BDSM: A Personal Evolution

Everybody who is presently involved in BDSM was at one point new.  This is an important criteria to remember.  Few of us grew up in a home where BDSM was openly talked about and taught.  Most of us, being products of the Western Civilizations, were exposed to the overriding social norms.  This means a traditional lifestyle was promoted based, most likely, upon Christianity where sin is prominent and disobedience is punished.  While the punishment is in line with BDSM, in my view, this is where the correlations end.  To me, BDSM is about openness, exploration, and growth.  Those who pursue it as a central part of their lives find themselves growing stronger within.  This is not something that comes from an outside force but oneself.

Abilities

When one is new, at anything, the simple truth is they lack ability in whatever that area is.  BDSM is no different.  Everyone who comes to the lifestyle basically starts at the same point: knowing next to nothing.  The process starts with the search for this knowledge and the Internet is a wonderful resource in the endeavor.  There is a great deal of information explaining the basics of this lifestyle and what it is all about.  This blog, as an example, is full of posts pertaining to many of the different situations that one will encounter.   Of course, I must caution one to be careful what he or she pays attention to.  While there is some wonderful stuff written by exceptional people within the BDSM community, there is also a lot of garbage out there.

Naturally, knowledge is only part of the equation.  "Book" knowledge can only take us so far.  After acquiring some of that, it is important for an individual to gain some experience.  This can occur in many different ways.  Many feel the next step is to get involved in a BDSM relationship which is not always the safest course.  While it works for many, there are other options out there.

One effective way is to seek out some of the classes and workshops that people who are experienced in the BDSM lifestyle put on.  While most of these are of the informational variety, there are certain programs designed with "hands on" experience.  Aspects such as fire play, bull whipping, and suspension require extensive hands on training from someone who is proficient in this area.  Gaining experience in this manner will assist your development which makes one more valuable.  I look at it as bringing more to the table.  The more skilled an individual, the more he or she can offer.

Psychology

The aforementioned suggestions tend to deal with the "whips and chains" aspect of the lifestyle.  While this is an important part of what we are about, it is not the entire story.  Also, attention to this area is paramount for the simple fact that extensive damage can be inflicted if one is not careful.  Safety is always the top priority.  There is another area which takes everything to a deeper level and that is the psychology of BDSM and this is an area that few discuss.

Domination and submission exist extensively between the ears.  While the core part of us, down near the pubic hair line, contains our domination and submission, it is the mental/psychological aspect which takes things to another level.  So many concentrate on the "whips and chains" that they fail to realize what is truly offered by this way of life.

Psychological control starts with oneself.  I am truly amazed at the number of people who claim to be dominant yet are woefully inept at exerting any influence over themselves.  They are a wreck emotionally, their financial situation is in the toilet, physically they are ailing (and not doing anything about it), and mentally they stopped growing.  To me, these are not signs of one who is able to take control.

Psychological control conveys bad imagery because of what we saw regarding mind control by the government and cult organizations.  Bear in mind what I am referring to is not non-consensual.  There is nothing manipulative or forced about this.  Both parties are open and in agreement to what is taking place.

True domination involves taking all of the person.  This includes her thoughts and emotions.  One who is owned truly wants to feel that at the deepest level.  Simply barking out orders does not achieve this end.  That basically is domineering which usually involves fear.  When one is properly taking control of someone psychologically, he is able to walk her through a series of steps helping her progress in a desired direction.  Again, I must stress this is consensual and the dominant needs to be fully aware of what he is doing.  Pitfalls, most commonly from past experiences exist, at every turn. 

For this reason, it is helpful for one to study and understand the basics of psychology.  There are common characteristics in this area among all human beings.  Subs/slaves have the same desires as everyone else ultimately.  Obviously, how that fulfillment is attained differs from the traditional world yet the underlying motives are still the same.  It is up to a dominant to uncover them and then concentrate on fulfilling them.  This is what creates a happy relationship while allowing for continued growth of both parties.

In summary, your entry and existence in BDSM is a journey of your own personal evolution.  Growth is a process and without it there is only death.  There is a saying that you are either going forward or backwards, there is no standing still.  So the question is which direction are you moving towards?

DN  

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"Lifers"

I was trying to think up a title for this post to describe what I am going to write about.  However, there really is not a term that I could come up with that accurately captured what I wanted.  The closest I could get is the word "lifers".  Hopefully, after you read what I write, it will make more sense to you.

We see a lot of propaganda online.  At the same time, we see many different factions advertising the "right" way to approach the BDSM lifestyle.  Of course, as we know, it seems the "munch" is at the center of it all.  For those unfamiliar with this concept, a munch is a gathering, usually at a public place, of lifestyle people.  Think of it as a kinky coffee although play is not usually part of the program at these events.  The basic idea is that one associates with like minded people.  Naturally, this makes a lot of sense.

Another think we see is different "conventions" that occur around the country (world).  This is a munch on steroids where the gathering takes place over the course of a few days and the amount of people grows exponentially.  At these events, there are usually workshops and other presentations put on by people who are supposedly experienced in a particular area.  While many of them are good and taught by genuine people, there is a section of this lifestyle who are driven simply by ego.  Oftentimes, these situations become more a show place for one to get a stroking of the ego.

