Shouldn't You Be In Therapy

 This is going to be a controversial post but it is something I see far too often.

To start, I must say that I am making large generalizations here but the overall theme holds true.  I got the idea for this post in reading what many post online and interacting with a lot of different people over the years who fall into this category.

My first question is this : do you belong in a relationship?

Think about that for a second before jumping to a quick answer.  Many put up profiles on different BDSM sites in an effort to find someone to get involved with.  However, when you start to learn more about these people, it is easy to conclude that this person belongs in therapy, not in a relationship.

People go through a lot of difficult things in their life.  We know sexual abuse, abandonment, and physical violence are part of many people's personal history.  These circumstances can take quite a toll on the psyche of many.  Unfortunately, few get the help required to deal with the damage that is done.  We see this in the esteem of many of those we interact with.  Either they have the cockiness which is a sign of underlying insecurity or they believe they are the worst thing ever to walk the planet.  No matter how this materializes, the bottom line is a person with such esteem issues really needs help.

BDSM is often a guise for abusers.  We read about and hear the stories of what some are made to endure.  The problem with these situations, many of them, is that the person volunteered for this.  It is quite common for our sub, with no self-esteem, to be so desperate that she submits to the first person who comes along.  Simply showing attention to her enables him to stimulate her low esteem and reel her in.  Naturally, this is problematic since he has ill intentions.  Now, please bear in mind that I am making a distinction between one who truly is prey versus someone who simply makes a mistake by submitting to the wrong fool.  The later is understandable since all of us who are in this way of life for any length of time get taken.  We all know the pretenders are large in number.

I use the word prey because our sub with substandard self worth portrays the victim.  On a certain level, she likes being treated so poorly since it reinforces what she believes.  When one has the outlook "nobody cares about me" or "I deserve to be treated like this", the predators are going to exploit that mindset.  Of course, once they do, it only enhances the belief which creates a revolving door.  Our sub is only taken lower by each episode; the worse she thinks about herself, the more the way she is treated affirms this idea.  Hence, the endless loop is in operation.

The person I am describing here is extremely damaged.  This is not something that should be overlooked and glanced over.  There are many who suffer under these conditions believing that meeting the right guy will solve everything.  Sadly, because of the person she is, attracting someone healthy is impossible.  Sure, she might get someone interested but he will quickly head for the hills once he learns how damaged she is.  In the BDSM world, many enter it trying to escape from what they are presently dealing with (either physically or emotionally).  Again, the belief is that finding a dom/master will solve everything.  It might be of great benefit to her if she could get in a healthy relationship.  However, the impossibility of this emerges when she becomes instantly dependent upon the dominant for everything.  What I mean by this is that he is the one having to carry the entire relationship.  Her esteem is such that she contributes little.  She ultimately becomes an emotional vampire sucking the life out of him.  Her constant need for reassurance and overwhelming self pity get tiresome.  On an emotional level, it is akin to dealing with a 4 year old.

While this might seem like I am attacking those with these problems, I am not.  My point is that one is not going to solve her esteem problems by getting in a relationship (BDSM or vanilla).  In fact, the odds of being taken in by an abuser, either physical or emotional, is great.  An individual of this sort needs to be in therapy, not hunting for a dominant in the BDSM world.

Now let us look at the dominant side of the equation.  Of course, being dominant means that one cannot show weakness hence the idea of self pity is not tolerable.  Thus, our damaged dominant comes across in a different manner.  Instead of being overt about it, he covers it up with cockiness.  Taking this approach will give the impression that this guy thinks highly of himself when the truth is, he does not.  Those who are having to tell everyone how great they are, do not believe it themselves.  The individual who has healthy esteem fails to go around telling others how wonderful he is.  Instead, he just goes about his business as if nobody is watching.  This applies to all walks of life.  The confident man shows you what is inside him, the cocky one has to tell you.  One comes from a place of strength while the other weakness.

We see this play out in the cycle of abuse.  Naturally, one who is physically abused, for example, by a parent during his development years is, most likely, going to have some self worth issues.  As he reaches adulthood, his internal growth was stunted.  Hence, when in a position of authority, i.e becoming a parent, he naturally does what was done to him.  What is interesting is most people in this situation swear they would not do that to their child yet many do.  It is the cycle of abuse that carries it from generation to generation.

Sadly, many of these people end up in BDSM, a way of life where one submits to certain treatment that can be very harmful if it crosses the line into abuse.  It is easy to see how one in this position, with this frame of mind, can cause a great deal of damage.  To add to the mix, he is often one who will prey upon our sub with poor esteem since his ability to attract someone healthy is minimized.  As you can guess, what results is a very unhealthy and often dangerous situation for the sub.  It is under these circumstances that she puts up with all kinds of intolerable behavior and refuses to leave.  Of course, she will justify it a thousand different ways but the truth is that a healthy person would head for the door.

Another question that each person needs to consider: what are you bringing to the relationship?

I tell this to people all the time.  When you are looking to interact with someone, what is he or she bringing to the table.  Again, this is something that applies equally to the dominant and submissive side of the equation.  What is the other person going to do for you?  Simply put, we all get into relationships to get something out of them.  A dominant needs a submissive and vice versa.  It is the yin/yang completion of things.  However, if one party is extremely damaged, what is he or she truly offering?  If you are one questioning yourself, it is a good beginning.  If you are so damaged that you are going to be a psychic vampire or an abuser, a relationship is the last place you belong.  Time alone working on yourself, with the aid of a professional, is a better place to start. 

The basic fact of the matter is that nobody else can change you.  There is not a single individual who is helpless to alter one's situation. Yes, there are often circumstances which makes things very difficult.  Often, hard decisions are required.  Nevertheless, over time, one can get out of any situation and, with the proper guidance, move beyond any past issues.  Sadly, time is an element that is invested with quick fixes being few.  Nevertheless, you can ultimately get to the point where you have a lot to offer when entering a relationship.  I would say, if you follow this route, the chances of finding someone healthy (and keeping him/her) are much greater.  At the end of the day, we all want fulfillment and happiness.  A great part of this is derived from the people we interact with.  Be sure you are one who is capable of spreading joy and enhancing the people you interact with instead of continually bringing them down.

DN

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There Is Only LIfe

 It is fairly common for us to throw out words like traditional, lifestyle, BDSM, and vanilla when describing the different aspects of this way of life and what things mean to us.  Obviously, most of us who are around any length of time understand what these concepts mean.  It is a way for us to distinguish ideas in our minds so as to differentiate the approaches people have.

To cover these briefly.

Traditional: this is a term I use which is synonymous with "vanilla".  Basically it means the regular approach people use to relationships.  It is a structure based upon parity of equal power.  There is not the overt exchange of power which is agreed to by both parties.  Also, this is devoid of any "alternative" lifestyle meaning, for example, we are talking about monogamous, heterosexual interactions.

Lifestyle: this seems to refer to a specific life approach that is consider "alternative" to the norm.  Many people consider BDSM to be a lifestyle since it is not vanilla.  Other "lifestyle" choices are nudism, polyamory, and asexuality.  Each of these differs from some way from the mainstream with people making a conscious choice to live a different way.  Hence, these individuals refer to their "lifestyle" choice.

