Domination: What the hell are you waiting for?

I often write that before one can be a Master to someone else, he must first have mastery over himself. This is a logical point yet one that most seem to miss. It is evident when you look at the individuals running around proclaiming to be 'Masters'.

Mastery=Excellence

What does it mean to master something? In short, the idea that comes to mind for me is excellence. One who is a master has the ability to excel at that particular craft. We often see this word applied to a skilled position such as carpentry. When one reaches a particular level in that field, he or she is known as a 'Master Carpenter'. This is a title worthy of respect because it is based upon excellence.

Of course, and this is where we see the difference in the BDSM world, it takes a lot of time to become a Master in a field such as this. One does not pick up a hammer and state 'I am a Master Carpenter'. One would be laughed out of the industry if he did. The truth is it takes hard work, persistent dedication, and a great deal of learning to accomplish this. Master is equated with excellence.

Slugs

Now we look at the BDSM world. How does this differ from the craft positions I just mentioned? The answer is simply summed up in two words: self proclamation. Most believe that they are Master if they just announce themselves so. No learning or experience is required. Instead, since they believe they have an inborn dominant streak, they feel worthy of this title. And, as we see on different websites populated with these lost beings, they demand respect from anyone who crosses their path.

The truth is that most people are nothing more than slugs. This applies to society at large but I will isolate it to just the BDSM world. Weakness is the common trait among the masses. We see this in how people lead their everyday lives. Nothing they do is respectable. In many ways, they provide little in any manner. Instead, we see them act like vultures sponging off everyone they can.

Domination is a lot more than just issuing orders. Any fool can do that. Those who truly understand this concept know that it is taking life situations and contouring them to your outcome. Those who dominate have the ability to forge ahead and create the results he or she desires. Unlike our online friends who want to tell us all that is excellent about them, a true Master is focused upon action. The world is based upon results and that is what people follow.

What The Hell Are You Waiting For?

It is sad to see this idea lost on so many. While we can easy discount the 'kiddie doms' who are playing their online games, I find that this concept applies to many who are around the lifestyle for a long time. It seems that they lost their way when it comes to the domination that is naturally within them.

Procrastination is a trait that most of us suffer from. There is not a person walking the planet who is not apt to succumb to this tendency at least once in a while. Yet, one who proclaims himself to be a Master should be able to control this within himself. As mentioned, before you can dominate someone else, you best get dominion over yourself. Eliminating procrastination is one major avenue you have to pursue.

What the hell are you waiting for? I hear so many who mention they need to lost 30 pounds yet are doing nothing about it. Their career is trashed but they refuse to leave the comfort of their job to seek something better. They talk about starting a new hobby or taking a trip without ever doing anything about it. Once again, we see a lot of talk which overwhelms the amount of action taken. Here, our experienced Master is acting exactly like the 'kiddie doms'.

I find this phenomenon interesting considering the fact that most Masters expect their slaves to act instantly. You will rarely find a Master is who tolerant of procrastination in a slave yet he will overlook it within himself all day long. Once again we easily see the hypocrisy in this mindset.

Domination is all about action. If one wants another to follow, he damn well better be ready to lead. Issuing orders may seem like domination but it really only makes one look like an ass. Those who are true leaders have others follow because of the action that is taken. Leaders do not sit back and wait for life to cater to their needs. Instead, they change the situations around them to create the results desired. Excellence comes from being active, not passive.

So, whatever is on your list, get off you butt and do it. There is no reason to wait any longer.

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A Submissive's Self Esteem

On my social website, I wrote a post the other day about submissive types who feel the need to post on their profiles that they are not a 'doormat'. The point of the post is that those who understand the lifestyle do not equate submissiveness with weakness. In fact, those that are weak really do not belong in the BDSM arena. It takes strength to live this life.

Desperation

To start, those who are weak tend to come from a place of desperation. What this means is the person who is entering the lifestyle has two strikes against him or her. In my experience, most will fall prey to those who are ill-intentioned. The desperation causes one to accept things someone with a higher esteem would not.

