March 17, 2013


 As part of the ongoing idea that people in the BDSM world should hold themselves to a higher standard than the general population, I would like to cover a topic that most seem to ignore.  Reliability and dependability are important factors in any type of relationship.  Sadly, it seems we reside in a world where this is not something people feel noteworthy.  Instead we find that a person's word means nothing.


Many seem to have trust issues and who can blame them?  Trust is something that is earned yet few seem wiling to go to that end.  Rather, the majority of the population seem to think it is something that should arbitrarily be given without any cause for merit.  At the same time, we see these same people unwilling to return the favor opting for the skeptical approach.  While this is understandable to a degree, it is a factor which can create havoc within interpersonal relations.

Trust is developed through consistency.  And one is consistent when he or she operates in reliable ways.  A person can take comfort in knowing what another person will do the majority of the time.  This is true whether we are referring to a M/s relationship or a friendship.  Interpersonal relations require this degree of trust for depth to occur.

Using a simple friendship as an example, who wants to interact with someone who is always breaking plans.  Here we have an individual who is exemplifying the desire to be unreliable.  All plans are taken with a grain of salt because they are always subject to change.  While some might maintain the person is consistent in his/her actions, it is not a positive means to improve a relationship.

The same is true for the intimate relationships within the BDSM community.  If one is an unreliable Master, as an example, then a slave will have a difficult time knowing what the protocol is to follow.  Inconsistency from a dominant is one path to death of a relationship.  Submissives depend upon certainty for their success and if one cannot provide that, disintegration of the relationship is the only option.  One cannot trust another who is unreliable.  It is that simple.

Word Your Bond

There was a time when business deals were completed with nothing more than a handshake.  No paperwork or lawyers were required.  If a man said he was going to buy something for a particular price, it was set in stone.  His word was his bond.  There was no thought of betraying that.  This was a time when people held themselves to a higher personal standard.

What do we see today?  The exact opposite.  Obviously, we live in a world of contracts and people who have the task of either upholding or breaking those same documents.  Leaving the business world aside, we also see a tendency for people to act in ways that are in line with this mindset.  And the BDSM world is full of people of this nature.

To start, the online world is the wild west for trollers and scammers.  We know that people will create all kinds of personas only to be revealed as something completely different.  Men pretending to be women, married claiming to be single, and dominants who only found BDSM 3 days ago is the norm.  However, the online world is not the only place this exists.

How many of you found the same to be true in real time?  It is not uncommon for people to disappear even after real time interaction occurred.  On a lesser scale but equally as disappointing is the person who agrees to plans only to notify one later of something different.  Either way, the person is showing him or herself to lack the reliability that was previously mentioned.

Commitment is a word that has lost a great deal of meaning today.  People commit to something as long as it is convenient.  The second if becomes too difficult, they exit.  We see this overall with people's approach to the lifestyle.  Their commitment level is high until they see all the games (especially online) that are played and begin to realize how difficult it is to find a dominant or submissive.  Then, the questioning about whether he or she wants part of the BDSM lifestyle begins.  This is one of the reasons why so many enter BDSM and leave just as quickly.  While they might lack character themselves, there is also a high probability that the ones they were dealing with did also. 

Therefore, in closing, look at yourself and your behavior.  Are you a dependable person?  Can you consider yourself someone who adds to the lives of others (or another) in the way you behave?  Do you keep your word as your bond?  Or are you one who is willing to change your plans if a better offer comes along?  The BDSM journey is one that starts within.  Too many skip this process believing that something outside of themselves will create fulfillment.  It will not.  To successfully navigate the BDSM path, one must first determine the character he or she will subscribe to.  Then, and only then, can another person be added to enhance one's experience.  I suppose this is true in all of life.  However, those of us in BDSM should seek to lift ourselves to the highest level possible.


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