BDSM: here we hit upon the mother lode.  Here we are actively involved in a way of life that is consciously decided where power is granted to another person.  It is a structure where interaction is based upon non-parity and both parties not only agree, but seek this out.  Of course, many see this as play since they focus upon the whips and chains aspect of things.  They embrace what they see in the porn films of ones being tied up and beaten.  Hence we can say that BDSM also includes the different fetishes that people are interested.

Now that we have a general understanding of these terms, I would like to point out something that I see so often as I travel around the online BDSM world.  It is fairly common to see someone post something to the effect "I am seeking someone who can have both a BDSM and a vanilla life.  I want someone who is dominant in the bedroom but still can meet my family and interact in the vanilla world".  It is statements like these that drive me nuts and tells me someone does not have a clue what they are talking about (or they met the pretenders who beliefs are totally insane).

Here is the deal.  There really is no vanilla versus BDSM life.  This is complete lunacy.  The fundamental fact is there is only life and a path that is littered with a variety of decisions which we need to make along the way.  Part of this process is deciding how we prefer to structure our relationships.

Those who make the statement I just mentioned believe that you can somehow separate BDSM from vanilla and that they are mutually exclusive concepts.  They are not.  To start, I acknowledge that most of us operate in the real world where we have to interact with people both within and outside of this way of life.  In other words, we have jobs to go to which requires appropriate behavior and dress.  Few of us are so fortunate to be able to dress in leather and wear cuffs all day.  The truth is most of us look like everyone else if you see us on the street.

It is a rather simple concept.  Our private lives are just that, private.  Few of us operate in a manner where we advertise our preferred way of life to the general public.  It is not uncommon for friends and family to be completely unaware of the choices we made.  However, this should not surprise anyone since most people in the "vanilla" world do not advertise their personal choices pertaining to sex.  Nevertheless, for some reason people seem inclined to believe that we live in a totally separate manner from society.  Again, this is incorrect.

At this time, I must insert a caveat.  There are some people who are in a position to establish BDSM interaction which is basically full time.  What I mean by this is that one is dressed and operating under the extreme protocols of another throughout the entire day.  There are some who are in leather and chains 24/7.  However, this is not the norm.  As stated, the vast majority of us intermingle with society at large dealing with friends, family, work, shopping, and a host of other activities that "normal" people do.  In this regard, we are no different from anyone else.

Another problem with the attempt to separate the two ideas is that one is focusing upon the external only.  BDSM is not about whips and chains.  It is not about protocols or how one kneels.  Slavery is not about locking someone up in a cage for days on end.  It is not about abduction and forced (consensual) activities.  Certainly, they all may be part of one's BDSM life but they are not what makes one involved in BDSM.

The BDSM life is about taking your internal desires and bringing them outward.  What I mean by this is when one focuses upon his or her internal core, the realization, if you are in this way of life, is that you lean towards either dominant or submissive.  This is something that becomes clear to people fairly quickly.  It is based upon these core feelings that one structures interaction(s) which meet these desires.  Naturally, for a submissive, it is interacting with someone who is of the dominant persuasion.

It is at this point that we see the problem with trying to separate the two "lives".  One's natural leaning does not change simply because of circumstances.  When one goes about her day, she is still submissive regardless of what she is doing.  Of course, there are times when her natural submissiveness needs to be cast aside while she adopts a role of dominant in the case of being a manager or parent.  Simply because one has authority and properly exercises it, this does not change the core.  The same is true for a dominant.  He can have these traits but if he works for someone else, there are times when he is to obey (if you do not believe your dominant ass will submit, just stand in front of a judge and see who is in control of the situation).  My point is that one is not separated from the fundamental aspect of BDSM, the core tendency to be either dominant or submissive.

In closing, while I understand what someone is saying when he or she states that both BDSM and vanilla are sought, bear in mind there is only one life.  BDSM is a way of life; it is a structure that we choose to model our lives around.  We cannot be separated from our domination/submission any more than one can be separated from his or her gender.  It is a part of us wherever we go.  The idea that we operate 24/7 full blown BDSM is focusing upon the play aspect too much.  Most BDSM relationships appear totally normal from the outside.  However, for those who are in the intimate circle, we are aware of the power structure.  Nevertheless, this does not mean we see her bound to a St Andrew's Cross or are privy to their personal matters.  There are some who keep their private interactions to themselves.

Remember, there is no BDSM or vanillia life, there is only life.  It is up to you to choose how you want to live it.

DN

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Seeking A Sister Slave

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have seen a profile on the BDSM social stating something similar to this:

"Master has me here looking for a sister slave to add to his household."

Every time I see that, I simply want to laugh.  What the hell is going on in this world where a Master thinks it is proper to have a slave seek out another slave for him?  I mean seriously, what is the mindset of these people?

Here is a question for all you subs/slaves: who did you submit to?  Who was it that earned your trust and got you to agree to be his?  I am going to presume that it was him.  It was through your contact and interaction with him that you came to understand what submitting to him would be like.  The personal attention he gave you made you feel comfortable with him while allowing you to determine if your views/desires/wishes matched up.  This did not come through or via another person.

Once again, if we reach back the traditional world, do we see this in practice there?  Obviously, the poly/multi-person aspect of things is not as common as it is in BDSM.  Nevertheless, we can see some lessons if we learn them.  What happens if an individual is single and having a tough time meeting people?  Usually, if the online sources are not leading to success, friends or family will set him or her up with another they know is single.  Of course, these people only provide an introduction.  After that, it is up to the individuals to interact between themselves to determine if they click or not.  The original parties are far removed from the equation.

Now, some will want to claim that is exactly what they, or their Masters, are doing.  The mantra comes back with the idea that "I am only looking on Master's behalf and when I find a possibility, he will take over".  Sorry not buying it.  To start, how lazy can one be.  If a Master is interested in a poly or multi-slave household, it is up to him to find the individuals who will be brought under his roof.  Of course, some might want to say "that Master is too busy so I am saving him time".  If this is the case, that Master it too busy to look for a slave, then I can assure you, he is too busy to have another one.  The simple fact is that prospecting for a slave is a lot less time consuming than training, interacting, and maintaining a true live in slave.  Running a house requires a great deal of time and commitment.  One who is too lazy or busy to look on his own simply is not qualified to have a multi-slave household.  It really is that simple.

Another aspect of this entire mess is that the submissive who is being targeted should question what is taking place.  I chatted with many over the years who were on the receiving end of messages from subs/slaves.  I would say the vast percentage of them were put off by the fact they were being contacted by a submissive on behalf of a dominant.  The reply to me was along the lines of what I just wrote: why isn't he contacting me himself?  I never asked how they took the reply "well he is too busy".

One point I want to add.  The scenario I am portraying here is different from a sub/slave being aware that her Dom/Master seeks another and mentioning it if she comes across one who is seeking the same thing.  Many submissive types interact either online or at munches.  In this instance, I would say that he referring the other submissive to her owner is a viable move.  This, obviously, is a far cry from him sending her out to find him another.