Again I say, submission is not a sign of weakness. Those who believe that submissive people are meant to be preyed upon really do not understand the strength that is required to live this lifestyle. Instead, they hop from site to site trolling for anyone naive enough to think they are worth more than a laugh.

How does the situation change when one has a healthy self-esteem. From the onset, a person of this ilk will not find herself submitting to someone who is nothing more than an ass disguised as a Dom/Master. Those who are desperate often exhibit the tendency to submit to anyone who will pay attention. I am firmly convinced many would submit to a tree if given the opportunity. Their lives are that empty and unsuccessful.

Also, one who is not desperate will be willing to wait. Patience is not something the needy have. Instead, they jump at the first person and want to go from hello to moving in. We see this all the time from our wonderful online submissives who tell us they are moving in with Master (that they only met online three weeks ago). Would a healthy person do this? I think not.

Value In Service

I found those who lack a good self-esteem are of little worth to me. People who fall into the category tend to be childish in their outlook. They believe that being a slave is about being taken care of. Their 'service' is a guise for their real motivation: they want someone to provide for them. While I acknowledge that a true Master looks after and is willing to offer all a slave needs, when one is lacking self worth, the ability to perform is diminished.

Those with standards need to realize that there are many who are quite frankly beneath them. I state this as a matter of practicality. There majority of people I encounter, especially online, are neurotic. I will caveat here to mention that this idea applies equally to our so called 'dominants' as it does those on the submissive side. I find there is a lack of appreciable skills available. As a Master, I am not seeking someone to babysit. However, this is what is required.

Also, when dealing with someone with absolutely no esteem, the ability to teach and grow is diminished. One who is coming from this perspective requires a great deal of effort in just the common sense approaches to life. While past abuse certainly can play a part in all this, the truth is that a Master is often taking on more than he can handle in this scenario. People of this nature ought to get the proper treatment from the psychological profession before moving into this realm.

People who want to serve are to be appreciated and respected. I believe that one's submission is a natural tendency that one uncovers. Because of this, one should not be degraded or put down simply because of their natural makeup. Those who feel that the submissive side of the equation is the 'weaker' one are sadly mistaken. Living a life of service goes against every teaching of our society. We are trained to strive for power and achievement. Working our way up the corporate ladder is the common mindset. Those who are employed in the service sector are looked down upon and treated miserably. This conception is firmly implanted in all that enter into this lifestyle. Yet, many proceed forward because of the value they can offer through their service.

A Job From Within

Self-esteem is an inner job. People who are weak tend to blame others for their plight in life. The fact is that we all choose our own paths. If one is of adult age, all decisions are yours. The responsibility of your life rests firmly on your shoulders. Even though we have ideas placed within us, we are the ones who determine whether they remain or not.

Those who look to a Master, husband, boyfriend, or anyone else for their esteem will quickly realize that they will never have any. It is not what you do that mandates your level of esteem but how you feel about yourself. Self-esteem translates into strength. Yet so few have it because they cede this power to everyone else.

The truth is that what others think of you is of little importance. In fact, in most instances, it is none of your business. Sure we want our children to respect and admire us....something that rarely happens. Our spouses love us but most often we want them fawning all over us. Our employers need to show continual appreciation for the wonderful work we do or else we are nervous about our worth. And on and on it goes.

Ultimately, the seeking of worth from outside becomes addictive. Like a drug, there is never enough. Those who live according to the appreciation of others will never find peace and contentment since they are always concerned about the viewpoint of others. A 'congratulation' today turns into 'why doesn't he appreciate me anymore' tomorrow. Those seeking the continual admiration and recognition of others are the weakest members of our society. If this is a person seeking a life in the BDSM world, they are in for a tough haul. These are the ones we see continually taken advantage of by the pretenders.

