Abuse 102

 I wrote the other day how BDSM is a lifestyle that is based upon consent.  This is a crucial part of our foundation and ignoring it is what transcends one from BDSM participant to abuser.  Simply put, there is no reason to cross the line by forcing anyone to do anything which is not consensual

Rape

Rape is something that we are all taught about growing up.  We are shown how it is wrong to violate another person in this manner.  While many believe that rape is a sexual act, it is not.  Rape is an act of violence.  And the motive is not sexual as much as it is about power.  This is an act with the sole intent of taking control over another person.  There is a power separation between the rapist and the victim.  Obviously, just to state the obvious, this is a non-consensual act.

Being an act about power, it is interesting how this interacts in the BDSM world; one which intentionally establishes interactions based upon non-parity of power.  Many in the BDSM world seem to think that a submissive is to consent to anyone who claims to be dominant.  While I will agree that matters of respect could be important, it is foolish to believe that one is going to submit to all who are dominant.  That is as ridiculous as someone who is married being married to everyone.  It makes no sense.

Therefore, when a submissive (female in this example), puts herself in a situation where she is at risk of being violated, it is fully within her right to say "no".  And, a dominant is responsible for acknowledging and adhering to this desire.  Simply because one agrees to a scene that does not mean she agrees to being penetrated.  Imprint this point on your mind.  Non-consensual penetration is rape no matter what the circumstances.

Respect

Respect is a two-way street.  It is ironic to see dominants demand respect from submissives yet do not behave according themselves.  To start, it is another asinine idea to believe that one can demand respect.  Respect is earned.  (Also imprint this idea in your feeble minds).  Simply claiming to be dominant does not mean that you are worthy of respect.  An asshole is still an asshole, dominant or not. 

Part of the problem is that too many dominant pretenders think that submissives are beneath them and that, somehow, they are better than the submissives.  Wrong.  One is not better than the other; they are different.  It is like two sides are needed to complete a coin.  Is heads better than tails?  No.  They simply are two halves of the whole.  Dominants and submissives follow this same pattern.  If you do not believe me, try to dominate without a submissive.  It is not possible. 

This fallacy of a mindset bleeds over into the interaction with submissive types especially in public play sessions.  Most women who put themselves in this position were non-consensually groped, fingered, and even penetrated.  They agreed to be tied up and engage in impact play yet the other person in the scene, or others around, decided to take it a bit further.  Now let me ask you, do you think because a woman agrees to be tied up and whipped, that she is automatically agreeing to you, a stranger, walking by and fingering her?  Or, if you are involved in a scene, and the terms were agreed to not have sex, what makes you think it is your place to pull our your member and stick it in her?  At what level do you think this is respectful?  All of this is abuse no matter who anyone tries to frame it.

There truth is there are too many who believe it is their right to cross the line and enter into the abuse phase.  They use BDSM as a guise to behave in predatory ways which are easily distinguished in the traditional realm.  However, there is so much misinformation out there that people are unable to distinguish this within the BDSM community.  Of course, it is also the responsibility of the community to pass along the proper message.  Rape, no matter what the circumstances, is still rape.

DN

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So You Want To Be Treated Like A Dog?

I know many of you will think this an odd title for a blog post. However, I want to make a point about the different aspects of BDSM and how it all can fit together. We need to be clear that there are many ways to approach the lifestyle and there is not a cookie cutter method. Also, a lack of tolerance, something that most of us proclaim does not exist in the traditional world, is ever present in BDSM.

One Size Does Not Fit All

BDSM is a wide and varied lifestyle.  We have many who operate at the moderate end of the spectrum while others prefer to live more extreme.  Contained within are also numberous fetishes, some of which are far removed from mainstream.  Basically, no matter what someone's preference, there will be someone else who likes that identical thing.  Unlike the traditional (or vanilla) world where one is an outcast and often a loner in his/her desires, in BDSM, that person will find people to share the experiences with.  It is only a matter of putting in the time and dedication to uncover those people.