Also, my point of emphasis with this post is relegated to those seeking another to join a house.  If one is simply seeking play, well that is a different scenario.  We all know play carries with it a different level of interaction and connection, hence requiring less in terms of the established level between the parties involved.  Again, I hope the difference is clear.

One final objection that is often given is the idea that the subs/slaves need to get along, hence having the submissive search for her sister is wise.  Once again, this is incorrect.  Is the submissive responsible for house or is the dominant?  Part of his obligation when seeking out another is to determine how he or she will fit in the established situation.  Yes, there is a time when the submissives need to deal with each other.  However, it ultimately is up to the dominant to establish what is proper for the house and how the interaction will take place. Deferring this responsibility to the sub/slave simply does not cut it.

Being dominant is about taking control and being responsible for what comes along with that control.  Too often one wants to be given control while absolving himself of the responsibility.  It does not work that way.  If you are going to have the power, you best know how to use it.  Failure to do so makes you domineering, not dominant.  This is just another example of how to achieve that misguided end.

DN 

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Insecurity Part 2

In my last post, I covered the topic of insecurity.  While certainly not exclusive to the BDSM world, this is an issue that many have.  We see this clearly in the profiles that some post and in how they behave in all their different interactions.

To start, I will say that we have to be honest about the BDSM these days.  In spite of the great benefits the Internet has given our community, the online BDSM world is akin to swimming with alligators.  It is wrought with danger.  There is not a single individual among us who has not engaged in the online world, via some of the BDSM "dating" sites,  that came out of it unscathed.  Each of us experienced the joys of the misfits, pretenders, and overall dregs of society.  We all know about the lies, disappearing, and abusive tones/behavior that is so common with this medium.  It is very easy for one to get frustrated and take much of this personal.

As hard as this might be to believe, the reality of the situation is that often what takes place online is not personal.  That sounds like a far-fetched idea until you consider what actually takes place.  Those who seek to harm, whether it is physically or emotionally, do not care particularly about the individual they are affecting.  Ultimately, predators feel little for their prey.  It often boils down to convenience.  That is where one is open to getting harmed.  He or she simply was available...the wrong place at the wrong time concept.

The bottom line is it is best to be as careful as you can.  Nevertheless, do not believe that anything we suggest about protecting yourself is 100% guaranteed.  The liars, con artists, and manipulators are skilled at their craft.  Their art of deception can border on legendary.  They prey upon those individuals they can manipulate emotionally, often with the most sadistic of intentions.  Therefore, we are all apt to get taken for a ride by these individuals and to feel the pain that they offer.  This is why I say, do not take it personally.  If an individual is skilled and set out to hurt someone, the odds are he or she will succeed.  We need to be very mindful of the fact that a percentage, perhaps a great percentage of the online crowd has ill-intentions.

At this point we need to embrace the concept "shit happens".  The reason I mention this is because you cannot enter this arena without getting a bit bloodied.  It simply is part of the game we are in.  It is sad to write this but if I am honest, it is the reality of our community (I believe the online world in general...Match.com has the same antics taking place).  My regular readers know I am all for personal responsibility and one admitting where he or she screwed up.  However, this is much different than internalizing negatively a situation that occurred which is common place within this lifestyle.  The analogy that i use is akin to baseball.  Strikeouts are a part of baseball and the best hitters in the world get struck out.  How would they perform if they allowed the strikeout (failure) to affect their security and confidence?  I would presume very poorly.  It is the same thing within the BDSM world.  If you beat yourself up for getting involved with some of the nitwits, you are going to destroy your confidence and success rate.  Take this point to heart, it is all part of this lifestyle.  Just like the strikeout in baseball, we all have to deal with the freaks of nature who occupy the BDSM world.

Another thing I need to cover when dealing with the topic of insecurity is how closely tied this is to expectations.  Referring to the liars and cheats, it is easy to see why an individual will tend to be leery when interacting with someone new after going through 2 or 3 experiences with the morons.  It gets very difficult to trust when one experiences the same behavior repeatedly.  Over time, it becomes very easy to expect the same outcome to arise.  The problem with this is we end up actually manifesting what we do not want.  Without getting to esoteric, I will simply state that people create what they continually focus upon.  We see this when we notice that a person's fears tend to all come true.  The reason this happens is simply because the individual is focusing extensively upon his or her fears.  Hence, when we are interacting with another and we are expecting something bad to happen, that is what we seek out.  Sure this might not be conscious but it does hinder our ability to properly interact.  For example, perhaps the fear will cause one to not trust or share openly with the other person.  This is something that can adversely affect the connection of two people.  Or maybe the person hides something that should be revealed to the other individual because he or she was judged on that in the past.  Simply put, we expect something bad to happen thus our behavior emerges in a way that validates this expectation.  It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

As you can see, it all starts in the mind.  Going back to the professional baseball player, where do you think his confidence comes from?  It is nothing more than a mental exercise.  He believes himself to be a success hence his actions mirror that.  He does not go to the plate thinking he will strike out but, rather, that he will get a hit.  The question is why do you enter into situations with others expecting things to turn out poorly.  Sure you have a bunch of evidence in your life to prove that circumstances often end up in pain.  However, doesnt the baseball player have hundreds, if not thousands of strikeouts to prove he cannot hit the ball?  The difference is the baseball player lets go of the pain associated with past failure while we hold onto it and actually add intensity to it.  This is where we go wrong.

At this point I must interject something into the discussion.  I am not talking about adopting a Pollyanna attitude towards things and turning a blind eye to the reality of what we are covering.  The truth is there are a lot of scumbags out there with bad intentions.  We know the BDSM world is wrought with abusers.  It is crucial that one take all the precautions possible to protect him or herself against these people.  To stick our heads in the sand about this reality is dangerous.  However, once we take those necessary steps, it is to our benefit to see things working out as we desire.  It is just as easy to think about a positive outcome as it is a negative one.  Nevertheless, it seems that mankind is cursed with the default mindset to automatically go to the worst case scenario.  We do not just see things not working out, we see things unfolding in a manner that is totally destructive to our lives.  In our minds, this is going to end horribly when, in reality, we honestly have no idea how things will turn out.  Do you see how this truly is a mental game?

In closing, I am going to state that you are worthy.  This is something that many seem to have issue with.  The truth is none of us enter the BDSM world an expert in anything.  I see many subs/slaves beating themselves up for making mistakes.  This is part of the learning curve.  No matter what your situation in life, you are worthy of happiness and fulfillment.  Sure, at present, there might be some issues to work on.  Nobody is perfect and we all have things we can improve upon.  However, life is a process that unfolds moment by moment.  If we are mindful and learn from each situation, we grow.  Experience is a wonderful teacher.  Sometimes those lessons are difficult in the moment but we can often see the value down the road.  Another point that I want to make is that if you are alive, and I will presume you are if you are reading these words, then you survived every situation that you encountered in life.  This is true from the time you were born until this moment.  Every situation, no matter how painful or horrific, you survived.  In other words, you got through it and are here now.  Sure there are things in your life now that are not rosy but, rest assured, as long as you do not die, you will get past them.  Know that you are worthy and have the ability to get through whatever you are presently dealing with.  It might not feel comfortable at the moment yet there will come a time when you do not have the same emotional attachment to whatever is going on.