Resign yourself not to be one of these people. Start the process of working on your own self-esteem by looking in the mirror and liking who you are. If there are some things about yourself you dislike, then work on changing them. But, understand that your worth as a submissive is directly tied to how you view yourself. If you are one who feels you are worthless, then you will be. Get ready to be abused because that is the path you are choosing to follow.

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Communal Living: BDSM's Answer

I do not mention my other interests outside the BDSM realm on this blog. However, for those who are unaware, I am an ardent student of economics. I read all I can about the state of our economic situation while looking for the trends of the future. While I will spare you all the dry details, the conclusions I reached are that we are experiencing a multitude of bubbles that are going to pop over the next few years. What does this mean? Simply, that things are going to get a lot worse so we had best prepare for it.

These statements are made within the context of not being a 'gloom and doomer'. I believe that we will get through what is coming but there will be a lot more pain involved (and not the kind pain sluts enjoy). Ultimately, life as we know it is going to be altered.

Therefore, we need to look at ways to reestablish our lives for the oncoming crisis. Shared resources is going to be the way to go.

Communal Living

I long have been a fan of the idea of communal living. This is an idea that was tried in the 1960s and 1970s in the hippie movement. While experiencing a degree of success, I will state that, overall, the results were not very good. There are many reasons for this most of which do not negate the basic premise. Sadly, other factors and beliefs interrupted the advancement of this idea.

While some want to downplay this concept, we must consider that it is a central part of man's existence. The only difference is that we did not use the term 'communal living'. For centuries, we were a hunting and gathering tribe. People roamed the planet in packs using the resources of each other to survive. Well, a tribe is a form of communal living.

Another example is those cultures where generations of families lived under the same roof. Think of The Waltons for those of you familiar with this program. You had three (and sometimes four) generations living together. They all pitched in for the advancement of the family. This is another form of communal living.

The main advantage of this idea is that fixed costs are spread across more people while the income potential is greatly increased. The only expansion of expense is variable; i.e. a small increase proportional to each additional person. For example, another person will add to the food bill but a fixed expense, like the mortgage, remains the same. In times of economic uncertainty, this is a viable answer to the turmoil others are facing.

BDSM and Communal Living

Being an alternative lifestyle, the BDSM community, at least in theory, should be open to other ideas of living structure. In fact, there are many examples where this is already in existence. BDSM is more open to change than the traditional world since our minds are conditioned to think differently.

One area that is glaring to me with this concept is the arrangement of a multi-slave household. Here is a structure where three or more adults live under the same roof. Like was mentioned in the last section, this helps to spread the fixed costs over three people instead of two. At the same time, all three contribute to the benefit of everyone.

We see this same idea in a poly family (which many multi-slave households fall under). In this situation, we have multiple adults residing in the same household while putting forth effort which will help all involved. I guess you could say the major difference with a polyamorous household and mulit-slave is the emotional structure of each relationship.

In both these situations, the 'family' is central to everyone's efforts. Like the multi-generational family which was established by bloodline, this scenario offers the same effect. In essence, the sum is greater than the parts. All parties involved are working towards a collective end, one that could not be derived on their own. Ultimately, the needs of the family exceed that of the individual.

The Future

I believe we will see more of these structures established over the next few years. People are going to have to make adjustments based upon need. With unemployment running so high (and destined to get worse), you will see people offering their services in exchange for things other than money. Since service is a concept central to the BDSM world, it is an idea we are familiar with.

At the same time, I feel you will see the joining of couples in a communal spirit. This might involved 4, 6, 8, or even 10 people. While the individuals involved might not be sexually or emotionally involved, the pragmatic side will necessitate creating alternative living arrangements. A 'community' of this size will further enhance people's ability to deal with the foreseen downturn.

We like to think that mentally we are more open than society in general. I sense this is the case for many of us. Adopting an alternative lifestyle requires a shift in thinking from the general masses. What is considered 'not normal' suddenly becomes common for us. This provides us with a large lead when it comes to adapting to our surroundings. Those stuck in the mainstream mindset will resist being open to new ideas until they are forced upon them. Necessity is the mother of all invention. It is also the answer to closed-mindedness. Those who are open to start will embrace the realities much easier.