Often people come to me and ask me how to go about getting involved in BDSM.  I have to laugh because that is like asking how to get married.  Certainly, there is a common method or approach, but that does not mean it will work in every instance.  Just consider the ways that people go about and meet their boyfriend/girlfriend.  There is online dating.  Chance meetings in the supermarket.  Friends set people up all the time.  Work is a place that many people happen upon a date.  The point is there is not one particular method that is utilized.

At the same time, marriages are varied.  Again, most opt for a "normal" structure but there are those who stray from what is common.  There are those who prefer open marriages.  In some societies, more than one marriage is acceptable.  Some marriages lead to procreation and the raising of children while others do not.  Many have intense sexual relations whereas some fit into the "Dead fish" category.

BDSM is the same way.  There is no "one size fits all" method.  As mentioned, it is a varied lifestyle, therefore, it is made up of people who are also just as complex.  People like different things and BDSM offers whatever is chosen up.  So, if you want to be treated and live as a dog, that is possible.  At the same time, so is living as a furry, in tpe, utilizing some light bondage to enhance your sex life, or in a world of latex.  It is up to each individual to determine where his or her desired exist and follow that path.

Intolerance

It is sad to say that many, if not most, in the BDSM world are just as intolerant as those people in the traditional realm.  We see just as much judging and degrading (not the erotic kind either) as anywhere else.  While I will admit that people can have wrong ideas in the areas of terminology and some of the concepts, when it comes to desires, that is a personal choice.  And just because it is not to one person's liking, that does not mean that someone else should not pursue it.  BDSM gives on the freedom to live as he or she sees fit.  The people involved in the lifestyle ought to have the same outlook.

A prime example that comes to mind are those people who seek out BDSM only as a means of enhancing their sex lives.  Many who are of this ilk are enticed by the idea of some bondage and, perhaps, light spanking.  To them, BDSM is nothing more than a sex aid.  Of course, this gets many who are "true lifestyle people" up in arms.  They take the approach that these are somehow degrading the lifestyle by not taking it seriously.  This is a prime example of the intolerance that exists.

We see this in many facets of this world.  Slaves are intolerant of the behavior of slave and vice versa.  Domestic slaves are looked down upon simply because they do not provide full service.  We can say the same thing about those who want to be sex slaves (although if they really thought about what a true sex slave is around the world, it is something they would not opt for).  As I said, certain fetishes and, thus, those interested are put down because they are weird or gross.  Whatever someone's desire is, there is someone else ready to degrade that choice or approach.

Personally, I do not really care what people are into.  It is their lives.  I see a lot with all kinds of misinformation about BDSM and do my best to convey the proper ideas.  However, there are many aspects of this lifestyle that I do not care for nor participate in.  That being said, I try not to attack people for their choices.  One reason is because I found throughout the years that my interests do change.  Just because I am not into something today does not mean that next year it will not hold my attention.  I witnessed this with many new people who immediately shut off an idea such as pain only to end up as a total pain lovers.  Of course, there are many things which I find gross and opt not to be a part of.  Nevertheless, those that like that sort of thing are entitled to their fetish.

Therefore, no matter what you desire, go for it.  As long as it is safe and consensual, if it fills a need within you, then partake in that activity.  It is up to you to determine how you want to live your life.  Other people will always have their opinions yet that is true no matter where you go.  And, if you are one in the BDSM community, try to be more accepting of other people's BDSM choices.  Remember, not everyone is going to live the life like you do.  We are each individuals.

DN

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Abuse 101

I decided to dedicate the next few posts to the subject of abuse.  This is something that is moving to the forefront with a few cases which gained widespread exposure.  Also, BDSM is getting more publicity with the success of 50 Shades and other books which hit the mainstream.  The problem with this is that an entirely new class of people are arriving, many who have absolutely no idea what BDSM is all about.  And, in my view, opens up the door to abuse.