At risk of sounding like a personal development blog, I will finish with this: believe in yourself.

DN  

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Insecurity

Today I am going to cover one of the quickest ways to sabotage yourself in any endeavor.  This principle not only applies to BDSM but to all of life.  But then, again, we know BDSM is a reflection of life in general.

Many philosophical and religious traditions teach the concept of the "here and now" while emphasizing the importance of it.  Meditation and other forms of "centering" are encouraged to develop the discipline to control the mind.  The tendency seems for people, as they age, to allow their mind to wander.  It seems we are always either looking forward to something or reflecting backwards upon an event(s) in the past.  While reflection can be a wonderful way to learn, most tend to engage in guilt ridden activities which do not teach but, rather, attack oneself.  At the same time, forward projection is done with the same negativity, with fear being the overriding emotion.  We look ahead to some event that is going to take place and automatically go to the worst case scenario.  That meeting with the boss is not going to go well.  She is going to say no when I ask her out.  I will have car trouble on the trip.  Instead of seeing everything working out for our benefit, we, instead, project things going the exact opposite way.

Positive expectations are crucial to our personal success.  We all know how draining it is to deal with a negative person, one who always casts doubt upon everything.  If you do not understand what I mean, simply go to any sports team blog and read the comment section.  There is a subset of the fan base who simply will be negative no matter what is going on with the team.  Or, try and go to one of the major network news sites.  There you will see the same negativity from the populace usually based upon some political outlook.  Regardless of the reasoning, people will regularly post how bad everything is and how politician/group is only going to make it worse.  This negativity has a way of infecting our mindset completely.

I will state that many people simply love to worry.  To them, it is a national pastime.  In fact, I am convinced some are not happy unless they are absolutely driving themselves nuts over something.  If the pond is calm, they need to toss a giant rock into it.  Life without ripples (or tidal waves) is unacceptable to them.  Some are chaos junkies while others are always jumping to the "impending doom" mindset.  These are the people who believe that nothing ever works out positively.  On the occasion that something does benefit them, the response is this will change.  Ultimately, they lack the ability to see the good things that are occurring around them.

Books have been written about what causes people to be like this so I am not going to delve into it here.  The bottom line is these people are insecure to the point they sabotage themselves.  They lack the ability to just let things be.  We see this manifest in many different forms.  One of the major approaches by an individual of this nature is to want to get in and "fix" everything.  Instead of sitting back and watching things play out, the individual must confront whatever is going on.  While action is a wonderful thing, part of the problem is the person tends to be in an emotionally charged state.  This causes one to be reaction and over the top in his/her approach.  Mix in a fair bit of negative thinking and you have a recipe for disaster.

It takes great strength to allow things to be.  Now, please understand I am not referring to the absolving ourselves of responsibility nor tending to those areas of life which do require legitimate action.  A person of strength knows that he or she has responsibilities which necessitate action.  However, this same person is also optimistic in the approach believing that everything will work out.

This topic takes on more meaning when we view it in the context of relationships.  Whether it is the relationship with the capital R or the non-sexual, primary ones, we see the same results.  People with insecure outlooks end up sabotaging themselves throughout their life.  Few who are healthy want to engage with someone who is continually negative and always looking for something bad to happen.  This is not an enjoyable person to be around.  Think about your own life.  We all have encountered individuals of this sort.  They are terrible to work with since they tend to pull the entire outlook of the team down.  Quite simply, it gets tiring dealing with someone of this ilk.  They tend to always be on the attack with their insecure based thinking which puts others on the defensive.  Sit back and think about your experience with individuals I describe herein.  How did they make you feel?  Was is a comforting interaction or were you continually on edge?  Did you find it draining emotionally or were you energized?  If your experience is like mine, you will determine that the negative aspects were common.  People of this sort simply are not uplifting.

Now here comes the million dollar challenge....are you one of those people?  Honest self appraisal is the most difficult thing for us to engage upon.  We tend to be tilted in our view of ourselves.  People will either over inflate themselves (accentuating the positive while overlooking the negative) or deflate themselves (accentuating the negative while overlooking the position).  The truth is none of us are remotely close to perfect.  We all have flaws.  At the same time, none of us are total pieces of garbage.  We all have wonderful things about us that others can cherish (or we ourselves can cherish).  The egomaniac who is constantly telling everyone how great he is suffers from the same insecurity as the one who is always stating what a loser he is.  Neither outlook is true yet the insecurity within the individuals is causing the same skewed view.  Both are unrealistic while causing problems in one's life.

We all know the BDSM world is wide and varied.  This lifestyle enables us to engage in some pretty extreme activities.  One of the things people often are aroused by is degradation.  It is something that many enjoy because it really emphasizes the difference in power and "lowers" oneself to help her embrace her place.  Without going into the details, I will say that only those who are secure and have good esteem should engage in this practice.  Humiliation can be a very stimulating approach to interaction if one is able to handle it in a healthy way.  Too many feel themselves garbage, hence deserving of being degraded.  This is an unhealthy approach to me.  Those who have low self worth are not coming from a place of strength.  Much like it takes a strong man to walk from a fist fight, it takes inner power to embrace degradation in a healthy manner.  Keeping things in the proper perspective is paramount.  Sadly, too many believe they "deserve" this treatment using it to reinforce an unhealthy view of oneself.  To me, this is where a line is crossed.

Adult interaction is a very difficult task to accomplish.  It appears that most people, no matter what the age, tend to interact like children.  We see this in every walk of life where people are trying to harm others.  In the world force, everyone is trying to one up another.  Friends gather and assassinate the character of another friend who is not present in an effort to make themselves feel better.  People get into relationships with poor self esteem only to end up being hurt either by some predator who preys upon the weak or because they force someone away.  Many stay in abusive relationships because they thing they "deserve" it.  They cannot imagine being alone (again they project to leaving the relationship and jump to worst case outcomes) thus they remain where they are.  Something is better than nothing in their mind.  Their insecurity has imprisoned them.

If you step back for a moment, I think you will see how this concept applies to all areas of our lives.  It is easy to realize that these techniques and way of thinking are imparted upon our children.  As mentioned, it affects our careers since our outlook as a major impact upon the success in the workplace.  Our relationships/friendships are all affected.  Few want to hang out with a psychic vampire who drains the energy from everyone he or she comes in contact with.  Our health is obviously affected by all the worry and strains we put upon ourselves mentally and emotionally.  Finally, our happiness is eliminated since fear and worry are our constant outlook.

Before ending this post, I will state that I will next post the solution (or at least some techniques) that will help with this situation.  However, I am going to offer an example that illustrates what I am referring to.  I do not know this individual personally but the way she is was mentioned to me in detail.

