October 27, 2014

Know What You Want

I see many who enter the BDSM world who approach it like they do buying a car.  It is a scene many can envision.  One walks into a car dealership and the sales person walks up while asking "can I help you".  The answer is a swift "no thank you, we are just looking.  This is a similar approach people take to BDSM....they believe it is like buying a car.  In fact, many will write in their profile that they are just "looking to take a test drive".

Now, I understand people come to this way of life with many questions and confusion.  There is a lot of garbage out there.  One of the main reasons why I started this blog years ago was to try and clear up some of the confusion since I recognized there was so much trash out there.  Nevertheless, before one can truly excel in this way of life, one needs to be committed to it.

The individual who is a "tire kicker" needs to have a methodical approach if any success is going to be attained.  BDSM is different on so many different levels from the way we were raised.  Therefore, gaining an understanding of the different avenues is vitally important.  To me, the best approach is to spend time learning.  Doing one's own personal research is the best way to advance one's ability to decide.  I am continually amazed at some of the things people are shocked about in our way of life.  If one takes the time to do a bit of research, he or she would quickly realize there are many different levels within the lifestyle that people go to.  Understanding the different parameters that exist out there is the first step.  Obviously, there are some who choose to live in an extreme manner while engaging in some fetishes that are rather "non-mainstream" even for us.  While this might not be to the new person's ilk, it is helpful to be aware that it exists.

Sadly, I see so many who want to instantly jump into a BDSM relationship.  The "tire kickers" feel this is how they are going to learn.  Does one learn how to drive by getting behind the wheel of a Corvette?  Obviously, before one can drive, he or she has to go through a series of steps before that benefit is granted.  The same holds true here.  If one wants to be successful in BDSM, it is best to find out what this is all about and to make some decisions as to what is of interest.

Ultimately, success in this lifestyle, like any aspect of life, starts with knowing what you want.  If you read about any successful person, or study success techniques at all, you will find that knowing what the person wanted was at the start.  Tiger Woods was groomed to be a golfer from a young age and he knew he wanted to be the best of all time.  There is a mindset which removes all confusion.  Bill Gates loved computers and tinkering with them.  When he came across Windows, he knew what to do with it.  BDSM is the same way.  If we know what we want, then it makes it easier for us to find it.

 Once one begins to do a bit of research, the different aspects of the lifestyle emerge.  It is at this point that one can start to decipher what he or she is attracted to.  By going within oneself and determining how something strikes one core, one will start to lay the foundation of what will become his or her BDSM life.  When one has an outline of what is desired, then certain things will fall into place.

It is at this point that I must mention something that is a warning.  From experience, I can tell you that, over time, things change.  In fact, there are times when things change rather rapidly.  This is an obvious statement so I will explain further.  My experience is that over time, like and attraction to certain fetishes changes.  Not only have I experienced this, but I witnessed it within others.  For example, I once knew one who had pain as a limit.  She had no desire to engage in impact play.  In fact, she went so far as to say it was a hard limit.  This was based upon her perception of things without any real world BDSM experience.  As it turns out, while not being a pain slut, she did enjoy pain and impact play.  So here was an individual who had one mindset when her reality turned out to be completely different.

The point that I am making is that your initial determination of what you want provides the framework.  It is not an absolute.  Entering BDSM with a closed mind is a fatal process.  We need to be open to all to fully uncover what is within us.  Certainly, there are things which turn our stomachs.  That is fine.  Just because one is open to something does not mean he or she engages in it.  I will tell you that I have explored and tried to understand almost every fetish there is.  At the same time, I can say I have succeeded with most of them in terms of the understanding part.  Of course, that does not mean I am into all of them nor do I want to witness or partake in many in any manner.  Nevertheless, I have considered what they are and accept that, even though it is not for me, there are many who are drawn to it.  This acceptance keeps me from the mindset of "my kink is better than your kink".

Therefore, while knowing what we want is vitally important to life in the BDSM world, we also must maintain an open mind regarding all the things that are possible.  As mentioned, likes can change over time.  Another thing that is a fact of life is that, no matter how long we are around, we do not know everything.  I am sure there are many fetishes that I have never given a single thought to.  It is impossible for me to know all there is about this way of life.  Every year, I learn more and more about what this is all about.  The same is true for everyone else.  If I close my mind off or stop the learning process because I think I know it all, then I am short-changing myself while eliminating a host of possibilities from my life.

BDSM has a lot to offer each of us.  It is imperative that we are willing to explore all there is even if much of it is from an educational perspective.  The truth is we never know when we will stumble upon something that interests us.  Know what you want but remain flexible to adjust and add as necessary.  Life is not stagnant; nor are you.


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