Consent

Any discussion of abuse starts out with the fundamental premise that this lifestyle is based upon consent.  This is something that all need to remember at all times.  Without consent, one is crossing the line into abuse.  It is that simple.  An abuser is one who has a position of power and uses that to an ill-suited end.  While the abuser might be happy with the outcome, the other person is left being in the position of victim.

A person is not victimized simply because he or she is submissive.  Ceding control over to another is a choice that one makes within the lifestyle.  It is a conscious choice.  However, we know there are many times when control is taken.  Again, here we enter into the realm of abuse.  Victims of rape or sexual abuse found themselves in this position.  They were not given a choice in the matter and the power, over the body, was taken by another.  The desires of another were forced into the situation without concerns for the victim's intentions.

Consensual Non-Consent

Another area that will certainly confuse many is the idea of consensual non-consent.  This is basically where the person's is consenting to be forced to adhere to the wishes.  While this will appear to be abuse to many outsiders, it is a logical progression within this way of life.  Let me explain.

Consensual non-consent normally takes place within the confines of a relationship.  This is far different from a scene or a "play based" activities.  It also exists are the more extreme end of the lifestyle where people opt for a structure based upon a total exchange of power.  The entry into that situation is consensual, hence the person opts for it.  However, the day-to-day interactions are established upon the foundation of no choice.  All power resides in the hands of one party.  Of course, it is up to that person not to move the scenario into the stage of abuse by being responsible.  With control comes responsibility; a point many seem to miss.

A crucial factor in this arrangement is the idea of safety.  Anyone who is given that much power needs to focus on proceeding safely at all times.  This not only includes physical safety, but also mental, emotional, psychological, and anything else which could cause undue harm.  Therefore, activities which threaten the freedom of another, i.e. illegal, are to be avoided since they have consequences.  While a Master could tell his/her slave to sell crack, that is an abuse of power.  Engaging in something like that will most likely have adverse effects on the slave's life.

These are just a few of the ideas we will touch upon over the next few articles.  I am a bit proponent of safety first and there seems like no better time than now to cover it.

DN

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Dedication To The Lifestyle

This is a topic I discussed in the past but feel it worthy to revisit it since i feel it is imperative for people to understand.  Sadly, this seems like a topic that is overlooked in the BDSM community.  This results in a great deal of harm long  term for people.

A Way of Life

We are all aware that BDSM is a way of life.  It is also one that is consciously chosen.  The traditional way of life is forced upon everyone since this is how we are raised.  What is the social norm is taught in the home for the most part.  In the Western cultures, marriage and monogamy are the chosen paths.  People are taught that a relationship is between a man and woman who make the lifelong commitment to each other.  We all know where this concept comes from so I will not go into it here.  The point is that following this path requires no decision.  People who enter this way of life do it unconsciously.  The dogma of "normal" is indoctrinated.  Anything that falls outside this norm is termed "abnormal".

The problem is that many people do fall outside the bounds of what society said should be followed.  For example, there are many people who are homosexual as opposed to heterosexual.  These people do not fit into the ideal of a man and a woman in marriage.  There are also those who are poly or pansexual.  We also see many who prefer the single life.  The point is that many do not fit nicely into the package that society presents.

As you can imagine, the pressure that a person feels to conform is great.  There was a story a couple years ago about a Governor of a state (I believe that was his position) who was married with children only to get busted having an affair...with a man.  He was a homosexual who denied this vital part of himself.  And why do you think he did that?  Because being a homosexual did not fit into the societal norm which he was presented.  It was only after the urge was too powerful was that he succumbed to what he is.  His "way of life" could not be denied.  Unfortunately, many were hurt by this delayed decisions.  How much better would things turn out if he was able to accept who he was decades earlier?  A lot of pain could have been avoided.