We have a woman who is in her late 30s.  She in not into this lifestyle but, rather, leads a vanilla life. The major problem she has in life is she is run by fear...scratch that...terror.  She is continually sabotaging all aspects of her life because she cannot get past this hurdle.  One of her major desires is to marry and have kids.  Naturally, to do this, she needs to date and establish some long term relationship with a guy.  This is where she runs into a problem.  From the start of the interaction with someone knew, this woman's approach is one of fear.  I was told one of her favorite things to do is to repeatedly go to the guy's page on a dating site and see who else he is interacting with.  This is done before she ever met the guy.  In short, she stalks the guy.  Why does she do this?  Her biggest fear is that, since she was cheated upon in the past, that some guy will cheat on her.  While one could say this is legitimate concern, especially if one desire monogamy, stalking someone virtually before even meeting or talking to them on the phone is a bit excessive.  Of course, more than one man latched onto what she was doing and said told her to get lost.

The question is, do you engage in similar behavior?  Do you fire of an email if one does not reply to your initial email within 5 minutes of reading it?  Do you turn around and "block" them because they did not respond in a timely manner (in your mind anyway)?  Did you even consider that possibly they were involved in something that precluded answering right now?  And if they are not interested, why do you feel the need to degrade them...does that make you feel like more of a man?

Just food for though. 

DN  

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What Are Your Limits?

Limits are something that many people discuss within the lifestyle yet few seem to take the time to really analyze what a limit is.  The dictionary defines limit as:

 " the final, utmost, or furthest boundary or point as to extent, amount, continuance, procedure, etc.:" or "a boundary or bound, as of a country, area, or district."

In other words, a limit is a boundary.  The question is where is this boundary and how is it known?  Obviously, if we are looking at a map, it is easy to see the boundaries.  However, how do you map out the boundaries you have for yourself?  How is one to know when he or she reaches a limit?

The answer to this question is simply experience.  A person uncovers his or her limits over time.  It is through the interacting with others where we come to understand our limits.  For example, growing up, we all know the limits our parent(s) set down for us.  How did we come to know these?  The most direct way was to test the limits which usually resulted in some form of punishment.  Of course, now, perhaps the tables are turned and you have a child(ren) that tests your limits.  The bottom line is that through interaction and experience, we are able to uncover the limits for ourselves and others.

In the BDSM world, the tendency is to label limits either "soft" or "hard".  Soft limits are those that are open to discussion under certain circumstances.  Hard limits, on the other hand, fall into the "no way, never, not on your life" category.  These are those areas that a person is unwilling to engage upon.  It is a boundary that one claims an unwillingness to cross.

The problem with these ideas is that most of the things we discuss/encounter in the BDSM world are fluid.  Definitions can be a personal thing in their understanding.  What something means to me can be entirely different to you.  For example, we know that "abuse" is a limit or boundary people should not cross.  One should never take anything to the level where it is considered abuse.  I think this is a fairly common outlook by most within the BDSM way of life.  However, the difficulty in this concept is defining what abuse actually is.  What I might define as "abusive" someone else could consider appropriate.  The difficulty arises in that my definition or appraisal of the situation might not be accurate.  We all know the vanilla world looks at this way of life as full of abuse when, we who are involved in it, have a much different perspective.  Those of us who operate under the premise of safe, sane, and consensual do not believe that BDSM is abusive.  Nevertheless, we can see how a perspective plays a large role in how we define things.

Getting back to limits, one of the things I encountered is the fact that limits can be fluid.  What is a limit today is not necessarily the same in the future.  For example, in the area of weightlifting, a person might encounter a certain limit today yet be able to surpass it in a few weeks.  The same might be true in one's work life.  What is difficult to achieve today could be rather simple in a few months with experience and training.  The limits that previously existed were removed (or at least moved further out).  This individual can handle more.  Therefore, over time, as one learns and grows, he or she is able to handle more, changing the limits that were once there.

We see this fluidity on a daily basis too.  Using the gym example again, for a variety of reasons, I might not be able to lift the same weight I was able to do the last time.  The result is that my limits actually contracted from the previous session.  The same thing can occur in the BDSM world.  In the area of pain,  I have noticed that a sub/slave often can take varying degrees of pain depending upon the day.  There is rarely a continuous level that she can achieve.  Some days, for many of the same reasons as the weightlifter, she can take much less than she did in the past.  Her body simply contracted the limit area.  It is for this reason that a dominant needs to be ever mindful of how the sub/slave is responding during the session.

The final area that pertains to limits is simply our area of interest change.  What is a "no way, I never would do that" becomes an "okay I will try it" 6 months or a year down the road.  We evolve as people in all areas of our lives and BDSM is no different.  Over time, as our experience and knowledge grows, certain things become of greater attraction to us.  Perhaps our understanding changes or we meet someone who can safely teach us what that particular aspect is.  For example, one might abhor the idea of fire play until she meets someone who is experienced in it and describes the wonderful benefits while stressing safety when done properly.  After such an encounter and, perhaps, a live viewing, suddenly this is an area of intrigue for our sub/slave.  Notice how, over time, the limit was removed.

Therefore, what are you limits?  How did you arrive at them?  What do the limits mean to you?  Are they there because it is an area that you do not like?  Or is it a physical/psychological limitation that is holding you back?  Have you had someone who helped push you to that limit while trying to gently move you beyond it?  What if you could overcome one of your limits, how would that change things?  What limits do you hold onto the hardest?  Which ones are you willing to never change?  What are the ones that you will change? 

Consider all the different possibilities from the perspective that limits are fluid.  Of course, there are things that each of us is unwilling to engage upon, no matter what.  However, ponder some of the less rigid ideas that you have.  How different would things be if you were able to overcome what is holding you back?  Would you experience more freedom, and less fear, if you were to change this limit?  It is best to remember, BDSM is about the freedom to live how you choose.  Do not allow preconceived ideas to  handcuff you.  Shed light on all that you believe and conclude to determine if they are truly your beliefs and conclusions.  If you are like most, you will realize that society has a way of imprinting ideas upon our psyche which we embrace and hold dear.  Limits can be another form of bondage unless you determine they are for you.  These are the ideas that we must work to rid ourselves of.

DN

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Self Discipline

Discipline is a topic that appears to be misunderstood by many.  Obviously, this is a part of the BDSM world since discipline is part of the acronym we use on a daily basis.  Nevertheless, many people seem to think that discipline is something that only comes in the form of punishment or harness.  Sadly, this is missing most of what that word means.

The Key To Success

Have you ever considered what it takes to truly be successful?  If you study the personal development field, you will come across tens, if not hundreds, of key ideas that are the basis for success.  Unfortunately, with so many conflicting ideas to choose from, one could become lost.  Personally, this is why I believe so many suffer when embarking upon this realm.

Many claim that proper goal setting is the key.  Still others talk about motivation.  Another facet focus upon the idea of a well thought out plan.  Some promote the idea of courage.  Visualization is another component that many believe to be the link to high achievement.  Faith and belief are also touted as the magical elixirs which lead to getting all you want.  In short, I could go on for the next hour listing things that are all parts of success.

In my experience, while all these characteristics are crucial, the one overriding element for success is discipline.  Without discipline, all the other attributes are meaningless.  Ultimately, action is required in any area before success can occur.  We must DO something if we expect to get results (of course, NOT doing something also gets us results, just not what we desire).  Oftentimes, this action is not something that we desire.  In fact, quite often it is painful to do certain things which lead to success.  However, if you want the results, you must take the action.  Having the proper amount of discipline in your life is what enables you to do what is required to achieve the results you seek.

