February 10, 2016

The Art of Domination Part 4

It seems this has morphed from a couple of posts into a series.  Either way, you can read Part 1 (here), Part 2 (here), and Part 3 (here).

 Over the past couple of posts, I covered a few different areas that one should focus attention when determining the merits of one's domination.  This applies equally to those who are interacting with a dominant as well as the individual dom looking at himself.

Today I am going to deal with the big elephant, fear.  Fear is something that all humans beings need to control.  We all encountered those individuals who were totally driven by fear to the point of paralysis (not literal but in terms of the ability to take action).  Their fears are so strong that they, ultimately, sabotage their lives.  This is really emphasized when we see the decisions one makes.  It is through these decisions that we can determine how well one controls fear.

Before delving deeper, it is best if I explain fear and the different components.  While many think it is a fairly clear cut topic, the truth is there are many different layers.  Understanding what is natural versus a figment of the imagination is crucial.

Fear is a natural part of our biological makeup.  Many term this the "fight or flight" response.  This is a physical state that is designed to protect it.  We know this sensation when we are in a difficult physical situation where our senses need to be heightened.  Obviously, this faculty carried a bit of greater importance back in our hunting and gathering days when physical danger from nature was ever present.  However, it is still something that resides within us and appears at time.  The basic function is to enable us to use all our powers for either fighting the danger or running our rear ends off.  Either option is meant to protect us in a perilous situation.

I would like you to take notice that I wrote the term "physical state".  The fight or flight response is derived from external stimulus.  In other words, there is a real threat.  We encountered a situation, walking around a corner and seeing a bear for example, that necessitates all our physical power.  The adrenaline is rapidly pumped into our muscles, the heart rate quickens, and our breathing gets very short.  It is through this rapid change that we are either best suited to fight the bear or try to out run it.  Once the danger is eliminated, all sensations that arose are diminished back to our previous state.  Again, I want to stress the physical component aspect.

As I noted, this form of fear was more common in ancient times when danger was ever present.  Nevertheless, today we find the same reaction when we narrowly avoid an accident when driving or we see our child in a dangerous situation.  It is fairly easy to see how the body is in an excited state even a few minutes after the event passes.

It is easy to conclude there is no controlling the state I just mentioned.  Since it is natural we know it exists.  Also, it is beneficial to us to have this skill when needed.  However, when talking about fear, this is not the aspect that most have difficulty with.  The fear that I am now going to focus upon is all mental.  It is here where one does not operate based upon external stimulus but, rather, internal ideas in one's head.  Sadly, what one is fearing is not real yet a figment of the imagination and this is exactly what a dominant needs to control.

A fundamental aspect of fear is that, for it to exist, one needs to project from the here and now to a time in the future.  This is common since few of us are schooled in the art of present moment thinking.  It seems, as humans, we tend to spend most of our lives worried about something we think will happen or regretting something that happened in the past.  Regardless of which direction we go, our minds are not in the present moment.  Another problem with the idea of projecting is few of us seem to do it in the positive.  When we look ahead to a future event, we associate the worst possible outcome.  Of course, this instills fear within us, a situation that is compounded since we tend to repeat the same process over and over until the day of "reckoning" comes.  What is ironic is that often the thing we were fretting over did not come off as anticipated.  Usually, things seem to work out better than one projected.  It is only after the fact that one, if honest, will realize the waste of effort and time it was to worry in this manner.  Nevertheless, we continue to do it failing to learn the lessons provided.

Control of oneself starts in the mind.  If one cannot control what he thinks, or more importantly, his response to what is thought, then he is a puppet to his emotions.  There is no way to eliminate the ideas that pop into our heads.  Oftentimes, it is equally as difficult to not feel the feelings associated with those ideas.  However, one who is in control of himself will have the ability to ignore what is going on within oneself and take the action required.  There is an old saying "courage is not the absence of fear, it is acting in spite of the fear".  This is very true and something we should all pay mind to.