Consider the idea as you start to see things unraveling in the next few years. While it might feel like you are swallowing your pride to admit that you cannot make it on your own, fear not since there are and will be many who are in the same boat. The future economics are not positive. In an explosive economy, getting ahead is the focus. When things are at the other extreme, survival is the name of the game. Communal living offers a wonderful opportunity to alter the future reality in your favor. As people who live the BDSM lifestyle, we know that embracing new ideas is crucial. Ponder this one.

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Living The Life You Want

BDSM is about freedom. I write this statement often which usually will get a snicker out of people. How can a life choice that includes bondage, slavery, and Masters have anything to do with freedom? Simple. If you use the title of this post as your definition of freedom, you can see how those who are involved in BDSM are free.

Ignorantly Imprisoned

The average person is a prisoner. I do not care what statistic or study you refer to, it is a simple fact that most people are unhappy. They despise their work, live in unhappy relationships, and abuse drugs and/or alcohol. We see the percentages in each of these areas increasing which means the problem is only getting worse.

I am an enemy of the traditional mindset of society. Being a lover of freedom, I detest how people's individualism is being eroded for the sake of the powerful. Today, people are taught the rule of conformity as a means to happiness and success. Of course, the studies are showing how false this is. Instead, we have an entire class (the majority) living in an imprisoned state without even knowing it. They are ignorantly imprisoned.

Few have the kahunas to make a choice that breaks from the norm. Approaching things in this manner means that one risks being ostracized by those closest to him or her. Individuality is not recognized without a judgment. Those around us are usually willing to express their disappointed opinion. Therefore, most conform.

Rejection is the Path

Living the life you want means rejecting the common notions that society presents. I like to say that dogma is dogma regardless of the source. Parents, governments, and churches all have their take on how you should live your life. Failure to do so carries with it certain 'penalties' ranging from a lack of approval to eternal damnation. In other words, you are condemned if you stray outside the norm of acceptability.

BDSM is about individual choice. We do not create a 'cookie cutter' type outlook. People are free to choose to structure their relationships however they desire. While I am a proponent of people keeping certain concepts according to definition, I do not believe anyone is required to live in a particular pattern. Individuals are free to select whatever model of relationship they want even if it is a combining of different aspects of many. This is your life, not anyone else.

Starting in the Mind

Most are in situations that was mandated by societal edict. For example, it is not uncommon for someone to be in a vanilla marriage when he or she finds this lifestyle. The search was stimulated by something within and suddenly the dominant or submissive trait was exposed. Of course, the issue arises when one desires his/her partner act in a manner that reciprocates the inner need. This is where the problem sets in. One cannot make a square peg fit into a round hole.

Whenever I encounter a situation such as this, I am sure to mention that one is most likely 'stuck' in that position for the immediate future. Thus, it is best not to try to go from vanilla to M/s in 2.2 seconds. Life does not work that way. Instead, one is wise to use the time to learn and understand what this lifestyle is all about. There are many layers to explore and being bound to a vanilla relationship allows one to safely navigate what can be dangerous waters.

BDSM starts with the mind. It is said the brain is the most powerful sex organ. This is true. No matter what one's internal mechanism, either dominant or submissive, each carries a degree of mental adjusting. The BDSM world and relationship therein are vastly different from the traditional mode. Anyone who wants to succeed in this arena needs to make that mental conversion. Time is an ally in this endeavor.

Of course, most people want to approach it in the opposite manner. Instead of using time to their advantage, they want to jump in full barrel. That is why we see so many people in relationships with the wrong type of people after being around this life for a few weeks. Impatience is one thing that will stop you from living the life you want. Do you really want to trade one nightmare for another? Seems most do since they are unwilling to follow the suggestions of others. Alas, I have given up trying to reason with people of this ilk. Their unhappiness will follow them because they cannot get out of their own way.

