August 17, 2013

The Foundation: Trust

The foundation of any relationship is trust.  This is a fact that most are aware of.  Relationship experts promote this idea on a continual basis.  Regardless of the structure of the interaction, without trust there is not much there.  Whether we are referring to the parent/child dynamic, a romantic relationship, or just best friends, trust is the basic thread of which all is built upon.

Starts At Home

They like to say that "charity begins at home".  I am a believer that all aspects of our interaction with the world begin with ourselves.  This is a fact that is overlooked by many, especially within the BDSM community.  As I travel around the web, going to the different online BDSM sites, the number of people who are seeking something missing within themselves via a relationship is astounding.  I can only conclude that one of the reasons why so many BDSM relationships fail is because of this practice.  When one seeks to "fix" oneself through another, the usual path is failure.

The truth is only you can do this.  Whatever you are seeking is resident within you.  This is something else that is overlooked.  All that you desire to be is already present.  A person only need to uncover it within oneself.  For example, many will write something to the effect, I want a Master who will make me strong.  Wrong. A Master will not make one strong.  The quality of strength is ever-present.  One need only the courage to release.  The fallacy in the previous belief is that the Master is providing the strength.  He is not.  Certainly, he might be a factor that assists in its revelation.  Nevertheless, this individual did not require him to exhibit strength.

Trust is another characteristic that is present within all of us naturally.  If you do not believe this, just look at a small child (toddler age).  Because of a lack of experience in being "burned", this creature simply trusts everyone.  He or she will talk to anyone on the street.  The fear of rejection is not yet present.  At the same time, everyone is granted the same level of trust since this person lacks the skill to decipher who warrants trust and who does not.

Adults lack this viewpoint.  They have a different take on things since there is a thing called experience which is part of their makeup.  People go through situations which creates results in their lives.  Unfortunately, not all of these results feel good.  In fact, many are downright painful especially emotionally.  People are fallible which means we are let down periodically.  Therefore, we create defense mechanisms to "protect" ourselves.  Suppressing the ability to trust is one of these techniques.

As you will see, a lacking of trust is more often about the person refusing to give the trust as opposed to the worthiness of the other person.


Many people state they cannot trust.  This is really common among those individuals who are on the common BDSM sites for any length of time.  We do not need to spend years engaging in this genre before we encounter the noted "Internet trolls".  The online BDSM world, like most I presume, is full of scammers, liars, cheats, and pretenders.  This is a fact that we cannot change.  The anonymity of this mechanism is such that is it rather easy to develop a persona.  This is something to always be mindful of.

Most of us can speak from personal experience when we relate the fact that running into these trolls is painful.  At the start, we all are a bit naive in our approach.  We tend to believe people are real only to find out later that we were played like a violin.  This causes us to close off and protect ourselves.  It is usually after a number of these experiences that an individual will believe that he or she cannot trust.

The truth is the ability to trust still remains.  What is really occurring is the person chooses not to trust another.  There is a big difference between the two.  People, too often, fall into the habit of wanting to be the victim.  This leaves them powerless.  When one says he or she cannot trust, this denotes lack.  There is something missing.  As I stated a couple of times, there is nothing missing within us.  Hence, the lack of ability to trust is, in reality, nothing more than a refusal to trust.  The person has the power yet refuses to utilize it.

This is why the last section was titled "Starts At Home".  When it comes to trust, like all other characteristics, it all starts with you.  If you feel you are lacking something, that is nothing more than your false perception.  Getting back to trust, you now realize that your inability in this area is a choice.  The truth is that you "cannot" as much as you choose not to.  Always remember this.


Intelligence is the basis for all great societal advancement.  Look at all the things around you and consider the mental smartness required to create that out of nothing.  Our collective intelligence allows us to place a man on the moon.  To accomplish that feat, a lot of smart people were involved.  However, when I am referring to intelligence, I mean good ole-fashioned common sense.

Understanding that you lack of trust is a choice allows you to correct that problem.  The power resides within you to alter that reality.  You can choose to give it whenever you want.  However, this brings up another point; just because you can do something, that does not mean you should.  This is another caveat that I want you to remember.

People need to earn our trust.  Blindly giving trust is a foolish thing to do.  As I stated, using the online BDSM world as an example, it is a place that is wrought with alligators and snakes.  To enter it trusting everyone and all they say is a recipe for a great deal of pain.  One needs to be judicious to whom he or she trusts.  Having a degree of skepticism with everyone encountered is a healthy approach.  However, this is a far cry from not being able to trust.  One is intelligently approaching a situation that is full of unknowns. 

The unfolding of trust should be natural as one's interaction progresses.  Once you get past the stage where you are unclear if the person you are chatting with is a guy or girl, 20 years old or 60, married or single, then you can proceed to start trusting that person.  Of course, the chance still exists that something will go awry.  Sadly, it is not uncommon for some to continue to play games and lie even after the initial stage.  Many of the "Masters" and "slaves" are interested in nothing more than their online games.  Many of us were taken in even after months of conversation.  That is the nature of the beast.  However, even if your trust does get broken, the power still resides within you.  Being intelligent about who you trust does not mean that you are exempt from misjudging a situation.

What ultimately happens when on shuts down in this manner by withholding trust when it should naturally be unfolding is that the person is showing a lack of trust for him or herself.  It all boils down to the belief one has in his or her ability to both choose the right person to trust and being able to deal with whatever comes down the as a result of that interaction.  As stated, it sometimes is not very pleasant.  But a sign of a strong person is the inherent belief that he or she will handle whatever happens.  Opening up oneself emotionally can result in a great deal of pain.  Nevertheless, the strong are able to do it since they know that it is something they can handle.

Hence we see where trust is the foundation of the most important relationship in the world: the relationship with yourself.


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