January 8, 2013

Getting Rid of Baggage

Have you ever noticed a young child who walking along, especially a boy?  What about this individual that struck you?  Anyone who has watched young children in this manner will tell you they have a habit of picking things up and shoving them in their pockets.  There is so much that interests them which becomes important to take home with them.  Of course, as the journey progresses, the pockets reach a point where they are full.  This leaves our young lad with the choice of either replacing an older item with a new one or discarding the newer one as soon as it is picked up.  Of course, we laugh at this behavior but the truth is adults do the exact same thing.


The accumulation of stuff throughout life is called baggage.  For many, this might be physical items which have no purpose yet are hung onto for reasons beyond most comprehension.   We see this with those we lovingly refer to as pack rats.  Life becomes extremely difficult when it comes time to move.  All these things, of which great importance is given, need to be boxed up and physically moved.  Naturally, the new location requires enough room to house it all.  In short, it is a major hassle; one which mostly is unnecessary.

This practice is not just relegated to physical items.  People pick up a great deal of emotional/psychological baggage along the way too.  Similar to physical objects, here we see someone who hangs onto emotional situations as a security blanket.  Nothing is ever released.  The events of life, more accurately the pain, are continually paraded out in an effort to win approval in some way.  Victimization is a common resource that people like to tap into.  They are ready to toss out the event where they were screwed. 

Even if a person does not overtly model their trials and tribulations, there is a good chance the person will harbor them deep down.  In many instances, this person is more difficult to deal with since one is unaware of what exists within that person.  Pain is a difficult thing to deal with and does not tend to go away on its own.  Over time, it will subside, however, the imprint upon our psyche is there.  Those who do not proactively deal with their life situations (or the emotional ties to them) tend to relive them when facing another similar situation.

Hence, it is best for each of us to eliminate as much baggage as we can.


You might be wondering what all this has to do with BDSM.  As most of you are well aware, I repeatedly tell everyone that the essence of BDSM is a relationship.  This is a fundamental point that cannot be overlooked.  No matter what aspect of the lifestyle one chooses to look at, it ultimately comes down to two people (or more in a poly situation) interacting with each other.  This means that much of what we learned throughout the course of life in dealing with others comes into play.  Again, few seem to realize this, instead, opting to believe that the BDSM world is some magical place which is exempt from the laws of human nature.

So few seem to view the entrance into a relationship with the idea of "what can I bring to this".  Here we see those who talk about giving, in actuality, behaving as complete takers.  Their desire is not to enhance what the other person gets but to take what he or she can.  While this is not often a conscious decision, it is the behavior that many exemplify.

The need to be rescued is never a sound basis for entering into a relationship.  There are so many who suffer setbacks and go seeking for someone to who is able to fix things.  We see this in the areas of financial, children, and, even, a place to live.  It is amazing that a person decides he or she wants to be involved with someone and goes seeking while his or her life is in total chaos.  This is never a healthy thing to do.

***I will mention a sidenote here.  Things are different if you are already involved in a relationship with another person.  We all encounter issues in life.  For example, the loss of a job might lead to financial crisis.  When involved with someone, especially M/s, this is a situation that the other person can help address.  However, it is completely different if you are not in a relationship and approach someone when totally insolvent financially.

Being Responsible

I view BDSM as existing on a higher plane that the average lifestyle.  We use words such as honor, integrity, and courage.  This are ideas of which many of us are suppose to subscribe to.  They are not just words thrown together in a protocol list although I will admit that is how many treat them.  People are to adopt them as characteristics to implement into their lives.  Yet as no surprise, this is not done by the masses.

In my mind, we only need to look at the idea of responsibility to learn where people fall short.  This is a major problem within the BDSM community.  Few are willing to take responsibility for themselves and the what occurs in their lives.  On the contrary, people engage in the blame game as a means to divert attention away from the true nature of the malady.  I am often taken aback when I see this behavior out of people who are "Masters".  Here is an individual who is granted complete power yet he (she) does not own up to the responsibility that goes along with that power.  Certainly, here is a person who is failing to live to a higher standard.

The same is true for an individual who seeks a BDSM relationship as a means of rescuing.  A person of this nature is going to have a ton of baggage that was not dealt with.  Much like the physical stuff that is continually stuffed in the basement until there is no more room, an individual in this situation is just bursting at the seams with emotional and mental problems.  Fears, anger, insecurities, and other unhealthy traits are sure to emerge.  These characteristics will, over time, eat at the relationship until there is nothing left.  Resentment is often a main culprit since one is having to deal with things that he or she did not initially know existed.  Using the example of finances, there are many who find a Master who unwittingly becomes responsible for massive credit card debt.  Since this person was financially imprudent, most of her income goes to past debt which stifles the present household situation. 

We can say the same thing about some type of addiction.  Addicts do not like to be alone.  Since a low self worth is a common thread in people like this, receiving validation by the involvement (romantically/sexually) of another person a path often followed.  However, as most can imagine, interacting and dealing with a person in active addiction is more than most bargain for.  Nevertheless, the fact that the individual did not take care of this minor tidbit led to the bringing down of another person.  A lack of responsibility ultimately causes harm to another.

So this begs the question: how are you?  Are you someone who is on solid footing?  Before answering that, please do not misunderstand me by thinking that a person needs to be free from problems.  This is an unrealistic goal.  Everyone had problems; it is a part of life.  However, the question is what are you going to do about them?  People who are proactive and seek to solve their life situations, whether physical, financial, or emotional, are better adjusted for dealing with the responsibility of a relationship.  These are the types who put in the personal effort to better themselves on a regular basis.  Clearing away emotional garbage is not a one time thing.  It is something that a person needs to constantly monitor.  When one handles issues in other areas of life, that is a sign that possibly he or she does the same with emotional baggage.

Remember, BDSM and the path that one follows is an inside job.  The journey, especially to start, is within.


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Anonymous said...

i would just like to say that i have found many of Your blogs, ideas, thoughts to mirror that of my Masters... That is why i find them so interesting! :)

Dennis Najee on January 15, 2013 at 8:40 AM said...

I am glad you enjoy it and find my posts helpful. All success to your master and yourself.

Anonymous said...

I will say Sir, Reading your blogs have helped me understand so much. And yet I still hold many questions. I am a Slave, I have a Master who I have never met and still have held on to him dearly. I have destroyed my life for this man.. Yet he won't go as far as doing anything for me, I feel like he make's me suffer. I would really love to have a chat with you about some things.. Please

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