People who enter into BDSM can identify what is being discussed here.  Most of us felt out of play with the "normies".  Of course, we were obedient programmed beings and followed the path of normalcy.  Ultimately, our results were no better than what was mentioned.  We ended up unfulfilled even if in loving relationships.  Equal power marriages, something we were told is the answer, only left us longing.  Divorce or multiple ones ensued.  This started our search for something different.  Upon finding BDSM, we knew we had struck gold.  This was the answer.

Commitment to the Lifestyle

People understand the idea of living an "alternative" life.  However, what gets me is the approach they take to it.  BDSM is a world where we see many enter and exit.  I guess this is natural and might be present in other non-mainstream paths.  The initial attraction strikes a core with people but after the luster wears off, the realize that there is still life to deal with.  Hence the word LIFEstyle.  I feel many come to BDSM seeking an escape which is a failing method since we cannot forgo life.  This leaves many with great disappointment.

Another factor in the exiting is the fact that people depend upon other people for their lifestyle choice.  This is evidence by the "tire kicker".  This is a person who decides to try BDSM by getting involved with another person.  We see many get into a relationship very quickly only to find that it ends almost as fast.  The problem with this approach is the dependency upon the other person to determine one's commitment to a path.   He or she is the one who will ultimately decide the direction a person's life takes.  Our newcomer does not realize that before one can commit to another, he or she must first commit to the lifestyle.  It is a fundamental concept that few acknowledge.

Getting back to the homosexual, do you think one would have a great chance of finding fulfillment in life if his or her sexual choice was dependent upon the first involvement?  Can you imagine the success rate following this concept?  We all know that most first experiences, not matter what the lifestyle, ends up in breakup.  Few married their first boyfriend or girlfriend.  High school sweethearts tend to drift apart once going to college.  The same holds true for alternative ways of living.  What would happen if everyone who had their first relationship fail turned their back on heterosexual relationships?  I surmise that few weddings would ever occur.  Well, we see this same concept applies to BDSM.  Just like a homosexual does not suddenly go straight if his or her first relationship goes bad, nor should someone in BDSM suddenly leave because things did not work out.  It shows a lack of forethought on the part of the individual.

Committing to the lifestyle means one has searched within oneself what the path to fulfillment is.  For the homosexual, it obviously is being with one of the same sex.  While there might be pitfalls in life and relationships, this person is "dedicated" to being a homosexual.  Same with the heterosexual and vanilla world.  People will suffer setbacks in their relationships yet they do not abandon what is right for them.  People who crave a relationship structure that is built upon inequality need to understand how strong that need is.  To deny that fact just because the first interaction did not work is tragic.  Yet so many create this fate for themselves.

I always suggest to people to uncover what is within you before moving forward with a relationship.  Educating oneself is a wonderful way to start the process.  So is sharing with others who are in the lifestyle longer.  However, the ultimate knowledge vehicle will be the internal search each undergoes.  There are the answers for all of us.  And this is a source which does not end. Just because one has 5 or 10 years (or whatever) in the lifestyle, that does not mean that knowledge can not be gained.  We are constantly evolving people.  Use each interaction as a basis for growth.  Committing to the lifestyle will help one to learn from the first few relationships while not turning one away.  Tragically, this is not the common path.

 DN  

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Honeymoon Period

This is something that everyone is familiar with.  We see it all the time in the vanilla world.  In fact, most of us were guilty of it ourselves or felt it from someone close to us.  What is it?  The dreaded honeymoon period.  This phase of nirvana has lifted more spirits only to see them crashing down.  While natural it is also something to be mindful of.

New Things

Each of us is conditioned to like new things.  This is evidenced by the excitement of youth on Christmas Day.  The countdown begins somewhere around the beginning of December and the anticipation grows the nearer the day draws.  "What am I getting" is the question on the child's mind.  Naturally, when the day arrives, if one is blessed with many gifts, happiness ensues for at least the next 3 to 4 weeks.

