January 13, 2014

Leadership: A Submissive Wants To Follow

As I travel around the web monitoring the state of the BDSM world, I am continually surprised with what I uncover.  It seems that people like to look at the behavior of others while completely ignoring themselves.  Of course, I believe this is natural and part of being human.  However, for those who want to "evolve", looking at oneself is crucial.

BDSM is basically made up of dominant and submissive personalities.  While there are others who are part of our community, the majority of us will fall into one of these two categories.  When I read much of what is out there, I come across the idea of training a sub.  Personally, I always found this to be an odd idea.  On an intellectual level, I understand it but, as a matter of practicality, I am lost.

To Follow

A submissive desires to follow.  This  is in her makeup.  There is nothing else that will fulfill her.  Power and control are not things she craves.  In fact, the exact opposite is in line with her true nature.

So what is so difficult about this concept?  It seems many are confused about it.  A submissive wants to follow, what training is required?  There is nothing to train.  Tell her what she is to do and she will do it.

The argument against this premise, and which confuses the entire issue, is that not all submissives follow.  I agree with this statement.  Yet, instead of deciding that training is required, perhaps it is best to evaluate why she does not follow?  What is preventing her from doing what she craves?  These are important questions which few consider.

The truth is the fault most often lies with the dominant.  An intelligent person understands what a submissive deals with, especially online.  This medium is wrought with pretenders and wannabes.  The "on your knees bitch" crowd is commonplace.  Each day a submissive will encounter dominants who are anything but.  Instead, they are predators.  Over time, a submissive will become leery, usually after a few mistakes.  Dealing with these people leaves a mark on the psyche.

Getting back to our dominant, what did he fail to do with the submissive who wants to follow?  Usually it is a matter of timing.  Trust is not something that can be rushed.  A submissive needs to feel safe and comfortable with an individual before she obeys.  In fact, people like me write posts warning submissives about the insanity of blindly obeying or submitting to another.  It simply is not a healthy practice.  Therefore, a dominant must alter his behavior to instill this confidence in her.  Failure to do this is what results in her resisting.


With power comes responsibility.  Few of the misfits operating online realize this basic fact.  Being in charge is not an easy thing to do.  One must take responsibility for all that occurs; both good and bad.  The "blame game" is not an acceptable approach.  Instead, one needs to step up and realize that all results are because his leadership or lack thereof.

Great leaders accomplish big things.  However, leaders are made, not born.  Thus, we are confronted with the idea that instead of the submissives requiring training, it actually is the dominant ones who need it.  Few have any conception what leading is about.  We live in a world which teaches us to abdicate to others.  When something goes wrong the first thing people do is to point the finger.  This is not what a leader does.

Leaders have vision; they have foresight; they are decisive.  Over time, a leader gains the ability to solve problems.  In all walks of life, no matter what it is, obstacles will arise.  Ultimately, a leader is able to navigate others through those areas to reach a desired goal. 

A submissive wishes to follow.  However, it is impossible to follow if nobody is leading.  A ship without a rudder will drift aimlessly.  How many BDSM relationships fall into this category?  The submissive is not given guidance or direction on a daily basis.  Instead, it is left up to chance.  Or, another situation which is quite common, is that the submissive is told what to do on a micro level without ever being shown a bigger picture.  The reason for this is none usually exists.  Where is the relationship and your lives together going?  Another question that few think about.


An organization that lacks leadership usually fails.  We see this repeatedly in the business world.  Oftentimes, an individual will come up with an idea and start a business.  Because the idea is breakthrough, success ensures.  However, as the organization grows, different skills are required to keep it moving forward, skills that are often lacking in the "inventor" type.  Over time, the success of the organization dwindles as the size becomes a hindrance.  Ultimately, the lack of leadership skills leads to failure.

The same is true in the BDSM world.  Relationships, especially those which are structured on the free exchange of power, need leadership.  Without that leadership quality, it is destined to fail.  A submissive cannot be the reason a relationship fails if she is obeying.  Few seem to grasp this.  How can the person without any power be responsible for the failure of the relationship?  Simple logic mandates that it is impossible.

***I will enter a disclaimer here stating that I know relationships end for a variety of reasons and it is possible for something to end and "be nobody's fault".  It truly does take two people to make a relationship work and if one party is not as dedicated or committed, problems will arise.  Nevertheless, do not allow this to deter from the point that I am making.

Most BDSM relationships end because the dominant lacks the ability to lead.  He is the one who was granted the power.  Hence, all results rest at his feet.  It is ironic that he is very happy to accept the accolades for success.  However, when it is time to own up to the failure, he is nowhere to be found.  One again the blame game takes place.

Success in a BDSM relationship requires navigating through all aspects of life.  Physical, mental, emotional, and financial are just a few of the areas which one needs to excel at if he expects to be a strong dom/master.  Always remember, a submissive simply wants to follow.  It is up to the dominant to guide the relationship in the direction that is required.  Anything short of that is abdicating his responsibility to the relationship.

So I ask you, what is your plan for success?  What are you (the dominant) going to do to ensure the success of your relationship?  How are you going to improve in the areas I just mentioned?  In fact, before answering that question, ask yourself why a submissive should trust you to begin with?  How would you rank your money management skills (especially if you claim to be a master)?  What control do you exert over your physical body or do you have "body by Budweiser?  Are you suffering from any addictions which run your life and make your decisions?  What are your skills in the typical BDSM areas and how do you intend on improving them?  Why should any submissive believe that you will be better a year from now and that her life will be improved by being with you?

There is a saying that applies: those who fail to plan, plan to fail.  Do not fall into this trap.  Step up to the plate and take control of your BDSM life.


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