The Inner Game

Most of my regular readers know that I feel that BDSM is a journey within.  This belief stems from the fact that all of life starts with us.  It is through our minds that we perceive the world which we live in.  Everything we encounter is a result of what goes on between our ears.  If one wants to alter his or her present state, delving within is necessary.

BDSM is considered an "alternative" lifestyle.  Why is this?  The answer is fairly simple.  BDSM is different from what we are conditioned to believe is "normal".  The masses (or powers that be) decided what is considered proper and the path to follow and spent years pounding that into our heads.  It was nothing more than a propaganda machine meant to control our minds.  For those who entered and stayed in the BDSM world, obviously breaking away from this mindset was critical.  It was through the questioning of what was "normal" and the lack of fulfillment that resulted which led to our search.  Again, I want to point out that this search started within oneself.  It is only through the questioning that one determines that the belief system instilled in the mind does not work for oneself.  Thus. we start to follow another path in the quest for fulfillment.

Discipline is also an inner game.  This is something that seems to elude many people.  As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, too many believe that "discipline" is something that comes from outside ourselves.  The common view is that a Master is to discipline his slave or that one is disciplined when she is wrong.  In other words, discipline means punishment.  It is an external influence meant to deter certain behaviors.  When looking at the "carrot or the stick" scenario, this is the stick.  However, getting back to our success experts, external discipline is not the most effective.  The truly effective form of discipline comes from oneself.  Hence, self discipline is what we all need to focus upon.

The Ability To Act

It is not uncommon to read a profile stating "I am looking for a Master to give me the discipline I need in my life".  My question is why do you need a Master to instill this in your life and will this really make a difference?  So many believe that having someone else who is calling the shots is some kind of magical elixir for accomplishment.  While having that accountability is certainly helpful, it is not the end all and be all.  The problem with this concept is what happens when that individual is not around?  Or even more importantly, what are you doing today since that person is not yet in your life?  The obvious answer is nothing since this individual believes discipline is an external event.  She simply lacks the internal discipline to act herself.

Our military personnel are considered some of the strongest people around.  They endure tremendous obstacles upon their entry into the military.  The entire structure is one of discipline.  Certainly, when one is a green recruit, all discipline comes from an external source (usually a drill sergeant).  However, over time, the system is established where the discipline moves from external to internal.  It is not uncommon for one to make his or her bed, in a military fashion, years after leaving the service.  The discipline was such that it became a habit.  No external influence was needed.

We see the same thing happen with those who are fit.  If your body is not the way you want it and you are carrying a few extra pounds, the reason is fairly simple in most instances.  You either take in too many calories by eating the wrong foods or do not exercise to burn enough calories (or some combination of the two).  Therefore, if you are in this situation, it is because you lack the discipline to eat what you should while working out in a proper way.  It really comes down to that.  A person, on the other hand, who has a nice body, maintains an effective diet while getting the necessary exercise.  He or she takes the action on a regular basis to complete the activities which attain the desired result.

This idea is not relegated to only exercise and weight loss.  Take any area of life.  People who are slobs lack the discipline to pick up after him or herself.  Of course, when we are younger, we have mom after us about that.  But what about when we move out?  Do we have the discipline to put the plates in the sink and pick up the bath towel off the floor?  If your place is a mess, then you do not have this discipline.

In closing, I will mention that all of us fall short in the area of self discipline at times.  There are areas which all of us tend to overlook (read get lazy about).  Nobody is perfect in this regard.  However, some focus their attention on this more than others.  One observation I made over the years is that in the BDSM world, it seems that many feel that this idea only pertains to those who are submissive.  For whatever reason, the dominants feel they are exempt from all that they require those under their care (control).  This is absolute garbage.  The "do as I say, not as I do" philosophy is worthless.  A dominant is suppose to be a leader within the relationship.  This means that he is tasked with setting a good example.  Again, he will not be perfect.  However, being lazy and simply barking out orders is not domination.  If one cannot control oneself, how in the world does he expect to control someone else?  In my mind, this is an impossibility.  Domination starts with oneself and self discipline is a central requirement for success. 


DN  

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Power Exchange

Power exchange is one of the foundational concepts that exists within the BDSM world.  Almost all our interactions center around this single idea in one form or another.  A large part of what separates BDSM from the vanilla world is the fact that we are overt about the unequal way we structure our relationships.  Relationship parity rarely exists even in vanilla although it strives to promote that concept.  Look at any relationship for a short period of time and you will realize who "wears the pants" in that interaction.  Certainly, there are relationships where authority determines who has the power.  However, even in friendship or romantic relationships, usually one person has more control than the other.  This is determined, not so much by position, but, rather, by the personality of the individual.  One person tends to take on the leadership role while the other embraces the part of follower.  Oftentimes, this is not a conscious decision as much as one's underlying personality emerging.

BDSM is much different.  In this way of life, we are very open about the fact that we are not into equality of interaction.  Relationships and interactions are established based upon one's place along the domination/submission line.  Here, we find that power is granted to the dominant from the submissive.  It is a natural choice based upon the core component of each.  Each is following a natural tendency that was uncovered within each of them.  In contrast, society created a system or ideal which is not natural, in my view, while trying to mold everyone the same.  Under this realm, little thought is given to what is best for the individual.  Instead, we get a one size fits all.  Most often, this ideal is the monogamous, male/female, one on one, equal basis relationship or what I call the traditional model.  Unfortunately, those who are drawn to power exchange, homo or bisexuality, and polyamory need not apply.  Even today, people fall into these later categories are considered abnormal.

That being said, before we explore the concept of power exchange, we best define what it is.  Have you ever thought about what power is?  Certainly, we mention it often enough on the BDSM sites we visit.  Ironically, few of us ever think about what it is we are referring to and transferring.

According to dictionary.com, power is the ability to do or act.  It really is that simple.  Power is the ability to get something done.  To expand on this a bit further, power is what enables you to do those things that you should do.  At the same time, it is also the ability to refrain from taking those actions which are counter productive to what you desire.  For example, if your goal is to lose weight, power is both the ability to get your butt to the gym while also holding back from eating those fried mozzarella  sticks. 

Notice the individual nature of power.  What is ironic, when you look at the definition, you realize that power exchange is a bit misleading.  In fact, it is really impossible to turn one's power over to another.  The ability to do or act is still within one no matter what the circumstances.  What is really transferred is control.  Again, looking up the definition we see that control is to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.  Certainly, this sums up what we do in BDSM.  A sub gives control of herself over to a dominant.  While she still has power to do something, he is the one who determines whether it is exercised or not.  Nevertheless, since it is common to exchange these two words and ideas with each other, we will operate from this perspective.

There is a spiritual axiom that says you cannot give away what you do not have.  If we think about this in the physical realm, this idea really jumps out at us.  How can I give you $20 if I myself do not possess it?  The answer is I cannot.  On the emotional level, have you ever seen anyone who is not happy pass along happiness to another person.  Usually, if one is angry or miserable, those around him or her will not experience happiness in the moment.  What usually happens is that anger, tension, and misery are transferred.