For the remaining cast, I will tell you that BDSM is freedom. You can live the life you want. Be willing to accept that it might take some time to get there. Along the way, there are some decisions to make which will be difficult. Many people are affected by your choices....do not believe that you live in a vacuum. Consider the effect on those around you. However, always remember that being true to yourself is of utmost importance. A life of servitude and bondage just might be your path to freedom.

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Am I Normal

This is a question many newer people ask. When one finds this way of life, it is interesting to note how radically different the thinking is from the norm. People are conditioned by society to behave in certain ways. To step outside the boundaries that are erected is to risk a great deal. Many feel 'out of place'.

What Is Normal?

I believe this is a much better question to ask. Answer this for me: what is normal? Do you have any idea? Naturally, what we see around us is presumed to be the norm. However, can we be absolutely certain that our eyes are correct?

The truth is we cannot. An example I will cite is the idea of happiness. Do you feel most people are happy? I sense most would answer this in the affirmative. Even though we are miserable, we tend to believe that everyone around us is having a gala time. Of course, this is not true. The fact that more than half the marriages are resulting in divorce means that there are a lot of people miserable in their primary relationship. I surmise this creates a lot of tension among the rest of the family.

So what is normal? It seems from the above mentioned example that misery is somewhere on the list. If you are not convinced, let us use work as another way to validate this idea. Surveys show that 70% of the workforce detests their jobs. Again, that means that the majority of people are miserable at work.

Therefore, we have misery at work and home. Seems like a no-win situation for society. Sadly, this is a statement of fact. Most are doomed. They turn to alcohol, drugs, or retail therapy to feel differently in their lives. I believe most feel that there is no situation that a big screen tv wont fix. This is what constitutes normal.

Don't Catch It

Whatever normal is, I dont want it. Be sure not to catch that disease because it is fatal. We all need to take the proper steps to ensure we are as abnormal as possible. This is where our true salvation lies.

BDSM is an alternative lifestyle. Even with the growth over the last few decades, it certainly cannot be considered a mainstream way of life. Instead, it is a choice that most have to consciously make that goes against most of what that person was taught. Structuring one's life around BDSM principles will make anyone question what he or she is doing. Ultimately, I feel most are taking steps towards freedom.

Society is a bunch of slaves. And this is not a good thing. I know this seems like an odd thing to write on a BDSM site. However, people who live this lifestyle are not slaves in the sense of how society approaches. Instead, we are free people living life as we see fit. Making a conscious choice that eludes the average person is elevating us to another level.

Society places unconscious chains on people. They are imprisoned without even knowing it. The 'rat race' is designed to hold them at bay. The entire process is rigged against them if the play by the rules. The lazy, immature, and unintelligent are subject to being taken by those who do not behave in this manner. Since the vast percentage of the population blindly drinks the Kool-Aid, those of us who question it seems to be outcasts.

Big Circle

The BDSM world is a big circle. There are hundreds of thousands of people involved in real time BDSM relationship as we speak (perhaps even millions). We are not a small cult somewhere off in the middle of the woods. Instead, we are an everyday part of society doing the same things as everyone else. The main difference is we choose to structure our relationships in a way that suits us. This is a big step away from the average Joe who is blind.

Shed those feelings of isolation and self doubt. There are more of us than you think. Leaving the traditional way of life can be overwhelming at first. However, it is important for one to realize that much of this process begins in one's head. The early stages of your education should be mostly mental. The truth is, if done properly, that most areas of your life will not change instantly. It takes time to transition from one lifestyle to the other.

Interacting with others who are involved in the lifestyle can be extremely helpful. That is one of the reasons why I established the An Owned Life Social Community. New people need to get the education that will allow their minds to think differently as compared to what they were taught. Also, it is crucial for one to see that there are many people who are already living as he or she desires. This will offer hope when one feels alone and isolated.

