October 4, 2014

BDSM: Individual Kink and Outlooks


Reading many of the conversations online it is easy to conclude that many have very judgmental attitude towards what other people desire and are into.  The "my kink is okay but your is not" is commonplace.  It is interesting to note that many often complain about feeling ostracized by mainstream and their vanilla friends yet turn around and do the same thing to others.  Here is a classic double standard imposed by many in the lifestyle.  In other words, they want the freedom to live as they see fit while mandating that others adhere to their beliefs.

I witnessed this same behavior before in a couple other "lifestyles" that I practice.  Nudity is something that is frowned upon especially in the U.S.  Overall, we are very uptight about the human body.  Nudity is something that is seen as bad and we go to any length to cover up.  Naturally, the media and advertisers put a spin on nudity equating it to sex which is untrue.  Therefore, practicing nudists are ostracized by not only society but those closest to them.  They know what it is like to be outcast for doing something they enjoy which is also harmless to others.

Which brings me to the double standard.  Here is a group that feels the effects of judgment so you would be led to believe they are open-minded and non-judging.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Many nudists are also practicing swingers.  Now, I am the first to admit that nudism and swinging do not necessarily go together; they are two distinct activities.  Nevertheless, there are many who do enjoy both.  Of course, the swinger crowd creates quite a rift with the nudism community, especially those of the religious (read Christian) viewpoint.  They classify the swingers as immoral and perverts.  Ironic, since those are the same accusations levied against the nudists by the mainstream world.

Fetishes

Everyone has their fetishes but what is a fetish really?  I could look up the dictionary definition and give what Webster believes a fetish is.  However, I am not going to do that rather, opting to simply say a fetish is something we like.  It is a desire which arouses us sexually.  The thing about fetishes is there is no right or wrong.  In fact, if it is a fetish to you, it is something that is natural...for you.  We need to continually be reminded we are all different.

Sexuality is a diverse mechanism.  What applies to one does not apply to another.  I am a male (sex) who identifies as a male (gender) while liking females (sexual preference).  Many men fit into this same category as me.  However, as we know, not all do.  There are many men who identify as males who like other males.  The same thing is said for women.  Some women identify as women while also liking women.  Add to the mix those who sexually prefer both men and women and you see how diverse even our sexual preferences can get.  To further complicate matters, there are men who identify as women (tg/ts) who like men (or women).  As you can imagine, we can create a multitude of different scenarios using these same basic elements.  The point I am trying to make is that whatever one identifies with, that is natural for him or her.

The same is true for fetishes.  Just take a look at this simple list I put together:

-groupsex
-exhibitionism
-voyeurism
-puppy play
-power exchange (tpe)
-rape fantasy
-bondage
-public sex
-furry
-diaper play
-vomit play
-age play
-infantilism
-pee play
-impact play
-hooding
-fisting
-blood play
-knife play
-daddy dom
-spanking
-orgasm control

As you can see, this is quite a diverse list.  Now some of the things on this list most likely are highly attractive to you while others simply turn your stomach.  The bottom line is there is someone out there who likes something on this list.  Each and every fetish has someone who enjoys it.  Certainly, there are some that are more "fringe" than others.  However, it is something someone else enjoys and, while it might not be your thing, is completely exciting and natural for them. 

Another interesting observation I made over the years is that people also can change their own particular views on certain fetishes.  What I mean by this is, over time, some come to embrace that which they previously discounted or shied away from.  Another truth is we evolve so to believe that something you dislike today will always be that way might be a mistaken viewpoint.  As people grow and adapt, their outlooks change.  This is something to bear in mind as you are judging something as gross, perverted, or pathetic.

Therefore, we can see now how naturalness plays a big part in what one is excited by.  The fact that it is not something you enjoy does not make it wrong, just not your thing.  I am sure there are many things you are into that does not strike a chord with me.  It is that diversity which makes BDSM interesting and exciting.

Perspectives and History

Another problem with judgment in the area of human sexuality is that we, as humans, really do not know what is going on.  What do I mean by this?  Sexuality is something society has warped throughout the ages.  Obviously, we all know the religious influence in this arena and how the religions of the world sought/seek to control it.  However, as we also learned, conclusions of human sexuality based upon moral viewpoints are not accurate.

The biggest example of this is in the area of homosexuality.  It is only in the last 50 years that homosexuals are starting to receive some tolerance from the mainstream.  A short time ago, when viewed through the wide scale of time, homosexuals where given different kinds of treatment to "correct" them.  Many thought they were possessed by the devil so exorcisms were used.  Shock treatment was another means utilized to try to "correct" the individuals.  Of course, incarceration and even castration were turned to because, well, society could not have the homosexuals running around molesting children (since everyone knows that if one is turned on by a man, that individual must be sexually aroused by a child).  Ultimately, precautions needed to be taken in case homosexuality was contagious.

As we now know, the viewpoint of those 100 years ago was absurd and intolerant.  The truth is, for a homosexual, attraction to another person of the same sex is natural for him or her.  This is how that individual was created.  It is that plain and simple.  To state otherwise is proclaiming there is something "wrong" either physically or morally with this individual which is untrue.

Of course, I can get even more absurd to emphasize my point.  Clitoral mutilation is something many African nations got great publicity about in the past few years.  It appears many tribes engage in clitoral mutilation as a means of sacrifice and also control.  Naturally, this created outrage about the "civilized" western world.  What is interesting is that more abuse took place over the last 200 years in this area in the west than anywhere else.  Women who were horny were frowned upon.  Therefore, a women who was turned on and wanted sex was termed a pervert (read deviant).  Like with homosexuality, there were many methods which society used throughout the ages.  One such method was having acid poured on the clitoris to remove the sexual desire from the misfit.  As you can imagine, I am sure this was pretty effective.  Looking back, we see the absurdity of it yet those people, in that era, believed they were correct.

Remember this idea as you look upon those who have a different viewpoint or desire when it comes to their BDSM way of life.  We use the terms gross and disgusting to characterize that which is unappealing to us.  Well, let me ask all you heterosexuals (males especially) out there, is homosexuality disgusting?  While I am sure there are many who will answer that as yes, I think the overriding outlook by most fair minded individuals is that it is not.  Now, I am the first to admit that sucking off another man has as much appeal as drinking acid to me.  It is not my thing.  However, I realize that for a certain percentage of males (and most of the female population), this is a highly appealing activity.  The same is true for diaper play, foot play, and infantilism.  These are all activities which are not on my list of desires yet there are many people who it is their preference.  Quite simply, it is a natural desire for them.  Thus, I am confronted with the situation of where I can proclaim myself right or accept the fact that everyone is different.

And who knows, maybe there will come a time when I like to sniff a woman's used shoes (I highly doubt it but you can never say never).  BDSM is about open-mindedness.  Try to give that benefit to others.

DN 

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