June 23, 2013


Discipline is something that is often discussed within the BDSM community.  It is a topic that I feel is of vital importance but not in the way people think.  Discipline as most define it refers to the idea of punishment.  While I acknowledge this is a part of the lifestyle, it is not the area where I want to focus.  Instead, I am going to cover the idea of self-discipline.

Higher Level

I often write about the fact that I believe people who choose to follow the BDSM lifestyle have the opportunity to live their lives at a "higher level" than the rest of society.  What I mean by this is that people who are involved with BDSM consciously chose this way of life.  They are not pursuing a path blindly that was handed to them by society.  Through their conscious choice, they opted for a way that would lead to their own happiness.

Because of this, I believe each of us has a responsibility to excel in as many aspects of life as possible.  People involved in BDSM know the extreme choices we sometimes make.  Those on the outside cannot understand how we can opt to live this way.  Nevertheless, this is where most of us find fulfillment.  Hence we become an example to all that follow.  My personal belief is that BDSM offers the chance for one to exert influence over many different areas of life.  Of course, this means that one needs to exert control over oneself.

Sadly, I see so many who fail in this regard.  Instead of opting for a path which results in continual growth, they simply select a route that is far easier.  They enter the BDSM world and learn a few "tricks of the trade" and then proceed along their merry way.  While I confess that many of these people fall into the "pretender" category, it is surprising how many longtime BDSMers are this way.  Somewhere along the line, they decided to rest on their laurels.  This leads to stagnation and complacency.  Of course, isnt this what most of society does?  Therefore, in this way, BDSM people follow the same path as the rest of society, only with a bit more kink.

Control Of Oneself

The number one skill in life is the ability to control oneself.  It is impossible to control another if one cannot gain control over one's own person.  Again, this is something that we see all the time within BDSM community.  Ultimately it shows the hypocrisy of the person when he or she is unable to exert influence over personal behavior.

For example, I read so many profiles where a "Master" is looking for a fit slave.  Nothing wrong with this.  However, upon a bit of investigation, you see this individual is 150 pounds overweight.  Notice the hypocrisy in this:  the slave needs to have fitness as a value when the Master does not have it himself.  At the same time, how can he control her when it is evident he cannot control what he ingests.  This is not an individual who is slightly overweight or has a few beers around his waist.

Another area I see the double-standard is with money.  Many opt for the idea that a slave, since she is completely owned, all earnings are Master's.  What causes problems is when I see people entering situations without asking the prime question: are you able to manage money.  If a "Master" is thousands of dollars in credit card debt due to excessive spending, perhaps it is a bad idea to enter into a situation where he runs the finances.  Why do you think his actions will be improved with your money?  The truth is he will not be.

In both these examples, the trait that is missing is self-discipline.  It takes discipline to control ones' eating.  At the same time it is required to forgo the "toys" when one is unable to pay for them.

Moving onto the submissive side, I see many, in the area of weight, who claim to want a Master so she can lose weight.  The belief is that is one is forcing her to do it, she will take the action.  Again, we see self discipline lacking.  Why does someone need to force you to do something you know you should be doing to begin with?  To me, this shows weakness, not strength.  It makes me question whether this person will need to be told everything.  How can I trust someone who will not take to steps to stop doing those things that are killing her?  Yet I am led to believe that one will do it because she is suddenly "owned".  I surmise this person also lacks the initiative to do the dishes or clean the bathroom without a great deal of oversight.


Discipline is nothing more than doing those things that we are suppose to be doing to achieve the results we want.  If a person desires to get in shape, it requires the discipline to eat the proper foods and stick with a sound exercise regimen.  When one is trying to improve his/her finances, certain sacrifices are made.  It takes discipline to establish a budget and stick to it.  In our careers, to excel there are certain things which require our attention.  Those who accomplish those tasks are the ones who get ahead.

The truth is there are many things in life that none of us want to do.  Everyone has those items which they prefer to avoid.  For example, who likes to pay bills?  Very few of us.  Yet most of us pay them because we enjoy the services that are rendered.  Or perhaps, in the negative context, we prefer to avoid the consequences that results in failure to pay.  Either way, we pay the bill.  Of course, some are disciplined to pay on time which avoids the late fee while others who lack this skill rack up monthly charges in excess of what they are billed.  A lack of discipline costs in so many different ways.

Why do I mention this as a vital aspect of the BDSM world?  The simply answer is because BDSM is about relationships; with ourselves and others.  Too many overlook this fact.  They, instead, get caught up in the whips and chains while neglecting the fact that we still live in the real world.  Success in any relationship takes effort.  That is something we all know.  However, if one is not willing to take the simple steps necessary to excel in the most basics of areas, what is to make one believe he or she will do it in a relationship.  Also, what does one bring to the table when an inability to take action on one's own is so prevalent in his or her life?  What is really being offered?  Instead of getting in a relationship with an adult, we are really dealing with a big child.  Children are notorious for avoiding responsibility and opting to do only those things deemed fun.  However, as adults we know this is not how the world works.  It requires discipline to do all those "unfun" things.

Therefore, when interacting with another, especially if you are not presently in a relationship with this person, look at his or her life in totality to determine the type of person you are dealing with.  If this person's life is a total mess, that might be an indicator of something is amiss at a core level.  Investigate further to determine what you are dealing with.  External signs usually point to internal problems.  Be mindful of this.


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