February 27, 2013

Domineering


I decided to write this post after witnessing some behavior online that really drove home how misguided some "dominants" can be.  This type of outlook has the ability to severely harm another both in a physical way as well as emotionally.  One of my beliefs about domination is that safety of the psychological state of another is imperative.  However, people of this ilk tend not to adhere to that notion.

Power Hungry

It cannot be guessed at the number of people within this lifestyle who are "power hungry".  The motivation for entering the BDSM world is to have another serve him.  While this is a part of the deal, it is only seeing one side of the issue.  People of this nature do not realize that a relationship, even power exchange, is a two-way street.   This individual agrees with the idea that he is to get out of the relationship what he can when, in fact, he ought to look at what he can bring.  Hence we have a built-in selfishness which is generally childish.

At the same time, many desire power but do not understand that responsibility is automatically a companion in that equation.  When one is handed complete control as occurs in a TPE scenario, that means that all responsibility falls to the dominant individual.  The blame game is not an option.  Sure, there are instances when a submissive will make mistakes or even create a burden on the relationship.  However, the ultimate outcome is up to the dominant one to create.  If the submissive is not acting accordingly, it is up to him to alter her behavior.  Failure to do this lays completely at his feet.

This is where one wants the proverbial "cake and eat it too".  It is not realistic for one to take the power but cede the responsibility to the other person.  This is a pathway to failure.  It is only with the power that one can be responsible for the outcome.  Without said power, it is impossible to affect what occurs.  For example, other my vote or writing my Congress person, I have no power over what the US Congress does.  Hence, I am not responsible for the decisions they make.  If I was granted the power to change people who I felt were ill-suited to be there (all of them), then I could be held responsible.

Therefore, seeking power for the sake of fulfilling an inner hunger is not healthy.  A person of this sort will not stand up and behave responsibly.  Instead, when things enter a rough stage, which they always do, he will instead look to deflect the focus off himself.  This is not dominating behavior.

Coming From Fear

Closely related to this idea is the concept of domineering.  When one is of this sort, he operates from a place of fear.  It is his insecurity rather than confidence which is the motivation.  A person who lacks the inner self confidence has to show he is "in charge".  The mental image is the boss who sits there ordering people around.  Having to prove oneself and the power one wields is behavior which is not common among leaders.  True leadership enables people to follow as opposed to being pushed.

A dominating person knows who is in control.  This person does not have to continually display power especially among others.  Certainly, if challenged, a dominant will step up and exert influence over the one under his control.  However, in most instances, it goes without saying who is in charge.  The dominant knows deep within himself where the power lies and how to properly handle that.  Contrast this with the domineering person who is more often trying to convince himself that the power is his.  A dominant knows; a domineering person hopes.

Another aspect is the concept of image.  A true dominant is not greatly concerned about how others view him.  This is because of the internal self confidence which is present.  In most instances, other will view him favorably.  However, if there are those who do not, he will not be greatly concerned.

The domineering one takes a different tactic.  To him, image is crucial.  He will spend a great deal of time telling anyone who will listen about all he did.  The number of relationships will be mentioned; what he did; his expertise in particular areas; and the accolades he received from others.  These are components which help to create his identity.  Of course, an underlying fear is present since he is most often concerned about people finding out the truth.  This fear is the reason which causes him to be more domineering which, naturally, creates more fear until a continuous cycle is formed.

Anxious

It is important to remember the  motivating factors of a dominant versus one who is domineering.  When you know that one is moved by confidence while the other by fear, you can asses the behaviors.

One thing that really stands out among those who are domineering is that they are anxious to move things forward.  A dominant person is confident that he will reach the desired outcome.  He understands that to truly take over another person requires time and effort.  Rushing things along will not enhance the process.  He is not concerned with losing a perspective submissive to another.  While it can happen, he is confident to know that what he offers is high on the scale.

Contrast this with the fear based domineering child.  He has to get one to agree and "submit" to him within minutes.  Time is of the essence because another person can come along and capture her attention.  Fear causes this person to seek a shortcut.  One of the most common tactics is to isolate one.  This enables him to take full control of the informational process which, especially if she is new, will enable him to create the imagery he desires.  Of course, this is all blown out of the water if she interacts with someone else who paints a different picture.  Hence, we have the circular process which spirals downward.

 In closing, if you are dominant and you find you are behaving in a domineering manner, understand that identifying the behavior is the first step.  Next, come to understand that you need to focus attention upon yourself and your internal shortcomings.  Education is required at this point.  Knowledge is a wonderful tool to help to instill confidence within a person.  At the same time, concentrate on taking control over those aspects of your life which are out of control.  This is the foundation of all successful BDSM relationships; one who can dominate himself.

DN 


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