What I am about to embark upon applies equally to submissives as it does dominants.  Many seem to think that submissives and dominants are completely different.  In truth, they really are not.  Their cores are different and actually form a reciprocal arrangement.  Therefore, the basic tenets of each is the same in terms of what I am going to discuss here.

Getting back to the axiom, one cannot transfer what he or she does not have.  I think we can understand this point.  Applying it specifically to our way of life, one cannot cede over control if he or she does not already have it.  Ergo, when looking at the topic of control (power), the starting point is with oneself.

This creates quite a quandary for many.  To start, so many dominants want to control another when they lack the ability to control themselves.  They believe their place is to tell a sub what to do and expect her to follow.  Certainly that is part of the BDSM arrangement.  However, one shows the ability to control by his own life.  If one's life is completely out of control, bet the ranch that person is a terrible master or dom.  He has no clue how to control anything.  Instead of being dominant, he ends up being domineering.  Many encounter this when traveling around the different BDSM "dating" site and running into all the pretenders barking out orders.  The "on your knees bitch" crowd knows nothing about control.  Individuals with this mindset believe that control is about the submissive when it is about himself.  This is a major point everyone needs to understand.

At the same time, a submissive needs to be able to control her own life.  She need the ability to get herself to act, i.e. exert power over herself.  This might seem contrary to what the BDSM way of life is all about but it is not.  Again, if she wants to cede control over to another, she ought to have it to begin with.  Someone who has a life that is totally out of control is not submissive but a train wreck.  Many times, she is using submissiveness as a means of avoiding responsibility.  Understand that being submissive does not make one free from responsibility.  Even slaves who are owned have responsibilities and require the power to act when instructed to. Ultimately, one chooses when she is going to exert her ability to act (of course, defying brings up consequences but that is another matter altogether).  It is a power that does not go away nor is it transferred.  The only difference is that when one cedes control, there is an outside influence "motivating" and directing her.

Which brings up a question I wrote about in the past: what are you truly offering another?  If you have no control over your own life, how can you either give control to another or accept something you have no ability to exercise.  I see this regularly when traveling around the online BDSM world.  So many want to be "owned" yet you start to investigate their lives and you realize they are offering nothing but a big pile of crap.  This is equally true on the dominant as well as submissive side.  Physically they are a mess because they eat garbage all day and refuse to exercise.  Financially they are in the ringer because they cannot control their spending.  Emotionally they are nothing more than children since they refused to engage in the maturation process required to control one's emotions.  Mentally they are slightly ahead of moron since they refuse to learn about anything and spend entirely too much time watching senseless television or posting stuff on Facebook.  In short, they are a mess yet they feel that entering a BDSM relationship will straighten everything out.  Of course, it comes as no surprise when one ends up bouncing from relationship to relationship with no results.

Thus, I ask you, are you exercising the power over yourself to:

-get you ass to the gym to lose that weight?
-avoid eating those nutritionally empty foods that are high in sugar and fat?
-living within a sensible budget so that you are not deep in debt?
-keeping your surrounding clean and tidy?
-pressing your clothes so that you put forth a nice presentation visually to others?
-educate yourself about important matters such as investing, child rearing, health, and money management?
-resist spending time online opting instead to take those classes that will further your career?

Whatever the situation, are you exerting control over yourself to get things done?  This is what it all basically comes down to.  Waiting until you are owned or own someone else is too late.  Discipline is a trait that is required for success in all BDSM interactions (and in life).  The only way to establish this characteristic is to exercise it over yourself.  Then, and only then, do you have something to offer another person.  Remember, before you can give something over to another, you must have it yourself.  If you want to cede control, establish it in your own life first.  And, if you are on the flip side, if you want to have all the control, make sure you have the ability to apply it to yourself.  From my experience, failure to do this will result in failure in all your BDSM interactions. 

DN

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Letting Go

Human beings hang onto things emotionally.  When compared to other species in the Animal Kingdom, the "enlightened" one seems to create a whole lot of pain for itself.  It seems the more developed and advanced we become, the unhappier we get.  Ironic that we do not see this in other animals.

Take a dog for example.  You can discipline your dog and 5 minutes later he/she will interact with you like you were always best friends.  Contrast that with humans, especially high school girls, and you will see a stark difference.  Humans tend to hold onto the past while replaying it over and over in the mind.  Feuds can last years between people oftentimes even after the reason for the dispute is forgotten.  Of course, this leads to misery.

Many disciplines throughout the ages have preached the need to let go.  While it takes on different forms, it always delivers the same message.  One will state that forgiveness is key.  Another talks about remaining in the present moment.  A third will refer to the idea that it is best not to buy into illusions and the past is nothing more than an illusion.  No matter how it is phrased, they all say the same thing.  The need to let go of what occurred is imperative.

As I travel around the internet, I am continually amazed how the exact opposite occurs.  People do not forget about the past.  Instead, they nurture it and add emotion to the thoughts until they grow and prosper.  Sadly, the only thing they are watering is negativity.  Few look on the positive experiences.  Rather, they dwell upon the loss and what is missing.  This leads to a state where one is "hurt" or "scarred".  Again, few seem to realize they are simply inflicting the wounds themselves.

This situation often plays out in the case of rape.  Obviously, this is a traumatic and painful experience that many encounter.  Going through a rape and the experience cannot be minimized.   In this situation, one is victimized by another by being taken without one's consent.  However, this is further enhanced when the victim "victimizes" oneself.  What I mean by this is the individual replays the events over and over.  It is not uncommon for someone to be doing this years later.  Naturally, I am not validating the initial crime.  Nevertheless, whereas the rapist assaulted the individual once, the individual does it to herself (or himself) repeatedly.  One of the first steps in therapy is stop the practice of reliving and replaying the events.  Letting it go is necessary to move past it.

The same can be seen in profiles posted on different BDSM sites.  People will talk about their inability to trust since they were harmed by other masters or slaves.  Certainly, one needs to resist the desire to act blindly and foolishly.  However, every relationship is different and not all are scumbags (just most online).  Having an intelligent approach to dealing with someone new is definitely sound.  Yet allowing this lack of trust because of past event to sabotage what one is dealing with is basically bringing the past into the present.  It is for this reason that many seem to get the same results.  If you bring the negative results from past relationships into your present one, what do you think will happen?  The only possible outcome is for the past to repeat itself.  This is why fear tends to be so powerful and create the results that one least wants.  It is impossible for anything else to happen.

People claim to want to be happy yet they seem to do all they can to counter this outcome.  The BDSM world is even worse since we know there is a large percentage of abusers, users, game players, and general misfits of society who do not seek the same end as those who are genuine.  People are very willing to lie, mislead, and disappear without considering the pain and suffering they cause another.  That is the reality of what we deal with, especially online.  However, it must be stated that not everyone is that way.  You simply do not know what the next profile holds for you.  Perhaps that is the real and genuine person you were seeking.  The point is that one simply needs to let go of what happened in the past.  I am not recommending forgetting all because that leads to reckless and stupid behavior.  However, do not allow the past to dictate all your actions.

