January 23, 2013

What Does BDSM Mean To You?


This is a crucial question that few seem to take the time to answer.  What does BDSM mean to you?  We read about this being a way of life yet did you ever take the time to consider what it means?  The answer to that question is most likely not.

Personal Conduct

BDSM is about personal conduct.  While this is true for all of life, my personal belief is that one who claims to be involved in BDSM establishes a higher standard than most.  Obviously, this idea is not reflected by most of the online community where immaturity and childishness seem to rule the day.  At the same time, we are infiltrated with the scammers, liars, con artists, and game players which makes meaningful participation difficult.  It is apparent to anyone with an I.Q. above 3.5 that these people do not reflect the good qualities of life.

When one begins the search for information about BDSM, he or she does not travel far before uncovering words such as honor, integrity, character, service, and respect.  The are concepts which are foundational to our lifestyle.  Yet how many people actually put them into practice?  For example, I have witnessed a slave mention honor while being "owned" by 18 Masters.  Perhaps my definition of honor differs from hers because operating in a state of complete deceit is not honorable.  At the same time we see so many who do not take the time to develop their personal qualities resulting in them being a weak person.  How is this beneficial to anyone?  Life is a process of growth and those who shy away from it fail to increase their value.  This is another example that is true throughout all of life.

Therefore, when looking at one's own personal conduct, it is imperative that the process start by raising one's standards for him or herself.  This means adopting the mindset of being leaders among the general population.  I know this is seems counter intuitive for those who are submissive but bear with me on this.  When we hold ourselves and our conduct to a higher standard, we become better people.  In those areas where we focus, we see improvement.  Instantly, we begin to live on a different plane than the general population.  Our interactions take on a different meaning.  Our personal character is enhanced providing us a platform for success no matter what the venue.  Whether it is a Master or a boss, the bottom line is an individual of this sort can be counted upon to come through when needed.  The same is not true for the average person.

Excellence In Life

The imagery of BDSM that is presented online gives a warped perception of what it is all about.  Most quickly realize that being involved in BDSM is not what is shows in a kink.com video.  While whips, chains, and impact play are a part of our lives, it is not the main focus.  Life is still life.  A person of high standards and quality will show this in the results he or she attains.

This means that growth is required in all phases of life.  Personal pride (not cockiness) is a foundational piece.   Weakness is something that is not tolerated while being stamped out immediately.  Regardless of the life situation, one seeks to excel to the highest possible standard.  Contrast this with the mindset of the average person.  This is what I mean by taking your character to a new level. 

I approach BDSM with the mindset of being the best in all I can do.  My domination is not just in regards to a submissive person with whom I might have a relationship or be interacting with.  The truth is that I seek to dominate each area of my life.  Mediocre is not in my mindset.  Focusing on attaining the best means that excellence is often achieved.  Again, I will make the distinction of where the motivation comes from.  Having personal pride mandates that this is the only outlook to have.  When one personal pride, he or she is coming from a place of security.  Compare this with cockiness where one comes from a place of fear.  One who is cocky lacks a healthy self esteem to allow his or her true character to show through.  Therefore, a facade is erected depicting what one wants to show to the outer world.  Sadly, for those who are adept at these things, the facade is as clear as plastic wrap. 

Another factor relating to this point is that being the best in everything is impossible.  A person needs to have a clear picture of where the bar falls.  Progress is the main ingredient.  Obviously, depending upon the situation, results will vary.  In fact, no matter what the field, there is always someone who is better.  This is simply a fact of life.  A healthy self esteem allows one to strive to be the best while maintaining oneself when falling short.  The result is excellence.

It is rather frustrating to see people online who claim to be involved in BDSM yet have lives that are a complete mess.  Now, before everyone gets up in arms, I realize that we all can have temporary setbacks.  Health, work, and finances can be outside our control at times.  Anyone is susceptible to the proverbial curve ball that life throws at us.  These are not the situations that I am referring to.  Instead, I am focusing upon those who are a complete mess yet do nothing about it.  These are the individuals who believe getting involved in a BDSM relationship will fix what ails them.  It will not.  The problem with this approach is that they seek to take from the interaction as opposed to giving to it.  While it is healthy to lean on another when in a relationship in times of need, if one enters into a relationship completely needy, this causes the life to be sucked out of all interaction.  Anyone who was in this situation knows how burdensome it gets to carry another person.

Therefore, it is crucial that you seek to become the best person you can and this is done by approaching each situation daily with the mindset of "best".  This is how growth occurs.

Depth

Another aspect of BDSM that few concentrate upon is the idea of depth.  In my experience, because of the power dynamic, there is more depth to a BDSM relationship than in the common vanilla one.  Oftentimes we see, in the traditional world, a relationship made up of two individuals who's lives parallel each other but are not really together.  Of course, this is not all of them but a general observation.  BDSM relationships take on a different level.  Because one is dependent upon the other, depth is required.  Trust, communication, and effort take on a new meaning because of the dependency factor.

Which brings us to another problem: how many actively make themselves capable and worthy of operating at his level?   Again, few seem to focus upon this as an end.  Instead, their attention is upon filling holes within oneself by sucking in another person.  Some like to refer to this as "taking a hostage".  The point is that depth is not going to be achieved because of the simple fact a person of this ilk is incapable of anything deep.

I will give you an example.  BDSM, because of the nature of many of things we discuss, leads to openness.  Many are not confined by societal norms often straying into areas that are deemed extreme or gross (or whatever the adjective used).  The idea of structuring a relationship based upon inequality is taboo for most.  Yet it is a common occurrence within BDSM.  All this assists us in being open about what we want, desire, and like.  Again, we contrast this with the traditional world where many people are forced to hide their desires for fear of ridicule and persecution.

Now here is where things can get tricky.  To attain depth, open communication is required.  However, many fail at this because they allow fear to dictate their actions.  In some instances, this is warranted because the dominate, through his/her own fear, will not allow open, honest communication to occur.  Nevertheless, when fear is running the show, we can conclude that esteem issues are at play.  And, over the long term, this will destroy any chance of depth and, ultimately, the relationship.

Success in the BDSM world is an inside job.  Unless one is willing to invest the time in him or herself, the result will be nothing more than a vanilla relationship with a bit of kink added.  Of course, if this is all you are seeking, then have at it.  However, for most who intend to make this a lifestyle, there is a great deal more to it than that.  From this point forward it is helpful to think in terms of raising your standards in all that you do.  It is time those of us in this community focused upon being people of pride and success.  Contrary to popular opinion, BDSM is not about whips and chains but, rather, character and integrity.  Let us all be examples of this.

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4 comments:

Liz K on October 29, 2013 at 10:07 PM said...

Very interesting post until I became confused with IQ of 3.5? I am lost...I thought the quotient was scaled to the hundred...is the author referring to a GPA? Oh my....

Sassla Vixen on December 2, 2013 at 9:29 AM said...

I think you are over complicating it. BDSM, IMO isn't meant to be rigid, with rules and judgement regarding an individuals "integrity" or "depth". I agree, that those things apply when engaging in a total power exchange or something of that nature.
I like to think that BDSM is this great place where dark minded people- such as myself- can be our twisted selves, without being shunned or criticized.
It is supposed to be free from the requirement of "conforming" to a "social-norm" and by the way you're throwing around this heavy stuff about "character" and "integrity", shit, I might as well join the rest of the ranks in white collar america

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