January 5, 2013

Strength Equals Domination

Do not think this post applies only to those who are dominant.  What I am going to discuss here today applies just as much to submissives.  In fact, because of the misinformation that exist online, it is even more crucial that submissive read this post.  Contained herein is something that is seriously missing in the BDSM world today.

A Submissive Is Not Weak

I see so many post in their profile something to the effect: do not mistake my submissiveness for weakness.  Certainly, I agree with this statement if it is indeed true.  To start, it is sad that this needs to be stated and very telling about the state of the lifestyle today.  However, I feel that most who post this statement are indeed weak.  It is not the submissiveness that makes them weak but, rather, their approach to life.  Naturally, I am going to say the same exists for most of the "dominants" who are out there also.

We live in an entitlement age.  This is the state of affairs as I see it.  There is no denying that more people today are dependent upon someone (thing) outside of themselves than ever before.  It matters little what metric is used to study this situation, the end result is the same.  For the last 30-40 years, in the Western Cultures, people were indoctrinated into the idea that they somehow "deserve" something.  Madison Avenue did a terrific job instilling this belief in people.  Whether it is the fancy foreign automobile or the McMansion, the fact is that people have the mindset that they deserve these items.  The concept of work and affordability is beyond them.

What does this have to do with BDSM?  I point this situation out to illustrate the larger context that we are dealing with.  Naturally, this idea is not exclusive to BDSM but is applicable since it is a microcosm of society at large.  This is a fallacy that the Internet has promoted: the idea that somehow those living in the BDSM world are somehow exempt or operate differently from those in the traditional realm.  Life is still life.

Entitlement is a path that breeds weakness.  Years ago, the imagery was presented with the analogy of the spoiled rich kid.  Here was a person who was handed everything in life and did not have to work for anything.  In high school, this individual had the fanciest car and the nicest clothes while those of us who were less fortunate were obligated to work after school to pay for the beater we drove. 

The weakness enters the picture in the fact that when life is made too easy, when things are taken care of for us or given to us, we fail to grow.  Strength comes from encountering the difficulties in life and overcoming them.  This is true throughout the course of nature.  Our own individual aging process is nothing more than a series of lessons provided by life.  The more we experience, the stronger we become.  Unfortunately, the reverse is true.  When we are shielded from those events in life, we become weaker people in comparison to the rest of the population. 

So when a submissive says she is not weak because she is submissive, I whole-heartedly agree.  Nevertheless, since we live in a world today where entitlement is the norm, I tend to believe that more than a few are indeed weak simply because their approach to life.  In the next section, I will explain how to alter this reality.

Dominate What You Can

We all know there are a lot of things in life outside our control.  Our political figures do whatever they want in spite of what we believe to be the best course of action. We work for others who have ideas which differ from our own yet they have the power hence we do as instructed.  Driving on the highway is a lesson in powerlessness when we see the lack of skill at maneuvering an automobile.  In short, there is a great deal which we have no power over.

This brings up the next point which is that one, whether dominant or submissive, needs to dominate those areas which he or she does have control over.  Strength comes from domination.  To succeed in any area of life, one must approach it with the intent of totally controlling it and altering reality to fit a chosen ideal.  This is what power means.  And submissives, just like dominants, have this inherent power.  The question is whether one chooses to apply it to his or her life.  Sadly, for both, I fail to see many exercising their power.

I am a big believer in the idea of determining what someone truly is by looking at the totality of that person's life.  Inevitably, the lack of congruence will appear.  I see so many who claim to be dominant yet have no control over any aspect of life.  People like this are often out of shape, in trouble financially, in a dead end career, have a miserably family life, and their home is a mess.  The first thing that pops into my head is "what do you dominate".  The fact is that someone who is a dominant personality would produce results in accordance to that quality.  Sadly, for many, this simply is not the case which tells me this person is not living according to that precept.

The same is true for submissive types.  While I will admit the motivation is different, one who is strong (and alone) will take control of those situations that he or she can.  The same aforementioned areas are within the power of a submissive.  They are the basic areas of life and failure to handle them puts an individual (and a family) in a world of hurt.  Therefore, it is necessary to take control of these situations and alter them to our liking.  Ironically, when a submissive does this, the baggage that is carried into a new relationship is lessened.

Not Rescuing

BDSM is not about rescuing another or being rescued.  I see so many who have experienced difficulty in life and believe that BDSM is their ticket out of misery.  Their failure in other relationships and other outside events like financial circumstances lead some to seek someone to remove these obstacles.  It is easy to find many victims online all looking for the White Knight to come along.  Of course, there are some who believe they are White Knights who are more than willing to fill the void.  Unfortunately, even for the most earnest of saviors, sometimes the burden is just too great (or they were not as sharp as they thought).

A BDSM relationship is the merging of two (or more in poly) people who are willing to bring something to enhance the other person's life.  The key is what is one able to give as opposed to take from the relationship.  A successful BDSM relationship has a submissive (slave) who is willing to focus upon the needs of the dominant (master) while he/she does the same in return.  Each person has a role to fill.  They are diametrically opposed in character trait but the motivation for the focus is the same: what can I bring to this other person's life?

Now, before some of you go off the deep, I understand that everyone is dealt a bad hand in life at times.  Certainly, there are many issues which can arise that cause one to become dependent upon someone or something.  Illness, as an example, can strike any of us.  Bad financial circumstances sometimes arise overnight causing tremendous hardship.  At the same time, even within a relationship, there are times when one person is unable to give to the relationship and must assume the role of taker by leaning on the other person.  This is a healthy way to approach things in times of need.  When one is weak, he or she should attempt to tap into the strength of the other.  However, if this is all the time, as in the case of the rescuing, eventually that strength is unavailable to either person.  Relationships of this sort always end.

Therefore, whether you are dominate or submissive, seek to dominate those life situations which are under your control.  Certainly, many will find those areas of influence rather limited.  That is okay.  As long as you are taking control of what you can.  The reason for this is to build strength.  Thus, if the only area of responsibility that you affect at this moment is the cleaning of the house, take charge and do it 1000%.  Whatever falls into your sphere, aim to dominate that situation and make it the best that you can.  In the end, this will make you a much stronger person who is able to handle responsibility.  And that is something sorely needed in the BDSM community today.  There are just too many people who behave in non-responsible ways. 


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