live in the real world, "waiting on her knees by the door until he comes home" might not be feasible since a job could be required. 

As we can see, the disconnect from reality is in full tilt in these instances.  Once more, I will say that it is possible for these things to happen just as it is possible for some handsome, dashing, wealthy dominant will appear and take you all over the world.  However, if I were a betting man, I would suggest you hedge your bets on these ideas.  Since I am not into the gambling racket I will take a stab in the dark by using the term I believe is applies: longshots.

So, in closing, resist the fairy tale.  While it is wonderful to lose yourself in romance and eroticism, do not buy into the fact that it is anywhere near reality.  It is not.  Life remains life and we must operate within it.  BDSM is a wonderful way of life for those who are cut out for it.  However, it requires realistic expectations of ourselves and others.  If not, one is surely to be disappointed when she finds out the hard way that reality is a lot different from the fairy tale.  And trust me when I tell you, it is not pretty when someone gets hit with that reality.

DN  

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