April 25, 2011

A Submissive's Self Esteem

On my social website, I wrote a post the other day about submissive types who feel the need to post on their profiles that they are not a 'doormat'. The point of the post is that those who understand the lifestyle do not equate submissiveness with weakness. In fact, those that are weak really do not belong in the BDSM arena. It takes strength to live this life.


To start, those who are weak tend to come from a place of desperation. What this means is the person who is entering the lifestyle has two strikes against him or her. In my experience, most will fall prey to those who are ill-intentioned. The desperation causes one to accept things someone with a higher esteem would not.

Again I say, submission is not a sign of weakness. Those who believe that submissive people are meant to be preyed upon really do not understand the strength that is required to live this lifestyle. Instead, they hop from site to site trolling for anyone naive enough to think they are worth more than a laugh.

How does the situation change when one has a healthy self-esteem. From the onset, a person of this ilk will not find herself submitting to someone who is nothing more than an ass disguised as a Dom/Master. Those who are desperate often exhibit the tendency to submit to anyone who will pay attention. I am firmly convinced many would submit to a tree if given the opportunity. Their lives are that empty and unsuccessful.

Also, one who is not desperate will be willing to wait. Patience is not something the needy have. Instead, they jump at the first person and want to go from hello to moving in. We see this all the time from our wonderful online submissives who tell us they are moving in with Master (that they only met online three weeks ago). Would a healthy person do this? I think not.

Value In Service

I found those who lack a good self-esteem are of little worth to me. People who fall into the category tend to be childish in their outlook. They believe that being a slave is about being taken care of. Their 'service' is a guise for their real motivation: they want someone to provide for them. While I acknowledge that a true Master looks after and is willing to offer all a slave needs, when one is lacking self worth, the ability to perform is diminished.

Those with standards need to realize that there are many who are quite frankly beneath them. I state this as a matter of practicality. There majority of people I encounter, especially online, are neurotic. I will caveat here to mention that this idea applies equally to our so called 'dominants' as it does those on the submissive side. I find there is a lack of appreciable skills available. As a Master, I am not seeking someone to babysit. However, this is what is required.

Also, when dealing with someone with absolutely no esteem, the ability to teach and grow is diminished. One who is coming from this perspective requires a great deal of effort in just the common sense approaches to life. While past abuse certainly can play a part in all this, the truth is that a Master is often taking on more than he can handle in this scenario. People of this nature ought to get the proper treatment from the psychological profession before moving into this realm.

People who want to serve are to be appreciated and respected. I believe that one's submission is a natural tendency that one uncovers. Because of this, one should not be degraded or put down simply because of their natural makeup. Those who feel that the submissive side of the equation is the 'weaker' one are sadly mistaken. Living a life of service goes against every teaching of our society. We are trained to strive for power and achievement. Working our way up the corporate ladder is the common mindset. Those who are employed in the service sector are looked down upon and treated miserably. This conception is firmly implanted in all that enter into this lifestyle. Yet, many proceed forward because of the value they can offer through their service.

A Job From Within

Self-esteem is an inner job. People who are weak tend to blame others for their plight in life. The fact is that we all choose our own paths. If one is of adult age, all decisions are yours. The responsibility of your life rests firmly on your shoulders. Even though we have ideas placed within us, we are the ones who determine whether they remain or not.

Those who look to a Master, husband, boyfriend, or anyone else for their esteem will quickly realize that they will never have any. It is not what you do that mandates your level of esteem but how you feel about yourself. Self-esteem translates into strength. Yet so few have it because they cede this power to everyone else.

The truth is that what others think of you is of little importance. In fact, in most instances, it is none of your business. Sure we want our children to respect and admire us....something that rarely happens. Our spouses love us but most often we want them fawning all over us. Our employers need to show continual appreciation for the wonderful work we do or else we are nervous about our worth. And on and on it goes.

Ultimately, the seeking of worth from outside becomes addictive. Like a drug, there is never enough. Those who live according to the appreciation of others will never find peace and contentment since they are always concerned about the viewpoint of others. A 'congratulation' today turns into 'why doesn't he appreciate me anymore' tomorrow. Those seeking the continual admiration and recognition of others are the weakest members of our society. If this is a person seeking a life in the BDSM world, they are in for a tough haul. These are the ones we see continually taken advantage of by the pretenders.

Resign yourself not to be one of these people. Start the process of working on your own self-esteem by looking in the mirror and liking who you are. If there are some things about yourself you dislike, then work on changing them. But, understand that your worth as a submissive is directly tied to how you view yourself. If you are one who feels you are worthless, then you will be. Get ready to be abused because that is the path you are choosing to follow.

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Jaeleen on April 26, 2011 at 10:21 PM said...

Excellent post!

Anonymous said...

Excellent post. I agree with every word.

Kings~kitten said...

Well written article, you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for sharing.

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