I am going to tangent off my series about domination, to write a post about a different matter altogether. This is something that I touched upon in the past yet feel it is vital to cover again.
My observation is that this way of life gets a lot of what I call "tire kickers". Since it is an "alternative" lifestyle, I find this not that outlandish. If we are honest, this is something that few of us were ever exposed to growing up. Most of us were indoctrinated into the mindset of what is considered to be normal relationships. The idea that a relationship (the capital "R" one) is made up of a man and a woman, in a lifelong commitment, which is the foundation of the family unit is what was presented to us. Anything outside this realm is considered abnormal. This idea is hammered into us by not only our own parents but the religious institutions, educational facilities, and advertisers. Other avenues of pursuit are not condoned, hence overlooked by most of us.
This all changes as we age. Most of us ended up in BDSM because there was something missing for us in the traditional model. Whatever the situation was, there was something within us that wanted/needed more. Of course, few of us knew what that was but it is was the impetus that started our search. This is where I will give kudos to the Internet. Most of my regular readers know I call it a double edged sword. However, as an educational/research vehicle this medium excels. It allows us to research some of the feelings and desires that are within us. After clicking for a few different websites, usually porn related (although not always) we see there is an arena that turns us on. I would say the vast majority of us find this way of life through our kink desires and ideals. It is our genitalia that is leading the way. Nevertheless, many start to research a bit beyond the kink websites to realize there is an actual way of life here that people are involved it.
The depth and point people go to is impossible to judge. That said, it is easy to recognize when someone is new and looking to see what this way of life is all about. I am all for those researching all they can before getting involved fully. My view is very candid, this way of life is not for everyone. Also, there are many different facets and turns that one can pursue and it is only through one's internal search can he or she determine what fits best on an individual basis.
At the same time, I must mention that everyone has different desires in terms of the level that they want to go to with this way of life. Some simply prefer a way to spice up their marriage and add a little fun in the bedroom. People of this ilk tend to want to implement some bondage or impact play to their sex lives. The power exchange is a romantic fun way to interact. Outside of having a few accessories in the night stand, their lives are the same. These individual do not make BDSM a way of life. Instead they opt to simply engage in some light play periodically.
Then we have the other end of the spectrum. These are the individuals who make BDSM the central, focal point of theirs lives. They live this, literally, 24/7. I do not know how they survive, but each minute of the day is BDSM related. They tend to not interact much with the vanilla world. The whips and chains (along with the clothing) are prevalent at all times. This is the opposite extreme, something that few of us get to.
Most of us fall somewhere in between these two extremes. We are committed to having BDSM as a central premise in our lives yet we still operate/interact with those who are from every walk of life. From the outside, our lives look like everyone else in the neighborhood. Our kids are dressed like the other children while we show up at work with few knowing what we are involved in. Sure, there might be times when one has a butt plug in her ass but, then again, how do we know she is the only one in the office like that? Nevertheless, our day is pretty similar to the rest of the world. Being involved in BDSM, for the majority of us, simply is a foundation by which we structure our lives. The exterior mirrors most other people.
Getting back to our "tire kickers", these are individuals who feel that BDSM is like trying on a blouse, you put it on and if you do not like it, move on. The Internet, as I said, has exposed this way of life to many more people. Because of that, there are going to be a multitude who are drawn to some aspect of this, perhaps just a curiosity, before returning to their vanilla existence. They will interact with a few online, maybe even go to an event or two, and then leave when they find someone to get involved in who is not in this way of life. Basically, this person is experimenting and searching while lacking any commitment. This is natural of course since the person has no idea if this is what he or she wants. In the end, it might have just been a passing fancy. Whatever the reason, the individual simply moves on with a bit more knowledge and experience than before.
In life, success in any endeavor requires commitment. This is a common idea and one that I am sure few, if any, are surprised at. If you watch anyone who excels in any area, it is easy to see how much work went into him or her attaining that talent. Olympic athletes often spend years training in their craft before and after school. Musicians spent untold hours practicing his or her instrument over the course of a decade or more before becoming a professional. What is ironic is people seem to think that BDSM is something that they do not need to be committed to. To me, this makes little sense since it is this commitment that gets one through the difficult times and pushes us to keep going.