To me, there is a lot of big facade painted by many.  This BDSM way of life has nothing to do with anything that most of these people tout.  While seeing someone who is a master with a bullwhip can be fascinating, it applies little to most people's lives.  Are we dealing with BDSM or the circus is often the question.  At the same time, many seem only interested in showing off their latest "sexy slave".  While I acknowledge it is good to be proud of your property, parading her around like she is a showpiece tells me that one suffers from a great deal of insecurity.  Finally, it gets very difficult to find information that is being taught at an advanced level.  Most of the workshops are targeted at new people and rightfully so.  Putting forth advanced ideas simply would be too limiting at something like this.

So where does that leave the masses?  There are many people who live the 24/7 lifestyle who do not attend munches nor travel on a weekend to spend at a fetish conference.  These people simply go about their lives concentrating upon what is important to them.  Obviously, they feel that their lives are not lacking by missing the festivities which so many seem to make ultra important.

To me, these people are BDSM "lifers".  They are basically going through life without the fanfare that others are seeking.  To them, BDSM is about service and mastery as opposed to showing off.  The main idea is that it is not about other people but themselves.  There is no need to advertise in front of others.  In fact, for many, if they were to play publicly, they might have to tone down their activities.  Extreme games are not for the general masses.  Nevertheless, I encounter so many who have the inherent need to feel like they are a part of something.

Ultimately, life is about how you choose to live it.  If you are one who truly adores the interaction with others and finds munches or conferences helpful, then by all means, attend.  However, make sure your motives are proper and bear in mind that many who are at events such as these are not there for the same reason.  As I stated, many (but not all) have the need to "show off" and present an image to everyone.  For them, what others think is more important.

 So, in closing, I would suggest you always look at your motives.  Understand that it is perfectly acceptable to live your BDSM as you see fit.  You do not need to be a "part of the community" to be involved in this lifestyle.  Your choice to live this way of life in your daily affairs is enough.  It is up to you to do what makes you happy.

DN  

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Life Is Just Life

Today I am going to cover a topic that I tend to touch upon repeatedly because I think it so important.

Too many people enter the BDSM world believing that it will be the "magical" answer to all their problems.  Sadly, we see so many who believe that this is somehow a fairy tale or romance novel coming into existence with just the snap of the fingers.  Of course, those who are around this way of life for any length of time know this is not true.  Life tends to mirror itself both before and after the entry into BDSM.

Lifestyle

I think that many are thrown by the term "lifestyle".  For many, the image conjured up in their minds is the idea that one is somehow getting a new life.  While on a certain level this might be correct, the truth is that there are not radical differences to start.  Life is still life no matter what choices one makes.  There is no way to exempt ourselves.

A lifestyle is nothing more than a mental concept of the choice we make.  In turn, those who choose a  particular "lifestyle" tend to seek out those with similar views.  For example, those who are into the "gay lifestyle" are apt to interact with other of the gay persuasion.  At the same time, those who like the "furry" way of life are likely to associate with others who enjoy this.  We can say the same for nudism, swinging, or BDSM.  At the core, there is a major decision from which all other decisions flow.

In the BDSM world, anyone who is committed to this way of life will, naturally, seek out power exchange relationships.  They also will associate, either in person or online, with others who are also interested and living this way of life themselves.  We share ideas, experiences, and concerns in an effort to assist others.  All our decisions are intertwined with this foundational decision to life this way.  This "lifestyle" ultimately becomes the central basis for our lives.

Reality

It is heartbreaking to witness someone who is awoken to the reality of what this deal is all about.  Sure, it is enticing to consider this an entry into something new, exciting, magical, and unrealistic.  Who wouldn't want something like that?  However, as I mentioned, BDSM is not a romance novel turned real.  The movie "Secretary" is still a movie.  "50 Shades of Gray" is a glorified romance novel that is not centered in reality  It is imperative to keep these things in mine.

The truth of the matter is BDSM is work just like any other aspect of life.  A BDSM relationship, by its very nature, entails two people who are not going to agree on everything.  The only difference between a BDSM relationship and a vanilla one is the power structure.  Other than that, all circumstances that one is apt to encounter in the traditional world exist within BDSM.  People get sick; financial difficulties are present; incompatibility occurs; jealousy arises; emotions go unchecked; people fall out of love.  Anything you can imagine that happens outside of BDSM also occurs within it.

I do not like to see people entering BDSM under false impressions.  The truth that life is life cannot be ignored.  Simply because someone decides to seek out a power exchange relationship does not mean that only good times are on the way.  People suffer just like anywhere else.

So stop with the fantasy.  BDSM is a wonderful way of life for those who have the makeup to life it.  However, it is not a solution to our problems.  This is simply an alternative way which fulfills us while providing great satisfaction.  That is all it is.  Do not think that you will be exempt from things such as loneliness, fear, anger, and disappointment.  There are a lot of tears shed by those who are in the BDSM world.

As I always say, BDSM is about more than whips and chains.  The fantasy does not appear in reality.  It is best to burst that bubble right now.

DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

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