While many will scoff at this idea as one of the characteristics of youth, consider how someone behaves when he or she gets a new car.  Driving off the lot is one of the happiest moments.  That new car smell penetrates our senses bringing us to another level.  Like the child on at Christmas all is well.  Our grown up child is going to show all his or her new prize and be the envy of the neighborhood.  Again, like the child, it state last for only a short period of time before wearing off.  Then, instead of a new car, this person is simply stuck with a car payment.

The point is we like new things.  When something is new it is exciting.  It takes us to another level emotionally.  However, everything we have now that is old was once new.  Life is an exercise in maintaining that balance between old and new.  Too much old and life becomes mundane.  Needing everything to consistently be new will often put us in the poor house.  Keep this in mind as we go further.

Relationships and Lifestyle

You are probably asking what does any of this have to do with BDSM?  The idea of old versus new seems not to apply on the surface.  However, when you travel around the Internet, because it is easy to see, you witness this concept in action all the time.  And, often, it is wrought with a great deal of peril.

To start, many enter into a state of nirvana when they start a new relationship.  Again, this is not exclusive to BDSM and is most likely a natural stage to go through.  We did not invent the term "honeymoon period" hence the proof that is existed for a long while.  This stage is just that: a stage.  It is temporary.  Eventually it wears off.  The "newness" of the relationship which was exciting ceases to exist.  Thus, our participants are brought back to reality.  Relationships require work.  We all know that.  However, many seem to believe that a BDSM relationship somehow defies this law of interpersonal activities.  It does not.  After the initial thrust of excitement, a relationship needs to be built upon a sound foundation to survive.

Another area where we see the "honeymoon" concept is when someone first finds this way of life.  We all know the excitement that goes along with finally fitting in somewhere.  Many of us endured great pressure operating in the vanilla lifestyle because of that inner urge for something different.  While it might not have been evident at that time, most of us sensed we belonged elsewhere.  Upon finding the BDSM community, we are relieved to encounter people who understand.  Suddenly, we are not only and have others who can support us.  This is very uplifting.

Nevertheless, prudence is often required, yet rarely exhibited, at this point.  Many will go off the deep end (as they say) with enthusiasm.  After finally fitting in, our new person wants to get into a relationship immediately.  In many instances this is accomplished.  And, it is at this point where we see posts telling us how wonderful this Master (or slave) is and the perfection this person possesses.  Those in the lifestyle more than 6 months will know exactly how misguided this outlook it.  While enthusiasm is a sensational thing in life, one needs to understand the limitations in his or her outlook.

Basically, this person is being hit with a double dose of honeymoonitis.  The fact that he or she just found the lifestyle is enough to send anyone flying head over heels.  However, this person tends to compound the situation by becoming involved with a Master (dom/sub/slave).  Excitement is rapidly increased because nirvana has set in of finally being with someone who is in the ideal lifestyle for him or her.  Life could not be better and a lifelong commitment is made after 3 days (at least in the new person's mind).  Of course, we know how hard this person is going to crash when the realization that everything is not how he or she envisioned.

The honeymoon ends as it always does and in this instance, usually bad.  Since our newbie is struck with a double dose of nirvana, the popping of the balloon is doubly difficult.  Not only is the other person not the ideal God(dess) that he or she envisioned, but the results are the same as the vanilla world: disappointment and pain.  Therefore, this lifestyle must be a farce since it did not deliver the results promised.

Rational people, even if afflicted by this, will come to understand how irrational this thinking is and move beyond it.  While many decide to "leave" the lifestyle, the majority, if rightly suited for it to begin with, stick with it.  Every experience is a lesson.  Over time, one comes to understand that the nirvana was nothing more than a case of "puppy love" that is atypical of most 16 year olds.  Finding the first interpersonal interaction of this magnitude is overwhelming.  The world will center on the other person.  Naturally, there comes a day when this ceases to be the case.  Mature people realize the world is not ending and take steps to move past it.