Now I am going to state that many are going to disagree with me on this.  That is simply because most are immature.  If you do not believe me, watch all the childish behavior that occurs when someone feels slighted.  An example is when someone disappears after chatting for a couple weeks.  We all know this happens regularly online.  It is part of the realm we operate in.  There is no way around this.  People are going to play games.  Nevertheless, you will see some who make a big stink when it happens.  They will post entry after entry for weeks, if not months, on end mentioning what this "person" did.  The problem is each time this is done, energy is given to this situation.  In addition, this individual refuses to move on instead opting to live in the past.  It is done...get over it.  I know it is not easy but it is the only way.  Sadly, many refuse to do this.

So how do we let go of those things we do not like that happened to us?  My answer is to be like Nike and just do it.  As moronic as that sounds, it is the only way.  One simply needs to move beyond the situation.  Certainly, it is important to learn the lesson.  However, once that is completed, move on.  Take action immediately to move yourself in a different direction.  If you are dealing in the online world, send out the next email.  Do not allow the disappearing jackass to control your life any longer.  Starting chatting with someone who catches your attention.  And yes, the exact same thing could happen.  However, there is a chance that the next person you are chatting with is real and has what you desire.  Either way, you will not find out until you take the action.

People seem to want to hold onto their pain.  It is almost as if, for many, it is a badge of honor.  The reality is that holding onto pain only makes you a toxic person.  It resides within you like a poison.  I fail to understand why, as human beings, we are wired to hold onto pain while letting go of the pleasurable circumstances or memories but that seems to be the case.  When we are in pain, fear tends to rear its ugly head.  At this moment, there is a new master in charge and it does not have your best interest in mind.  Ultimately, one becomes imprisoned when the fear takes over.  Paralysis is the outcome since that is its desire.  We see this in the inability to open up to another or even send the basic emails.  The fear of rejection or getting hurt is too great.  Of course, like some of the disciplines throughout the ages taught, this is buying into an illusion.  The reality is the past situation has no bearing on the present one.  Humans tend to forget this idea.

Whatever your present situation in terms of frustration, hurt, or anger regarding the BDSM world, let it go.  I can tell you that few of us encountered a path without the emotions you are presently dealing with.  It is all the same for all of us.  None of us are exempt from the games that are played.  Nor are we insulated from the pain when a true relationship ends.  Nevertheless, moving on is vital.  Certainly, there are times when a "mourning" period is required.  However, once sufficient time is given here, one must move forward.  To do otherwise is enabling the past to dictate your present and this is pure insanity.  Stop buying into illusions.  Move forward and prosper.

DN 

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The Rifle Approach

I apologize for not writing the last couple weeks.  Sadly, I found myself a bit under the weather with a nasty bug which has taken some time to get past.

Today I am going to cover a topic, like many, that applies to more than simply BDSM.  However, since I do not view BDSM as a kink as much a way of life, it stands to reason that all things that apply to life are pertinent to BDSM.  My view is simple: BDSM is life.  There is no separation.

There is a saying in the personal development world that most people do not know  what they want simply because they do not know what it is they want.  This might seem strange until you thoroughly analyze what people do with their lives.  Have you ever noticed the success someone with a goal and a plan has?  When someone is crystal clear what they want, the chances of achieving that outcome are greatly increase.  Sadly, few have this laser-like focus.  Instead, most people waffle through life accepting what comes to them.  They have no specific goals with plans for the accomplishment.  In short, they are not very clear about what they want.  Therefore, they do not achieve it.

The same holds true in the BDSM world.  There are many difference facets, avenues, and structures that one can follow.   We see this when we interact with someone new and he or she mentions how overwhelming it all is.  When we step back, we do realize that this is certainly the case.  BDSM can be overwhelming at first.  With so many variations available (and acceptable), it is difficult to decipher where to start.  Couple this with the fact that, in my belief, we need to engage in extensive inner searching to truly uncover what we desire, we realize that it basically is too much for most people.  The average person is accustomed to waffling through life.  BDSM offers an opportunity to take control, something most people are not accustomed to doing.

Freedom is a wonderful thing.  Personally, I feel BDSM is the life choice that equals freedom.  This sounds strange considering that we are involved in something where bondage and enslavement are acceptable methods of interaction.  However, when one is being true to him or herself, as Shakespeare wrote hundreds of years ago, we see that this is, indeed, freedom.  One is free to choose basically whatever is desired.  The limitations that society likes to erect no longer exist.  Outside a few areas, most anything is acceptable (although, unfortunately, you will still deal with judgments even within the life itself).

A problem that arises is that with freedom comes responsibility.  While it is acceptable to have the "kid in the candy shop" situation when first encountering BDSM, after a while it is up to us to start deciding what it is we want.  I cannot tell you the number of profiles that I see online where someone writes something to the effect "I am just seeing what is here" and then I notice their profile is a few years old.  Naturally, not everyone fills in these profile pages but serious people usually have something to write.

Therefore, it is imperative that one decides exactly what it is he or she wants.  Again, going into the success management field, this is referred to as the rifle approach.  When trying to hit a target, a rifle is more accurate than a shot gun.  For those who know guns, a shot gun provides a much wider shot.  A rifle, on the other hand, is targets and provide a clean hit.  We can transfer this idea to our BDSM by simply acknowledging that it is too varied to use the shot gun approach.  Shaking a tree and seeing what will fall it simply will not work.

So, the question "what do you want" is something that everyone needs to sit down and answer.  What do you truly desire?  What will it take for you to be fulfilled?  Are you looking for full fledged service?  Do you like poly or do you prefer a monogamous situation?  What areas are you willing to explore and investigate?  Where are you willing to commit to improving so as to make yourself more attractive to those who are in that particular aspect of this life?  What do you want in the other person?

Now some will say that getting too specific eliminates too many possibilities.  To a certain degree I would agree.  However, the likelihood of someone being too specific is no where near the odds that one is too general.  This simply is human nature.  Remember, we are not accustomed to deciding, in detail, what we want.  Therefore, take the chance on overstepping the bounds and having too narrow a search.  You can always change it later.

One final thought on this subject.  You must decide what are the major sticking points for you.  The truth is that it is highly unlikely that you will meet someone who lines up with every criteria you set down.  Thus, it is imperative that you identify the major necessities for you.  For example, if you are seeking service that includes domestic work, you best be sure that one you are interacting with is willing to do that.  Those who only want bedroom submission tend not to line up when confronted with domestic duties.  The same is true for fetishes.  If you are a diaper girl, you should make sure he is into that sort of thing.  If not, as you can imagine, some conflicts will arise.  A situation like that is going to require some bending that each part is unwilling to do.

Remember the idea of a rifle.  A marksman is successful because the target is easily identified and he or she can take aim at it.  Apply this to your life (BDSM or otherwise).  What is it that you want?  Answer this question in great detail and you establish a target.  Then, you simply need to concentrate on hitting it.  But, at least you have a direction to go in which is more than most out there who are simply floating with the current.

DN  

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