Fear, at least the type I am referring to, manifests itself in many different ways.  Some of the forms of fear you will see are anger/rage, passive aggressiveness, terror, negativity, and hopelessness.  Understanding what "methods" one opts for when dealing with the fear inside himself is crucial.  We all tend to be drawn to a couple of different ways of dealing with the mental fear we create.  Some are eternally angry always going off the deep at the slightest provocation.  This is something who is afraid of not having total control and he feels that rage is a macho way to express that fear.  Sadly, we all know that underneath he is just scared.  Whatever the chosen path, it is crucial that one overcome this tendency while remembering it is all a mind game.

Another area where this is evident is in the decisions made.  Many people are paralyzed when it comes to making decisions.  A large part of being dominant is providing leadership.  The ability to acquire the necessary information, process said data, and have the ability to make a decision is crucial.  The difficulty arises when one realizes that all decisions are not easy and many are met with ill favor.  As it pertains to one's life, it is often difficult to let go of things or people yet is often required.  Much is the same way as it could be very trying for a CEO to make the decision to lay off 5,000 people, it is equally difficult for a dominant to release a sub.  Not only is the submissive upset but there is also a good chance he is giving up something in his life.  However, there are times when standing on principle or removing some toxicity is more important.  Those who are adept at leading will make the hard choices while those who cower from it will be left in the lurch.  Therefore, determining if one is capable of making the hard decisions is paramount. 

I will give you an example that was recently related to me by a slave regarding her situation.

There was a master who had a poly household.  In this situation, he had two, I believe, subs/slaves with one who being long distance.  Without getting into the dynamics of each relationship, the basic issue was that the live in slave was threatened and jealous of the one who visited.  She went so far as to sabotage the relationship with the other on a continual basis.  From what was explained, she was doing things such as slandering her at the local dungeon and play parties.  This, evidently, went on for some time.

At this point I must say that it is my personal belief that sabotage is something that should never be tolerated.  If a dominant is in the poly lifestyle, he needs to be sure he opts of submissives/slaves that are into that also.  The poly life is not an easy one to live yet so many state they want it without really being aware of how difficult it is.  Nevertheless, one who cannot handle her jealousy in a constructive manner and opts to try to sabotage the relationship that the dominant has with another is never going to be suited for this type of arrangement.  Therefore, the dominant needs to take a hard look at what is going on within his home and make a decision.  To me, the one who is sabotaging is at fault and needs to be dealt with.

In the situation that was mentioned to me, the dominant chose to eliminate the long distance slave while keeping the one who was under his roof.  On one level, this makes total sense.  The long distant one did not provide the same level of service to him that the one who was close to him did.  He obviously wanted this individual in his life and I can respect that.  However, if he is intent on having a poly household, at some point, this slave, from what I can see, seems ill suited for this arrangement.  Yes there is a fear associated with eliminating someone who is there and being "alone".  Nevertheless, this is a situation where one needs to be in control of his fear and make a decision based upon principle, not emotion.  Losing someone is never easy yet it seems he was pushed into this position.  One who engages in under handed behavior is showing what she is.  She, in effect, is saying that what she wants is more important that what the dominant wants and she is going to do all in her power to get things as she desires them.  This is not slavery in my opinion.

I use this illustration to make a point.  Of course, there is no way to know the circumstances fully nor the thought process of this particular dominant.  My effort here is to exemplify how, at times, it is difficult to make a choice especially when you know that no matter which option you select, there will be pain.  This example shows how a dominant chose, at least on the surface, to take the easier path.  He "lost" less by eliminating the long distance slave while keeping the live in one.  The problem is that this situation will arise again in the future the second he adds another.  It appears to me a central problem here is the insecurity of the live in slave.  Unless that is tended to, he will be on the same merry-go-round with her.  I am going to hypothesize this was not the first time she engaged in this behavior.  In the end, this dominant ignored the basis of the problem and submitted to his fear of losing out on someone who is there (please note this is all speculation on my part and used as an example).

As you can see, fear can affect situations in many different ways.  Controlling that fear and making decisions in spite of what one is feeling is crucial.  A simple fact is there are times in life when we have to do things which we are not thrilled about.  Regardless of the circumstances, those who are most successful are able to take the action required in spite of what they are feeling.  This same trait applies to the BDSM world.  Being a leader is a vital part of being dominant and that entails doing that which is not always popular or easy.  However, those who are able to stand on principle are able to hold their head up high.  And that is worthy of the esteem of another.


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