Be mindful of the honeymoon period.  While it can feel good in the moment, understand it is just a temporary phase.  The sooner one looks past it to see the true nature of things, the better.

DN

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Control One's Emotions

 Over the years I wrote a great deal about emotional control.  This is a topic which applies equally for those who are dominant as for the submissive ones.  It is also something that I feel is paramount in any type of interaction and one of the main reasons why people fail.  Those who lack emotional control tend not to do well.

Grow Up

At a certain point in our lives, we are suppose to grow up.  Childish behavior is reserved for children.  Hence the term is called childish and not adultish behavior.  One who throws a fit in the sandbox is understood because of his/her emotional development.  However, when that activity is undertaken by a grown-up, issues arise.

The truth is there is a lot that occurs in the world which we do not like.  Regular readers of this blog know that the BDSM world is nothing more than a microcosm of life itself.  Joining the BDSM lifestyle does not entitle one to leave the mainstream of life.  We still have all the same problems that existed before we joined this way of life.  Family, relationship, financial, economic, and medical are a few of the areas where we face problems on a regular basis.  Being a participant in a BDSM relationship, as an example, does not exempt one from these things.

When these situations do arise, there is a proper way to handle things and an improper way.  Approaching any problem from an emotional standpoint is rarely a good idea.  Those who tend to lose it emotionally are not able to take sensible action.  Instead of looking at the circumstances, processing the information, and determining the proper course of action, our manchild (or womanchild) simply reacts.  This is no different than the child in the sandbox.

Contempt Prior To Investigation

This is one of my favorite sayings. People, not only in the BDSM arena, are quick to draw conclusions based upon their viewpoints.  It is rare where a person will fully investigate matters to see what the true circumstances are.  Instead, they take their viewpoint as factual and run with it.  This, sprinkled with a whole lot of emotion, creates a situation where one is doing nothing more than lashing out.  Of course, we often find that our view did not entail all the facts and then we are confronted with either holding our (misguided) opinion or backtracking.  Either way, if we would take a step back and let all the facts emerge, things would end a lot different.

The online world is full of examples of this.  One of the great things about the Internet is that anyone with a keyboard and an email address can join a forum and have a voice.  This is also one of the biggest drawbacks to the Internet.  People are not screened for maturity, intention, or ethical makeup.  Anyone who has visited a few of the more well known BDSM sites understands exactly what I am talking about.  The pretenders range from complete trollers to felons and everywhere in between.  Even those who get involved in legitimate interactions are apt to find things going awry for unknown reasons.  And this is where the contempt comes in.

People disappear all the time in the online world.  There are a variety of reasons for it.  However, most people take it personally when someone he or she was interacting with just vanishes.  Certainly, depending upon the depth of the relationship (interaction), this could be a valid view.  Nevertheless, simply jumping to a conclusion without all the facts is dangerous.  Ultimately, one could find out what he or she was thinking is not what really happened.  For instance, if you are dealing with someone in the NYC area at the present moment, or the surrounding areas, that person might not be able to get online these days.  While the damage in that part of the world is a well known fact, the point I am making is there are often valid reasons for things occurring and your viewpoint might not be correct.

Miscommunication is a fundamental flaw in most unsuccessful interactions.  We need to remember this before we simply react to what we perceive to be true.  Anyone who has used any of the technologies like social media realize how easy it is for things to be misinterpreted. It is often best to control oneself until the other person makes it abundantly clear what he or she meant.  Certainly there is every chance you are correct and can blow your top when that is revealed.  However, there is also an equal chance that perhaps you are missing a few of the facts.  Either way, emotionally strong people are able to withstand operating in the stimulus-response mode.  Contempt prior to investigation is a sure sign of a lack of emotional control.

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Dominating All Around You

Most of my posts are aimed at the submissive people in the lifestyle.  However, today, I am going to concentrate upon the dominant aspect of things.  While much of this will refer to the dominants, it is helpful for a submissive to ponder the ideas when seeking out another.  One who has the ability to apply these concepts might well be worth one's time.

