April 20, 2013

Domination Versus The Alpha Male

The Alpha Male is something that is often talked about in our society as one who is revered and respected.  This is the person who is the business leader.  He is also the one who scores all the hot women at the bar.  This person is one who exudes confidence while always portraying an image of control.  In short, women want him and other men want to be like him.  But is this really the case?

Fear Based

I am going to be make a lot of generalizations here so please resist the temptation to point to those who do not fit into the box I am referring to.

Many who are considered Alpha Males are really weak people.  Inside, they are overrun with fear.  Their demeanor is such that it appears they are confident when, in fact, they live their lives running.  There is always something at their core which is motivating them to excel.  While this is beneficial in some regards, it does not equate to domination.  True domination does not come from a place of fear.  Yet many of these Alpha Males do just that.

Being scared does not amount to being in control no matter how far down one pushes the fear.  We see, for example, many who financially successful people who grew up in extreme poverty.  The operate from a place of never wanting to suffer financial lack again.  They even take it to the point of being miserly.  Many will do all they can to safeguard against losing.  They worry about it continually and keep going forward because there is never enough.  Notice how the fear is in control.

Contrast this with someone who is truly dominant.  This person could have the desire to excel in the same manner as the Alpha Male.  However, he is not using fear as the motive.  While he might have the same desire not to return to poverty, he is not overly worried about his financial state.  He believes that he is in control of his success.  His confidence tells him that if things did go bad, he would rebound.  A true dominant is aware that he is to control himself first and foremost which allows him to take control of life situations.  The Alpha Male is often presenting an image which falters when challenge by life.

Domination cannot come from a place of fear.  Within the confines of BDSM, anyone who does this becomes abusive.  Any moron can control with fear if he is boisterous enough and uses his physical size to intimidate.  However, this is not domination.  I hope you know the difference.


Another area we see a contrast is in how one interacts.  The Alpha Male is usually the center of attention.  He is a person that everyone wants to talk with.  No matter what the event, he will attract the eyes of all in the room.  His portrays confidence while being comfortable in social situations.  This person is the epitome of being an extrovert. 

As was shown above, much of this facade is understood when one looks behind what is presented and sees the core.  Again, oftentimes, this person is run by fear.  He is the center of attention because he needs it.  In other words, a person of this ilk operates with a fragile self esteem.  He is not comfortable if people are not fawning all over him because that reflects upon his worth.  Instead, he concentrates his efforts on everyone liking him so that it appeases his inner child.

When we compare this with the dominant we find an entirely different animal.  Many dominants are introverts.  They do not require attention from others; in fact many prefer not to have it.  A person of this nature is content being alone.  He does not require the approval of others nor does he need other people continually around.  At a party, he might be a person quietly interacting with one or two people in a corner. 

The big difference is the Alpha Male behaves like the world revolves around him.  At the same time, many others operate according to a similar belief.  This person is thrust to the center of the universe.  A dominant does not live according to this belief.  Instead of the world revolving around him, he simply controls his world.  What others do is of no consequence unless they enter into his realm.  One is concerned about image while the other control.

The Ability To Be Human

A true dominant is a human being.  He is able to acknowledge this about himself and it shows in his actions.  The truth is we all make mistakes.  There are times when we all have the proverbial "egg on our face".  This is nothing to be ashamed of.  One who has confidence understands this.  On mistaken action is not a reflection upon the worth of a person.  This is true for both himself and others around him.  Embracing the humanity of ourselves is what separates the dominant from those who are not.

This is something to be mindful of when interacting with someone who proclaims to be a dominant.  Watch how he acts when he makes a mistake.  Does he own up to it or is he one to place blame elsewhere?  Is he intolerant of a mistake on the part of a submissive?  Does he require one always to be looking her best for fear of what others will think?  Are the opinions of others overly stressed and important to him?  These are all warning signs that one is not truly dominant.

From the exterior, a dominant and an Alpha Male can look the same.  But answering the above questions will uncover what is motivating this individual.  One who is trying to overcome some fear is not dominant.  My experience is that a person coming from this place will tend to be domineering to the degree that it is obvious.  We notice then when punishments are doled out for the slightest mistake.  A person who is intolerant and inflexible is not one who understands nor is really capable of dealing with human beings.  Acceptance of others faults especially when they are trying to correct them is a central idea that many miss.

Overall, I would say that a person who is dominant has what I call a quiet confidence about themselves.  They do not need to be boisterous or loud.  Instead, he is assured within himself of the place occupied and how he interacts with the world.  Actions will speak louder than words.  While he might question things periodically about himself, this is undertaken in an effort to improve.  The inner journey never ends.  One of this sort is always learning realizing there is more to uncover about himself and his craft.  The Alpha has to be aggressive while the dominant knows a lot more can be gained by being laid back.  Certainly that does not mean he will not be aggressive if the situation warrants it.  But, again, it is contingent upon the situation.  The Alpha has a pre-programmed mode of interaction.  I think you can see the difference.

Ponder these ideas as you embark on your search.  Question yourself and a perspective dominant.   Try to uncover the motives that this person comes from.  Be aware if one is too image conscious for that could be a sign of covering up a major insecurity.  Look for the quiet confidence that will reap benefits in time of turmoil.  If it exists, you probably have a solid basis to build a foundation upon.


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Anonymous said...

The alpha male is a concept that to me depends on the situation.

I think there are three elements, being strong, good looking and having money together equals power. Being good looking alone won't make someone an alpha male but it will make him attractive to women or other partners.

Having money gives the man more options and the ability to provide security. On the other hand how the person got the money, either through work or being born rich makes a difference in the alpha quality.

Being strong also has the same issues. The combination I most frequently see is good looking and money.

All of that is different from what I term leadership or management. A good leader is someone people think of as an alpha in the military sense of having troops follow orders.

A lot of the alpha males I see do have confidence but if you take a rich person, a good looking person, or a strong person, per se, they won't have any more ability to lead others than the average guy.

In my own case people don't see me as an alpha and I don't tend to follow alpha males, I have mostly gone my own way. I really have no desire to impose my will on anyone in a non consensual situation and most situations don't require that these days, we are not all fighting other tribes. In business a good business man isn't necessarily an alpha and just going by appearances can lead someone to think that a rich person is an alpha which is incorrect.

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