So, to answer the question, you most certainly are not normal. And that is a good thing. If you are interested in BDSM, you are one who is willing to question what is considered to be the prevailing wisdom. Only the free can do that. The rest are too busy being mindless minions to consider any other possibility. That is what normal is.

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In Between: Online and Real Time

The difference between online and real time is an age old discussion among the BDSM community since the invention of the Internet. Ever since the words 'virtual reality' were utters a couple decades back, people are trying to make the online experience ever more 'reality reflective'. Sadly, this is an impossible task thus the term virtual. Online can replicate reality but it cannot replace it.

Real Time

Life is lived in real time. It is that simple. People's experiences reside in the here and now. No matter how much people try to implement online as a substitute for reality, the fact stands that we are 'face-to-face' people. This is something that is naturally within us.

Humans beings are designed to utilize the five senses. For those who were absent that day, these senses are sight, smell, touch, hearing, and taste. Our daily lives are filled with instances where these senses are put to use. And, the stronger the stimulant of the sense, the more memorable it is. A thought that sticks with me whenever I think of smell is the rancid smell of orange rinds when I go to my daughters. There is a Tropicana plant that casts an aroma for 500 yards. It is memorable to say the least.

The problem with online is that we are unable to have many of these senses provoked. In fact, taste, smell, and touch are not present in online communications. The two senses utilized are hearing and sight with the former being missing in many interactions. Therefore, no matter how much the pro-online people claim that their relationships properly reflect reality, the biological makeup of an individual proves otherwise.

The Role of Online

That does not mean that online fails to have its' place. As I wrote on countless occasions, the Internet is a wonderful tool for garnering information and interacting with people from around the world. It is a simple truth that we now have access to people we otherwise never could have found before. Today, with the click of a mouse, you can 'converse' with a total stranger on the other side of the world. This opened the BDSM community to a much larger arena. I feel this is one of the benefits of the Internet on this lifestyle.

Of course, we all know this came with a cost. The anonymity of this mechanism allows people to present themselves in a fraudulent manner. We see all kinds of scams, cons, and games played. Individuals find themselves having their lives wrecked because of the actions of these unethical morons. The sad truth is their desperation and gullibility led them to make decisions which were harmful. Warnings of what exists online are aboud yet people still fail to pay heed. Nevertheless, online interaction does have a role in the BDSM community.

In Between

Many seem to feel there are only the two extremes of either online or real time. This is something that divides the community when, in fact, many do not consider the process. When people look at things under this light, they realize that it is not an all or none. Also, one can see how one needs to move from online very quickly.

The truth is that meeting someone online creates basic logistical problems. While it is possible to meet another who is local, we find that many are from distant lands. It is common for someone to be on the other side of the country or, even, the world. How does one deal with this?

Again, I simply point to the process. The goal is to get from online to real time as quickly as possible. Logistically speaking, this might take some time. So, what other option is there? My answer is something that the traditional world, especially military personnel knew about for generations. It is called the 'long distant relationship'.

Since few can up and move in 3.2 minutes, it is best to move from an online relationship to a long distance. This means implementing traditional communications methods immediately. The Internet is one medium to use. There is also the basic telephone, letters (hand written), and in person visits. When one applies these methods to a relationship, I do not feel he or she is involved online. This situation is no consider long distance.

Compatibility

The problem with moving instantly from online to real time is that one truly does not know if he or she is compatible with the other person. Naturally, we can say this about all relationships but this is magnified when one is only dealing online. Since the 5 senses are not used, one cannot fully 'experience the other person. This only can be done in person. For example, some people have horrific body odor. You will not get a whiff (pun intended) of this online. Meet the individual face-to-face and you will instantly. It might be a deal breaker.

Relationships take time to develop. My experience is that it is foolhardy and senseless to go from online to real time too quickly especially if relocation is involved. Therefore, utilize the idea of a long distant relationship as a intermediate step. Apply the traditional forms of communication. Meet the person a time or two to see how he or she resides with your other senses. If you do this, you will find that your relationship is on stronger footing if you do decide to move forward.

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