The truth is that we all encounter frustration with dealing with the BDSM world, especially online. There are so many games played that it can be frustrating. However, for those who are true to themselves, we realize there is no other option. The reason why we ended up here is because the traditional realm left us lacking in something. It is interesting to watch people, when their frustration level rises, return to that world believing that it will be any different. From what I hear, the same games we encounter online in BDSM are also on match.com and other sights of that sort. In other words, things are not really any better over there.
I can understand the frustration. On both the submissive and dominant side of things, there are a lot of idiots. The bottom line is that we have to sift through a lot of trash to find what we seek. That simply is the nature of the game. To get upset when this reality emerges is foolhardy. As tough as it might be, we simply have to keep going. Frustration cannot be allowed to win. To succeed in this, we need commitment. Cutting off any other possibility is what is required. It might take a while, but we will find what we seek. Being committed to this outcome is a central premise in our success. As I said before, for most of us, going back to strictly vanilla is not in the cards.
I recently read this "I am done with that part of my life". From what I could gather, this was a woman who identified herself as a baby girl. Obviously, she encountered a great deal of frustration at not finding a daddy "who would love and cherish" her. This is common. What struck me in reading about this individual is that she most likely did not belong in a relationship. Her writings were littered with things such as "I am not good enough" or "I chased another one away". It is obvious this individual has esteem issues that require attention. The fact she was looking for someone to love her when she did not have that love for herself was one of her problems in my opinion. She sought a worthwhile dominant yet had little to offer. Her negative outlook on life was evident in everything she stated.
Another problem was her level of desperation. She went on and on about her "daddy" who was ignoring her and not returning her calls or texts. This went on for months obviously. What is interesting is she mentioned that she asked him to be her daddy, he was not in BDSM before this. She even filled out the slave register as his property. WTF? She got involved with someone who was not in BDSM, was not a dominant other than the fact she thought he was dominant (domineering more likely), and then is surprised when he ignores her totally. Obviously, I am not condoning this guy's behavior. Hell, he can not even be termed a good boyfriend. It is rather obvious that he is a user and a game player. That aside, she went on and on how she loved him and craved the same from him.
And now for the big twist. On the same day of proclaiming how much she loved him, she posted how she was attracted to another guy and he turned her down. It was because of this that she was done with "this part of her life". Wow. So the guy you love rejects you and your response is to get with another dominant? What a great way to enter into a relationship, get involved with someone to use them to get away from the feelings you have. Leaving the absurdity of that aside, my main point here is the idea that "she is done with that part of her life". To me, this begs the question, what are her other options. Is she going to go back to vanilla? I am going to hypothesize that she did not have raging success there. At the same time, is she going to just ignore what her core is telling her. I am going to presume she realizes that she is submissive and desires someone to take her. Hell, it is pretty obvious that she craves that aspect in her life since she enslaved herself to someone who is not in this way of life (and most likely does not want to be) and then offers herself up to someone else while still being attached to this guy. Yet she is going to allow her frustration to turn away from this and move on. Now, obviously there is a chance, after she pulls herself out of the abyss somewhat, she might change her mind. However, the fact that she is even thinking about it shows her lack of commitment.
In closing, I just want to re-iterate how important it is to be committed to this way of life. For those who want this as a foundation, it is vital that we do not allow frustration and other missteps along the way to deter us. Whatever you desire, you can have it. The caveat is you have to be willing to keep pursuing it. The online world made BDSM that much more difficult since anyone with a keyboard can become whatever he or she desires. Unlike the past, the screening process is non-existent. Nevertheless, as I stated, the options are few. We must keep plugging along until we reach our desired ends. That is what leads to success, both in BDSM and all areas of our lives.
Click here for your version of An Owned Life.
Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.
14 hours ago