  A Character Trait

Domination is not something that a person does.  Instead, it is a character trait that is deep within him or her.  Certainly this will manifest itself in action but it is imperative to realize this idea.  Like any other trait that is coded within us at the physiological level, it is not turned on or off.  No matter what is being undertaken, domination is always a part of this person.

Before moving along, we must take a look at the flip side.  Many people, especially online, feel that since one is dominant, that he or she (usually he in this instance) will be dominant in everything.  Well, life mandates this incorrect.  Anyone who professes to be this way is out of touch with reality and falls into the class of what I term a "pretender".  Everyone submits depending upon the situation.

If you are one who doubts this, let me offer up a few examples.  In the workplace, who is running the show?  Typically, the owner of the company.  It is his/her money do the right to call the shots goes along with this.  Part of the process is usually hiring managers who are entrusted with the authority to make certain decisions.  In their own realm, these people are the ones who have the control.  Now, depending upon where you fall on that scale, unless you are the owner, you have someone to answer to.  Enter into the workplace with your dominant self and tell the owner how you are in control.  I would imagine a pink slip would soon follow.

Another situation that many can identify with is the legal system.  This is an arena where the power structure is built into the physical surroundings.  Enter into a courtroom and you see who is in charge.  That person is termed "Your Honor" and sits above anyone else.  In that realm, the power resides with one person which does not happen to be you.  However, if you feel the need to test it, go head to head with the judge in a power struggle.  Contempt is a term they devised which describes this situation.  Submission is usually the preferred course of action in this setting.

Surroundings

Now that we established that it is impossible to be dominant in every situation, let us consider how one applies this characteristic in life.  As mentioned, domination is a trait that is resident within a person.   The way this emerges is through the actions one takes.  However, it is interesting to witness how applicable, or not, this really is.

Many seem to claim to be dominant and exemplify that when they enter into a relationship.  These individuals will lead you to believe that they are perfectly at home when ordering someone around.  Actually, this might be a truthful statement.  Being bossy is something these types can excel at.  Yet, this is not domination.  There is a lot more to being a success Dom/Master than just issuing orders.  Those who fail to realize this are not long for this lifestyle.

I often tell people to look at how one lives his or her life to determine exactly the level of domination this person has.  As you can guess, one who is truly dominant will have physical examples of this.  I often state that before one can control another, he must first control himself.  Seek out those areas which will under a lack of control on that person's part.  If you find this to be the case, you might want to reconsider your interaction with this person.

As a dominant person, I strive to take control over all areas of my life.  Physically I put the time in to create the best body I can.  Part of this quest is to remove the vices from my life that are harmful to my physically.  While I like cake just as much as the next person, I realize how counterproductive it is for me to put that in my mouth.  Financially is another area that I feel is crucial.  Through the gaining of knowledge, I developed different ways to enhance my income.  While the quest is not over, I am able to weather certain financial setbacks better than many because I do not overspend nor put myself in debt with things such as car payments and credit cards.  Finally, I monitor my emotional state.  Again, I will admit that I am not perfect, being apt to fall into a funk like everyone else.  However, overall, I try to determine my emotional state by being conscious of what I focus upon and how I process the events in my life.  Fear is something that can wreak havoc with one emotionally and learning to deal with this is paramount to growth (for those who want to claim they are never scared, the truth is every human experiences fear).

These are just a few of the areas that I seek to control.  A true dominant will exert that influence wherever he or she is able while understanding there are certain times where a subservient approach is the best (see Your Honor above).  Domination is not something that is done once in a while but in every action.  And, for those who really understand, life is nothing more than a series of actions.  Thus, there are times where the most dominating thing I can do is to excel at doing the dishes or whatever chore is in front of me.  Mastery over the minor activities in life will lead to mastery at higher levels.  This is the level to focus your attention upon. 

DH

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